This Broken Road
by whitelilly0989
Summary: The road in our lives can be a lot of things. When unexpected things turn that road unbearable, would you wanna keep going down that path? Would you have a choice? Another Ryan & Taylor story.
1. Numb And Brokenhearted

_**Author's Note:** A new beggining... A new Story... Hope you all like it. As always, leave your reviews! Love, Sharon._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 1**

**Numb and Brokenhearted **

It was a really lovely day… the sun was just up in the sky, the birds were singing, the air felt so fresh, almost as if it had the ability to bring to life every single thing it touched.

And yet, she was there lying in her bed, feeling completely lifeless.

Yes, Taylor Townsend was feeling down… there was no sight of the perky girl that had once wondered the halls of Harbor High; there was no sight of the girl who seemed to get everything she wanted just by opening her mouth… she just wasn't there.

She sighed into her pillow, which was now really wet from tears. She'd tried to sleep the night before, she'd genuinely tried. She'd tried to convince herself that she was stronger than this, that everything was for the best… that everything had happened for a reason and that things were the way they were because it was just supposed to be this way.

She'd always believed that there was a something out there… She wasn't sure of what it was, but she was sure nonetheless, that something out there controlled the universe. That nothing happened out of coincidence… and that everything worked out for the best in the long run… And last night, she'd tried to remind herself of that, but as much as she'd wanted for that certainty to reassure her, she hadn't managed to psyche herself enough to believe it to be true… she just hadn't been able to... and as the burning feeling of tears welling up on the inside of her eyelids had started taking over… she'd just given into it and let herself cry.

She'd given up.

She'd cried her eyes out throughout the whole night. She'd somehow hoped that her eyes would start feeling tired and that she'd finally cry herself to sleep… but it hadn't happened like that… out of all the mess of feelings she'd had inside of her, tiredness hadn't been one of them. This had made it even harder for her, because every thread of pain was completely awake, and her body, heart and mind was feeling every bit of it.

She'd regretted ever wanting to feel something. As far as she could remember, being numbed didn't suck as much as this. This weakness, this hopelessness, this heartache… was too much, even for a girl like her.

She'd always been so strong, so independent, so on her own. She'd always had a strong and centered mind; she'd always known what she wanted and especially how to get it.

She'd been so sure of herself that somewhere along the line of her teenage years, she'd promised herself she'd never shed a tear for the so called love, and yet, here she was crying because of it… Love, what the hell was that? Those feelings of butterflies gently tickling the inside of your stomach whenever you see someone? The sweaty and shaky hands you get whenever you think of the other person's name? The giggles that come springing out of you whenever the other person looks your way?

No… that couldn't be love. She'd felt all those things with him, and for him only… and look where everything had ended up. True love wasn't supposed to be that hard, true love wasn't supposed to hurt that much… True love wasn't supposed to end. And it had ended… boy, it had ended. But at the same time, she couldn't help but feeling she was crying out of love anyways…

Four months had passed. Four months had passed since he'd vanished from her life completely, leaving no room for a comeback. She'd known that since the minute the front door of her place had been slammed shut, making her jump once the sound, the loud and inevitable sound of the door finally meeting the door's frame, had reached her ears.

He'd left her there, looking at the floor in complete frustration, heartbreak, sorrow and loss… but he'd never known that… he'd never known, and was never going to know that the minute he'd walked out that door, he'd taken her life with him.

That's what he'd given her; he'd given her a life. He'd given her everything she'd ever dreamed of and maybe even more than that. Ryan Atwood was her knight in shining armor, and as much as he'd said she'd saved him, she'd always felt it'd been the other way around. He'd saved her from a life of loneliness, of hiding behind her seemingly perfect demeanor for the rest of her life. He'd shown her that you don't always need to go through life thinking you have everything figured out, that there are few things you can figure along the way. That you can lighten up a little; let your guard down and just let yourself be vulnerable…

Vulnerable… look what that had done to her.

The moment everything had started falling into place… it had just come tumbling down… It'd cost a lot of hard work and effort to get him to open up, and right there, that day, in the blink of an eye, he'd just plain shut her out… But this time, she'd known she was the one to blame… the one who'd made a decision, the one who'd stood her ground… It was pointless, she'd known, and it was so hurtful… But she'd just let it happen… and as much as she wanted to let him know her reasons… that was way too much for her to bare… She'd been hurt and lost at first, but at the end she'd just been tired of the same game being played during that entire month… the game where she'd felt she couldn't reach him… where she'd felt she'd had to chase him, even though he was right there…

She'd given up…

Life was a joke. Five years; five years of pure joy and bliss, of happiness and perfection… thrown down the drain in just one month.

In one month everything had changed… everything had died… everything had died the minute she'd stopped fighting, because she hadn't seen a reason to do so anymore. She'd been desperately waiting for him to give her a reason, to fight along with her… but she'd kept waiting… and none of those things had happened.  
So the minute he'd been out that door, she'd known it was goodbye. She'd known it had been her choice… She'd known she could've told him everything right then and maybe he would've realized what it was that was really happening, but… For once, just for once, she'd wanted him to figure it out for himself, and he never had… And she'd chosen not to tell him…

But at the same time, it hadn't felt like a choice at all… she'd felt like she'd been forced not to say anything, because to be honest, she'd wanted his happiness… she'd wanted to give him everything… and he hadn't been getting anything at all from her… so she'd let him go… because she'd chosen, and at the same time, had been forced to give it up.

While she'd been standing there seconds after he'd gone out of there, she'd felt how slowly and torturously her life had been slipping away… No, not as much slipping away as being ripped out of her hands… He'd taken with him her most precious possession and he was never gonna know that… His anger was never gonna let him see that… and for some reason… she'd felt ok with it…

She'd felt ok with everything. She'd never felt anything… everything was all the same to her…

That's when the numb process had happened… She'd never cried, nor sighed, nor thought about it… She'd just made peace with it…

Everyone had started asking questions the minute they'd heard, but she'd just fairly told them it was none of their business. The one thing she'd known was that Ryan was never gonna address the issue to anyone, because she was almost dead to him… So she'd decided that she wasn't gonna talk either… which had everyone in the Cohen-Cooper combo wondering what had happened with the once lovebirds.

She hadn't even told Summer about it, because the minute she'd start talking, she knew she was gonna crack… She was gonna tell her everything; the real and painful truth… And she was gonna start feeling hurt… crushed, devastated… and she hadn't wanted to feel anything.

Besides, not even Ryan had known the real truth… so… if she wasn't gonna tell the person whom she'd loved more than life itself… then nobody deserved to know.

Being numbed had worked for a while… but when she'd realized that it was affecting her professionally, in the law firm, when she'd completely forgotten about an important detail on her boss's case because she was just walking through life as a zombie… She'd started wishing to feel something… anything… Whatever was around her that would make her feel like she still deserved a place in this world, in spite of what she thought herself and what Ryan was probably thinking of her too…

She'd been desperately praying for something that would make her feel like she mattered, because she didn't even matter to herself anymore… not after what had really happened.

And her prayers had been answered, it had taken time, but they had been answered.

About a month ago, one day when she'd gotten to her front door, she'd seen a bunch of mail piled up and she'd known it was that time of the month again… time to pay the bills…  
She'd picked up all the envelopes from the floor and as she opened the door she started looking through it… When she'd stopped dead in her tracks.

Mixed with the other bills, there had been this envelope that'd caught her attention because it was small and cream white… a fancy cream white that had told her that this wasn't some bill from a company demanding to get a check… It was a piece of personal mail…

She's sat down on a chair and had picked up the paper, and inside of it, there it had been: an invitation… a wedding invitation… An invitation to Frank Atwood and Julie Cooper's wedding.

At first she'd just sighed. She'd been about to feel all kinds of awkwardness, nervousness, fear… but she'd stopped and told herself she wasn't going to freak out until the actual day…

And now, the day was here.

She just couldn't bare it anymore… the thought of seeing him there… after those four month… those horrible and nasty four month… she actually felt as if her throat was being slit off.

Yes, she'd tried to convince herself the night before that everything had worked out for the best, and the reason she hadn't quite believed it, was because her heart had told her that feeling like this, so miserable and so lifeless… was in no way for the best.

She'd cried and cried… she'd cried so hard…But now, she was there on that bed, not crying at all. Her eyes had actually run out of tears to cry.

Seeing him again on that wedding, with somebody else, was gonna be the hardest thing she would have to do in her life. But she'd had it with this vulnerable thing… that was it.

Even though she'd only cried for one night… and even though there was still enough pain and there were still enough reasons inside her to cry for a years to come… she had to be the tough one…

She couldn't let him see her in the state she was in. She needed to keep everything inside of her, because after all, she'd chosen to do so… and she'd chosen that knowing that once she'd started with this, there was no going back…

She couldn't say that she wasn't going to the wedding, that would make her a coward… and she wasn't a coward. The fact that she was going through this alone told her that.

So she got up from the bed, trying so hard to be numb again, knowing she had to get ready and look gorgeous in a matter of hours and she had her eyes all puffy from crying…

As she started getting ready, she started repeating to herself that she needed to be tough… And she told her that enough times, that she actually began feeling a little numb again…

Although maybe she wasn't numb… maybe she was just in control.

She had no expectations… She knew that if she ever crossed words with Ryan during that wedding… there was gonna be a lot of harsh talking… But she needed to be in control with herself… she needed to manage to pull the tough girl off…

She just hoped she didn't see him enough… because being like this… 'Having it all together' wasn't gonna last that long… It hadn't lasted that long during those four months, because she didn't 'have it all together'... It was the furthest thing from the truth.

She just hoped she could put up with it and leave his life for good… she just hoped she could leave him so he could be happy with his new girlfriend now and forget she ever existed… She actually wanted for him to do that… to forget her completely… That's how in control and cold she was being about it.

She just hoped it would last long enough.


	2. These Wounds Just Keep Bleeding

**Author's Note: **_Thanks for all the wonderful reviews on the pilot chapter... Hope to get feedback from this one as well. I'm answering the timeline question in this one as well as what happened between them. Hope you get what's going on. Anyways, I leave you off to read... here it goes._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 2**

**These Wounds Just Keep Bleeding**

Taylor was standing there… in front of the glass doors. She'd been standing there for at least five minutes trying to decide whether she should just push the damn doors open, or get the hell out of there. She knew that her insides were begging for her to do the latter. She was starting to feel her stomach doing that flip-flop thingy it always did when she heard her mother's interminable rant about how she needed to lose a few pounds or how she needed to go back to France and get a decent job there, or how she needed to get a new haircut… how she needed to buy a new car… how she just wasn't enough…

Oh yes, being in front of that door was like having Veronica Townsend herself right there… that's how scared she was!

Every time she managed to gather a little courage to reach the door with the palm of her hand to just get inside there and put an end to this once and for all, when she was just less than an inch away from actually pushing it, her hand, as if it had a life of its own, always backed out.

She'd decided not to go to the wedding ceremony. It wasn't like she had a roll in it so why torture herself longer than she could handle? So, she'd just gotten to the hotel for the reception party and had asked for the Cooper-Atwood wedding and they'd guided her to the salon, leaving her with her own thoughts looking at the cold glass in front of her.

She started checking herself in the reflection. She was wearing a simple knee long strapless sky blue dress, her hair was down and she wore a simple necklace. _"You look decent… you can do this,"_ she told herself. But as she kept looking at her own eyes, the sudden fear and the feeling as if she was about to collapse made her tell herself: _"Who are you kidding? This is totally going to be a disaster and you know it."_

She wasn't sure of how much time she'd spent there debating herself, having the inevitable internal battle that being at that wedding reception was producing in her… All she knew was that it'd been long enough. She needed to get inside and get out of there as soon as possible, because the more time she lost standing there doing nothing… the longer these few hours were going to feel.

She took a big breath and finally, against her better judgment and the survival instinct, she pushed the door open.

It almost surprised her how fast she placed him in the crowd. She started looking at him and she felt that rush of excitement going all the way through her spine. She felt herself weak in the knees, exactly how she'd felt when she'd been with him. It hadn't been that long but in some ways… it felt like a million years ago.

He was there in the middle of the dance floor smiling. Even seeing him in the distance from where she was standing brought a smile to her face. He had the power of lighting up every single hard moment in her life, and for second, just for one second of her lifetime, she felt like everything was perfect.

But then the perfection was over. Because she realized that she wasn't going to be the one to make him smile anymore. In fact, if he would as much looked at her right then and there, that precious and gorgeous smile of his was going to fade away.

Still, he was smiling… and she thought to herself that no matter what happened then, if they ever bumped into each other or if they ever crossed words, no matter how much pain she would feel, because she knew she was going to feel pain, all she needed to get through that day was to remember that smile.

She'd been so caught up in him, in what he still meant to her, that she hadn't seen the whole picture. And the moment she did, just like she'd predicted… the pain begun.

She didn't even know how she hadn't seen her. Obviously he wasn't on the dance floor on his own. He was dancing with her. He was holding her like he'd once held her. She even saw how he smelled her red hair, and while he did so, he closed his eyes… just like every time he'd done when she'd kissed him; and seeing him doing that was a complete blow to her ego, not to mention her heart. She'd liked to believe she was the only one who could bring out those little aspects of him, but apparently she wasn't.

And remembering his smile, didn't work quite as she'd expected. He was happy… as happy as he'd been with her. And remembering his smile only reminded her that it wasn't her… it wasn't her now who was making him laugh. It wasn't her whose hair he was smelling. It wasn't her whose waist he was holding. It wasn't her whose lips he was kissing. And she felt jealous because it used to be her… Just five months ago… it had been her. She felt her eyelids warm up with tears, and she hadn't even been there for ten minutes yet. She was feeling like her heart was about to explode because it had so many emotions inside, all of them fighting to gain her attention. She was feeling hurt, desperate, devastated, mad… and of top of it all, jealous. She was jealous of her, because she had his heart, and with his heart, her own.

She was jealous of Lindsay Gardner. Who'd have thought?

She'd made an appearance back into their lives five months ago, just two weeks after Seth and Summer's wedding day, and the irony of it had been that that day… was supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life.

She'd gone out with Ryan one morning to get some breakfast. She'd remembered feeling her heart dancing inside her out of pure joy… but at the same time a little fear. But it was the kind of fear that tells you that everything's gonna be ok. Even though life wasn't figured out yet, Ryan and her had just graduated from Berkeley and they had so much they'd wanted to do, she'd felt that whatever what was coming towards them, they could handle it. They'd been handling everything for five years… they could pretty much do it the rest of their lives. How wrong she had been…!

They'd sat there that morning talking about nothing important at first, Taylor trying to get strength to say this thing that had her so over-the-top happy.

When she'd finally said something like: _"Ryan I need to talk to you",_ and he'd said something like: _"Sure…",_ she'd felt a knot in her throat because it felt so… normal. So at ease… the kind of peace you get just before a storm strikes. She wasn't entirely sure of how much she'd started rambling… or exactly what she'd said, what she would always remember was that in the middle of all her rambling… just like an unpredicted seen of a movie, he'd said, taking his eyes of off her, the symbol of her pain now… the symbol of her every shattered dream and the symbol that had made her change so much from the happy girl she once used to be: _"Lindsay!"_

The minute she'd heard that name and turned around, she'd remembered who she was… the illegitimate daughter of Caleb Nichol and estranged sister of Kirsten Cohen. The girl who seemed to be this model of chastity and virtue and that always got straight A's. She was the kind of girl who buried herself in books and stuff… not the kinda girl who usually stands out on someone's high school radar… only she had, because she'd managed to steal Ryan's heart enough to leave him hopeless when she'd left for Chicago all those years ago, leaving him with all these thoughts and questions about what might have been.

Thoughts and questions that were obviously still in there, since he'd gotten up from the chair and had greeted her with an oh so tender hug that had left Taylor feeling chills because right then she'd known things were gonna go down hill.

She'd witnessed that day how his eyes had drifted to the past, a past that he would've explored if it hadn't been for… fate maybe. A past that had made him go back to that 17 year old boy… how he'd given Lindsay a look that he hadn't given her… a look that Taylor knew she was never gonna get from him…

That was the beginning of the pain and desperation she was never gonna get to say… She'd seen the irony of it all. One moment she'd been happy, ecstatic and joyful, and then those feelings had been nowhere near her. She'd gotten so sad and so lost seeing them there, in that hug… that all of the sudden, being pregnant hadn't seemed like good news anymore.

She'd hoped that Lindsay would go away, she'd hoped that even though Ryan had seen her so differently than he always used to look at her, Lindsay would stay for him in the past… but she'd hoped and hoped in vain.

She didn't even remembered what the hell Lindsay was doing there in Berkeley… and to be honest, she didn't care. All she'd known was that slowly, Ryan had been taken away from her everyday a little more… until she'd started feeling she had to chase him.

And knowing she'd been carrying his unborn child hadn't been helping. Everyday she'd wondered what would happen if she told Ryan, and every time she always got back to the feeling that he would stay with her… But then, she was never gonna know if he was staying with her because of the baby… or because he loved her. After all, she was aware of what had happened with Theresa… and she hadn't wanted to carry that burden.

Still, she'd waited a month… a whole month. She'd wanted to see what happened… she'd wanted to let things take their course, she'd wanted to know what Ryan was gonna do without knowing about her pregnancy… and painfully, her wish had been granted.

Every time he'd gone to her apartment after Lindsay's appearance, he'd been there talking and laughing maybe… but he'd been somewhere else… And eventually… it'd started to hurt too much…  
From there on, he'd started unnoticing everything in her life. Even though he still called her everyday, and even though he still kept going to her apartment at all times… it seemed like he always did those things in automatic pilot mode… Even his kisses tasted differently… and every hug only felt empty… and every time she needed him to be there, and she needed him a lot, his body might've been there, but his heart was just long gone…

So after the most horrible 30 days of her life and after needing him so badly, she'd made a choice. A decision she'd known was always gonna come back to hunt her, but this was the only way that at least one of them would get the chance to be happy. If he wanted to be with Lindsay, then it was ok… He was gonna get to be happy without feeling like he had to regret it…

The moment he'd gotten to her apartment that day, she'd been extremely nervous. Thinking if what she'd decided was ok… or if it was the right thing to do, but she'd never been able to get a straight answer from her conscience, and without even realizing it… she'd found herself telling him that she'd had and abortion that day…

Those words had come out of her before she'd been able to reason them… and she'd regretted saying it once she'd seen the amazed and hurt look in his eyes. But as much as she'd wanted to take it back… that same expression in his eyes told her that nothing was ever gonna be the same… She hadn't been able to take it back, no matter how much she'd wanted it. There was nothing left for her to do than to live with the regrets of what she'd done…

Even though he hadn't exploded the exact night when she'd told him she'd been pregnant and right after that, that she no longer carried his child, she'd known he was always gonna feel a sting of hate. But just as long as he could be happy without her restraining him… It had been a chance she'd been willing to take. There had been no going back… It didn't matter if it hurt…

A month after that… after telling him and after he'd left her apartment, she'd heard through Summer that he was indeed dating Lindsay… and they'd been gotten pretty serious since then.

Her suspicions had been right… he'd been longing for the past. A past she was never gonna be able to give him… because he'd hardly known her when they'd been teenagers. There were few times in her life where she'd wished she'd met Ryan before Marissa, and in this case, before Lindsay. Usually, when they'd been together it was never necessary to feel like that, but the minute she'd heard he was indeed with Lindsay, she'd wished she could give him… the past.

As she stayed there, looking at a really happy Ryan dancing with the woman he'd chosen, she felt like her world had crumbled down… all over again. Watching them was like reliving that terrible month again… and it was turning pretty unbearable.

Thank God she got distracted by a 4 ½-month-pregnant Summer that hugged her really tightly saying: _"I'm so glad you're here!"_

_"Oh hi!"_ she'd said a little surprised because she hadn't noticed where Summer had came from. _"How you've been?"_

_"Good!"_ Summer said while she pulled back and took a look at her. _"The morning sickness is finally over… I think… so I'm good."_

_"That's the price you pay when you have unsafe sex on your honeymoon…,"_ Taylor said smiling, trying to make jokes in order to distract herself from thinking too much about Summer's pregnancy.

It only made her mind wonder about a lot of things that could've been. She sometimes fantasized about how lovely it would've been to go baby shopping together, since their children would've only been separated by a month, or even less. She'd sometimes imagined how cool it would've been to have the same connection Kirsten and Julie had shared while being pregnant five years ago… It would've been really great to share all that stuff with her best friend… But just seeing Summer's barely noticeable bump on her stomach… for some reason made her nostalgic. It wasn't fair to be like that around her, especially since she didn't know exactly what had happened between her and Ryan… so she just tried to suck it up and make jokes to get a bit more comfortable.

_"I'm gonna let that one pass just because I haven't seen you in three weeks,"_ Summer said almost in a warning tone, and then quickly changing it to a playful one. _"So… what's up with you? Why are you such a stranger lately?"_

_"Well…,"_ Taylor said with a sigh, inevitably looking back at Ryan's breathtaking smile… But before she could get immersed in it completely she snapped out of it and looked at Summer again. _"I've been doing well on the internship at the law firm, so… that's taking me a lot of time… Besides you know me, I can't stay still!"_

Summer was pretty perceptive… she was Summer for the love of God! So she noticed the quick look at the horizon, and she naturally turned around to see what she was looking at. Then she noticed Ryan was in the exact spot where Taylor's eyes had drifted, with Lindsay… and she just simply put two and two together…

_"At least have the decency to come up with a better lie,"_ she'd said while she raised an eyebrow at Taylor. _"How many times have I told you that you don't need to take distance from me or from Cohen now that you guys aren't together…?"_

_"Yeah I know…,"_ she'd said with another long sigh. _"I'm sorry… It's just that it's a little weird, you know? Seth's his brother and since Ryan pretty much hates me…"_

_"Ok… stop,"_ Summer said while she raised a hand for Taylor to stop talking. _"I sense where this conversation's going. I'm gonna end up asking you 'Taylor, just tell me what the hell went wrong or why things ended up as bad as they did' and you'll tell me: 'I can't' or something like that, and I end up feeling totally frustrated! So let's go somewhere and not talk about boys for a while 'cause I've really missed you…"_

_"Fine by me,"_ Taylor said while she went over to a few empty chairs to talk to Summer.

They got so caught up in talking about girl stuff, something they hadn't done recently due to the fact that Taylor was always scared she would run into Ryan, or worse, Ryan with Lindsay, at Seth and Summer's place. Summer couldn't stand much of Lindsay. Sure, she was a really nice girl, but they were never really close… They were completely opposites, and to be honest, Summer didn't want to get to know her at all. To her, Lindsay was always gonna be the girl who came back to mess everything up with Ryan and her best friend… So, naturally, Summer always told Taylor that there wasn't any reason to be scared. Taylor had priority over Lindsay in Summer's book… But still… Taylor had always felt uncomfortable just of the thought of being in the same place as those two, but surprisingly, not today.

Talking to Summer was exactly what the doctor had ordered for Taylor to feel ok. She'd been there for like two hours and she hadn't even bumped into Ryan, or Lindsay. She'd even said hello to the Cohen's, to Julie and to Frank, and every single one of them treated her as they'd always done.

It felt good… it was almost as if she was slowly being herself again. She was laughing with Summer, making fun about every silly little thing… they were even making fun of random people who walked past them… they were behaving like 11 year olds and it was amazing!

They'd talked so much, that Taylor got thirsty, so she left Summer for a while to go look for a drink. If she would've known that that was gonna be the end of her happiness… she would've stayed glued to the chair.

Once she'd reached the bar, she leaned against it while the bartender paid attention to some other customers… She started looking around and then her eyes landed again on Ryan… but he was alone this time.

She smiled a little to herself because in some sort of intriguing way, it felt a little good to see him. She hadn't seen him in four months… and to take a look at that wonderful body of his was like being in heaven and in hell all at once. Heaven was when he was smiling, looking at some other people… and hell was the moment when he turned his head and looked at her… and the smile had gone away.

Taylor immediately switched position to try to pretend their eyes hadn't locked for less than a second, but in a short period of time, he was there… standing right beside her ordering a few drinks too.

Honestly, she felt a shiver go down her body, but it wasn't a good one. This was it, the moment she'd been dreading since the minute she'd gotten that invitation and she knew… she knew this wasn't going to run smooth.

_"Hi…,"_ she said doing her best to sound confident. She needed to play it well… she needed to seem tough and to make him believe that she wasn't scared of him, even if she didn't quite believe it herself.

_"What are you doing here?"_ he asked coldly. There wasn't any sign in him of the Ryan that had once loved her… And if he was still in there somewhere, it wasn't showing.

The tone in his voice had made her heart skip a beat, and it had felt as cold as it had sounded. But again, she kept telling herself that she needed to pretend just for a while longer…

_"So you just cut to the chase now… I didn't see that one coming,"_ she said really sarcastically while she gave him a cold look in return and faked a smile.

_"You didn't answer me…,"_ he said again with that same annoyed tone in his voice… only it was sounding a lot more threatening.

_"Of course I didn't,"_ she said trying to do her best to sound as threatening as he was… but she wasn't sure she was pulling it off because it was hurting her extremely to hear him talking like that and to have to talk to him the same way to level things out. He'd never talked to her like that before, so… rudely. _"You're dad and Julie invited me, Ryan… I'm not crashing the party."_

_"I see…,"_ he said and looked at the floor for a second… which she took as a sign of weakness and said:

_"I mean… just because you hate me doesn't mean everybody else has to."_

_"No… apparently not,"_ he said with a disappointed tone in his voice while he looked straight into her eyes almost as if he wanted that to hurt her…

_"So much for forgiving me, huh?"_ she said not being able to hide how much he was hurting her anymore and looking down on the floor with a glassy look in her eyes…

She didn't know what happened… maybe he realized that he'd gone too far with this 'hate' thing, maybe he just felt pity for her… it didn't matter. All she knew was that she felt how his voice turned a little to what it'd used to be whenever he'd talked to her. That lovely, sweet and consoling voice she loved so much while he said: _"I can't forgive something I don't understand… something I think I'll never understand fully…"_

He'd talked like he'd wished for her to give him an explanation, to make him understand… But as much as she wanted to tell him everything that had gone through her mind, everything she'd felt… all the things her heart still felt, she didn't quite see herself explaining everything… It would only make him feel guilty and miserable… like he owed her his love, and she didn't want to force him into feeling something that just wasn't there anymore…

So she tried to go back to that seemingly tough girl and as if she hadn't noticed him dropping his walls for a second. Before she could give in to her own desires of telling him everything, she said coldly: _"I don't wanna argue with you… so let's just try to enjoy the party."_

_"As you wish,"_ he said while looking at her a little disappointed, and then raising his walls up again.

She sighed a little in relief when she noticed that he wasn't pushing it. Maybe he didn't hate her that much… maybe he was just mad. She didn't quite know how, but sensing that he was just mad at her made her feel a little better. But, after all she knew him… so when she noticed he leaned closer to her ear… she knew he wasn't gonna say something nice…

_"Just so you know…,"_ he said whispering in her ear, sounding even more threatening than before, _"Julie and my dad inviting you… clearly had nothing to do with me."_

She just stayed there… without moving an inch. He'd managed to hurt her on a whole new level. Apparently he didn't want anything to do with her anymore… he'd made that perfectly clear. She just closed her eyes for a second just to make sure she wasn't about to cry… when he managed to hit her once more…

_"Now, if you excuse me… I'll enjoy the party with Lindsay,"_ and with that… he went over there to were the redhead was sitting and gave her a smile… a smile that just broke Taylor's heart even more.

Again, she just kept thinking and thinking about how he wasn't hers now, and how talking to him had confirmed that. She remained there, standing still for a long, long time. Remembering the feeling of him whispering to her ear made everything go black… because for the first time, he hadn't whispered something sweet and tender… he'd used that to hurt her… on purpose.

When she was finally able to move… to bring herself to stop looking at his smile and his happiness in the distance, she got out of there, not knowing where she was headed… She only managed to run to a little.

When she noticed a lonely hall in the hotel… she just rested her back on the cold wall and started crying… just like she had the night before.


	3. Mixed Up Emotions

**Chapter 3**

**Mixed Up Emotions**

At first he hadn't known what to feel, say or do. It'd felt like the longest second of his life, and while watching her, his smile had faded away, just because he'd gone into a complete state of shock. He hadn't even considered the possibility of her being there and it had been really unexpected to be there watching her on the other side of the room.

The moment his blue eyes had met her hazel ones, there was one thing he hadn't been able to deny: she'd been looking beautiful. She'd been wearing a simple dress and high heels, and with that long hair of hers cascading all over her shoulders and back, it'd been like an epiphany… like it had been the first time he'd seen her.

She'd looked so amazing there, leaning in the bar with her eyes on his. It'd felt like some sort of movie, like the scene where everything changes and the boy's thought's are:_ "I've got to speak to that girl"_. That was exactly what he'd been feeling… deep down inside him. A strong part of him had wanted to run over to where she'd been standing and kiss her. She'd been his kind of wonderful… his kind of breathtaking.

And he'd felt shocked because he'd known that he wasn't supposed to feel like this for her anymore. Even though it had seemed like he had never laid eyes on her before, it hadn't been that way… it hadn't been the first time he'd seen her. He wasn't supposed to be this attracted to her… it was like he'd been a piece of metal and she'd been a magnet drawing him in. Chemistry and physics had been doing their job, and even though if felt overwhelming and awesome… his conscience had been telling him that it wasn't supposed to be that way anymore. And while his eyes had been on hers… for the longest second of his life, he hadn't known why.

The moment had felt like perfection, at least to him. Even though he'd been overwhelmed and utterly shocked… while he'd kept standing still immersed in her presence… perfection had happened. He'd known it, because looking at her, there hadn't been a past, there hadn't been a future and even the present had seemed blurry. There had been just that second… and without realizing it, he'd wished he could live in that stillness, without moving and without thinking, his whole life…

But all good things come to and end, right? He'd witnessed how faster than he could register it, she'd turned around. With her movement, the golden locks of her hair had moved so magically, that he could've almost resent her for turning her gaze away. If only she could've given him the perfection of one more second…

Again, his mind had kept telling him to stay where he was and just ignore where his eyes had landed… but another part had been telling him it was impossible.

Her presence had been impossible for him to ignore now. And he'd felt how his stomach had tightened at the thought that she'd tried to pretend she could ignore him. Hadn't she felt that same tension and… whatever it was that he'd felt those second ago? How come after what he'd considered perfection, she could go back to pretending it hadn't happened? How come it hadn't mattered as much to her as it had mattered to him?

Yes… it had mattered to her, that's why she'd had to turn away. He'd remembered it hadn't been the first time he'd seen this girl. He knew her… he knew her like the palm of his hand or so he'd liked to think. His mind then reminded him of why it was that he wasn't supposed to be attracted to her anymore… and for less than a second… he'd regretted ever remembering it…

-------------------------------

_It had been the weirdest day of his life. It had been hectic and strange and most of all, dramatic. And it had been all because of two women. Ever since Lindsay had made an appearance back into his life, whenever his mind wasn't thinking about something else, he'd always started thinking about her and Taylor. He'd never thought he'd question his strong relationship with Taylor, but then again, he'd never thought Lindsay would come back. _

_He'd landed an internship on an Architecture firm right after graduation. It'd been surreal because Taylor had run the same luck… Everything had been going well for both of them and everything had seemed to be ok… Maybe that had been the problem. That everything seemed to be ok… They've been together for 5 years… and sometimes he'd found himself asking in his mind, if he'd stayed with her because everything seemed to be fine and because there was no drama, because he was used to her, or because he actually loved her._

_All those little issues seemed unimportant most of the times but ever since Lindsay… they'd both known something was off, but neither of them had ever tried to talk about it._

_He'd had a fascination with Lindsay since he'd seen her again… it'd been obvious and he hadn't been able to deny it to himself. But he loved Taylor… and at first, he'd been really sure that it was gonna stay that way._

_He hadn't seen any harm in spending time with Lindsay, because well, he hadn't had any intentions of getting together with her at all. So he'd just hung out with her. But what he hadn't been counting on was what would come to make him all confused. _

_She'd been different from what he'd remembered. She'd been a lot more insecure, but there were flashes there of the girl who'd turned his world upside down while she'd been his girlfriend: the girl who reminded him of one of the few good things he'd had while being a kid. _

_She was the same studying girl… well, sorta. She'd stayed in Chicago and had finished high school there, and after that, she'd just gotten into Northwestern's Feinberg School of Medicine. Her first three years had been nothing but awesome, but in her last year, during her ER rotation… she'd lost a patient she'd been really attached to and it had left her with an emotional scar. She'd always thought it'd been her fault and even though it hadn't been… she'd never been able to see it. She'd graduated, but after that, she hadn't felt ready to be a doctor anymore. So she'd gone back to California with one of her best friends, San Francisco to be exact, to clear her head and take some time. _

_Ryan had realized she'd been vulnerable, and that she'd been a little more withdrawn, so he'd started trying to be a friend… that old habit of 'saving' girls had never died in him. But truthfully, that was all he'd wanted: to make her be the same person she'd been before. At least that was what he'd been telling himself._

_That day when he'd seen her in her apartment, she'd told him that she'd been feeling things for him again. And that had shocked him a bit, but at the same time it hadn't surprised him. Yes, he'd been spending time with her, ridiculous amounts of time maybe, but he'd never led her on… at least not that he'd noticed. Standing there, looking into her deep green eyes, a little part of him told him that he'd always wondered what would've happened if she'd stayed in Newport, and that this was his chance to find out… _

_His curiosity had almost taken the best of him, but he'd left her there, just by saying he couldn't do it. Every second after he'd left Lindsay's place, he'd started thinking about that part of him that told him to stay there with her. That part of him had been there during that whole month and he'd done his best to ignore it, but while looking at her expecting his answer, that voice had turned a lot more urgent. He'd started thinking that maybe he had in fact led her on a few times, he'd started thinking about how he'd been torn between her and Taylor for a month now and he hadn't even realized it. The fact that he'd been confused told him that this had been going on for a while now and he hadn't wanted to see it. He'd started thinking that maybe he did have feelings for Lindsay… but he also reminded himself, perhaps for the first time in that whole month, that he loved Taylor. She loved him… and he should just be with her in that exact instant…_

_But once he'd gotten to Taylor's place, expecting to feel less weird about Lindsay's confession and maybe a little better about himself, he'd found her sitting in the dark… with a lost look in her eyes.He felt a cold shiver run through his body, because not even in her darkest hour had she looked like this. That was the moment he'd known a game changer was about to happen._

"Hey…,"_ he'd said with a concerned voice walking over to where she was sitting._ "What's wrong?"  
_  
Her breathing had gotten a little agitated once he'd said that and she'd started looking to the floor in all directions. Something bad had happened, and the fact that she'd been like that… trying not to look at him, had been something that had started to get him a lot more worried._

_He'd leaned to the floor in front of her so she'd had no choice but to look at him… and again with a really tender voice he'd asked: _"Taylor… what's happened?"

_Instead of looking at him like he'd planned, she'd squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and got up from the chair and started walking to kitchen in complete silence and a little nervousness._

_He'd followed her to the kitchen knowing that something was wrong… really wrong._ _She'd leaned against the sink with the weight of her body on her two hands while she'd turned her head down trying to breathe in calmly. He'd been freaking out by that point… but he hadn't had the courage to touch her or to hold her… and sometimes later, he'd wished he'd done it._

"Taylor please, just tell me what's going on… whatever it is… we can deal with it… together,"_ he'd said in between pauses when he'd noticed her shaking her head from side to side… letting him know, that that wasn't gonna happen._  
_  
She'd finally sighed and closed her eyes… after a minute of being like that, she'd opened her eyes, and for the first time, she'd looked straight into his and, still shaking her head, she'd said something he'd never thought he'd hear coming from her: _"I can't do this anymore…" 

"What are you talking about?" _he'd said in a really low voice completely stunned by her words. _  
_  
_"Us…," _she'd said letting go of the sink and finally standing straight in a really low voice too. _"I can't do it anymore… we're done."

"We're not done!"_ he'd said talking a little louder and taking a step closer to her, but she'd turned her head to the side and closed her eyes again. Once she'd opened them she'd started looking at the ceiling… as if she'd been afraid of looking at him once more. _"The fact that you're not looking at me tells me we're not done…"

_She'd closed her eyes again and he'd closed the gap between them by holding her hands. He hadn't known from where all of this was coming from. Even though he'd been with Lindsay the majority of the time during that month, he'd always been with Taylor as well. He hadn't stopped talking to her, he hadn't stopped visiting her, he hadn't stopped kissing her, and hugging her… he'd been with her! And he'd had every intention of staying with her…_ "So until you can look me in the eyes and tell me we're done… we're not done."

_She'd kept her eyes shut for a while longer. She'd squeezed his hands for a while and she'd let them go just before she'd opened them again. And when she did, she'd looked at him straight into his eyes and had said in a really low voice, almost a whisper: _"I was pregnant… Ryan."

_Ryan'd taken a step back. He hadn't seen that coming and it'd only shocked him even more. The thought of having a baby with Taylor had been something he'd considered sometimes. After all, he'd been with her for 5 years and he'd been pretty sure she'd been the right woman for him most of the time. But something in her voice and the strange and lost look in her eyes told him that this wasn't a happy news… and that's when he'd noticed the key word in that sentence._

"Was?"_ he'd said, giving her a pleading look for her to tell him that she hadn't done what he'd already started thinking._

"I had an abortion this morning…" 

_A million thoughts had run through Ryan's head that instant. It had been a long, weird and now… horrible day. In less than five minutes he'd had to process the fact that his girlfriend had been pregnant… and that she'd aborted their child… his child. And she'd made that decision without telling him, without taking him into consideration…How had she done that? He'd deserved to take part in this… _

_All of the sudden, he'd skipped the hurting part and had gone straight to the anger part of it. He couldn't believe she'd done that to him… If there had been someone he'd thought would be the mother of his children it was her… but… obviously she hadn't thought the same thing. God only knows how much time she'd spent hiding this from him, all the opportunities she'd had to tell him and she hadn't. He hadn't been able to understand why… and maybe at this point, he hadn't cared… all he'd known was that she'd sealed their fate… and there had been no going back._

_He'd looked straight into her eyes… and her eyes showed no remorse… they'd been emotionless… cold. And the fact that he'd seen she'd been like that had made him angrier at her. He'd felt betrayed and angry… and that moment he'd known it was probably always gonna be that way. He hadn't wanted an explanation then… he'd been so angry that no matter what she'd tell him, he wouldn't have been able to understand anything. All he'd understood was that she'd been right…_

"You're right then… we're done,"_ he'd said while looking straight into her eyes for one last time… and then he'd turned around._  
_  
While he'd been walking out that door, his anger had kept increasing… and since he hadn't had anyone in front of him to yell or to punch… he'd slammed the door shut with all the rage he'd had in him, and being blinded by his anger… he'd gone to one place…_

--------------------------------------------

Right then, while looking at her back, that same feeling of anger had started escalating in his body, and all of the sudden… perfection was out the door. It's amazing how our feelings can change in less than a second… how everything can change with one simple movement… with one single glance.

Then, he'd known he'd had to go over there now, but not to kiss her anymore… he'd wanted to walk over there for a chance of closure… she'd still being drawing him in, though… he hadn't been able to deny that.

Once he'd reached her side, he'd done his best to release all his rudeness and angry, but when he'd noticed she'd been starting getting horribly broken by the way he'd been acting… again, his heart, against of his anger's desires, reminded him of the perfection he'd felt…

Looking at that sad expression on her face, he'd started feeling confused… just the sight of her right then, started waking up things in him he hadn't felt in a really long time. And all of the sudden, his chest had been about to burst just because he hadn't been able to decide what to feel. Sorrow, anger, frustration, tenderness, love… his world had started spinning because there were so many mixed up emotions there he could only name as confusion… even though what he'd been feeling had been more than that.

For the sake of that confusion… or maybe it'd been just love and he'd been afraid to admit it… he'd given her an opportunity to explain… an opportunity to make him understand why it had been that she'd taken such a radical decision if he'd been there… if he hadn't left her side…

But noticing how she'd just blew him off by talking coldly, had made every piece of 'hatred' he'd had inside start building up and soon the short window of 'confusion' had been closed… He'd started feeling just angry and mad again.

He'd been so blinded by his wrath then. He'd rarely felt this angry in a really long time, but he'd been so mad and so frustrated at her that for a second… he'd wanted to say something that could hurt her… that could make her feel what he'd felt when she'd done that to him… and also, for the first time in a long, long while… he'd done it. He'd let his anger and his resentfulness take the best of him.

He'd turned around to go back to Lindsay without looking back at her. Maybe subconsciously he'd known that if he would've turned around, he'd started regretting ever releasing his rage. So he'd done what she'd asked of him… 'To try to enjoy the party' and to ignore the part of him that had been numb for this past four months but that had started being awaken by only seeing her.

He'd tried to enjoy the party since then… but he hadn't been able to do it as much as he had before he'd seen her. He'd been with Lindsay most of the time and it had been wonderful. Lindsay had been what he needed, or so he liked to think. While being with her, during those four months, he hadn't thought about Taylor, and the moments he had thought about her… it had been just to remind himself of that anger, of that hate… because it was easier to feel anger instead of feeling hurt…

He'd build up a wall in his mind about the 'Taylor issue', a wall that Lindsay had helped to keep up. Lindsay had been his cushion after the fall and she'd been his way of not dealing with Taylor. Slowly, during those four months, he'd blocked her out completely. He hadn't tried, and truthfully, he hadn't even wanted to see her point of view of the situation. Not for once had he tried to put himself in her shoes, because during those four months, as far as he was concerned, she hadn't existed.

But now, he was alone in his bed… and she was hunting him…

He started reliving everything and he got to the conclusion to why it had been that he hadn't enjoyed the party… It'd been because his heart… the small part of him that had loved Taylor, the small part of it that still loved Taylor… told him that he'd hurt her.  
He hadn't seen her again at the party which meant that she'd left after their talk. He started feeling bad there, looking at the ceiling because he hadn't been able to control his anger. But every time the his heart raised its voice, the voice of his anger spoke louder… telling him that what he'd done or said hadn't been as bad as what she'd done to him.

He was happy with Lindsay now, she was what he needed… she was his past and his present now… but he wasn't sure she could be his future… just because there was a corner of his heart that still wanted to understand Taylor's reasons…  
But laying there on his bed, he made a determination… that part of his heart had to go… he needed to be happy, and reminding himself of Taylor wasn't gonna help. She deserved nothing but his rage… that was undeniable. Anger and Happiness don't mix… it had to be one or the other and she'd chosen for him…

Only that small part of his heart couldn't help but wish she hadn't.


	4. Failing To Ignore You

_**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay with this chapter. I've been struggling with writing recently do to a lot of things happening all at once in my life right now, Hope you're still there. As you know, I'm a fan of reviews, if you read the chapter, please let me know. So hope you I didn't dissapoint you. Leave you off to read._

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 4**

**Failing To Ignore You**

Ryan was on his way over to Lindsay's apartment. He was a little cranky. Ok… that was an understatement. He'd been mad as hell for the last week, and the interesting thing was that he didn't know why he was feeling like that. Everything had seemed to be in a dark shade for him these past few days, and the only moments when he was lucid and enjoying everything, were the moments he'd spent with Lindsay.

Lindsay. She seemed to be his oasis. Whenever he was around her it was like he'd get caught up in a web of sweetness and tenderness that made him forget about everything else. Every moment spent with her he'd regain his innocence… an innocence that didn't allow him to think or to brood… or to get him immersed in his rage and anger towards a certain girl who had been a part of his past. A past he had no intentions of reliving.

But there was something about this day in particular. Not even the thought of being with Lindsay was making him feel a little good anymore. He'd been in a terrible dark mood the whole day and he couldn't put his finger on what exactly was making him feel like he had to fight against the world. He just knew something was bothering him…

Still… trying to gain a little peace, he'd brought himself to go to her apartment and see if everything went well from there on.  
He was thankful for her. He'd turned Lindsay into his ray of sunshine… this person who would make him feel like there was no heartbreak in the world… and who kept him in a little bubble where he was protected… protected from all the things that had happened to him four months ago.

Every time he wasn't around her, all these wounds and scars came to the surface… wounds that only made him feel angry and that no matter how much he tried… he just couldn't bring himself to heal. It was like ever since four months ago, he'd turned into two completely different people: one was the slightly bruised but happy teenager he'd been once upon a time when he'd had his good times with Lindsay, and the other one was the monster he'd turned himself into whenever he was alone and thought about Taylor.

He didn't really want to be those two different people… in fact he was tired of being like that. Sometimes, on those moments when he actually allowed himself to brood, secretly, very secretly, he'd wished he could combined those personalities. He'd wished he could be happy and not hate Taylor now, but it felt impossible.

He just wanted to ignore her presence, to ignore who she was, who she'd been! He was tired of hating her, of being angry at her, of bringing himself to be hurt by her memory. He was just tired of fighting her out of his mind. He just wanted to ignore her! But ever since they'd broken up because of her abortion, that had been the last thing he'd done.

And seeing her on the wedding reception had made it even harder. He couldn't ignore her… and by not ignoring her, it was hard not to feel that sting of hate… that sting of hurt he didn't want to feel either.

He couldn't control nor understand his feelings and that scared him. He desperately wanted someone who could take him out of reality for just a while… who could make him feel like everything was under control even if he couldn't figure out what he was feeling… and who could make him feel… safe.

So he'd taken Lindsay as his splintered saving mast… and it had worked for a while… but today it didn't seem to work as he'd expected.

But still, he had hope. Standing there by her front door… he hoped that once she opened the door… he could distract himself from that annoying feeling he'd felt for the past week…

_"Hey!"_ she said when she opened the door, flashing him a wide smile, and throwing herself in his arms. _"I'm so happy to see you!"_  
_  
"Hey…,"_ he said back. He had his arms all wrapped up around her and it felt good… it felt safe… just what he wanted to feel.  
She pulled back from the embrace and told him to get inside. She looked beautiful. She was wearing some regular worn out jeans, her favorites, a red t-shirt and a pair of sneakers.

_"Since I didn't know what we were going to do today…," _she said when she felt his eyes studying her. _"I dressed really casual… what?"_  
_  
"Nothing,"_ he said while he gave her a half-smile and sat with her on the couch. _"You look cute that's all."_  
_  
"Thanks… So… what is it that you want to do today?"_ she said while she leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. _"You wanna go out and have some lunch… maybe hit the park or something?"_  
_  
_He really didn't want to be out again. He was just feeling comfortable there… being distracted. So he said really slowly: _"Well… I was just hoping we could stay in, order some pizza and watch a movie…"_  
_  
"Ok…,"_ she said noticing that something was kinda weird. He rarely wanted to stay in… let alone watch a movie… He knew perfectly that her DVD collection pretty much included every cheesy, corny and really girly chick flick that had ever existed… He couldn't stand those movies! She just glared at him confusedly and said: _"Are you sure of what you're getting yourself into? 'Cause once that DVD player starts, there's no going back."_  
_  
"We can watch anything you want just as long as I get to pick the pizza,"_ he said smiling at her.

_"Hey, if you're gonna endure what's left of the evening, watching what you call 'pure torture', the least I can do for you is let you pick the pizza," _she said as she gave him a kiss on the cheek and stood up and walked over to the DVD cabinet.

That was one of the things he liked about her. It was silly and really childish, but she always gave him the chance to choose. Every time they had a date, or every time there was something happening, no matter how small it was, she always gave him the chance to pick what he wanted to happen. With her, there were no mysteries, no riddles… the old saying 'what you see is what you get' totally applied to her, and he really found himself drawn to that.

He really appreciated having that ability now, since he'd gotten out of a relationship because he'd felt he hadn't been given that choice. A relationship that had been wonderful, but that all those wonderful moments had been marked with just one deep awful scene…

There it was again… that feeling, that feeling of being out of control and of not knowing what was inside him that slowly seemed to take the best out of him every time… that feeling he couldn't seem to ignore. He was there sitting in complete silence with Lindsay, while she watched the movie, and all of the sudden his fists started getting tense.

She noticed. She noticed slowly that he wasn't in the best of moods right now. And in some weird way, she felt a little strange because he'd tried to hide it. She'd always known that, just like her, he was a person who didn't let people in that easily… but they'd been so good the past months that she'd hoped he would let her in. He was letting her in slowly but now, he seemed to be shutting her out again.

Something was bothering him, she knew that. She remembered enough about him to recognize that small sign of his when he was upset about something. And even if she knew that the possibilities of him telling her what was bothering him were slim, since he was pretending that everything was fine, she found herself asking: _"Ryan, are you ok?"_  
_  
_Now he realized that is was turning really obvious that he was mad. And that made him a lot angrier. Why was it that he couldn't just ignore that feeling? Why was it that it had to take the best of him, even when he was with her, the only person who seemed to numb his mind enough for him to stop feeling his own wrath?

He was gonna keep trying though… so he said, using what he thought was a calm voice: _"I'm ok Lindsay… just watch the movie."_  
_  
_Ok… now she really knew something was wrong. He'd talked in an obviously upset tone and that scared her a little bit. He'd never talked to her like that; in fact, she hadn't seen him this irritated ever. They'd seemed to be in this blissful paradise ever since they'd started dating.

And in her mind, it wasn't supposed to be any other way. She had what she wanted… the object of her affection had responded her the same day she'd told him she'd started having feelings for him. She had hardly been able to believe it when she'd opened her door that day, and he'd started kissing her to the point where there was no return and then he had told her that he'd just broken up with his girlfriend. He had responded her feelings in such an emotional, radical and passionate way that there was no doubt in her mind that he'd chosen her. That all those times when he'd hung out with her had been because he'd felt attracted to her too… and that he'd wanted to be with her. And ever since then, their relationship had been amazing.

But all that 'amazingness' didn't seem to be in there, judging by the tone of his voice. He was upset. She started rewinding the last couple of days in her head to try to come up with something that might've made him mad, or that was worrying him… but she couldn't find anything.

That was the moment she'd known she had to ask him. She knew her possibilities were one in a million. He was a guy who needed time to open himself up and start talking about what he was feeling and that sort of stuff… but that same feeling that told her that she was the person he wanted by his side, he'd told her that she wanted to be there for him… to take him out of his bitterness and whatever it was that was causing it.

She wanted to be there for him… to calm him down and to make him feel better.

_"Are you sure you don't wanna talk about something Ry… you seem a little upset,"_ she said while she shifted her body a little so she could have a clear look at his face.

He immediately turned his head to the side when he felt her move. He looked at Lindsay and it was then when he realized it was obvious, so obvious that something was bothering him. Sure, he knew that something wasn't right about him, especially not today… but he really didn't expect for it to be that noticeable. It was then when he realized he needed to get it off his chest… he needed to talk to someone…

_"Ummm well…,"_ he managed to mumble, but once he saw her deep green eyes sparkling of expectation, eager to hear what he had to say, he immediately shut up.

As much as he wanted to tell someone, this felt wrong. He couldn't talk about his anger with Lindsay. Normally he could talk about her about anything. But never something related to his feelings and emotions and this subject in particular… the 'thing' that was bothering him… he definitely couldn't talk with her. It was then when he finally got himself to admit, at least in his mind… that his rage was related to Taylor… and Taylor was a subject he couldn't and wouldn't discuss with Lindsay.

But, with whom was he supposed to talk? Seth? He loved his brother, he did, but Seth was probably gonna make a catastrophe of epic proportions if what happened between him and Taylor reached his ears, and even if for some strange miracle, Seth could manage to shut up and leave all comments to himself… he was no secret keeper. He would totally talk to his wife about it and that would make Summer go to Taylor and… he just didn't even want to think of her. Even if he always found himself doing that.

Who else was there? Kirsten? He loved her and she was the mother he'd always wanted to have, but touching the subject of abortion with her… a subject that he'd known for a couple of years now had left a scar in her life, was just out of the question. He knew Kirsten viewed him as a son, but he also knew that she loved Taylor, everyone loved her, and she was probably gonna talk to Taylor to see how she was feeling… to share with her… and, again… he didn't want her to know he was being this upset about seeing her. In his mind, that would make her win… and he didn't want to give her that 'pleasure'.

Summer? NO!… for all the obvious reasons… Sandy? No… it would have the same effect on him as on Seth… he'd probably talk to Kirsten about it and the vicious circle would continue… Damn! This was being hard and horrible! But then… like a sudden breeze, a name popped on his head.

_"I…I'm sorry Lindsay…,"_ he'd said stuttering and sweating a little. _"I… I forgot I have to meet my dad right now…"_  
_  
"You do?"_ she said a little stunned by his words. She kinda expected he wasn't gonna start talking, but to run away like that? What was it that was so difficult for him to share with her? She couldn't help but feel hurt, 'cause she was there for him… and he'd rather to talk to someone other than her… but, he just needed a little time she figured. _"Ok… sure, go ahead…"_  
_  
"Thanks… and sorry again,"_ he said, feeling relived that she wasn't pushing it. He didn't even give it a second thought and he got up from the chair, gave her a kiss on the forehead and started walking towards the door. Suddenly he realized that he was being a little insensitive and then he turned around and said: _"Some other time?"_  
_  
"Sure… I have my movies… go. Tell your dad I said hello,"_ she said trying to sound normal and ok with the whole situation. She wasn't comfortable, but… everything was going so well with them, that she knew things were gonna keep being like that… she hoped it would.

_"Bye…,"_ he said and he was finally out the door.  
_  
_He got on his car and immediately took out his cell phone to call Frank. He needed to talk to someone… and right now, he seemed like the least harmful solution to his problems. Frank didn't give it a second thought and immediately asked where to meet Ryan. Luckily for him, he and Julie had decided to postpone their honeymoon due to the fact that Nathan, Ryan's half brother, had the chickenpox. Julie, being a really motherly person now, (who'd have thought?) had wanted to be with her son, and Frank had agreed.

Since his brother was sick, and he didn't really knew what Frank's plans for the rest of the day were, he asked to meet him in a coffee store near his house, so if anything occurred, Frank could be back to his house as fast as the lightening and be with his family.

Ryan was in such a rush to get it all out of his chest that he'd driven really fast and had been there in less than ten minutes. He arrived even before Frank did… and while he was there waiting… Taylor was again on his mind.

There was no point in denying it anymore. She was the 'strange feeling' that he hadn't been brave enough to name. He'd been carrying around with this painfulness that he'd chosen to turn into some sort of hate just because it was easier to feel relieved when he thought about her that way.

But eventually it had turned too much even for him. He'd spent those four months trying to alternate his life between being distracted and not letting himself be hurt, that all this bottling up had reached its limit now.

With a sigh, he finally admitted to himself too why this day had been so hard for him to ignore her. It would've been their 5 years and six months anniversary if it hadn't been for what she'd done to them… if she hadn't doomed them to what they were now… two strangers carrying around the baggage of their past.

That devastation and the occasional thought of what might've been with her, sometimes caused him to try to comprehend her reasons… her motives… If she'd loved him so much, then why had she done that? He always found himself asking why… and somewhere in the back of his head… he needed, desperately, to know why.

But just right now, he was focusing on his feelings… on trying to get everything out in the open and just have someone listening to him… to his frustration and… to his pain.

He was sitting on a coffee table waiting when his father showed up.

_"Hey kid…,"_ Frank said taking a sit in front of Ryan.

_"Hey…,"_ Ryan said in a sad tone while doing his best to give a smile. _"How's Nathan?"_  
_  
"He's… ok I guess,"_ he said half smiling too. _"Julie's with him right now and he was asleep when I left."_  
_  
"Oh…,"_ Ryan said while looking at the table.

He really had no idea how to do this. He really wanted to talk and to say everything he had inside him…but… he wasn't a guy of words. And obviously, his dad wasn't either. The conversation got stuck for a while and neither of them knew what to do or to say… until Frank finally said something.

_"Ok… since we're not the talking types, I think it's better if we say the obvious first,"_ he said a little awkwardly.

_"Hmmm yeah…,"_ Ryan said nodding his head. His conversational skills weren't improving.

_"Ok… so there's something important you need to discuss… obviously. But I just can't understand why you would come to me,"_ he said while he started looking at the table for a moment.

_"What do you mean?"_ Ryan said a little confused.

_"Whenever there's something big, you talk to Seth first… but you sounded a little desperate over the phone…,"_ Frank said in an awkward tone… this was kinda strange for him too.

_"Yeah… this is something I wouldn't talk to Seth,"_ he said half smiling and looking at the table for a while…

_"I see… then it's a girl's thing…,"_ Frank said trying to test the grounds and see Ryan's reaction.

_"Exactly… well… sorta,"_ Ryan said looking at the distance and feeling a bubbly thing in his stomach. He was nervous and mad…

Frank noticed that whatever it was that was troubling his son, it had to be something big, because he saw that fire in his eyes… a fire he recognized too well… so he started getting worried and said: _"Is there something going on with Lindsay?"_

Ryan kinda snapped out of it when he heard his dad… surprisingly, for the first time in his life, his girlfriend wasn't the one causing him troubles… it was some other girl. 

_"No, no. Lindsay's fine… we're fine," _he said giving his dad a reassuring smile and shaking his head a little.

_"Good…,"_ Frank said sighing a little. Then, if Lindsay wasn't the problem, then there was only one girl who could produce his son to feel such fiery intensity like the one he'd just seen in his eyes. In fact, it was pretty clear to him that Lindsay didn't produce that sparkling thing in him… at least she hadn't yet. _"So… I saw you and Taylor talking at the reception…"_  
_  
_Ryan took a big breath when he heard her name. He started tapping his fingers on the table and all this wave of feelings, ruled by just plain unsettlement, started taking over him. This fire started burning inside him and his eyes got lost in a single spot in the distance. Frank immediately noticed he'd hit a fragile nerve… but for the first time, he didn't see peace on his son when her name was mentioned… he just saw this cruelty and confusion… that worried him to the point where he just found himself saying, wrinkling his brow: _"You're mad at her…"_  
_  
"To say the least…," _Ryan said while a flash of pain passed through his eyes… It was as if it hurt him to feel this strongly about her. As if a little part of him was aching because he couldn't avoid feeling mad…

_"You're not mad…,"_ Frank said but stopped when he noticed his son's startled face. _"I mean… you're mad, but there's something else in there… Besides, I can't understand why you would be so mad at her… She's always been so sweet, and funny and… she's been good to you, to me… to everyone… she's always put everyone else before herself…"_  
_  
_Ryan's breathing pattern had started getting more and more agitated when he'd started hearing her father listing all the things that characterized Taylor. She was sweet and funny and… everything his father had said had been true. At least that was what she used to be. Because no one with those qualities would've done what she'd done to him. He couldn't bare his father saying all those things… it made him mad and it made him wanna start yelling and screaming that she'd made him be two different people, that she hadn't considered him important enough to be a part of their child's fate… that she hadn't even tried to explain anything and that he just couldn't forgive her… not without understanding… that he was bound to hate her until he did… All these emotions and all this… madness took over him… and before his father could've finished what wonderful qualities Taylor possessed… Ryan couldn't take it anymore and said: _"She had an abortion… without even asking me first…"_  
_  
_Then… for Frank… it all made sense. Their break up, how quickly Ryan had fallen into Lindsay's arms and had immersed himself into that relationship, why his son was so… mixed up. Yes, Ryan seemed mad. But Frank saw more… it wasn't just anger… it was pain. He understood how it felt to try and be mad instead of being hurt… he was an Atwood. He also saw… his anger towards Taylor had the same intensity that his love for her had had… He understood why he hadn't talked to anyone else… and why it had taken him so long to tell someone… Because he just couldn't ignore her. Obviously, he'd tried… but hadn't succeed…

Frank saw, that the reason he couldn't ignore her, was because he hadn't given up on her yet. If Ryan would've had, then he wouldn't have cared about seeing her at the reception and it hadn't unsettled him that much… but he couldn't ignore her.

He'd convinced himself, subconsciously, that since he couldn't ignore her and couldn't love her because it hurt too much, he had to find a feeling… an emotion big enough to encapsulate the lengths of his love for her… and the only other strong emotion that could fill love's shoes was it's opposite: hate.

But this wasn't real hate… it was denial… That much Frank could tell… because he'd been like Ryan when he'd been a kid… the master of denial when it came to what he really felt.

They sat there brooding in complete silence for a while… until Ryan said in a low voice… a calm… but low voice: _"Do you get it now?"_  
_  
_Frank only smiled… and he said: _"I get it son… I do."_  
_  
_Frank got it… he got the whole picture. The whole picture that Ryan hadn't been able to see because he was mad and in denial. And he also got the fact that he needed to understand everything… to see the whole scene all by himself. It was gonna take time for him to push himself into doing something… and it was gonna take him time to realize what he was feeling… since the only one who always told him what he felt was Taylor… and she was probably too bruised to tell him now…

Yes, Frank got it… and he knew… this was gonna take a while.


	5. Discovering Old Things

_**Author's Note:** Hey! I wanted to thank you all for the wonderful reviews on the last chapter. They were really amazing! There's nothing like getting feedback from your readers and I encourage you to keep reviewing throughout the story. I know the story has been running a little slow plot-wise, but hopefully, that will change after this chapter. I hope I don't repeat myself too much, but I really wanna thank Sandra on this chapter. With everything that's going on in my life right now, I was struggling with this chapter, but with her support, I was able to finish this. So thank you. As always, I hope I don't dissapoint you and that all of you enjoy reading this. Don't forget to review at the end! Love, Sharon._

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 5**

**Discovering Old Things**

"_We've got to do something!"_ Summer said, throwing her hands in the air in complete desperation and pacing around the room frantically. It was around 7pm on a Saturday night and she seemed to have nothing better to do than invest all her energies into hitting the floor with her feet.

That had been her mood during the last couple of days. She missed Taylor… no, wait a second; this was way past missing her, she NEEDED Taylor! Ever since the 'mysterious incident', which was the name Seth had given to the Atwood/Townsend break up, Summer had started feeling that she was losing her best friend. Taylor and Summer did everything together... it had been that way since… since forever!

But all of that had changed… starting four months ago. Whatever it was that had caused the 'mysterious incident', it had left Taylor with a really big scar… well, it wasn't a scar, that would require for the wounds to have healed, and judging by the way Taylor had changed… those wounds were still bleeding. And those wounds, for some strange reason that Summer couldn't understand, were making Taylor pull away… and Summer hated it.

She knew Taylor wanted to say it, to talk about it, she could see it in her eyes whenever they saw each other, and she could sense it in her voice the few times they'd talked on the phone. So she'd asked, more times than she could remember, exactly what it had been that had separated her from the love of her life. But it was as if Taylor had taken a vow of silence… nothing ever came out.

Taylor was pulling back and getting more and more withdrawn every day. And it wasn't about just pulling away from Summer, it was about alienating everyone…

So yes, Summer needed Taylor; the old, annoying, neurotic, babbling Taylor, and she thought she was actually gonna get her wish when they'd spent two hours talking about pure nonsense at the wedding reception! Ah, that nonsense paradise! There was no pain, no shutting her out, they were having fun!

So when Taylor went to get something to drink and never came back, Summer had known that she'd gone back to shutting her out, only this time, she had a pretty good idea of what had caused her to pull back again. Her sixth sense told her that Taylor leaving had been related to an encounter with Ryan. Ok, that wasn't a sixth sense, that was just plain common sense. But, anyway, after trying and failing to make Taylor talk about what he'd done or said, she'd decided that she'd had enough! She needed to know, damn it; she HAD to know something about the break up. She'd had to do something!

_"What do you want me to do Summer?! Don't you think I've tried talking to Ryan?"_ Seth said, watching his wife pace around the room while sitting on the couch.

_"Well, you obviously haven't tried hard enough!"_ Summer said while she stopped in a spot to look at her husband.

_"Oh believe me, I've tried. I've tried putting my Jedi mind tricks to use, but the force doesn't seem to break him…,"_ he said with a half smile and in a sarcastic tone while Summer's jaw dropped…

_"It's not funny, Cohen! I need to know what happened so I can help Taylor, and Taylor will be able to help me with all my hormonal mood swings, 'cause otherwise, if you keep making fun of what I think is serious, this child is gonna be fatherless before it's born!"_ She said in just one breath while pointing a finger at him and giving him a look he knew all too well… If he didn't humor her soon, she was gonna definitely make an attempt to kill him.

_"Ok, ok…,"_ Seth said while he got up from the chair and wrapped Summer in his arms. _"But what do you want me to do? Every time I mention Taylor's name, he gives me the same look you just gave me…"_

_"I know you've tried… sorry…,"_ Summer said while she sighed onto Seth's chest. _"It's just that I miss her you know? The real her. And I've tried to get through to her but she just…" _She sighed again because she didn't want to explain what Taylor always did to avoid her because it was gonna cause another rage blackout._ "One of them has to crack, Seth…"_

Seth just squeezed her real tight because he knew what she was going through. He was going through the same thing with Ryan. Maybe not exactly the same thing… but something like that. Ryan didn't talk about Taylor and sometimes he seemed lost. Yes, he was happy with Lindsay, at least a little, but whenever he was alone, and Seth caught a glimpse of his face, his mind seemed to be drifting, as if trying to figure out something… to make sense out of whatever had happened.

Ryan wasn't as absent as Taylor. Seth knew that rage was Ryan's survival weapon so it made sense for him to be less absent, whereas Taylor always found herself in touch with her real emotions. So that was the way it was: Ryan seemed angry at Taylor, while Taylor seemed hurt because of Ryan… but he still couldn't understand why his brother had such hate for the woman, in Seth's opinion, who had made him the man he'd become.

He'd tried asking… with no results. Yes, one of them had to crack… but that possibility seemed far away. Still, he didn't want to disappoint his wife, so he said: _"Yes… they will crack eventually."_

_"I don't want 'eventually'. I want now!" _Summer said as if she was a 4 year old. _"Oh… I have an idea!"_

_"Uh-oh…,"_ Seth said when he felt Summer pull back and start looking for her purse, her eyes sparkling with excitement. _"I'm scared right now…"_

_"Chill… you only have to do the easy part. The hard part is mine, and it's good because at least I get to do some catharsis,"_ Summer said while she started looking for some other stuff to get out of the house.

_"Catharsis?"_ Seth said while he gave Summer a strange look.

_"You know… get some closure, get it out of my system?"_ Summer said giving him an 'are you dumb?' look.

_"I know what it means… is just weird hearing you say it,"_ Seth said trying his best to make her believe that he knew the meaning of the word…

_"Nice try, baby…,"_ Summer said while she squeezed one of his cheeks. _"So here's what we're going to do… You're going to Taylor's; I'm going to Ryan's."_

_"Why would I go to Taylor's?"_ Seth said giving his wife a quizzical look.

_"Because we're changing the strategy here!"_ Summer said as if it wasn't obvious. _"I've tried with Taylor and you've tried with Ryan and we've both ended up empty handed… so I'm making Chino talk today, while you just go hang out with Taylor."_

_"Why are you making him talk and I only have to 'hang out' with Taylor?"_ Seth said puzzled and feeling dizzy with his wife's obsession.

_"Because, as much as I love you, you aren't gonna make Taylor talk… you're not capable of doing that… I however, need to give Atwood a piece of my mind,"_ she said while she leaned up to give Seth a quick kiss and headed for the door.

_"Summer…,"_ Seth said in a warning tone that obviously Summer understood…

_"I'll be careful, and don't worry… I'm not gonna push it if he ends up not telling me anything. Like I said, I just need to get it out of my system… he needs to know what I think."_

_"Ok… bye wife… love you,"_ he said while he sighed a little in relief.

_"Love you too husband… now get ready and go to Taylor's!"_ Summer said while she blew him a kiss and got out of the house.

Seth sat down on the couch for a while… what was he supposed to talk about with Taylor? Sure, he considered her a friend, but during all this time, he'd hardly had a conversation with her without either Summer or Ryan present. And now that the girl seemed to be a completely different person, he wasn't sure he could talk to her.

She hardly seemed like the tornado she'd always been, and honestly, Seth missed the tornado. Yeah, he was aware of how scary that was, but he did. He missed the bubbling personality too. She was the only person in the world who could top his ramblings… But she'd lost herself, and the worst part of it was that she didn't seem interested in finding herself either.

He was there thinking for a while, about what he could do to bring Taylor's bubbly personality back to life for just a while so he could make Summer happy, and then he remembered the only thing that seemed to connect him to Taylor… besides the rambling contests.

He got up from the couch and started searching through his DVD collection and then headed over to Taylor's apartment.  
When he was finally there, he knocked on the door, and when she finally opened it, he noticed she was wearing her pajamas already… at only 8 o'clock on a Saturday night.

_"Seth…! Hi!"_ she said pulling a strand of hair away from her face.

_"Hey…,"_ he said giving her a smile and looking at her. _"You were going to sleep already?"_

_"In a while, yeah…,"_ she said smiling a little while looking at her outfit; large pants and a sweater, both with sheep designs. _"Oh… silly me… come on in."_

_"No, it's ok…,"_ he said shaking his head a little and frankly, feeling relieved that he was getting a way out. _"If you're going to sleep already…"_

_"No, it's ok, seriously…,"_ she said while she opened the door for him to get through. _"I could use the company…"_

_"Ok…,"_ Seth said as he got into the apartment, and looked at how neat the apartment was. _"Wow, you really are a cleaning maniac."_

_"I'm a maniac with pretty much everything…,"_ she said turning to see him, but then a wave of sadness took over her and she said in a really low voice, not wanting for Seth to hear:_ "At least, I used to be…"_

They both stayed in silence for a moment… Taylor a little nostalgic, and Seth really not knowing what to say because he'd heard Taylor. They both seemed to be remembering times when everything had been perfect; when the universe seemed to be balanced… But eventually Taylor said, trying to seem perky: _"So… what brings you by?"_

_"Well…," _Seth said looking at the floor for a moment and then noticing the DVD he had on his hand. _"I was in the mood for some Korean cinema and who else's better to appreciate anime than my dear friend the adorable and beloved Taylor Townsend?"_

_"Summer sent you…,"_ Taylor said taking a sit on the couch and smiling.

_"What are you talking about woman?"_ Seth said doing his best to pretend she hadn't hit the right spot ._"Can't I just hang out with you without you accusing me? That was very offensive!"_

_"Seth…,"_ Taylor said glaring at him carefully.

_"I'm that obvious?" _he said taking a sit in front of Taylor and giving her an awkward smile.

_"Kinda…you sold yourself when you called me your 'dear friend the adorable and beloved Taylor',"_ she said wrinkling her brow a little while giving him a smile in return.

_"Yeah… well… I'm quite the transparent guy,"_ he said looking at the floor.

_"So… what does Summer want?"_ she asked while she studied Seth's expressions, looking for some kind of sign…

_"She pretty much sent me over here to see if I could make you talk," _he said really sincerely. There was no point in pretending anymore.

_"She's such a bossy girl!"_ Taylor said nodding her head and giving him a small smile, _"but Seth, you're not making me talk…"_

_"I know… and she knows it too… that's why I brought the Yakuza Prep DVD,"_ he said motioning the DVD.

_"Really???"_ she asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement, but then, she went back to being that lost girl… _"Seth… you don't need to baby-sit me… or you don't need to be here just because Summer asked you to… You can go home and tell her you did your job."_

_"Well… at first, I was gonna come here just because Summer asked me to…,"_ he admitted while looking into her eyes, _"…but then I realized that I really miss the perky Taylor… who you used to be. And Summer misses her too."_

_"I miss her too,"_ she said while she played with her nails for a moment and then looked at Seth again.

_"I know… I saw that the minute I came in´. That's why I'm not pressuring you,"_ he said reaching out for one of her hands. _"I just want you to know I'm here… that Summer may be pushing you, but she only does it because she cares… Just understand her mood swings…,"_ he finished with a laugh.

_"She must be giving you a hard time…,"_ Taylor said looking down to the floor.

_"Yeah, another reason I had to go away…,"_ he said giving her a martyr look that Taylor couldn't avoid laughing at.

_"See? You're already making fun of me… so, can we just watch the damn DVD?"_ he said laughing with her.

_"Sure…,"_ she said, feeling relieved that Summer had sent him to watch over her.

They fell into this comfortable friendly silence while they both watched the movie. It actually had Seth starting to ask himself why he hadn't spent more time with Taylor as a friend… She seemed too innocent and so broken. And then he remembered that wasn't her at all… what had happened that had made her change so much? What had Ryan done to her? Why had their relationship fallen apart? Sitting right beside her, seeing how much she had changed in less than six months, made him curious to know… All of his hopes were on Summer now…

Meanwhile, Summer was just arriving at Ryan's. She was a little anxious, 'cause she knew what she wanted: she knew that she wanted Ryan to tell her something. She'd spent too much time trying to place the pieces of the puzzle, and she thought she deserved to know! But she didn't want her anxiousness to take over, 'cause, knowing how Ryan got when Taylor's name was mentioned, it was bound to cause Kid Chino to resurface, joined with an enormous rage black-out if her emotions got the best of her.

So she knocked on the door… and then he opened it all dressed up and ready to go out.

_"Atwood…,"_ she said giving him a smile.

_"Hey Summer,"_ he said surprised to see her there. _"I was just heading out…"_

_"Yeah… I kinda noticed,"_ Summer said looking at him from head to toe. _"But, um… do you have a minute?"_

_"Sure… come in,"_ he said looking at her a little worried while she entered the apartment. _"Is everything ok?"_

_"Well, it depends on how you look at it…,"_ Summer said while she turned to look at him. _"Where are you going?"_

_"I'm supposed to meet Lindsay in a few minutes, but she can wait… What's wrong?"_ he asked concerned.

_"Lindsay, huh?"_ Summer asked, faking a smile; she really didn't want to increase the emotions inside of her by thinking of the girl who, in her opinion, had made her best friend pull away from her.

_"Yeah…,"_ Ryan said kinda noticing where this conversation was headed. It was about Taylor…

_"How are you guys?"_ Summer asked in a hypocritical tone that Ryan picked up immediately.

_"We're fine, thank you…,"_ he said getting a little bit more defensive. _"So what brings you by?"_

_"Nothing… I just needed to get away from Cohen for a while, and we haven't hung out together since… far too long to remember,"_ Summer said talking calmly and smiling at him while she made herself comfortable on his couch.

_"Ok…,"_ he said feeling strange and awkward. He knew Summer was trying to make small talk, but a part of him was curious, so he sat down beside her on the couch and said: _"So what do you want to talk about?"_

_"Let's start with something simple…,"_ she said smiling and feeling more anxious by the second. _"What've you been up to lately?"_

_"Work… devoting my life to working, and spending every free time with Lindsay… talking to Seth sometimes…,"_ he said not sure of what to say and trying to delay the inevitable conversation she wanted to have. But since he couldn't talk much, he was failing miserably.

_"You went to the wedding a week ago…,"_ she said trying to hint it innocently…

_"Summer…,"_ he said in a low warning tone, but Summer didn't seem to care… she was way to anxious to care.

_"Saw a certain lady there…,"_ she said looking at him straight to his eyes. _"…and maybe when that happened, you weren't spending every free time with Lindsay…"_

_"Ok… Summer, I have to go,"_ he said standing up and raising his voice above hers.

_"Come on Ryan… I need to know!"_ she said losing every ounce of self control she had inside her.

_"What's so important that you want to know about Taylor and me, Summer?"_ he said after taking a big breath and talking with a really calm voice.

_"I need to know what to do to help her… She's cutting me out of her life!"_ Summer said frustrated and almost yelling at him.

_"I knew that you wanted to make me talk…, but I'm not saying anything,"_ he said calmly and almost smiling to her._ "If someone's gonna tell you one day, it would have to be her… Besides, you're her best friend… she can't possibly be cutting you out of her life."_

Ok, this wasn't at all what Summer had expected. She'd expected him to be yelling and probably punching something by this point… but she hadn't even said her name… HE HAD! And the world hadn't stopped spinning… He seemed way too at ease for what Seth had told her… and she knew Seth could overreact, but never about Ryan's quick temper…

_"You've talked to someone about it…,"_ she said amazed and almost whispering. _"You've talked to someone about it…"_

_"What are you talking about?"_ Ryan said feeling really surprised that she'd seen right through him.

_"You're way too calm for what I expected… that means that you've gotten it all out of your system… I seriously can't believe you,"_ she said wrinkling her brow and heading for the door.

_"Hey… wait a sec…,"_ he said calling out for her, and she turned around.

_"I can't believe that you told someone knowing that Taylor's never gonna say anything…especially not to me!"_ Summer said annoyed. Yes, her argument didn't make much sense, but she was just mad right now. She always thought she had the right to know first, she had the right to be there for her friend, and now, someone else out there knew, and she couldn't avoid feeling frustrated… Her best friend still kept silence, while the other person involved got to feel relieved!

_"You can't take that out on me! Besides, why wouldn't she tell you? If there's someone she could tell… it's you."_

_"Because you were her best friend, Ryan. Not me, you!"_ she said throwing her hands in the air. _"She never told me anything that you didn't know because you were her best friend! The only person in the world she would talk about it would be you… That's why she's pulling away! And you know what? I think that sooner or later, you're gonna realize that she was your best friend too, and that she's the only one you can talk to… not this random person you told,"_ she finished, looking at Ryan once more obviously feeling mad and hurt, and then she just stormed off.

All of the sudden, Ryan didn't feel like going out anymore. He'd never thought about what Summer had said before, and just like in a different episode of his life… He just found himself slowly sitting back on the couch and saying: _"Whoa…"_

Meanwhile, Taylor was still watching the movie with Seth, and she started thinking that she really missed who she'd been once upon a time… There was a part of her that was still missing, and sitting there with Seth, who was behaving like a friend, she remembered there was someone else who used to fill her movie nights and her lonely moments. She finally knew what it was that was still missing: Her best friend.

---------------------------------------------------------

**Thanks for reading the chapter. Now, Review Time!**


	6. I'm Still Here

**Chapter 6**

**I'm Still Here**

Ryan pulled the car over, turned off the engine and sighed. The look on his eyes got transfixed on a single spot in the distance; the place he was headed. He deviated his gaze to the sky for a moment… It was gorgeous. It was painted with these orange tones and you could see the sun slowly descending as if looking for a place to hide behind a mountain somewhere, far from there.

He got out of the car and started walking. He started taking in his surroundings; everything was quiet, you could only hear the occasional sounds of the wind passing through the leaves of every tree and maybe the sound of cars in the distance. Everything was splashed by timelessness, by stillness. It was a serene scenario, just like he wanted. For some strange reason he always thought it was best to visit cemeteries during the sunset or in the middle of the night. Those were moments where you could be totally alone… only your mind was with you and you could think about someone you were visiting and what they'd meant to you…

He was walking completely serious, not a trace of a smile on his face. It was always that way this day of the year. During the whole day, when he'd been working, he'd never smile, or laughed and he'd hardly said a word. He wasn't a babbling person to begin with, but he practically didn't talk at all this day of the year… the anniversary of his mother's death.

Dawn Atwood had died three years ago. He'd been surprised the day he'd received a phone call from her since they didn't talk a lot. They usually talked on each other's birthday and on special occasions like Thanksgiving, Chrismukkah or New Year's, but that day had been a regular day… Ryan had even checked the date too see if he'd missed something, and once he'd found he hadn't, he'd immediately figured out that something wasn't right.

His mother had told him that she was in Berkeley and that she only wanted to see him, but there had been something odd about it… She'd been living in Albuquerque for quite sometime and it was strange that, out of the blue, she just wanted to see him, but he'd agreed to meet her… she was his mom after all.

She'd greeted him that day as happy as always. He'd always felt a little uncomfortable when she called him 'baby' and hugged him really tight like he was a five year old, and this time hadn't been any different; not until she'd started crying while holding him.

He hadn't found himself asking what was wrong, because somehow… he already knew. He'd just held her closer and he'd felt how his own eyes had started getting misty and watery… That had been one of the few and only times he'd held her the same way that she'd always held him.

After a while of being there in complete silence, except for the occasional sobbing from his mom on his shoulders, they'd pulled apart, and the memory of his mother's ruined make up, and how she'd tried to force a smile, would probably always be imprinted on his memory.

Without even asking, Dawn had told him that she had cancer… ovarian cancer to be more specific. Even though he'd already seen something like that coming… he remembered feeling a shock, a cold feeling running through his veins and it only increased when she'd told him she only had around six months… and that she only wanted to see him before she died.

Ryan had felt that he had to do something. She'd been living alone in Albuquerque, she'd broken up with her boyfriend, and Trey had been completely off his radar for years now… He hadn't had any intentions of leaving his mother alone… not now when she really needed him the most. So he'd made her stay…

He'd gotten close to her during those six months. Everyone had gotten close to her. All the Cohen's had reached out to her like they always had done, and she really became part of their family during that brief period of time.

But for Ryan, he'd really gotten to know his mom, something he'd never done before… and maybe he hadn't even been sure if he'd wanted to. But he had… he had wanted to get to know her… and just when he was really getting attached to her, she'd past away.

The months after her death had been hard for him to deal. And just like when Marissa had died, he'd tried to shut everyone out…

Everyone had kept supporting him and he'd loved it, which made him feel guilty because he'd known that his mother's death wasn't leaving him like an 'orphan'; he'd had a family for years now, and his mother, his own biological mother, the one that had brought him to this earth, wasn't a part of that family anymore.

He'd felt loved even when his own mother had died, and he just hadn't found that to be the right feeling for his heart to carry when someone close to you, like your mother, dies. But it'd been inevitable to not feel loved and protected when someone as loving as Kirsten was filling him with hugs and kisses telling him it was all gonna be ok. So he'd pulled away, because he'd thought he owed it to her, to the strong and wonderful woman he'd gotten to know over those six months, to feel like an 'orphan', and in ways, he always did that day of the year.

He finally got to her grave and leaned down onto the ground to leave a bouquet of flowers he'd carried with him. It was a large bouquet of daisies; her favorites. That had been one of the things he'd learned a few days before her death, when she'd been laying in that hospital bed. To think that it had taken him his whole life to know his mother's favorite flowers while he'd known forever that Kirsten's favorites were red roses, always made him feel… guilty and horrible.

Yes, he always went to cemeteries to be alone, but there, touching Dawn's tombstone, a part of him desperately wanted some human presence… Not to hold him, not to say he didn't need to feel like that… just to be there. He raised his head and his eyes started searching for someone… anyone. A stranger… He got this so unsettling knot in his throat that he was even begging for a stranger to appear, just so he would feel some other people lived in tragedy… not just him.

He shifted his body a little, so he could look to that hill at the distance… the hill where she'd been standing still the year before. He remembered the exact expression her faced had portrayed because it had made him feel the reassuring emotion he was desperately seeking now: Taylor had made him feel like he'd never ever experienced being alone…

-----------------------------

_They'd done pretty much the same thing he'd done that day, only together. She'd been driving in silence the whole road there, and as cliché as it sounds; it was one of those silences that said more than a thousand words ever could. He'd been saying with that silence that he wasn't ready to talk… that this was his way to deal. That as much as he wanted to share how guilty he felt or how horrible of a person he thought he was for neglecting his mother when he'd moved in with the Cohen's, that was something that he couldn't just put into words. And with her silence, he'd known she'd understood. She'd told him that it was ok… There hadn't been anything about him that she hadn't known already. _

_They'd gotten out of the car and had walked, not even holding hands. Usually, Taylor had been the one who'd always found his hands in situations where he'd seemed emotionless, not because she'd wanted to bring up an emotion, but because she'd known that when she couldn't read his mind, there were too many thoughts there to be comprehended. But this time, she hadn't even tried to hold him. And he'd felt thankful for that. _

_She hadn't forced him into doing or saying anything… even if she was the only person he'd never alienated and was the only one who could make him talk if she'd wanted to. She had the ability of making him translate his confusion into actual words, but since his mom had died, on that day, she hadn't used it. _

_When they'd reached a fair distance from the grave, she'd stopped walking and he'd stopped too, knowing she'd been about to give him the space he needed… because if she'd walk further with him, it would be too easy. She'd had the tendency of making every hard thing for him to feel like a breath of fresh air, and that hadn't been what this annual trip to Dawn Atwood's grave was supposed to be like. It was supposed to be hard, so he could move on and continue his life feeling like he could forgive himself. He'd known she'd had her opinion about it, he'd known that somewhere inside her, she'd been wanting to tell him that he didn't have to forgive himself for anything because he'd gotten to know his mom, he'd done for her what he could've done and he'd loved her… That he'd been able to be with the Cohen's without feeling like he was betraying his blood, because that had been what his mother had wanted all along: for him to be happy… for him to have a chance and become a great man… But she'd stayed in silence… just being there._

_She'd looked at him straight in the eyes and, not even smiling, she'd said: _"Go…"

_He'd stayed there for a moment looking at her. Fear had been taking a part of his heart, because, as much as he'd found the torture of being emotionally distant necessary, he'd known that it had been causing Taylor pain to see him like that… to feel like he'd been sad and lonely and she couldn't do anything about it. He'd known she'd felt that way, that powerless feeling since he'd told her that his mom only had few months to live. He'd known she'd hurt with him the day of her funeral. He'd known she'd felt everything, because she'd been there with him and with his mom every step of the way since his mom had appeared and even though he'd been able to see she'd felt it too, she'd never said anything… because she'd tried to be the tough one, because she'd known he was gonna need her. He'd been afraid that at some point, the strong feeling she was portraying would become too much for her and that she would leave him alone… That she would pull away too much, thinking that he hadn't wanted her there when, in reality, she'd been the only one who he'd wanted there with him…_

_He'd looked at the ground… not daring to keep his gaze anymore because he hadn't wanted to show with his eyes that he'd been afraid of not finding her there when he'd come back… when he'd heard her say:_

"Ryan, I'll be here…"

_He'd immediately looked at her pretty hazel eyes that had been sparkling with the sun's last rays reflecting in them. She'd once again, read his mind… and once again… he'd felt like she'd been the only woman who got him completely. He'd always been aware that he'd been a mystery… that his broody closed up mind never allowed anyone to figure exactly what was rolling around in there, but she'd always figured it out. And she'd told him, that even though she hadn't agreed with his reasons… she'd been willing to be there for him… just because she'd seen that he'd needed her._

_He'd leaned in and had given her a long lingering kiss. He'd felt how she'd been shocked at his response, because he'd been blocked from feelings that day the year before, but he'd thought that such a magic, simple, yet powerful thing like letting him know she was gonna stay there for him, deserved for him to be spontaneous, to just for once not do what she'd expected. He'd kissed her… in a way that had only held pure and undeniable love and gratefulness._

-------------------------------

He'd remembered how she'd stayed there standing still, looking at him, letting him know that she was gonna stay there for as long as it took for him to complete the journey, for him to hurt, for him to miss his mom and for him to feel like he'd paid for his sins… the angelical yet nostalgic expression on her face had told him then, that he'd never be alone…

But the hill at the distance didn't show her presence… How was he not supposed to feel alone? No one was there! Not even Lindsay!

Ok, maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe she would've been there if he'd told her what this day was all about for him. He hadn't told her this was the anniversary of his mom's death, instead, he'd given her an excuse saying that he was gonna work late that day and if he ever got out early, he'd probably take some of the work home.

At first, he'd told himself that he'd said that lie because it was a subject that required him to open up and to talk about deep emotions and for some reason, he couldn't talk about things like that with Lindsay. He really didn't get why it was so hard to talk about that stuff with her since they could talk about any other subject for hours… So he'd told himself that maybe it'd been because he'd wanted to be alone… but right now, that didn't make much sense. He was wishing for someone to be there!

Looking at that hill, at the distance, he understood the truth behind that lie… yes; he was wishing for someone to be there… but not Lindsay… Taylor.

He kept imagining her, on that hill, showing nothing but serenity, and the thought of seeing her there, the wind moving the auburn locks of her hair ever so slightly… made him feel less alone. It gave him peace.

He couldn't believe he'd hated her three months ago. That seemed so far away now. He'd stopped hating her. Talking to his dad regularly had made him stop feeling that destructive emotion for her. Yes, the slight feeling of confusion on occasions hit his mind whenever he thought about her, but right now, only the longing of her presence, made him feel relieved… something he hadn't felt three months ago.

As he got up, went back to the car and started driving, he'd started realizing that he actually missed her. He missed having someone he didn't need to talk to for that person to understand his thoughts… he missed having the option of staying in silence with someone even if he could say everything without a problem… he missed having someone who could just be there and stay there, no question's asked.

Then, the words of a frustrated Summer echoed on his mind: _"Someday you're gonna realize that she was your best friend…"_

She'd said that three months before and the thought still unsettled him. But now, he could finally understand it was the truth. The reason why their relationship had lasted had been due to the fact that they'd been friends… they'd talked about literally everything. From the nonsensical rambles to the serious issues… they could talk.

He'd never had a relationship like that where you feel comfortable with someone because there's a stronger bond than just chemistry, someone you see yourself talking to for hours and hours and the conversational themes never run out, as well as you can picture yourself with the phone attached to your ear without either of you making a sound. Taylor had been the first girl in his life he'd had that with… and there had been times when he'd felt like having her as a girlfriend was just a bonus.

Yeah… he missed her. He missed having her in his life. She'd been absent for 7 months because he'd chosen to hate her… a hate that he'd now understood to be curiosity and wanting to know what might've been if—

_"One step at a time Ryan, one step at a time,"_ he'd said to himself. That curiosity was a subject for some other time… right now just realizing that he missed her was enough to send his mind rolling off the tracks…

What was he supposed to do now? Just call her? After how he'd made her feel three months ago on the wedding, why would he do something like that? It wasn't like he could just pick up the phone and say: _"Hey Taylor… I was rude to you for the longest time and now I really don't feel like being alone on my mom's death anniversary, so I was hoping you would just talk to me and be my friend again." _NO, THAT WOULD DEFINITELY NOT WORK.

He really missed her… and it started getting him angry that missing her was getting so hard on his nerves. Why hadn't she just stayed there like she'd said she was going to? Why had she let him push her far away? Why hadn't she seen through his rage like she'd done before? Why?

Ok… maybe that was selfish of him…but damn it! He really needed her to be there!

He got home and he opened the door, and was curious when he found a piece of paper that had been slid down through the door's crack that separated it from the floor. It was a really tiny thing… but it caught his attention. He leaned and picked it up, and he felt a shiver go through his toes to his head…

It was a slightly pink paper… and it smelled really girly… a scent he hadn't felt in a really long time. The design of the paper had a lily in the corner… a lily he recognized from the diary he'd given her last year for her birthday. She'd always kept diaries… the reason? She had the crazy obsession that life always repeated itself, so she always wrote everything down so that the next time she had a déjà vu feeling, she could go back and prove it. How insane was that?

At least that was the crazy reason she'd always give everyone, and the crazy reason everyone bought because of her neurotic nature…

But the truth… the real truth she'd told him, was that she loved to write… She loved to write her experiences and her own inspiration because someday, she was sure she would find a good chapter of her life that was worth publishing and she would make a book about it… That was her biggest dream.

So he'd bought her a new diary, telling her that, that diary was gonna be the chapter of her life that was gonna be worth publishing.

To think that she'd taken out a piece of that diary's pages to write him something… made him exhale not even noticing he'd been holding his breath.

He ran his fingers over the words of the paper, he didn't know why he did it… but it was as if he was trying to feel what she'd felt when she'd written it:

_"Ryan… I'm still here. Just in case…"_

They hadn't spoken for three months, and the last time they had, he'd treated her awfully… and she'd still remembered how lonely he would feel that day…

Once again the shiver passed through him, making every single hair on the back of his neck stand up. She'd read his mind… _"How the hell do you keep doing that?"_ he whispered to himself while still running his fingers softly through the paper. Then immediately followed Summer's voice inside his head saying: _"She was your best friend!"_

Ok, maybe that was just a little freaky to be hearing Summer's voice out of nowhere, but it didn't make it any less true. If something proved that Summer knew her stuff… this was it! And he had to do something about it!

He put the paper on the counter and without even thinking to, he found himself taking the phone into his hands. He stayed there for a minute trying to think if this was the best thing to do, but then his fingers answered for him when he'd started dialing her number… slightly shocked that he still knew it… that it hadn't been erased from his memory…

He felt how his palms started getting sweaty… She was so selfless, it was scary! She hadn't thought about herself…! She'd thought that he still hated her, and still she had written to him telling him that she was still there. She hadn't thought of the things that had hurt her… she hadn't thought about anything… She was determined to save him during his dark day… and that made him nervous.

She was definitely his best friend…

The phone started ringing and he got anxious by the second… until he finally heard her voice:

_"Hello?"_ she said in a really calm tone… not at all the perky tone she'd always used when she answered her phone in the past. He voice seemed weary… kinda changed… but her essence was still there.

_"Taylor…," _his lips let out as a reflex before his mind could register it. It was as if his body and his memory had been working together during the whole day to make him realize that she was his best friend. That was the only thing he found himself able to say, because her voice pretty much called for it. Her name belonged there… and it felt good to say it after all that time.

There was a silence for a while and he thought she was gonna hang up. Maybe the thought crossed her mind… he'd never know. What he did know, was that his heart felt a relief when she said in the same tone, almost as if she'd felt the same thing too: _"Ryan…"_

It'd been far too long since he'd heard her say his name that way… so understanding and so surprised… Yes, maybe her tone of voice had changed, but her essence was still there, and that thought brought to him the same peace her face had given him while she'd been standing on that hill: He wasn't alone anymore; his best friend was back in his life… even if it was for just one phone call.

No thoughts of rage, or pain, or loneliness were there anymore. No thoughts of Lindsay, no thoughts of Summer, no thoughts of his dad… no, it was just Taylor and how comfortable the silence felt. The silence when she knew why he'd called and he knew she was there. There were no words necessary… she was just being there like he needed her to be… And during that moment, the choice had been given to him… he could just start telling her how he'd missed her there on her mother's grave, how hard that day had been because she was the only one he could talk with about that sort of stuff… But there was no need, because she already knew. He'd been given back the choice of not saying anything for someone to understand him…

She already knew.

They'd fallen into this comfortable silence, the kinda silence you can stay in for hours and hours listening to and never getting bored. It was a silence that carried the weight of the words that were needless to say. It was a silence filled with the words that had already been said the year before… and had been written that day on a peace of paper. It was a magical silence… a silence that marked the beginning of a new chapter…

For how long they stayed on that phone line without saying another word, would always remain a mystery, even for them. But it was a comfortable feeling… a reassuring feeling… a perfect peace…

And he smiled… his only smile of the day.


	7. Unexpected Changes

**_Author's Note:_ Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while but it's been kinda crazy around here. My birthday was the 9th in case you wanna know, and besides that, I've been going through a lot of things recently, so writing hasn't been a priority. But hey, here it is the next installment of the story. Hope you all like it and please leave your reviews at the end because you know I live and breathe for them...**

**Bye guys...! Sharon**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 7**

"**Unexpected Changes"**

"_Life is full of lessons. Some of us learn a lot of things just from watching someone else's mistakes, some of us don't. Sometimes we just need to crash and burn to fully comprehend the lessons life is trying to teach us. Of course, the smartest way of learning is too see what other people are going through and learn from their mistakes… but some of us are just too stubborn to do so._

_We hold on to the idea that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', that what's good for you is not necessarily good for me, that what I've learned doesn't have to apply to you because we're completely different people… and in some cases, those statements are true._

_But throughout my short, yet eventful life I've found the only lesson that's true in all cases, without exception: life is bound to change…"_

It was a regular Sunday. All the major things that required attention were done; everything was neat, clean and shiny. Taylor looked with a strong sense of pride at what she'd accomplished in the short period of three hours. Everything had been a little hectic with work that week, and she hadn't had any time to clean at all, so she'd been looking forward to that free Sunday with an excitement that was a little bizarre.

Even though, to her, the place looked like a pigsty, her apartment was never too unclean. She was a freak when it came to maintaining things in order and even her 'messes' were far more clean than what normal people would consider disasters.

Still, her obsessed-with-cleaning conscience had kept telling her that the place had been indecent during that whole week and it'd been killing her whenever she'd got home from work to be "too tired" to run the vacuum. But she'd spent the last three hours vacuuming, dusting, and doing some mile rearranging of the furniture, compensating for all the times when she'd been too exhausted to listen to her neurotic brain.

Yes, now everything was clean and the world could keep on spinning.

Although it wasn't just being done with the apartment what was filling her with pride, it was the fact that she now had the rest of the afternoon for herself.

She'd been working like a slave for… she'd lost count. Every weekend had been spent working, doing paperwork… being busy. But that wasn't the bad thing. Every free weekend had been spent watching anime with Seth, which had become a regular thing after that Saturday night he'd gone visiting her three months before, or being with Summer, who apparently had made a determination to NEVER leave her alone.

_"Cute…,"_ Taylor had thought to herself in the beginning, _"I can use the company"_, but now, the Cohen-Roberts couple were drowning her- especially the Roberts part of the clan. It seemed like Summer never ran out of activities for them to do. If it wasn't shopping, it was doing manis and pedis, or going to an art show with Seth. Those things were normally fun, but every free weekend there was something planned!

Taylor normally never had problems with plans, but Summer had gone totally crazy with not leaving her. Summer was supposed to be pregnant and complaining about swollen ankles, not going at 1000 miles per hour! It seemed like the rolls had switched. Taylor was the normal one and Summer was the neurotic girl, and it was scary.

Taylor had started missing herself… you know? The moments when you have nothing else to do and you can just sit back, relax and... be alone.

She believed in having a balance between those two things, being alone, and not feeling alone… and for the past seven months she'd had too much of either one of those. First, alienating everyone, and then… being too crowded. She desperately needed the balance, so she'd begged Summer to let her have this weekend to clean the apartment, and when that hadn't worked, she'd told her that she just needed one silly little weekend alone… and then they could go back to the routine Summer had formed.

Summer had agreed, after a lot of convincing. And Taylor knew this was the last Sunday she had alone in only God knew how long, so she'd cleaned as fast as she could, after all, cleaning had been necessary, and now, she could make the best out of this day and do whatever she wanted… and she knew what she wanted to do.

She went over to the bedroom and started looking for something in one of her drawers. She looked in the exact spot she knew it would be and once she found it, she sat back on the bed and held the black notebook in her hands.

She slowly ran her hands over the cover and felt the lily that was embossed there. Lilies were her favorite flowers, and to have a diary that had them on every page was simply wonderful. Feeling the excitement run through her veins was so magical that she smiled. She was finally gonna write again!

She rested the diary on her lap for a moment and not controlling her enthusiasm; she slowly and quietly clapped her hands and said to herself: _"Yay…!"_

It was silly to be this happy about getting the chance to finally put her thoughts onto paper, but she was a book nerd, a writing nerd, and having the time to write and to really focus, without distractions, on the depths of her personality, was a dream come true.

She'd written something over the day, but it had been really weird to try and write something while cooking or trying to think of ideas while running the vacuum when you can hardly hear your thoughts. She'd been so desperate to write that that day, she hadn't been able to wait. She'd tried to do a lot of things at the same time, but she'd failed because writing required her undivided attention, so with a lot of pain in her heart, she'd decided to stop until everything was ready and she was completely free. That time was here already. She had all afternoon to write now.

She quickly ran her hands through her hair and pulled it up in a ponytail, then she grabbed a pen and the precious diary and headed out.

She rarely wrote in her apartment, unless she was desperate, like today… but she always looked for places that were quiet but not so quiet that the silence would upset you, places she could be surrounded by nature in, and now that she was free, this was the perfect afternoon to do that. The air was cool, the sun wasn't too strong and if she was lucky, her spot in the park was free and she could sit down under her favorite tree and start writing. Yes, the excitement was all over the place… she was finally gonna get some peace and be alone with her own mind!

When she finally got to the park, just like she'd wanted, her favorite place was free… She practically ran to the tree and was very pleased with the shadow it provided, as if it was some sort of shelter made especially for her. She looked up at the leaves and she could see them dancing around with the wind, and in between the spaces, she could see the blue sky above her. Maybe it'd been the fact that she hadn't been out to appreciate this kinda silly things in a while, or maybe it was the sudden happiness of being alone to think and write, or maybe it was both, but she felt like this was a perfect day… a perfect day to find herself… a perfect day to try and regain through her writing the person she once was.

She breathed in the air of freedom, she smiled while she shrugged her shoulders a little and sat down on the really thin grass and began thinking.

She sat there with the breeze gently moving the loose bangs of hair that danced around her forehead because they were too short to stay in the ponytail, while she looked at the half written page… and, as always, the place started whispering to her ear all the right things to continue where she'd left off:

_"…The seasons, the growth of a plant, the weather, the Earth spinning every single second… everything around us tells us that nothing ever stays the same, nothing in this life stands still… at least not forever._

_This lesson can be one of two things: our biggest blessing or our biggest curse; and in extreme cases, both at the same time._

_Change turns into a blessing when you're one of those people who find safety in running around from one place to the next. If things are too crappy somewhere, you flip the page and change it by moving on to the next thing, not caring about what you're leaving behind because you never really knew it… _

_"Change comes and goes," we tell ourselves, "that's the way things are," and for most of us, that's the only lifestyle we know…_

_Change is our biggest blessing because we're not too long in one place to feel pain or hurt…Change is who we are._

_But what happens when you discover the other side of that life? What happens when you find that there's more than just moving incessantly? What happens when you stumble upon something or someone who's able to show you the comfort of standing still?_

_We fall into this wonderful state of bliss where there's no more running around but surprisingly, everything's the way it's supposed to. Even though you thought that running away was always the solution, you discover that stopping is not such a bad thing either. You can live in a bubble where magic is not a trick, but reality. You can live in a world where your imperfections are the details that make you perfect… _

_It's so amazing you start to wonder how it was you never allowed yourself to get attached, to savor things without wanting to move along. _

_But then change comes again… and suddenly you remember that nothing can be perfect forever. _

_Everything falls apart in front of your eyes, and there's nothing more left than crumbled bittersweet memories… the only remains that stay there when the tides of change go down again._

_That's when change becomes your biggest curse._

_You know now two lifestyle choices and you don't know which one to pick. You can't stand still because you really feel like running away from the pain you're living, but you don't wanna run away 'cause now you know where safety really lies. _

_So you're just stuck in the middle, not really knowing who you are or where you're going, drifting and waiting until change comes around again… hoping that this time… it'll bring something good…"_

That was exactly what she'd been feeling over all this time. She'd felt that she'd been drifting… like she was dead in the world of the living, because she didn't know where else to go. She'd always been the kinda girl who has to be in constant movement; partially because that was who she was… but mainly because she'd been searching for love while running away from it. It sounded contradictory but now it made sense. She'd always reached out for relationships that were doomed to fail like with Dean Hess and Henri-Michel; both older guys that she knew since the beginning were never going to be her true love, just because she'd wanted to feel something, a connection with someone.

A connection she'd only felt with Ryan.

She knew Ryan was that someone who had showed her how wonderful life could be. In the beginning, they'd both had their issues, but once they'd gotten their acts together, he'd showed her that this was the only relationship that wasn't doomed. She was convinced he was her true love.

But well, change came along, and they'd gone their separate ways…

She'd had something to do with that… because she could've changed their ending… but, at the time it seemed like the best thing to do. And now, even when it was haunting her and she was stuck with the desire of taking it all back… she couldn't do it. He was happy with Lindsay and she'd decided to stay away.

Only she couldn't do that. She'd had to leave a note under his door on his mom's death anniversary. She'd known he was gonna feel alone, and she'd wanted to be there for him… because as much as she knew things weren't going to be like before with them in a million years, she couldn't help but love him with all her heart.

Maybe it was that love that caused the eternal heartache she was suffering… maybe that heartache was to blame for her being so lost and nothing like herself… but she loved him. She'd felt honored and she'd hurt a little less when he'd called her two nights ago.

It's always so ironic to see that the same pain that makes you lose yourself is partially the one that makes you hurt a little less.

Ryan was that way for her; the reason for her pain and the reason for her love. She couldn't stop loving him… and she couldn't avoid wanting to be in his life…

She knew that the phone call wasn't a guarantee of anything… that was why she was still waiting… waiting for change to come along again.

She was totally adrift, at the mercy of fate… but she also knew that when you've reached rock bottom and you've lost yourself completely, there's nowhere left to go but up… nothing left to do but recreate yourself.

_"Hey…!"_ a familiar voice said. In fact, so familiar that she immediately closed the diary and jumped a little before she raised her head. _"Hope… I'm not interrupting you…" _

_"Oh, God, Ryan…,"_ she said with a nervous smile on her face while she looked up at him. He'd come out of nowhere, just when she'd been thinking about him. _"You scared me."_

_"I'm sorry…,"_ he said giving her a vague smile… a nostalgic smile.

_"It's ok… don't worry about it,"_ she said slightly confused by his presence there, but giving him a reassuring smile.

_"I went over to your apartment, but you weren't there so I came here,"_ he said a little nervous.

_"Obviously…,"_ she said under her breath while trying to smile as much as her nervousness was allowing her.

_"Yeah…,"_ he said feeling completely awkward and it was showing. _"Can I sit with you?"_

Taylor's eyes widened and she opened her mouth a little. She was really amazed that he was there, especially since she'd been thinking about the way things change, and about him… and the moment later, he'd decided to pop out of nowhere. What the hell was he doing here? But against her judgment she just found herself nodding and he took a sit next to her.

_"So… I wanted to thank you…,"_ he said looking at his hands and then at his side where she was. _"…For the note…"_

_"It's ok…,"_ she said waving her hand a little making it seem like it hadn't been a big deal, but for her, it'd been a little hard, because as much as she wanted to be in his life, she wasn't sure he wanted her.

_"It was a big deal to me…,"_ he said while he turned his head to the side to look at her. _"You know… to have you there after everything…"_

_"You were just going through a tough time,"_ she said turning her head to look at him for moments, but not really daring to look too much. _"I just did what you would've done…"_

_"That's the thing Taylor…,"_ he said, not even trying to look at her this time. _"I'm not sure I would've done the same thing…"_

She looked at him for a moment and smiled to herself. Sometimes it surprised her how much she knew him. Of course he had his doubts, it was reasonable after their history… but he was such a remarkable guy that he would've helped her if the situation had been the other way around; not because it was about her, not because he necessarily cared for her, but because it was who he was. That was the essence of his being, helping people out of jams even when his mind told him not to do so. That was one of the things that made him so unique and seeing how he couldn't see it, made it even more special.

_"You would've…,"_ she said smiling while searching for his eyes which still didn't dare to look at her. _"Maybe it would've taken you some time… but you would've done the same thing…"_

_"You think so?"_ he said while raising his head and searching for certainty in her eyes… as if it was killing him not knowing.

_"I know so,"_ she said while she kept looking at him, in that momentary vulnerability… _"So there's really nothing to be thankful about."_

She began staring at the diary in her lap for a while, and it actually surprised her to see that he wasn't standing up. He was such a gentleman that she understood why he wanted to thank her, even if she thought there was no need, but… what else did he want to say?

_"You know?"_ he said while he looked at his hands for a moment, and then turned a little to look at her. _"Summer said something a while ago that got me thinking…"_

_"What did she say?"_ Taylor asked slightly confused. Summer hadn't told her anything about talking to Ryan in a while… so this immediately set the alarm off in her head…

_"She said that…"_ He paused to take some air, trying to compose himself, because the thought was still powerful. _"…That you were my best friend… and that I was yours."_

Taylor smiled nervously while she exhaled, not really knowing were to focus her eyes. She said, first not looking at him, but then gaining the strength to do so: _"You were…"_

Apparently he noticed that her eyes got sad when she said that; almost as if she was sorry that both their sentences had been in past tense… and to be honest, he was sad too… because, as much as he loved her as a friend, there were still some loose ends in there, so he immediately tried to explain what he wanted.

_"Look Taylor,"_ he said looking at the grass for a moment. _"You were my best friend… and I guess that we can't just jump back to that all of the sudden…"_

_"I know…,"_ she said trying to look at him, but failing miserably, _"I just wanted you to know that in case you needed someone, I was here. I wasn't expecting something Ryan… not after…"_

_"But I do miss having you in my life…,"_ he said not letting her finish the sentence.

She raised her head and looked at him in surprise. This was totally unexpected! Yeah, the silent phone call had been amazing, but she'd thought it had been a moment of weakness… not that he'd missed her! Her face pretty much gave the definition of perplexity at that moment and her eyes were sparkling as if they'd never seen light before. And for a moment there, he thought she looked so cute…

_"I know we have a complicated history…," _he said, _"but… I was hoping we could try and start over… as friends."_

She kept looking at him and trying to figure out if she had imagined hearing what she'd just heard, because it just felt like pulled out of a dream. Her gaze never strayed from his eyes, and for a moment there she felt time stop. The breeze just moved the leaves and his eyes started sparkling this amazing shade of blue she'd never ever seen before. It was as if she'd given the ability to look deep into him, search around in there and see if this was what he really wanted. She saw some confusion in there, as if he'd been battling with himself to go there, but she also saw he wanted to be there. The answer she found was a "yes".

She understood that things were not going to be the same, and even if they could've jumped back to being like they'd been before, they would've had to face the fact that the old days were never gonna come back. But he wanted her in his life… and to be honest… she did too… She wanted to start over; she needed to start over, not only with Ryan, but with her life as well. She'd been lost for so long, that maybe she could never go back to the way she'd been. She had to start over, reinvent herself… and he was giving her the perfect opportunity to try.

_"That is… if you want to,"_ Ryan said moving his head a little to see if he could gain her attention since, she'd been zoned out for a while now.

_"Ok…,"_ she said with half a smile… she really didn't know what else to say. _"We could try…"_

_"Ok then…,"_ he said smiling too and kinda feeling awkward all of the sudden.

They fell into this silence that felt like an eternity, so… indescribable. To Taylor, it was one of those moments that made her want to get back on her feet again… to either find her old self, or to lose that person completely. In either case, she wanted to stop drifting and have a purpose again. And maybe, without knowing, Ryan was giving her that chance… even if things could never be the same.

He started looking in all the directions, a sign she recognized because he always did it when he was trying to look for a conversation. He was trying so hard to start to say something, since they'd agreed to try… but she didn't want to push him, especially since she still thought deep inside her that things were this way because of her decision… so she said motioning the diary she had on her lap: _"Is it ok if I just… start writing again?"_

_"So I did kinda interrupt you…,"_ he said now blushing a little. He still knew she cherished her writing-time, especially since he'd gone looking for her under her favorite tree in the park… the place she always used to either one of two things: run away from everything… or write something.

_"A little yeah…,"_ she said smiling while reducing the space between her index finger and thumb to an inch.

_"I'm sorry… sure, write away,"_ he said motioning the book in her hands, but amazingly, still sitting there.

_"You know… you don't need to stay in here while I write if you're feeling uncomfortable…,"_ she said in a low voice, trying to give him a way out in case he was suddenly feeling the weight of his previous words catch up….

_"I'd rather stay and watch you write if you don't mind,"_ he said in a low voice too… almost vulnerable. A tone she couldn't help but to feel surprised of hearing. When he used that tone she couldn't ever deny him anything, so she just nodded in reply… and by giving him one last look with the corner of her eye… she grabbed the pen and looked at the page she'd written before.

They sat there in the grass, feeling the breeze and occasionally giving each other some quick glances when the other wasn't looking, for maybe another hour or so. It was as if time hadn't passed at all, as if they'd never had a fight; or as if time had just stopped and they were in this moment were there was nothing but the two of them, just like the silent phone call. Maybe neither of them would understand exactly what made it so easy to be that way, trying to ignore their past, but they could only relate to what it had been when they'd been sitting watching a movie on a crappy day, or when they'd been too tired or depressed to talk… to being just friends.

They both had gained a little of their lives back…

They had a lot of baggage to deal with in the future, it was as inevitable as letting water slip right through your hands, but they both knew this was the beginning of a new stage. She didn't have to wait for change to come along again… because it was already here.

She was sure, so she wrote:

_"You wait… and in the moment and the way you least expect it… change comes around again. Only this time, you're able to look at it in the eyes, study it and feel the turning point. Everything stands still, and you remember the warm feeling your heart gained when you dared to stay. _

_Even when you're aware now that things are gonna change. because they always do, for a second… for that second you look at the change right in the eyes… you welcome it as it comes; without expecting it to last forever because you know now that that's impossible… nothing ever stays the same..._

_Once again you dare to stay… for the sake of that warm feeling. Hoping that this new beginning gives you enough strength to face what's to come… because you know it'll be tough. But at the same time it gives you hope… because while it lasted… remaining in one place was the best thing that ever happened to you._

_So, there while the clock remains without moving, you hold on tight to that… because it's more than enough…  
But deep inside you, you beg that this moment lasts for eternity…_

_You hope things never change again."_


	8. When The Heartache Becomes Too Much

**Author's Note: **_Hey guys! I'm soooo sorry for taking so long to update but, life and senior year have gotten in the way lately. Hope you enjoy this chapter. And please review. I think I'd be uploading a one-shot soon so you can be on the look out for that one too. I really really hope you guys enjoy this, so if you read it... please review._

_All the mistakes are mine :)_

_Sharon_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 8**

**When The Heartache Becomes Too Much**

Ryan had been sitting hanging out with everyone for about an hour and a half. Everything had been going great at the birthday party Lindsay had thrown for him. Even though there wasn't a whole lot of people in the apartment other than the Cohen's, the Cooper-Atwood's, Seth, Summer, and Lindsay, you could feel the loving environment all over the place. And yet, he found himself in the balcony, staring at the night, brooding as if he was miserable and completely lonely.

Everyone was talking and joking inside, the kids were playing in their own little world and for a moment, he'd thought he'd needed to be alone, 'cause as much as the scene seemed to be "picture perfect", something for him wasn't working.

Maybe just for once on his life, he was creating drama where there shouldn't be any. I mean, everything was going good in his life, and sometimes he could dare himself into thinking that it was perfect…

He had a wonderful job he loved… even though he was only starting and everything, his bosses normally told him that he had potential and he knew that somehow, new doors and opportunities were going to fill his horizon in the future. He had an amazing family… and he had the perfect girlfriend… that's right… Lindsay Gardner.

Lindsay was nothing less than that… she was, in the whole context of the word, perfect. She was mind blowing gorgeous; she was smart, understanding and sometimes even funny… she'd been patient with him during all this time when he couldn't just open up and still… She was always thoughtful when it came to him.

I mean, look at the lengths she'd gone to organize that party! She'd practically decorated his entire apartment all by herself; she'd called every single person she'd thought he'd want there… except for someone… but, that wasn't her fault either way… he just hadn't thought it would be good to tell her about 'that' other person yet.

Still he'd invited 'her' himself the day before and she wasn't there… that was what wasn't working…he just couldn't understand why.

Taylor and Ryan had been hanging out as friends for a week now. At first, their time together had been filled with silences and just polite words. He'd known ever since he'd read the note she'd left on his door that he'd needed her presence back in his life, but now that he'd had her back in it, he hadn't been sure of how to act around her. He wasn't a talkative person, that was always her job on their relationship, but neither him nor her had seemed to have the courage to talk at all!

Unbelievable yes, but Taylor hadn't been talking. During those silences they'd spent at the beginning of the week, he'd noticed that she'd seemed vulnerable and shy. She'd rarely rambled and she'd limited herself to answer exactly what he'd asked. No matter how hard he'd tried to make her go on and on like before, she'd just talked like… a sane person! For moments he'd regretted trying to be friends again because it had just seemed so damn hard. For moments he'd believed this was a completely different Taylor… not at all the girl he'd known.

But he'd been mistaken. During the following days, he'd witness how she'd come out of her shell slowly. They'd started to talk again and her smiles had seemed to be recovering the glistening thing they'd always possessed. She'd started to ramble a little, and even though she'd still seemed vulnerable, he'd occasionally get glimpses of the crazy lunatic Taylor from old, especially when she was laughing.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Ryan had made Taylor's giggles his favorite sound in the world, and secretly, he wanted to hear her laugh on his birthday party.

He started searching for a reason around on his head; something that would tell him if he'd done something wrong for Taylor not to be there, but he couldn't find it.

Why wasn't she there? According to what he believed, everything had started going great between them, maybe too great for his heart actually, because the only thought of her made it pump blood erratically.

It was strange and at the same time interesting to experience how intoxicating and overpowering she was whenever he was around her. About that, she was the same Taylor after all. It almost surprised him to see how fast she'd gain his affection, and even at her seemingly vulnerable and broken state, she seemed to hypnotize him by doing nothing at all.

He knew it came natural for her to cloud his mind and wrap him in a haze, but he also knew there where a lot of things he had to figure out before he could let her have that effect on him. There where a lot of questions about the abortion that had broke them apart that needed answers and he couldn't allow himself to feel anything for her until he received them; which made him glad that he was slowly having a friendship again with her, because he hoped that someday in the future, he could ask those questions and bring that chapter to a close. He hoped that someday she'd give him an answer he could live with and maybe, just maybe, open a new possibility for them.

All those hopes that grew bigger everyday made him wanna ask her a lot of times during that week what had happened, but he hadn't touched the subject because he'd known it was too soon, and if her change was any indication, she'd probably just run away and leave him without the possibility of knowing what had gone through her head.

He'd refrained himself from asking anything about their break up on the hopes that her friendship grew closer… but by not going to his birthday party, she seemed to be pulling back. Why wasn't she there? Why was she pulling back? Again he started asking himself if he'd done something wrong and he definitely couldn't find anything!

His mind started rolling around… thinking and brooding because, let's face it, old habits die hard and soon… all thoughts of perfection were out the door… if she wasn't there… perfection wasn't there either…

He started looking at the sky and sighed when he felt a presence behind him and turned around to face Summer, who was leaning on the doors frame.

"_A penny for your thoughts?"_ she asked looking serious, a mixture between being mad and being concerned

"_Hi…"_ he said turning around again to keep looking at the sky. _"Seth sent you to check on me?"_

"_No…you know I don't take orders from Cohen"_ she said walking up to him and standing next to him _"I came because I wanted to…"_

They stood there for a while, Summer not asking anything because she had a pretty good idea of what he was thinking. She didn't want to push him anymore into talking about Taylor because she'd known she'd pushed too far the last time they'd talked. And even though eventually the talk had paid off, she'd been a little out of line. As much as she hated it, if Taylor wasn't talking about the break up, she must've had her reasons to do so… and she'd come to terms with that… sorta… up until today, before the balls were thrown into the air again.

The silence was getting a little uncomfortable for her, because she wanted to say something… she wanted to ask because her curiosity and possible madness was taking over, but right then, all by himself, Ryan started talking:

"_Did you see Taylor today?"_ he said turning his face a little to look at her.

"_Yeah…"_ she said sighing, knowing that the next questions he was gonna ask were going to be a little difficult to answer, especially 'cause she wanted to ask questions herself _"We went to the mall for a while and then we went to my house…"_

"_Was she ok?"_ he asked, trying to figure out if Taylor had been feeling down or if she'd had a bad day… trying to make sense of why she wasn't there when she'd told him the day before she'd be there.

"_What do you mean by ok?"_ Summer said, trying to evade the subject… if they kept talking about it, she wasn't gonna take it.

"_It's just that…"_ Ryan said turning to the side to look straight to Summer's face _"I've been trying to figure out…"_

"_Why she isn't here?"_ Summer finished the question and turned to her side too. As much as she wanted to evade the subject, she couldn't do it. The restless girl inside her wanted to know as much as possible. _"Things were going good with you guys this week?"_

"_You could say so… yeah"_ Ryan said nodding and looking at the floor_ "but she's not here right now… and I'm trying to think of a reason for her not to be here. Was she upset or something? Was she ok?"_

Summer looked down for a moment and sighed. Yes, this was one tough question to answer… Immediately she remembered what had happened between them earlier that afternoon

_--------------------------------------------_

_The front door of the house had been closed and both girls had remained in silence, not knowing what to say, hidden on the kitchen. Summer had turned around to see Taylor and the poor girl had had a really glassy look on her eyes; a look that'd scared the hell out of Summer._

_Taylor hadn't showed that lost look in a while… and especially she hadn't showed it during that week of friendship with Ryan… but if hanging out with him had been giving her a new beginning, maybe all the w__ork had gone down the drain right then and there._

_Summer hadn't known at all what to do or say… and she'd just opted for the most obvious and clichéd thing in the world._

"_Sweetie, are you ok?" she'd said while she'd grabbed her shoulder ever so slightly, as if trying to make her react, to make her say something._

_Taylor had remained in silence for what'd felt like __a lifetime to Summer. She'd begun to be more than scared. She'd desperately wanted to hear Taylor say anything at all… And when she'd finally had, again Summer hadn't known what to say._

"_Did you know about that?"_ _Taylor had asked still looking at the floor, but with an obviously tight knot on her throat._

"_About what?" Summer had asked puzzled. Taylor had seemed to want a specific answer and Summer had been too confused to think of anything just yet. _

"_About the anniversary…?" Taylor had said with her voice almost breaking… _

_Then, like a ton of bricks, Summer had realized what this had been about. She'd finally realized why Taylor had been like that__. It'd surprised Summer how long it'd taken her to put two and two together when she'd usually been a really perceptive person. It hadn't been about the visit they'd just gotten… it'd been about the date of that anniversary…_

"_NO!" Summer had said trying to take a look at Taylor's face that had been facing the floor still "Taylor, I swear I didn't know that… I'm as shocked as you are"_

"_I don't think so…"_ _Taylor had said under her breath and closing her eyes trying not to cry about it._

"_I don't even know why I said that…" Summer had said realizing that there hadn't been a way for her to be more heartbroken than Taylor "I swear none of us knew… right Seth?" she'd finished saying to Seth, who had made an appearance in the kitchen to join the girls._

_Taylor raised her head to look at Seth, trying to find some reassurance but Seth had bowed his head and had started looking at the floor. His silence had spoken louder than him._

"_You knew?" Summer had said startled while she'd seen the glimpse of tears rolling through Taylor's cheeks "Oh My God, Cohen!"_

"_I'm sorry…" he'd just mumbled reaching out for Taylor "He told me…"_

"_And you never told me…" Taylor had said almost as a whisper. Too hurt to pick up a fight… especially about this issue._

"_I can't believe you didn't tell me Seth…" Summer had said in an 'I'll go Kid Chino on your ass later' tone… _

"_Summer… its ok…" Taylor had said cleaning her cheeks and removing the forming tears from her eyelids, trying to seem ok "leave it alone…"_

"_I'm so sorry Taylor…"Seth said in a last effort to make things right… genuinely touched by how hurt Taylor had seemed to be…_

"_Really guys…" she'd said trying to seem like the tough independent girl from old "I'll be ok… don't sweat it… I just need to go home now… see you around"_

_And with that… without giving either of them time to stop her… she'd stormed out of there… and no one had seen her since._

_----------------------------------------------------------------- _

Summer kept looking at the floor for what felt like years. How was she supposed to answer that question? Taylor probably didn't want her to say anything to Ryan, even though she was dying inside to yell at him and ask him this bunch of questions… but those weren't questions for her to ask… just like the damn break up.

She was dying to know how she was. She'd tried reaching her cell, her home number… she'd even sent her an email to see if she'd answered her on the following hours but she hadn't known anything. Truth was, she didn't know how she was either… so, she just answered the truth…

"_Honestly… I don't know"_ she said with a sigh while looking at him.

"_Ok… that's… unsettling"_ he said wrinkling his brow and really confused. How was it that Summer didn't know how she was and she'd been with her that afternoon? _"Should I be worried?"_

"_Look…"_ Summer said trying to look for an easy way out, because if she stayed there for too long, she was gonna start asking questions and demanding answers about that break up and their recent discovery… _"She wanted to come tonight… give it some time"_

"_She's never late Summer…"_ Ryan asked now really concerned.

"_There's always a first time for everything…"_ Summer said slightly rubbing his back while pointing down at the street where Taylor's car was parked.

How much time the car had been there without him noticing it? He wasn't sure… but she was there… that was the important thing. You would think he would be anxious and would be running towards her in a flash, but he actually stayed there for a moment, trying to compose himself. Compose himself from what? He'd rather not know… he didn't wanna reason it, at least not now.

He stared at the car and the slightest trace of a smile formed on his lips… she was there… she wasn't pulling back. Maybe with time he was gonna get his answers and the hopes for other beginnings… maybe he was gonna be able to allow himself to feel what his soul was eager to feel.

Then he gathered up the courage… and walked down the stairs.

_-------------------------------------------------------- _

Taylor had been sitting in her car for almost ten minutes. She kept looking at the large building in front of her and more specifically, to the door of the building. Somewhere inside that building was the apartment of the guy she loved to the point of actual tears, and back in the day, she remembered that to her, the door of that building had been the door of eternity, but eternity became too short.

Her amazing and sometimes, annoying imagination started to create what was probably going on in there, in his apartment. There was probably some music, laughter… happiness; and judging by the slow and torturous beat of her heart, she simply didn't belong there.

Staring at the door was heartbreaking… and eventually, as a survival instinct, her own eyes closed, as if her body was begging her to stop the torture and just look someplace else.

So she leaned her head and turned it to the side with the hopes that for a moment she could get rid of this feeling that was eating her alive. But when she opened her eyes, they landed on the most hurtful thing of all… and the hope was gone.

The knot that had been forming on her throat for the last couple of minutes got a lot tighter when she saw the box; the box she'd carefully wrapped herself with a silver shiny paper with the bow she'd placed on top just so it would look a little classy.

To see that, sitting there on the passenger seat was noticeably harder than staring at the door, but this time the survival instinct wasn't there to make her look away. Instead, her body responded the need of her soul to stop torturing herself by drowning her eyelids with sour tears, threatening to fall at any second.

As her vision got more and more blurred because of the forming tears, she started thinking how the hell had she been so dumb and naïve to think that the heartache was gone, that there was hope for a new beginning in her life, that everything was gonna be alright.

Yes, hanging out with Ryan had been wonderful for her during that week. He'd been totally amazing with her. She knew that he was probably making an effort of not asking the obvious questions she was dreading, but only the way he looked at her always leaved her breathless. She loved him more than anything; it was still that way… and even though loving him had brought her nothing but pain and had made her lost herself during the last months, she couldn't stop doing it.

Ironically as always, loving him now that he was back in his life, had made her open her shell a little, because deep inside she hoped things could be alright and that with his help, she could go back to being herself. During that week she'd felt he'd guided her through the process and it had been a marvel to witness the little changes on herself…

And today, his birthday, she wanted to thank him with that box she was staring at. But she never imagined she was gonna find out that all her heartbreaks and all her previous decisions hadn't been without a reason.

She took her eyes off the gift and cleaned them up. She had to get this over with… that was why she'd gone there right? She was only gonna deliver the present and was gonna go away from his life because the heartbreak was just too much.

She got out of the car and reached out for the box with an indescribable heartache as her fingers brushed the bow she'd made. Once again, she closed her eyes and fought back the tears, this time not giving them time to form and trying for her will power to overcome her pain. She was determined to move on… she couldn't keep being like this… this train wreck… she was gonna deliver the gift and she was gonna say goodbye to any possibility, as slim as it could be, of being with Ryan again. It was a done deal… it was decided this was goodby-

"_Hey…"_ Ryan said smiling, walking up to the red Pathfinder that was parked at the side of the street and with his hands on the pockets of his jacket.

She immediately turned up her head and her hazel eyes collided with his blue ones like they'd had on many, many other occasions. She got lost on that perfect shade of blue… deep as the ocean and bright as the stars, and 'goodbye' was out the door. Goodbye? Yeah right, that was what her mind was telling her she should do and for some reason her masochist heart never listened. How could she stop loving him, when he was smiling at her like that? How could she stop loving those eyes that always made her fall in love every time she saw them? Reality was that she'd tried. She'd tried putting him behind since their break up and she'd failed miserably… She needed him… even if his memory and what they had and the thought of him with Lindsay brought her nothing but pain and disappointment that was what true love was… the only thing she really believed in.

He'd made her feel something indescribable, it was happiness mixed with sadness and it was every single feeling combined. It was a bittersweet thing what she was feeling… so beautiful, hurtful and so nostalgic, and he'd only walked up to her and had said a single word…

"_Hi…"_ she said giving him a vague smile while staring at him standing on the other side of the car.

"_I was starting to get worried about you…"_ he said smiling lovingly at her, while walking to where she was.

Seeing him smile like that, without him having any idea of what was going through her mind made her remember how it had been the month after Lindsay… Damn it! Where was the will power? She couldn't stop her eyes from forming tears and she was trying her best to hide it by blinking quickly and looking at the floor… but he noticed it, and looking for her eyes he said: _"Taylor, are you ok?"_

"_Yeah…"_ she said flashing him a smile and trying to clear the knot on her throat.

"_You don't look too ok to me…"_ he said wrinkling his brow slightly while staring deep into her eyes _"you sure you're ok?"_

The second time on less than two minutes that he'd asked the same question and she felt like she wanted to either scream her throat off or cry her eyes out. During the course of that day, she'd heard that question four times… and only on one of them, she'd been able to answer sincerely she was at her best…

----------------------------------------------

"_My feet are killing me"_ _Summer had yelled as she'd entered the house and crashed herself on the couch…_

"_Really? I wouldn't have noticed!"_ _Taylor had said while she'd entered the house with a single bag on her hands._

_They hadn't been out for 5 minutes and Summer had already started complaining about her feet. But, when they'd been sitting down, Summer had wanted to walk around, and as soon as they'd walk a little further, she'd wanted to sit down again. And let's not mention the 'I need to pee' phrases during their whole time at the mall._

_Ever__ything had been annoying Summer. Everything, from the air conditioning of the mall to Taylor's car, had been criticized on her bitchy mood swings. It'd been like going shopping with a five year old with some serious rage issues. Taylor could've sworn living with Seth had started affecting Summer's personality because she'd never heard her complain as much. But, being almost eight months pregnant was bound to cause some changes on her personality. And after all, that was Cohen's child in there! _

"_You know? Sarcasm doesn't suit you" she'd said flashing a smile from the couch while raising her hand and moving it for Taylor to sit with her. _

"_I know… but who cares?"_ _Taylor had said while she'd sat next to Summer "it's my prerogative after spending the day with Bitchy Miss Vixen"_

"_Hey!" Summer had said while she'd looked at her pretending to be hurt. "It wasn't that bad was it?" she'd said while she'd leaned her head on Taylor's shoulder, while Taylor had started running her fingers through her hair._

"_I__ survived, didn't I?"_ _Taylor had said again in a sarcastic tone… and they'd both fallen into this silence for no particular reason. Until Summer had asked the famous question: "So, are you ok?"_

_The question had taken Taylor by surprise… and she moved a little while she'd said: "Why are you asking?"_

"_You're being sarcastic… you're laughing out loud, you're even rambling a little…" Summer had said moving her head from Taylor's shoulder to look at her friend. "Do you feel like you're ok now?"_

"_Yes… yes I do__" Taylor had said nodding with a half smile on her face. "This week's been kinda bringing me back…"_

"_No…" Summer said smiling "Ryan's been bringing you back"_

"_Summer…" Taylor had said rolling her eyes but still smiling and, truthfully, blushing a little._

"_I'm right!" Summer had said pointing an 'accusing' finger at her and smiling at her "I'm totally right!"_

"_Ok, ok… he's played an important part in it, I guess…" Taylor had finally said smiling to herself and playing with her fingers "this week's been awesome between us… we're starting fresh, with no complications so far"_

"_Ok…" Summer had said with a concerned look on her eyes "So what are you getting him for his birthday now that there aren't any complications?"_

"_Don't worry, it's not lingerie…" Taylor had said rolling her eyes pretending to be hurt by the suggestion…_

"_Just checking…" Summer had said turning her concerned face into an amused one._

"_We're just friends now… and I'm getting him a friendly gift, that's all" Taylor had said__ serious and moving her head as if she was confident of what she was saying._

"_So, as his friend, you're going to his birthday party…" Summer hinted to try and get a reaction from her "the party Lindsay's throwing?"_

"_I already told him I'm going" Taylor had said calmly, letting Summer know that she hadn't been threatened by the thought of Lindsay and her in the same place. That was how confident hanging out with Ryan was making her "There's no reason why I shouldn't… we're friends"_

"_Ok then" Summer had said smiling really proud of how much Taylor had recovered in just a week. She'd been lost for so long that she'd deserved gaining a little of herself back. _

_They'd sat there talking about other things when they'd heard a knock on the door. They both had been too exhausted to open it, so Seth, who'd been in his office all this time, had had to open it, that act being the game changer of the day…_

"_Hi…" the person on the other side of the door had said… and both of the girls sitting in the living room looked at each other totally surprised and at the verge of freaking out._

"_Lindsay!" Seth had yelled for both of the girls to confirm that it was indeed Lindsay who'd been outside the house. He'd known perfectly that Summer couldn't stand her and he'd assumed that Taylor hadn't been too eager to see her before the party, so without Lindsay noticing it, he'd started waving one of his hands around his back for the girls to go hide somewhere, because Lindsay, most likely, would want to come in…_

"_I'm sorry to come by like this…" Lindsay had said giving him a nervous smile… "But, you're the only person I could think of. Can I come in?"_

_By this time, Summer and Taylor had pretty much gotten Seth's message and had gone into the kitchen with the hopes of catching the conversation between them, without Lindsay noticing it._

_Taylor had been curious at first to know what she'd been doing there and why had Lindsay needed Seth's help… but at the same time she hadn't been sure if she'd wanted to know because… deep down inside, something had been telling her that the day had been about to change._

"_Ummm… sure, come on in" Seth'd said opening the door once he'd realized that the girls were gone. "What brings you by?"_

"_Well…" Lindsay had said sitting on the couch "As you know, it's Ryan's birthday today"_

"_Umm yeah… I've known the guy for like ten years…" Seth had said feeling a little awkward._

"_Which is exactly what brings me by" Lindsay had said forcing a smile and playing with her fingers. "It's his birthday today and I haven't figured out what to give him… and you know him…"_

"_Oh wow…" Seth had said shocked now "So you want me to give you gift advices?… you should really ask Ta-_

"_I know today's his birthday and I should've figured it out like last week, but I wanted to give him the perfect present" Lindsay'd interrupted in just one breath, not really paying attention to what Seth had been saying, while him, Summer and Taylor, felt relived she hadn't noticed what he'd almost said in the really Cohen-stupid way._

"_O… k…" Seth'd said confused and wishing he could get out of this situation quickly "Aren't you throwing him a birthday party already?"_

"_Yeah but" Lindsay'd said smiling "I wanted to give him the perfect present because… on Tuesday it's our seven months anniversary…"_

"_Oh…" Seth had said not really knowing what else to say, but definitely knowing that he'd had to stop that conversation soon, since Taylor had been in the next room listening. He'd been trying to figure what to say, but she'd just kept speaking… _

"_Yeah… Exactly seven months ago we became an item. It seems like yesterday he came looking for me at the apartment, he kissed me and we had-_

"_Ok!" Seth had said standing up and raising his hands, knowing that Taylor must've been shattered by now. "Too much information there…"_

_Lindsay'd kept talking longer than that but that had been as far as Taylor had listened. To her, time, hope and beginnings had stopped and ended right there. _

_----------------------------------------------------_

How could she answer she was ok? She was anything but ok! But she couldn't really keep lying, and it wasn't like he was gonna buy her lies anyway… He knew her. And on previous occasions it'd been amazing when he'd noticed something was wrong in her life, when he'd noticed she'd had a rough day and silly things like that… but right now, it was too damn much.

One thing was to be reminded that he had a girlfriend on his birthday party… but at least then, she would've been surrounded by other people she loved and care about; but then, hidden on Summer's kitchen? She'd thought she'd been ready to hear her or to face the reality that Lindsay was his girlfriend but… she'd learned there that nothing can ever prepare your heart to be broken for the millionth time…

But surprisingly, it hadn't been hearing her and her visit what had shattered her like Seth had suspected… it'd been the fact that she'd realized that that same Tuesday was gonna be the anniversary of their break up.

As far as she'd been concerned, they hadn't started dating until a month after that, but hearing from Lindsay's mouth that he'd gone to her apartment that same night they'd broken up because of the abortion was too much to bear.

And it hadn't been just that. After he'd crashed her front door and had said that bitter and still hurtful 'we're done', he'd gone straight to Lindsay's and had kissed her, and had probably done more than that. Damn it! That annoying imagination of hers was gonna kill her some day!

Ok, maybe she couldn't blame him. They'd broken up and he'd had every reason to be mad at her for what she'd done… but this discovery proved to her that it'd been true all the way… he'd been having feelings for Lindsay while they'd been together and who knew? Maybe he'd even been waiting for a break up to go straight to her arms like he'd done…

She'd lost him all over again… and with him, she'd lost that ounce of herself she'd been gaining back.

So yeah… things had changed again and had brought more heartache than before.

While looking at him expecting her answer, she wanted to ask him what she'd done wrong for him to prefer Lindsay over her, she wanted to ask him why he'd stopped loving her if she'd loved him up until the point where it physically hurt… she wanted to tell him she wasn't ok because she'd just found out that his love for her hadn't been forever… something she still wanted to believe true.

Somewhere inside her she'd never been willing to believe Ryan had stopped loving her, somewhere deep inside she'd held on to the idea that she'd forced him to hate her because of the abortion but she'd found out it hadn't been that way… the abortion had been the key for him to open the door and leave… he'd stopped loving her before that…

She looked down at the floor and forced back the tears by quickly biting her lip… and then she just mumbled, trying to sound convincing and normal: _"I just have a headache… don't worry about it"_

"_Oh… sorry"_ he said feeling a little confused because for the first time he couldn't decipher if she was telling a lie or the truth… _"So I guess you aren't coming in then…?" _He finished saying a little disappointed and, even on her hurtful state, she couldn't stand seeing him that way…

His happiness was her kryptonite… and once again for a second, she forgot about her own pain and she just saw him with those tender hazel eyes that'd so far only belonged to him… She tried to think of ways to cheer him up, but she was too bruised to do so… but then she looked at the driver's seat of the car, where she'd left the gift… and she just said trying to sound as perky as possible: _"So here's your present"_

"_Thanks…"_ he said a little heartbroken by the way she seemed, she looked so fragile, as if she was about to break and he couldn't understand why. _"What is it?" _he said reaching out for the box and smiling at her

She smiled at the way his eyes lit up when he handled the box and started rocking it on his ear to try and figure out what it was. He seemed so innocent and so… happy.

"_Open it…"_ she said after clearing her throat and smiling at him… feeling that tenderness and bitter sweetness he represented for her now…

He started unwrapping the gift alternating his eyes between looking at her and at the job at hand. There was something about the nostalgia her eyes revealed that made his heart beat faster. He didn't have any idea what was going with her in that moment but his heart was genuinely touched by the sight of her like that, expecting his reaction once he'd see the contents of the box while taking a strand of hair from her forehead. On other occasions, she'd been there for him without understanding what he'd been going through and in a way, she was still doing it at that very instant, because as much as it was obvious that something was up with her, she was still trying to act like everything was fine because it was his birthday.

But once he saw the contents of that box, his eyes couldn't stop staring at it, and momentarily he forgot about how sad she looked. For a moment there he forgot how to breathe and he became totally frozen…

"_It's a scrapbook…"_ she whispered and he didn't even look at her because he was still mesmerized with the box.

It was a scrapbook indeed. The outside was black with slight touches of blue and silver, just like the box where it was in. The colors were captivating him, and suddenly he smiled because his mind took him to the day where the entire Ryan/Taylor story had started, the day where she'd tried making small-talk with him by saying that his black T-shirt really brought out the color of his eyes, just so he would help her with the French lawyer. And there they were, black and blue on the scrapbook made especially for his birthday…

But it wasn't just that what was keeping his eyes glued to the gift… it'd been the title of the scrapbook, written with her own handwriting on a piece of paper glued to the cover: "Places who deserve to know you…"

He finally gathered the courage to take the scrapbook out of the box as his breathing pattern got ragged and short. He knew exactly what he was gonna find inside there but he couldn't believed she'd actually done a scrapbook about it.

Inside, there were pictures of architectural marvels of the world. But not random marvels… his favorite marvels. One day, a long time ago, he wasn't even sure of how the conversation had started between them, it'd been probably lying on bed staring at the ceiling or taking a cup of coffee or just walking holding hands, he'd started rambling, very unusually, about why he loved architecture so much.

She had that power on him, to make him talk about his dreams and hidden desires while she'd just listen, and that day he'd listed all the places in the world he'd like to see, such as The Taj Mahal, The Great Wall of China, The Roman Coliseum, The Acropolis of Athens and so many more that he didn't even remember himself… but she had… and they were all in there, on that scrapbook.

He looked at her in astonishment not knowing what to say and she smiled again, trying to put her heartbreak on hold and savor that happy look on his face while he said: _"Taylor, this is great… I can't believe you did this"_

"_Well I didn't do much…"_ she said while she walked a little closer to him trying not to remember her pain, although it was impossible since every step pretty much marked her soul _"If you look to each marvel, there's a blank spot for you to put your own picture when you visit them"_ she said while she pointed at the square on every page for him to mark which place he'd seen for himself. _"So, you're gonna have to travel a lot in the future…"_

"_A small price to pay…"_ he said looking at her smile that still seemed kinda lost… he wanted to hold her, to thank her… and for the first time in so long… he did.

She almost felt in shock when she felt his arms around her, the sensation almost too strong to register. Was she in his arms again? It was hard to tell if it was a product of her imagination or reality… she'd been imagining for so long how great it would feel to have her head on his shoulders like on the old days, that now actually getting the chance to do so seemed unbelievable.

She held on tight to him and she felt how her eyes started getting misty again because this day was just too much… It was too hard to be there wanting to make him happy at the expense of her own heart… at some point on the road he'd became her sweet poison because being there, his head on her shoulders and hands on her back, she'd never wanted to let go even knowing that it was killing her. It was killing her to know that he still had the power to hold her like that when he wasn't hers… He hadn't been hers in a really long time and she was gonna have to deal with it at some point… she just never thought the day would come so quickly.

She held him tighter ever so slightly as if wanting to capture the feeling and carved it on her mind before letting go… and when she did, her eyes were all watery and it was really nothing she could do now to pretend she was ok…

"_This headache is killing me…"_ she said trying to force a smile, pretending that the watery eyes had been because of the "headache".

"_Do you want me to drive you home?"_ he said reaching out for her arm, as if looking for another excuse to hug her.

She looked at him barely able to stand up, when she looked up to the balcony and caught a glimpse of Lindsay standing there…

"_No…"_ she said as if it was hard for her to breathe, while pointing at his balcony _"I think they're expecting you in there…so I'd better go now…"_

He looked up at the balcony and saw Lindsay go back to the apartment, but he just looked at Taylor again and got lost there in her eyes once more. It'd always been that way.

You would think he'd say something… anything! Something that could express how much he wanted to be there for her even if he had no idea what was happening… but he just kept staring at her eyes, almost expecting to hear something come out of his mouth, but he couldn't say anything…

After the silence that pretty much said it all, Taylor bowed her head not controlling tears any longer and got inside the car after mumbling _"Happy Birthday Ryan"_ and drove away from him…

Who'd thought she'd reach her limit…

The heartache was too damn much…

**Reviews are love people... ! So hit the button:)**


	9. Come Down To Me

**Author's Note:**_ Ok this is becoming rather frequent. I'm sooooo sorry for taking so long to update, seeing that a lot of you my dear subscribers are used to me updating frequently, but things have gotten complicated in this side of the Earth. But here it is... and I hope you like it. Ouh! I uploaded the story I promised you all in the last chapter. It's called **Show me what true love is** and it's written from the POV of Ryan and Taylor's daughter... so I would love if you could check that one out!__ I would like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH! to my beloved corruptor master **Lesley (Avecia)** for beta'in this! Honey I adore you! You know that! Thanks for helping me through this rough patch I've had lately. And I also wanna thank **J7chick18** for taking the time to read this story... it means a lot._

_So I'm ending this looong AN and leaving you off to read._

_Pretty please Review!_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 9**

**Come Down To Me…**

"_Taylor, come on!"_ Summer said while she entered Taylor's apartment _"We're gonna be late to the karaoke night!"_

Summer was a little surprised to enter the living room and meet nothingness. She checked her watch to see if she hadn't gone too early or too late to pick her up, but it was the exact time they both had agreed. Summer left the keys Taylor had given her months before in case she wanted to run away from Cohen on one of her hormonal mood swings on the counter along with her purse and started scanning the area. She heard the soft sound of the TV in the bedroom and immediately rolled her eyes. Taylor didn't have any intention of going out with them tonight.

She'd gone back to trying to alienate everyone since Ryan's birthday. At first, Summer had given her a little space, because for once, she understood why Taylor was upset, but she wasn't gonna let her fall back into the numb state she'd fallen before, she was gonna do everything in her power to help her, even when she was sure Taylor most likely wasn't too eager to receive her help.

Summer had seen this coming, that's why she'd decided to pick her up. She'd known that if she let Taylor go to the club herself, she was never going to leave the apartment. So she went to the bedroom and knocked the door saying _"Can I come in?"_ as she entered.

"_Sure…"_ Taylor said lying in her bed, not taking her eyes from the TV not even when she felt Summer lay there beside her.

"_Whatcha watching?"_ Summer said in a really low voice.

"_Just flipping through the channels…"_ Taylor said again not looking at Summer, just to the control remote and even then that was from time to time.

"_Interesting…"_ Summer said nodding her head sarcastically _"And how many channels do you have?"_

"_Five hundred… or something…"_ Taylor said again as if she was someplace else.

"_What channel are you on right now?"_ Summer asked looking at her side to get a glimpse of Taylor's face.

"_Thirty?"_ Taylor said wrinkling her brow and nose a little and Summer couldn't help but giggle while she said: _"And how's that working for you?"_

"_Boring…"_ Taylor said finally looking at her while giggling a little too.

Summer took that giggle as a sign and she finally removed the remote from her hands and said: _"Do you think this is the best way to spend your evening?"_

"_No…"_ Taylor said as if she was a four year old girl.

She knew perfectly well this wasn't the best way to spend the evening, or any evening for that matter. But this was just the easiest way. It wasn't that she didn't want to go to Kirsten and Sandy's karaoke/anniversary party, she wanted to go! They'd been her sort of parents since she'd gotten back from France many moons ago, and she loved them so much, but she was sure Ryan was gonna be there and she was even more certain he wasn't going to be alone.

Two weeks had passed since the last time they'd seen each other, the night of his birthday. They'd talked since then, but it'd been short phone conversations, mainly because she couldn't stand it. Ever since she'd discovered that he'd gone straight to Lindsay's after their break up, thinking about him only caused her heart to break even more than it already was.

She knew she loved him; her broken heart made sure she remembered that every single minute of the day, but she just couldn't stand the thought of seeing him with her.

She wanted to be in his life, but being in his life had only brought her pain and she'd had too much of that already. Even when drowning her sorrows in front of the TV wasn't very productive and she knew it, it still beat having to watch him being with someone else. She'd thought she could do it when she'd agreed to start over, but knowing he'd chosen Lindsay had proven to be something tougher than expected.

"_Look…"_ Summer said talking tenderly but with a firm tone _"This is the part where I say enough is enough."_

"_Ok…"_ Taylor said a little scared.

Summer took a big breath before holding Taylor's hands in hers, and said:

"_I know you're scared to see them… and I know you're mad and sad and… whatever…but you can't keep running away from them. Things could be totally awesome in that party, so what if Lindsay and Ryan happen to be there?"_

"_It's gonna hurt a lot if they're there…"_ Taylor said in a low voice.

"_I know… I'm not saying it won't__" _Summer said looking straight to her eyes. _"But it's not fair for you to keep hiding. It wasn't fair three months ago and it's not fair now. Kirsten and Sandy miss you, Sophie and Nathan miss you… I miss you… It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to all of us because we love you…"_

Taylor hadn't seen things from that point of view. She actually hadn't thought that running away from her pain was causing pain to others as well because they missed her. She hadn't even realized that Summer missed her, even though they saw each other every other day of the week. She'd finally realized how much running away was affecting her and Summer was right, it wasn't fair.

She missed everyone too. It'd been far too long since she'd baby sat the kids or had gone to the movies with Julie and Frank, or since she'd had dinner with Sandy and Kirsten, and they were all expecting her to be there at the karaoke party. It wasn't fair to leave them waiting.

But it was gonna hurt a lot, she knew it. It was inevitable. It was one of those things that are always a given. As much as she hated it, there wasn't love without pain and she couldn't stop loving him. On one hand she wanted to get rid of the pain she'd been feeling all this time, but on the other, her heart didn't want to; that pain was her only connection to him, even when she knew he couldn't be hers anymore.

She sighed to herself and finally saw that there wasn't any other exit. She couldn't keep hiding because it wasn't fair and she couldn't stop the pain from growing bigger; the only way out was getting used to it.

Maybe she could start doing that tonight. At least this way she was gonna be prepared for the pain, it wasn't gonna come by surprise like when Lindsay first appeared or like when she knew he'd chosen her, at least this was her way; her choice. And who knew? Maybe now that she was prepared it wasn't gonna hurt that much.

"_So why are Kirsten and Sandy throwing a karaoke__ anniversary party anyway?"_ Taylor had asked getting out of bed, leaving Summer there while she went to the bathroom to take a shower.

"_I don't know… Sandy was looking for an excuse to sing?"_ Summer had said looking at her nails but then she just raised her head in surprise and said _"wait… you're going?"_

"_Yes… I'm going"_ Taylor yelled from the bathroom where the shower had started to run.

Little did she know that Ryan was trying to decide between going and not going too. Just like her, it wasn't that he didn't wanna go. It was the exact opposite.

He wanted to go on the hopes of seeing her. They hadn't seen each other in two weeks and he wanted to know what was going on with her. Ever since his birthday she'd kinda pulled back from him and he didn't want her to do that. Of course, they'd kept on talking but he could sense something was off, something was bothering her and no matter how hard he'd try to make her talk about it she'd just evade the question or change the subject in her very own Taylor way. So he wanted to know, he wanted to be there for her… he wanted to see her.

But he didn't wanna go because he knew that seeing her was probably gonna charge his heart with all these emotions, and that wasn't a good thing considering his girlfriend had been eager to go to that party, and ultimately, hadn't taken a no for an answer.

Lindsay, his girlfriend of seven months now.

It surprised him how fast time had flown by. It seemed like only the day before when she'd made an appearance back in his life, changing everything he knew. Ironically, exactly that had been what had made him stay with her this whole time: the fact that she'd changed his life exactly at the moment it needed to be fixed. She gave him certainty, security, stability and so many other wonderful things as well. He enjoyed being with her, because every moment with her was a different experience.

She was an amazing girl, that was something he was never gonna be able to deny. She'd shield him from everything he'd been afraid of and she'd protected him. He couldn't think of a flaw in her. Those green eyes and that smile were perfect. Her personality; her charisma; her way of talking; her way of listening, everything always satisfied what he wanted and looked for in a girl.

She deserved the very best of him because she'd given the best of herself. That was one of the reasons why he was taking her to that party, because she deserved every desire of her heart to be given to her at the moment she wanted it; and at times, he always tried to give her the best of him, but there was something he couldn't give…

His heart.

There was something in there that always kept pulling back and deep down inside he knew what it was, he was just trying to ignore it; and he was gonna keep trying until the day he could understand the whole picture.

"_Hi handsome"_ Lindsay said distracting him from his thoughts when she arrived and gave him a kiss on the lips.

"_Hi…"_ he said smiling while looking at her on a simple pink knee long dress with her red her down _"you look beautiful…"_

Yeah, she was beautiful, in the whole context of the word. She was not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. She was never rude; always patient and understanding. She was one of the most amazing people on the planet he'd had the chance to meet. Being with her was everything he could've wished for. There was no drama, no problems, no pressures.

She was honest and kind; so sweet and innocent and she was his perfect match, if only he could give her his heart completely.

"_Thanks…"_ she said straitening the dress a little _"I'm glad you like it, since I had no idea what to wear for a karaoke night… Kirsten and Sandy kinda went overboard with this one"_

"_I guess they lived in Newport for so long that they just wanted to celebrate their anniversary differently"_ he said while looking at himself in the mirror.

"_Yeah I guess"_ Lindsay said while looking at him completely mesmerized of how handsome he was, almost surprised that he was her boyfriend. _"So are you ready to go?"_

"_Yeah… I just need to go look for my watch"_

"_I'll go get it…"_ she said walking to his bedroom _"it's in the nightstand right?"_

"_Yeah…"_ he said loud enough for her to hear.

Lindsay walked into the room and smiled to herself, because every time she went in there, she was always surprised to see how organized he was. Lindsay had dated guys in the past that were pretty decent and honorable, but once she'd gotten a glimpse of their apartments, the decency stopped. But with Ryan it'd been different. He wasn't an ordinary guy; she'd known that since they'd met in high school. There was something about Ryan that made him stand out back then besides appearing to be the broody bad boy. She never really quite figured out what it was, she just knew it was still in there because it was what was making her fall for him more and more every day.

She walked to the night stand and immediately saw the watch, she smiled again, but her smile turned into a curious expression when her eyes landed on what appeared to be a black and blue book that said: "Places who deserve to know you…" that was on the nightstand as well.

The title got her attention and she sat down on the bed while she took the book in her hands and opened it. Immediately she realized it was a scrapbook… a really well-made scrapbook in fact.

The scrapbook contained pictures of different places in the world, place she'd heard of and at some point had been intrigued about but, nothing that surprised her much... and yet she found herself feeling surprised about how well it was made, as if someone had done it with every ounce of dedication, possibly even love, and she could feel it by turning every page.

She closed it and she saw that, in the back cover, it had a little inscription that said: _"To: Ryan. From: Taylor. Happy Birthday."_

Suddenly it all made sense.

She'd seen them hugging from the balcony the night of his birthday and quite frankly it'd stung a little, but it hadn't been the hug itself, it'd been the fact that that hug had given her chills, that eventually she'd had to move away from the balcony. The feeling of watching them from up there had haunted her so much that that same night, after everyone had left, she'd asked Ryan very casually about Taylor's presence, and as if the hug hadn't stung enough, he'd said they'd been friends for over a week… something he'd forgot to mention.

That'd hurt too, but she'd kept being quite about it because she wasn't the jealous type; she hadn't ever been and she wasn't about to start now. So, she'd tried putting the hug and the friendship to the back of her mind by telling herself that Ryan was with her… he'd chosen her seven months ago after breaking up with Taylor.

That had made her survive those two weeks, but seeing that scrapbook there unsettled her even more than the hug had.

She hadn't known what to give him for his birthday, she hadn't even known what to get him for their anniversary. In the end, she'd just improvised and made dinner for the two of them in her apartment, but honestly, she'd wanted more than that. She'd wanted to give him something that would show how much she was falling in love with him, how this seven months had been amazing for her and even if he still couldn't find a way to totally open up, she wanted to give him something to let him know she was willing to wait for as long as it took.

And there it was, this totally amazing gift that summed up so many aspects of his personality, but it hadn't been from her. Taylor had given it to him, his EX girlfriend Taylor, to be more specific.

Not in a million years she would've thought of making him a scrapbook of architectural things even knowing he was an architect! There was someone out there, his EX to be more specific again, who knew him more than her, and she'd been his girlfriend for seven months! Now, she wasn't just unsettled, she actually felt a little threatened.

Lindsay sat there, the scrapbook on her lap, for a couple more minutes not knowing what to think. On one hand, her heart was telling her she didn't have to worry about anything because he'd chosen her over Taylor seven months before, but on the other hand… her mind was telling her that that hug, that scrapbook, that friendship… meant something. Maybe not too much, at least that was what she wanted to believe, but it meant something.

"_Did you find it?"_ Ryan said from the living room, taking Lindsay out of her thoughts.

"_Yeah…"_ she said while she put the scrapbook back in the nightstand and walked out the bedroom to find her boyfriend smiling at her.

That smile was enough to tell her heart not to worry but the voice of her mind never faded completely. He was with her, that was true, but she needed something else.

"_Are you ok?"_ he said looking at her, his smile not fading from his lips.

"_Perfect…"_ she said with a smile on her face, trying to shake the thoughts out of her head _"let's go…"_

An hour later, Taylor and Summer were in the club making fun of Kaitlin and Julie who were singing "Night moves" in front of a whole crowd.

Taylor put a strand of her hair behind her ear, and without thinking, she just looked behind her, where Seth and Ryan were talking and a million thoughts ran through her head.

So far, the night wasn't sucking. She'd been laughing and hanging out mostly with Seth and Summer and it'd been great, if it wasn't for the stingy feeling she had in her heart whenever she looked at Ryan with Lindsay. They'd arrived after her, and the second she saw them walking in, holding hands, she felt her heart in her throat.

She'd forced her eyes to look away while swallowing slowly and had tried to ignore the feeling during the whole night.

At first it'd been difficult, but she'd done her best and the pain had diminished eventually, but had never faded away completely.

She'd almost jumped up and down when Ryan had started hanging out with Seth and Lindsay had taken a sit next to Kirsten while Sandy had been singing one of his many songs of the night, which obviously had been dedicated to his wife.

They hadn't sat together since and, for Taylor, that was a gift from heaven. Even though they were talking with different people, it just didn't erase the fact of reality that they were dating, but at least she could kid herself whenever she looked at him, like right now, pretending the last seven months hadn't happened… that she'd never seen him before.

Although, that metaphor had its downside 'cause if she pretended she hadn't seen him before, his body started drawing her in like a magnet and that was the exact opposite of what she hoped to accomplish; this night was supposed to be for her. Pretending nothing had happened between them wasn't the best way to let go and accept he'd wanted someone else when they'd been together, because, as much as it hurt and as much as she hated it, he'd wanted somebody else over her.

She didn't know what to do. She knew that by the end of the night she should've made some progress but, how do you ignore something that's clinging into you like a second skin? Because that was how loving Ryan Atwood felt. He was a part of her, and she couldn't just give up a part of her so easily.

Summer started noticing she was feeling down again when she said: _"You know what would cheer you up?"_

"_Going home?"_ Taylor said wrinkling her brow a little with the hopes that was what Summer was suggesting, but knowing at the same time it wasn't near that.

"_Singing up there…"_ Summer said pointing to the stage where Kaitlin and Julie were still singing.

"_You're crazy"_ Taylor had said rolling her eyes and sipping her glass.

"_Actually I think I've never been saner"_ Summer said nodding and smiling at the same time.

Taylor just glared at her and said: _"Really?"_ while raising one of her eyebrows.

"_Ok…"_ Summer said finally giving up _"Maybe I just wanna hear you sing. Come on! It'll be fun!"_

"_Then why don't you go up there?"_ Taylor said gesturing her hands for Summer to go to the stage.

"_Because I'm not the one mourning a relationship?"_ Summer said shaking her head a little, in the way she always did when she wanted to emphasize something.

"_Ouch…"_ Taylor said bringing a hand to her chest and smiling, trying to take the comment funnily.

"_Go up there!"_ Summer said slapping her arm.

"_Not a chance…"_ Taylor said shaking her head in denial.

"_Come on! It'll be like…"_ Summer said opening and closing her palms trying to think of a persuasive word or metaphor to convince Taylor.

"_Uh-huh…"_ Taylor said smiling and slightly moving her head, but she wasn't counting on Summer saying what she'd been about to say: _"a way to stop hiding…"_

Taylor swallowed nervously and thought about it for a moment. She'd gone there trying to stop hiding; she'd gone there to try to accept things but she was still hiding behind the thought that Lindsay and Ryan weren't a couple just because they were sitting in different places!

How much had she changed huh? Once upon time she'd been a determined person, a go-getter, someone who needed to have things her way, someone who once a thought started rolling around in her mind, it would never leave until it was done. No matter what it was or how long it took her, she always ended with exactly what she wanted. She could do anything; anything except for hiding.

So why was she hiding now? She'd allowed herself to lose so much because of her heartache; she'd already changed so much. She had to stop hiding eventually so what better way of doing it than standing in front of whole crowd? Being able to stand up there, with everyone looking at her, would send a message, if not to them, to herself saying she was strong enough, that somewhere inside her there was still that girl, that determined girl saying she could do it… saying she had it in her to let go.

"_You're right…"_ she said nodding emphatically.

"_I am?"_ Summer said a little confused.

"_Yes… you are"_ she said with a smile and then she got up from her chair and started walking to the stage now that Julie and Kaitlin were done.

As she neared the stage, Taylor suddenly felt the eyes of everyone in the crowd studying her. She started getting a little frightened, well not so much a little as A LOT! I mean, maybe she'd underestimated her confidence. After all, it wasn't like she jumped on stage to sing a random song that she probably hadn't even heard of in front of everyone she loved and cared about!

Ok! Now she was freaking out! What if the song that started playing was a song she hadn't heard of? After all, it was a random song karaoke! What'd she been thinking?

Oh right! This was Summer's fault with her inspirational phrases!

Amazingly enough, she continued walking the stairs and she stood there in the center, trying not to move. She started looking at all the familiar faces down there and she smiled nervously. She really didn't want to screw this up because this was her chance of… what the hell was it? All the adrenaline wasn't making her think straight! She just knew that whatever it was that had her up there was important so she had to do this right. Only, her palms started getting sweaty and her heart was about to explode.

She looked at Summer for reassurance but she was looking someplace else. She tried looking at Seth too, but he was talking. They seemed to be the only ones in the crowd who weren't looking at her.

How convenient of them!

Ok, that was it! She couldn't do it. Her eyes got scared and she was about to run out of there… when her eyes landed on his.

He was looking at her with these expressive tender eyes from the corner of the room. It was as if he was trying to tell her that no matter how scared she got up there, she could do it… whatever it was she was trying to do.

The way his eyes got transfixed on hers and how he inhaled while he mouthed '_breathe' _made her do exactly what he'd said. She felt how her lungs filled with air, as if trying to breathe him in like she'd done every time his face had been inches away from hers, and now, that he was more than ten feet away, the sensation was even more powerful than those times.

He smiled at her and she smiled back, almost feeling her soul fly to the clouds. If it hadn't been for the sound of a familiar piano, she could've completely forgotten that she was supposed to sing a song; but seconds later, as the music progressed, she realized she recognized that piano, this was one of her favorite songs in history and just to remember the lyrics for a fraction of a second, she remembered why it'd been that she'd gone up there, she'd gone there with a purpose and there wasn't a song that could express it any better.

She'd heard the song numerous times before, but right now, there was something about it that made her heart beat faster. Her heart was racing and her adrenaline was coursing through her veins, because she knew, just from looking deep into his eyes and before she started singing, that she was gonna mean every word.

She grabbed the microphone with the faint trace of tears forming in her eyes because, she was finally gonna make a real attempt to accept that those eyes she was staring at weren't hers, that that smile he had on his face wasn't hers either.

It had been as if fate had coordinated it all, as if it had messed with their plans just so this moment, the moment of her goodbye, could've taken place…

"_Words fall out of my mouth__ and I can't seem to trace what I'm saying; everybody wants your time…_

_I'm just dreaming out loud, I can't have you for mine and I know it… I just wanna watch you shine…"_

During that last verse, it was inevitable for her to look directly at him… once again, the color of their eyes splashing together while holding on tight as if both their lives depended on it. It was amazing how everything stopped when her eyes were on his.

It was so simple… the act of looking another person in the eyes. And yet, it was so powerful… it was a sensation that never found the right words to be described and probably never would.

She almost regretted it when she had to close her eyes for a second, losing his, while she breathed in to continue:

"_Tripping up on my tongue, it's all over my face and I'm racing; got to get away from you._

_Burning all the way home, trying to put it to bed but it chases every little thing I do…_

_When the light falls on your face don't let it change you… _

_When the stars get in your eyes don't let it blind you…"_

He'd been chasing her every single minute of every single day ever since they'd first kissed. It'd been that way for better or for worse, and even when he was with somebody else it was probably gonna keep being like that. Her gaze never strayed from his and he was totally immersed in her presence, so much that it almost made her voice break, because as the song progressed she knew the lyrics were gonna get deeper and deeper… just like her love for him had, even when they'd been apart for so long.

She knew the next verses were gonna always be directed to him, so again, it was impossible, literally impossible, for her to stop locking her eyes with his because, the next lines pretty much defined everything she felt for him… everything she was giving up, everything she wished was still hers.

So she gave him the vaguest trace of a smile, while her voice got a little rocky from all the emotions welling up inside her while she kept singing:

"_Spell it all in a song, bet you never catch on to my weakness, I'm singing every word for you. Here I'm thinking I'm sly, then you're catching my eye and just maybe, you're thinking what I'm thinking too…_

_When you see it on my face, don't let it shake you…_

_I know better than to try and take you with me…"_

There it was… she knew she couldn't be with him because he'd chosen Lindsay over her; and just like she'd sang, she knew better than to chase him because in the end, chasing him had only worked for a while, it hadn't guaranteed him being with her and she knew that when you love something you should let it free, no matter how that hurts.

There it was, that pain again, bigger than any other day. She closed her eyes, not really daring to look at him anymore… she knew that he was with somebody else, and she knew he seemed pretty happy with that someone. She knew she had no right to want him back after their history, but she couldn't stop loving him this much!

She was up there singing him a song for crying out loud! Intentionally or unintentionally!

But in spite, or maybe because, of that love, she had to say goodbye. That love was the one that made her heart break because no matter how hard she tried, it could never stop having hope.

She didn't need any other proof, his love for her had died the day she'd wanted to tell him she'd been pregnant and the day Lindsay had appeared. He'd even gone to her without even mourning their relationship or even their unborn child, so yeah, she had to say goodbye to that hope that was still in there, eating her alive, almost killing her with every breath.

That hope had been a part of her for so long, and it almost felt surreal that through that moment she was giving it all up just to stop hiding and face reality.

She opened her eyes to find him still looking at her, as if nothing else existed for him. She gave him a heartbreaking smile that made his heart beat erratically. There was no other way around it. She had to say goodbye and she did it her very own Taylor way, which was giving her hope of one final chance to shine before it ended for good…

"_You're beautiful… just the way you are… and I love it all… every line and every scar… and I wish that I could make you see… this is where you ought to be… come down to me_

_Come down to me…"_

She smiled at him one last time and it felt like the longest second of his life. He had a knot on his stomach because deep inside he knew she was going far from his reach. During that second he looked at that bittersweet yet glistening smile she gave him and something in the back of Ryan's head told him to memorize it because he wasn't going to see it anytime soon.

That feeling unsettled him.

He'd tried so hard to make her feel comfortable in his life, to make her feel what he was feeling whenever he was around her and now she was just saying goodbye without giving explanations? He felt sort of a déjà vu feeling. This had happened before and he couldn't allow it to happen again, not when he still needed answers.

He sighed, and just like he'd predicted, his heart was full with a bunch of emotions he never even knew existed, and just like he'd known since forever, or at least since he'd been capable of realizing what had been in front of him all along, Taylor was the only one who could trigger those things in him.

Again like in so many times before, he watched in slow motion how her hair moved indescribably lighting up the whole room while she got down the stage and immediately went out of there, Summer and Seth absently following.

His heart was desperately screaming: "Reach her" because he needed some sort of explanation, he needed something to work with here. He knew that song had been for him and he knew she was saying goodbye, to what was she saying goodbye? He needed to know it wasn't what he was thinking. He needed to ask her to explain things once and for all, no matter what his head said in the moment.

And you know what? He almost did, in fact, he would've… if he hadn't just looked at his right side, and had seen those green eyes of Lindsay staring at him, waiting to see his reaction, while she let out a soft and heavy sigh that totally said something like: "Now, this all makes sense…"

-----------------------------------------

Silence reigned in his apartment… and it pretty much had since they'd left the party. She hadn't known what to say and he just hadn't been sure where things were at with the glare she'd shot at him at the end of the song. He had about a million thoughts racing aroung in his head, starting with what was probably gonna happen about any moment now, judging by the lost look and once again heavy sigh on Lindsay's part.

"_So… are we gonna have the talk now?"_ she said in a confusing tone, Ryan not really knowing if it was an angry tone, a defensive tone, or a mix of the two.

Still, he tried to push his luck a little and tried to seem oblivious about the whole issue and said: _"What talk?"_

"_Don't play dumb with me Ryan…"_ She said in a tone now clearly telling him she was hurt, looking at the floor and crossing her arms on her midriff _"The Taylor talk…"_

"_Ok… what about her?"_ he said nodding carefully.

"_We could start so many places Ryan…"_ she said putting one hand on her forehead before shooting him a really annoyed glare _"… but let's just start with tonight…"_

He knew that tone very well… it was the tone she always used when she was at the edge of a rage meltdown and he knew better now than to play dumb, so he just stopped pretending and said plainly: _"Lindsay, it was a random song choice, there's no way she could've known she was singing that."_

"_It's the way she looked at you…"_ She said and he swallowed nervously just from remembering it, but he swallowed hard when he heard her continue: _"and what freaks me out most… it was the way you looked at her…"_

Ryan stayed quiet for a moment and looked at the floor. He'd been so concentrated on how she'd been looking at him and how time had stood still, that he hadn't even stopped to see that during the whole time he hadn't taken his eyes away from her either… he'd been so hypnotized by her nostalgic and yet glowing presence that he'd completely forgotten that Lindsay hadn't been too far from him, probably, and certainly watching them as they shared glances.

He couldn't help but try and compensate for everything. Yes, for those brief three or four minutes he'd been mesmerized with Taylor, but during the other moments of the night, he'd been with Lindsay!

He hadn't even talked to Taylor!

And still the girl had managed to make his girlfriend feel annoyed just because of how he looked at her.

Again, he reminded himself that Lindsay was his girlfriend and that she deserved the best from him, so he took a step closer and said in the sweetest way possible: _"Lindsay I'm with you ok? I'm with you…"_

"_It's all sorts of things…"_ Lindsay said heartbroken as if she hadn't heard what Ryan had said_ "You didn't even tell me about you being friends again… you hugged her the other night… she made you a scrapbook and now… a song? And none of that stuff seems to mind for you…"_

Again, he repeated, maybe out of reflex: _"Lindsay… I'm with you; you're my girlfriend… not Taylor…"_

"_I know… you keep saying that…"_ She said in a low voice _"but you always stop there… I never hear the 'why's'"_

"_Why what?"_ he asked a little confused.

"_Why is it that you're with me…"_ she said looking straight into his eyes and talking in a firm but low tone _"Right now, I need to know the why's"_

Ryan's mind went blank all of the sudden. He really didn't know why because he was always telling himself all the wonderful qualities Lindsay possessed, he always reminded himself of that, and now that he needed to list all of those things they were nowhere to be found and he just stood there in silence… a really loud silence.

"_See?"_ she said nodding and forcing a smile through her heart break _"Ryan…. If you can't even say why you chose me… then…"_

Ryan kinda felt in shock. He knew this wasn't going to go well but he didn't expect to end his relationship with Lindsay, so he just said mesmerized and looking at the floor: _"so this is it…?"_

"_No…"_ she said in a firm tone, one he wasn't expecting because she seemed really bruised _"I'm not making this easier for you, or for her. I love you Ryan…"_ she took a step closer and ran a hand on his cheek _"but if you wanna end this you're gonna have to do it yourself…I'm not gonna do it for you…"_

And with that she left the apartment leaving him there, knowing that things were gonna be just a liiiittle complicated now…

He was Ryan Atwood; things were always getting more and more complicated…


	10. Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking

**Author's Note: **_So... are you surprised? Did I surprise you updating this fast? I hope I have! So listen, This is sort of a filler chapter and it's shorter than usual because, well... I'm just trying to prepare things for what's to come... I still hope you enjoy it, and that when you finish reading the last line, your stomach starts doing flip-flops that encourage you to REVIEW! that's right... reviews are love people and the more you review, the faster I update... Thanks to all of you who've read my other story as well and I'm letting you know that I plan to update that one within this week... _

_On a different note... I just wanna give special thanks to my wonderful friend **Lesley.** Honey, You know how much you mean to me. You've been there for me during this tough week and you've made me smile... something I'd forgotten I could do. I just wish that somewhere along the line I can at least give you half of what you've given to me... and that you can feel as protected as I feel when you give me advice... you've changed my life more than you'll ever ever, know... xoxox_

_Now... leave you all to read..._

_Sharybabe_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 10**

**Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking**

Ryan was tired. He'd just arrived home after his usual 30 minute run around the park and he was definitely worn out.

Going running had always felt refreshing for him. He wasn't sure of when that routine had started exactly, he just knew it'd been sometime during his four catalytic years in Newport and if he was really to try to put his finger on it, the routine had picked up the pace after Marissa's death.

Back then, when he'd been lost, feeling like nothing in this life could bring him back, he'd always forced himself into running along the beach, maybe as a symbol of him running towards something rather than from something. That thought always cleared his head and made him feel a little better about himself, even if at the beginning the sensation only lasted those thirty minutes.

But as time passed by, he discovered that the sensation sometimes lasted more than expected and in the end, the routine had been something he hadn't been able to erase, it'd become a habit. Whenever something was bothering him and he felt overwhelmed he always went out to run expecting to find a purpose out from the light air outside and for it to give him some sort of clarity and if he was lucky enough, an epiphany.

He definitely needed one of those.

But this time, the muses hadn't been on his side and he'd come home empty-handed.

So yeah… he was tired.

He quick-glanced the answering machine and he noticed there wasn't any blinking red light there. He still couldn't believe how it was that he was still expecting for her to call. He normally wasn't one of those guys that sit down beside the phone waiting for it to ring, but for the last couple of weeks he hadn't been himself at all.

All courtesy of two ladies, and the first one was Lindsay Gardner.

Ever since she'd left his apartment giving him an ultimatum, he'd felt stupid because he couldn't understand why was it that he'd just kept silence when he'd needed to say actual words.

The minute she went out the door he immediately remembered all the reasons why he was with her, and he'd even gone out the door to see if she was still around to tell her there wasn't any reason to worry, but it'd been like she'd disappeared out of thin air.

Ever since then, he'd left all these messages on her voicemail and it took her at least three days to answer one of them.

The minute he'd heard her voice at the end of the line he'd made the valiant effort of telling her all the things he'd wanted to say, but she'd immediately interrupted him by saying: _"You know what? Don't say anything Ryan… at least not anything about the other night… unless, either you're ending this, or you've figured it out… if it's not one of those things, then let's just leave it alone."_

And then… he became mute again. He'd known he'd been given the chance to tell her why he was with her, he'd known he'd had the chance of telling her he _had_ figured things out and that she was his choice… but the words never came out of his mouth and he still couldn't understand why.

Why was it so hard to tell her everything he felt about her? It wasn't like he'd be lying if he'd say she was a beautiful and amazing girl who made him feel great whenever he was around her, because it was true! But instead of being able to say that… he just kept giving her reasons to believe he wasn't sticking with her.

Reasons that were without foundation now.

If at some point he'd had the vague hope, as distant as it seemed by now, of him ever understanding Taylor, or Taylor's reasons for her abortion, that hope was completely gone. Or so he wanted to believe.

And… girl number two kicked in.

He was convinced he was never gonna understand Taylor. The girl only managed to confuse him even more with every day that passed by. She just kept turning his world upside down, and at this point it was just too damn much already.

As he sat down on the couch, not even bothering to change his sweaty clothes, his thoughts shifted from Lindsay to Taylor as many times before and he started wondering when exactly he'd let her confuse him this much.

And then he remembered.

It'd all started way back in the past, that night in the pool house when she'd asked him to kiss her. At first he'd thought _"sure, I kissed her one time and it was strictly business, this time won't be different"_ and BOOM! The eternal state of confusion had kicked in.

She reached a place inside him that no one else had and he just wasn't used to that kind of thing happening to him. Besides, she was motor-mouth Taylor Townsend and there was nothing in common between the two of them. He'd spent the first few weeks trying to find some logic into why he'd felt something so strong almost immediately for someone like her, but he'd soon found out that she didn't have logic, at least not one he could fight against.

And then, one slutty alien, one French ex-husband, and many make-out sessions after, just when he'd thought things with her were finally forming a routine…BOOM! They'd broken up and she'd resorted to going back to France, leaving him just like he was now, empty-handed.

And just when he was getting used to being alone, just when he'd stopped reading her blog and when he'd almost convinced himself he was over her; he saw her at the Julie-Bullit almost-wedding! Of course, at the beginning he'd had every intention of staying just friends with her, trying to avoid at all costs the haze she always managed to wrap him in, but if there was something Taylor Townsend could do was confuse Ryan Atwood, and this time… it hadn't been any different.

BOOM! He'd just touched her hand and all of a sudden this wave of thoughts and desires resurfaced in him that almost sent his senses into overdrive.

After that, just like before he'd thought he'd managed to get a grip of her fast-furious ways… but again he'd been wrong and she just made things a lot more confusing and complicated.

Only this time, she'd confused him by doing something he'd expect from anyone… anyone except from her.

She confused him by hurting him.

She'd managed to rip his heart out by having an abortion without consulting with him first. An abortion he still didn't understand and quite frankly haunted him almost every night. She hadn't even made an effort to explain things to him, even when he'd given her countless opportunities in his book. She'd simply gone ahead with it, seemingly not even showing any remorse whatsoever. In none of his hurtful and painful nightmares would he have pictured her doing something so selfish and so… unforgivable, but then she just contradicted herself by being there for him on one of his dark days… on a day he needed her the most! How was it that she could be so selfish and so selfless at the same time?

As if he hadn't learned that she was like that, an incomprehensible tornado that only left confusion everywhere it passed, he'd offered to be friends with her again, partially wanting answers, partially because as much as she confused him, he always kept coming back for more.

And she'd agreed! She'd agreed to be his friend and for a week they'd been friends, and as inevitable as it was, during that week she managed to bring all these hopes inside him, hopes that had made him want to be with her even if he hadn't noticed it himself.

But then… FREAKING BOOM! She started avoiding him, she started running further and further away from him and there was nothing he could do but watch… and she ultimately had ended up saying goodbye to him, by singing him a song on a karaoke night, leaving him with twice the questions he had when everything had started.

If there was something Taylor Townsend could do, it was confusing Ryan Atwood.

He'd never thought he'd reached the point where it would be too much for him; quite frankly he didn't want it to be too much. He still wanted answers… he still wanted to know why she was doing all this! And the fact that she'd been so closed up and so…far from his reach frustrated him so much. So much it wasn't healthy. It wasn't healthy for him, it wasn't healthy for her he assumed, and it wasn't healthy for his relationship with Lindsay. As much as he wanted answers he didn't want them at the price of Lindsay's heart because she didn't deserve something like that from him. In her own way, Lindsay had given him an opportunity to start over and he was just dwelling too much in the past. So, if after all the things they'd gone through, if for some reason he still hadn't learned anything from his previous experiences and there was hope in there of ever understanding Taylor… it had to go.

It simply had to go.

He picked up the phone and dialed Lindsay's cell number, in an effort to shake all thoughts of Taylor out of his mind. Thinking about her was what had things as complicated as they were now, so he was focusing on Lindsay.

Or at least he was trying to.

The phone rang once, twice… and then, it just went to voicemail.

Ok this was it! Two women were making his life a complicated hell and he needed to clear his head. Obviously going out for a run hadn't worked, trying to locate Lindsay seemed unproductive, and trying to find Taylor was just out of the question. So he sat there trying to come up with ideas for stuff to do, but every option seemed more disappointing than the last, so he took out of all of them, the one that hurt less and that was calling Seth.

You can imagine if calling Seth was the better option how bad the others must've been!

Without giving it a second thought, he immediately dialed Seth's number. It rang about three times before someone picked it up, and when he heard the voice answering at the other end of the line, as fast as a lightning, he rose from the couch without knowing why.

"_Hello?"_ Taylor said at the other end of the line.

So much for clearing his head huh?

Ryan swallowed hard and when he heard her voice, so fragile and so special as always, the slightest trace of a smile formed around his lips. It was always that way with her. Even when she confused him in ways no other woman had, she always compensated it by making him smile and by giving him purpose.

How is it that someone that confuses you so much until the point your heart breaks, gives you purpose like no other thing can?

He struggled for words and he even stuttered a little while he said: _"Taylor… hi… did I dial your number?"_

As soon as she heard his voice she wanted to hang up the phone. This was exactly what she'd been dreading during the last couple of weeks. She hadn't seen him after the karaoke night and quite honestly, she wasn't planning on seeing or talking to him after that. She'd struggled a lot to come to terms with the fact that she had to move on and she was scared that seeing him or talking to him would cause a 'relapse'.

And so far, avoiding him had worked. Well, it hadn't been like he'd been searching around the world to talk to her either, so she'd figured he'd gotten the message and had no problem with it.

Then why was he calling now?

Sure, she'd secretly wanted him to call sometime during those two weeks that had passed but right now was just too late… Just like many times before she'd made a choice and the last time she'd showed or had had hope for him and her had died that night…

But why was he calling now?

"_Ryan… hey… I'm pretty sure you dialed my number… you're actually calling to my cell"_ she said, her voice trying to sound as normal as possible; almost cheery like the old times.

That totally threw Ryan off course. There it was… the usual state of confusion this woman always managed to make him fall into. How was it that she was so calmed? Couldn't she see how messed up he was because of her that he'd mistakenly called her instead of calling Seth? Or was she pretending? No! He had much bigger things on his plate right now… and calling her cell by mistake wasn't helping!

"_Oh… ok. I'm sorry I was just__… calling for Seth…"_ he said not being able to get rid of the stuttering that had now possessed his tongue.

"_Oh! He's right here… wait a sec…"_ she said as quickly as possible hoping to get rid of making small talk with Ryan. This was one of those funny and endearing uncomfortable situations you always see on TV, only without the funny and the endearing parts, she did NOT want to talk to Ryan.

But it was as if he couldn't notice… because he kept talking!

"_Wait? You're with Seth right now?"_ the words came out of his mouth without even reasoning them. Why was it that he felt the need to talk to her? Why couldn't he just let her go look for Seth if what he wanted was to clear his head, and not confuse himself more than he already was? Why was he still talking to Taylor?!

"_Umm yeah. I'm in h__is place actually. Wait hold on… let me get him for you"_ Taylor said, and she was about to remove the phone from her ear when he - just - kept - talking!

"_Wait… Taylor"_ he said again without thinking. Faster than he realized he noticed that she hadn't made any effort to talk to him during that phone conversation. And just like everything about her, it confused him. Was she really trying to get rid of him? For some reason he couldn't stand that thought… he hadn't been able to stand that thought, not even after the karaoke night. So he just found himself telling her to wait…

Just because he didn't want her to go…

"_Yeah…?"_ she said in a grumpy tone. And then he realized that she indeed was trying to get rid of him. All caution, all fear of confusion, all avoidance, all denial, all thoughts of Lindsay were out the door and he couldn't contain himself any longer.

"_Why are you doing this?!"_ he asked in an exasperated tone that made her jump a little where she was standing

"_I'm sorry?"_ she asked in complete shock, almost as if she was gonna start yelling too, because she was oblivious to what he was talking about. Then he realized that he couldn't talk to her like that. Not anymore, so he said more calmly…

"_I mean… why are you so eager to stop talking to me?"_

The words cut down into her heart and she let out a long heavy sigh. _"because it hurts to talk to you maybe?"_ were her thoughts, but of course, she couldn't tell him that. And besides, she didn't want to think of pain anymore. She just wanted to forget him right now… even if that hurt more than actually talking to him.

"_Because you said you were looking for Seth a minute ago?"_ she said slowly…

"_Yeah but… we haven't had a chance to talk since…"_ he trailed off unsure of what to say.

"_Since your Birthday actually…"_ she said quick, not knowing if it was because she completely remembered their last conversation or if it was to avoid talking about the infamous serenade.

"_Yeah, I was hoping we could talk… at some point"_ Ryan said giving her again an opportunity to vindicate herself and just stop confusing him.

"_Well right now I'm kinda busy"_ she said as if she was trying to shove him off, but then she sort of regretted it and said _"I mean, today's Summer's baby shower and I'm still organizing things…"_

"_Ahhh… so that's why you're there…"_ he said glad that at least he'd understood something about that phone call.

"_Yeah…"_ she said quickly, if she stayed there talking too much the 'relapse' was definitely gonna strike. _"So, that's kind of why I have to get going so… let me just look for Seth okay?"_

"_Ok but… Taylor?"_ he said preventing her from going away one last time.

"_Yeah…?"_ she said again, but not as annoyed as the last time… it was starting to hurt again…

"_We ARE gonna have to talk eventually"_ he said, emphasizing the word 'are', hoping she knew it wasn't about just friendly talking… he meant talking about everything. About all his confusions, about laying it all out in the open because he couldn't deal with the confusion anymore, and if he couldn't have her… he at least wanted to understand her.

He needed to understand her.

And of course, her being Taylor Townsend, she completely understood what he was meaning; and she felt her stomach do that flip-flop thingy it did when she was scared.

She wasn't ready… she wasn't ready to talk about anything with him yet. And she wasn't sure if she wanted to either. So she answered with a phrase as deep as the one he'd said, a phrase that, just like his, had much bigger things hidden behind it…

"_But it won't be today…"_

He just bowed his head and looked at the floor because once more, she'd managed to increase his confusion, and with it… his frustration.

If there was something Taylor Townsend could do, it was confuse Ryan Atwood.

"_Seth! Ryan's on the phone for you!"_ were the last words he heard from Taylor's voice that day and without really thinking much about it he banged his fist against the arm of the couch and said 'damn it, Taylor!… why can't you make things simple for me for once?'

"_Because it would totally ruin her style?"_ Seth said at the other end of the line _"So I see the Townsend Tornado has made it's reappearance"_

"_Hey man…"_ Ryan said defeated at the other side of the line. Suddenly he felt more tired than before, Taylor had drained his energies…

"_Let me guess…"_ Seth said in a sympathetic tone _"You need some Seth/Ryan time don't you?"_

"_Desperately…"_ Ryan said glad that Seth wasn't making him talk… well at least not for now.

"_Can I just say I'm glad you're having a crisis right now? 'Cause, in here, it's a mad house! There are__ baby decorations everywhere, Summer's pissed off and the apocalypse most likely will come our way so I'm desperate to get out of here"_ Seth said in his usual ranting mode.

"_Well I'm glad my screw ups are at your service"_ Ryan said smiling, perhaps for the first time in the day.

"_Lindsay's still giving you the cold shoulder huh?"_ Seth asked a little afraid of the answer, but he soon realized things were more complicated.

"_Actually, at this very second, Lindsay's not the one bothering me"_ Ryan said, not even sure of why he'd said that because he didn't exactly share more than was necessary with Seth about his lady problems.

"_Hence the 'Damn it Taylor', got it…"_ Seth said getting the picture.

"_Yeah well… __I really need to get out of here…"_ Ryan said letting out a long sigh.

"_Sure… will see what we can do. I'm just going to pick you up in a while"_ Seth said, again in a sympathetic tone, grabbing the keys of his car and heading out.

What he didn't know was that about after ten minutes he left his house; another car was parked outside, the car of a red-headed lady, the other part of his brother's love triangle.

She struggled to get out of the car, but finally, when she noticed the car of the person she was actually looking for outside the house, she got out and began walking her way to the door telling herself: _"You have nothing to worry about here… you're the one who's within her rights to argue if it gets to that."_

Oh yes! Lindsay had gone there looking for Taylor…

If Seth would've known what had been about to happen, he wouldn't have gone out with Ryan, he would've convinced Ryan to go to that house and face his demons...

Because his demons were just about to face each other…


	11. What Else Can I Say

**Author's Note: **_So... here it is! I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations. I really tried to make it work and to make Lindsay as real as she was on the show, hopefully, I did that. But you'll be the ones to judge that. Also, kisses to my lovely Lesley who keeps beta'in this... I love you! So, remember, the more you review, the faster I update, and I certainly hope you'd be craving for updates after this one!_

_Shary_

_xoxo_

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 11**

**What**** Else Can I Say?**

_- __Look to the clock on the wall, - _

_- __Hands hardly moving at all. - _

"_We ARE gonna have to talk eventually"_

It'd been at least five minutes since she'd heard that line escape Ryan's lips and it still had an impact on her breathing pattern. She wasn't sure if that had been a threat or a promise but quite frankly, she didn't know which was worse. Either way, the tone in his voice while he'd said that had definitely made her sure that that conversation was gonna take place, one way or the other.

"_But it won't be today…"_

Her own words still resonated on her eardrums and it made her sad to believe she'd said that. When had things turned out to be so complicated? Aside of being her boyfriend for five years, Ryan had always been her friend. That was a part of their whole dynamic… that was what they were, friends who happened to be lovers. They could talk about anything and everything, from fears to desires; from sex to family… they never ran out of themes of conversation.

So why was it that she didn't want to talk to him? Why was she running away from him? Or when had she started running away from things for that matter?

This wasn't her. This hadn't been her for a really long time. She'd been the kind of girl who always stood up against the world just to get her way. She'd made mistakes in the past and she'd owned up to them without even flinching, because she wasn't a runner unless she was running for something she wanted, but looking at how her life was right now… she broke her own heart when she realized this wasn't her…

_- Can't stand the state that I'm in - _

_- 'Cause sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in. - _

She wanted Ryan. She loved Ryan… was she running towards him?

No.

And the sad part about it all was that she couldn't change that. As much as she'd wanted to be herself again ever since they'd broken up almost nine months before, she couldn't change that. He was taken…

It always came down to that.

That was reason enough for her to forget him. That was reason enough for her to postpone the inevitable as long as she could…

_- __Try to bury my troubles away - _

_- __And drown my sorrows the same way… - _

She took a look around and she noticed she was in Seth's office. How the hell had she made it there? She wasn't sure.

After she'd handed her own cell phone to Seth for him to talk to Ryan, she'd just wandered around the house without really focusing to where she was going. All she'd been thinking was how powerful Ryan seemed to be over her. Two weeks had passed and she'd survived without seeing him or knowing about him, and just one phone call, and she was left wandering around totally oblivious of the world around her.

"_We ARE gonna talk eventually"_

Great! Now she kept hearing his voice.

She felt overwhelmed, because as much as she wanted to be in denial for longer than her limits kept telling her, she had to admit he was right. At some point… they needed to talk. Well, at some point, he was gonna start demanding answers… answers she just couldn't give him. She couldn't go through that pain again.

She just couldn't.

_- __It seems no matter how hard I try - _

_- __It feels like there's something just missing inside. - _

It was too painful. She'd spent so much time trying to keep it all in and she was still coming to terms with her own decision; and having him back and forth in her life was just making it more difficult than it should've been.

Ryan was supposed to hate her and be happy with Lindsay! Not wanting answers! Just thinking about them, ripped her heart out every time.

She just couldn't talk to him. She couldn't tell him everything. She wasn't ready to talk to him and quite frankly, she wasn't sure if she wanted to be ready either.

"_What are you doing in here?"_ A very pregnant Summer asked leaning against the door frame.

_- __Oh Lord, what can I say? - _

_- __I'm so sad since you went away… - _

Taylor immediately turned around and her face formed a half smile, but once she saw the look of worry on Summer's face, she knew she hadn't bought it.

"_You're pale… Are you ok?"_ Summer said rushing as fast as she could to her best friend's side.

Taylor looked at Summer's face while she kept touching her forehead and her neck to check her temperature. See? Just one phone call and apparently she looked like she was dead. It wasn't fair… just like Summer herself had told her on the karaoke night, it wasn't fair to be worrying people like that. Especially not Summer who was just about to pop that kid of hers into the world any second. So Taylor put on her best smile and said standing up from the chair: _"Yeah, I'm fine… Now, let's just keep fixing the decorations and everything for that baby shower of yours"_

"_Taylor, are you sure you're ok?"_ Summer asked concerned.

"_I'm fine…"_ Taylor said smiling while waving her hand as if saying it was no big deal.

"_Are you sure? You still look a little pale sweetie…"_ Summer asked trying to make Taylor talk and say what had happened.

Taylor smiled and simply said: _"Today's your baby day… we'll talk about it later ok?"_

Summer smiled back at her and was a little relieved to see that Taylor was gonna open up to her at least in a while. She'd witnessed from up close how Taylor had changed and how she'd stopped talking about stuff when she'd usually over shared. She nodded sweetly at her best friend and they both headed out of the office.

And that's when the doorbell rang.

_- __Time, time ticking on me. - _

_- __Alone is the last place I wanted to be… - _

"_I'll go get it"_ Summer said smiling but was quickly stopped by Taylor.

She needed to distract herself, and the best way to do it was taking care of Summer for the day. To help her with everything around the house and submerging herself into finishing the details for the baby shower. She glanced at her watch and noticed that it wasn't time for the guests to be coming but it was probably Kirsten or Julie offering help so she didn't think much about it and said: _"You know… It's probably someone bringing out stuff for the shower. I'll go. You just go over there and look pregnant"_

"_You make it sound so easy"_ Summer said playfully slapping her arm.

And with that, Taylor just went over to the front door and opened it.

The minute she saw the girl standing behind the door, the smile she had, thinking it was Julie or Kirsten, wore off. Her face now showed what could only be described as utter surprise and maybe a hint of fear.

"_This can't be happening"_ she thought to herself. She'd just had an awkward and unsettling phone conversation with Ryan and now Lindsay was popping around? She almost felt the urge to close the door and open it again, maybe hoping that the second time, Kirsten would be at the other side with Sophie just like she'd thought originally.

"_Hi Taylor"_ Lindsay said, her voice coming out warm and tolerable, while the expression on her face said that she was probably as scared as she was.

_- __Oh Lord, what can I say?? - _

"_Lindsay… hi"_ Taylor said after a moment while forcing a smile. _"What are you doing here?"_

"_Actually…"_ Lindsay said looking down at the floor for a moment. _"Looking for you"_

As if she hadn't been surprised enough by seeing Lindsay there, hearing her say that she was looking for her, at Seth and Summer's house, almost caused her heart to stop immediately. As quick as she could, she regain her composure and said slowly, but with a hint of surprise still in her voice: _"Looking for me? How did you know I was here?"_

"_I was talking to Kirsten earlier and she told me about the shower. You're Summer's best friend so I assumed you were here"_ Lindsay said rather slowly too, while giving Taylor a half smile, that Taylor couldn't avoid feeling intrigued by it. Was she pretending to be nice? Or was it coming out genuine? What Taylor did know was that whatever reason she was there, looking for her wasn't going to be nice in her book, no matter how polite their encounter could be.

"_Yeah… the shower is today and we still have a lot to get done"_ Taylor said after swallowing, looking for an easy way out of this. If she wasn't ready to talk to Ryan about what had really happened, she definitely wasn't ready to talk to Lindsay about Ryan!

"_That's why I came here now"_ Lindsay said and all of the sudden Taylor couldn't read her. _"Kirsten told me the shower starts at 4 and it's about 1:30, so I was hoping you could have some time."_

Taylor hesitated. She really didn't want to do this. She very much would rather stay in denial while decorating her friends house all afternoon. But she didn't want to run away either… not from Lindsay. Not from the girl who had a lot to do with the state she was in now… So she pretty much gathered all her energies and said: _"Ok… come on in…"_ while she opened the door for her to get inside.

Once the two of them were inside, standing in the living room, Taylor folded her arms around her midriff and said: _"So what's going on?"_

"_I was hoping you could tell me that"_ Lindsay said standing right across the room.

Ok, there it was. Taylor didn't want to talk about this, especially because something about Lindsay's body language told her that she wasn't getting defensive. And as strange as that sounded, that scared Taylor. She expected Lindsay to be all rage or at least defensive, but everything she said came across soft, but at the same time, steady and firm.

"_Look Taylor…"_ Lindsay said in a low calmed voice after a long sigh while shaking her head from side to side. _"I really don't want to beat around the bush because I think I've done that a lot with Ryan. That's why I came here… because I think that, since you've been in my position, you are going to tell me the truth"_

When Taylor heard that she could've sworn she felt a wave of annoyance rush through her. How did she dare to say something like: _"since you've been in my position"?_ She had no idea where she was standing! She didn't know her! She hadn't known her to say something like that.

"_Since I've been in your position?"_ Taylor said with a frown, the hostile tone on her voice evidently showing.

"_You know… the boyfriend showing interest for the ex?"_ Lindsay said quickly staring at Taylor right into her eyes.

Interest? What interest? Ryan hadn't showed any interest in her, at least not romantically. It hadn't been that way and just remembering that made Taylor's heart sink a little.

"_Ryan hasn't showed any interest in me Lindsay, I think you're safe"_ Taylor said nodding, her voice coming across with a hint of disappointment.

"_I see that differently you know?"_ Lindsay said bowing her head for a moment before looking at Taylor's eyes again. The girl had some confidence; you had to give her that.

"_Lindsay, I promise you there's no interest going on in there"_ Taylor said trying to wrap it up quickly. _"In fact, I don't think we're even friends nowadays."_

"_See? A scrapbook, a hug and a song seem to disagree with you"_ Lindsay said, Taylor definitely feeling a little of sarcasm on that phrase.

"_Lindsay…"_ Taylor said after a quick sigh. She really wanted to get this over with.

"_I know… that came across wrong. Listen"_ Lindsay said trying to get closer to Taylor. _"All I want is for you to be honest with me. I want to hear from you if you love him or not. That's all. Seeing that you've been in my place I think you understand"_

Ok that was that!

"_It's funny because I don't remember having this conversation with you when I was in 'your' place"_ Taylor said, her exasperation being fairly noticeable.

"_Taylor…"_ Lindsay said getting closer to her an in a louder tone _"Just tell me if you love him or not"_

"_Does it make a difference?"_ Taylor said still exasperated

"_It makes one to me…"_ Lindsay said pointing at her own chest.

"_I think you have your __wires crossed you know?"_ Taylor said feeling the pain of what she was about to say pumping her chest _"Because what should make a difference to you, is the fact that he's with you… that he is your boyfriend"_

"_You two rehearsed that line?"_ Lindsay said getting agitated; the pain of his words still fresh around her heart _"So funny that he said the same thing too huh?"_

"_If he said so then it's true."_ Taylor said the pain of knowing he'd said that himself almost killing her with every breath; but she wasn't about to cry. _"You know he's not a liar…"_

"_Taylor just set me straight here!"_ Lindsay said throwing her hands in the air, her screaming loud enough to hear now. _"Do you or don't you love him?"_

_- __Oh Lord what can I say? -_

_- __I'm so sad since you went away. - _

_- __Time, time ticking on me - _

_- __Alone is the last place I wanted to be… - _

_- __Oh Lord what can I say? - _

"_Lindsay, I think you need to leave"_ Summer said making her way into the living room, standing right between Lindsay and Taylor.

Summer coming in surprised them both, and Taylor gave a sigh of relief once she saw Summer putting a stop to this thing that was crushing her insides. She wasn't ready to talk to Ryan… God, if talking to Lindsay had upset her this much, how was she gonna be able to talk to Ryan?

God, she wanted so many things. She wanted to be herself again, she wanted to live normally without feeling this enormous hole in her heart, and she wanted to be happy…

Why couldn't she accomplish that? She wasn't even fighting for him and she was still in the middle of a love triangle, when she didn't want to be in it! She'd put a white flag on the Ryan ship a long time ago, then why couldn't this all be over?

"_Now, Lindsay"_ Summer said in a firm and loud tone that made the girl grab her purse and head out.

But she couldn't leave without upsetting her more. She couldn't leave without making her feel like this was never gonna end… and that hurt… it hurt a lot.

"_You know Taylor?"_ Lindsay said turning around before opening the door. _"You just gave me your answer right there…"_

And with that… she just left the house leaving Taylor paler than before.

The moment Lindsay left, Taylor started getting angrier and angrier at herself. She wasn't like this. She wasn't like this at all. In some other situation she would've been able to control her temper because that was who she was… she was centered, responsible. She knew her goals and damn it! She knew herself.

_- __How many rules can I break? - _

And now she'd just managed to act upset enough to be vulnerable in front of the person who had a lot to do with the wreck she was. And since when did she need Summer to bail her out of a problem? She used to be independent. Seventeen years without friends had taught her how to be fearless, how to be independent enough to solve her own problems and whenever she couldn't solve them; at least she could act like she had it all together!

She slowly sat down on the couch without realizing it. She started replaying the scene in her mind and the more she did it, the more frustration would rise from her heart. She'd been the one to lose control first, she'd been the one who allowed Lindsay to get in her nerves… And ultimately, she'd been the one who'd failed to confront her…

She wasn't herself at all.

"_I can't believe she had the nerves to come down here!"_ Summer said banging her foot against the floor. _"What the hell is her problem?!"_

"_Apparently Kirsten told her I was here"_ Taylor said absently, as if talking to the air.

"_Still!"_ Summer said throwing her hands in the air and walking around the living room _"She shouldn't have come here looking for you!"_

"_Well… if she hadn't come here, she would've gone to my place at some point"_ Taylor said, again her voice barely louder than a whisper.

"_And to come here demanding for you to tell her if you love Ryan? What difference does it make to her?"_ Summer said, at this point rambling to herself.

Taylor raised her head and saw Summer pacing around the room, rambling nonsensical things, being completely at the verge of a black out. This wasn't fair. This wasn't Summer's fight… it wasn't healthy for her to be so mad being in her eight and a half month of pregnancy. This day was supposed to be about her! And instead, Summer was now frustrated about something concerning her life!

"_I wonder if Ryan knows she was here… in fact I'm gonna call him right now… I swear I'm gonna kill that bitch the next time she comes near you"_ Summer said reaching for the phone.

She was half way dialing Ryan's number already when Taylor woke up and instantly grabbed the phone from Summer's hands and said yelling at the top of her lungs: _"Summer stop!"_

"_What's gotten into you?!"_ Summer said with a frown and answering with the same volume Taylor had yelled her.

"_I don't need this!"_ Taylor said making gestures with her hands in the air to emphasize what she was saying. _"I don't need you doing all of this!"_

"_You don't need me bitching about Lindsay?"_ Summer said confused while she looked at Taylor totally flipping out.

"_I don't need you bitching about Lindsay or wanting to call Ryan or saving me from an uncomfortable situation!"_ Taylor said waving around even more and talking uncontrollably. _"I don't need you saving me ok? I know how to handle my own things!"_

_- __How many lies can I make? -_

"_Excuse me?"_ Summer said now mad at Taylor. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She knew Taylor could pretend to be tough, but she needed saving! Especially right now! She hadn't been able to handle her own things since too much time to remember right now, and she couldn't believe how stubborn she was being! _"Taylor you can't be mad at me for wanting to help you!"_

"_But I don't need you helping me!"_ Taylor said still screaming, her eyes getting watery by the second, but surprisingly, her voice not broken…

"_Yes,__ yes you do!"_ Summer said walking closer to her to get a clear view of her face _"You just don't wanna let me! Or anyone else for that matter! God, when did you became so proud?!"_

"_Since I lost too__ much ok?"_ Taylor said putting a hand on her chest, the tears falling freely across her face now.

_- __How many roads must I turn… - _

She'd lost too much… that was certain. She'd lost her heart… her life, her ability to breathe. Ryan had taken all of that with him. Ryan had taken with him everything that made her who she was, because she'd managed to have a life _because_ of him.

There were times when she felt like he was a painter and she was his master piece. Like, she'd been a diamond in the rough and he'd been her polisher. He'd showed her how to shine… he'd given her color and he'd showed her how wonderful life could be.

And once they'd broken up, she'd lost it all… with almost no hopes of gaining it all back…

But surprisingly… that hadn't been what had hurt the most to lose. Her bigger loss was still unknown… unknown to anyone…

"_I know you lost a lot with Ryan ok? I know that! But it's not like you'd never broken up with him before! And those times before, you never ended like this! So tell me what it is you lost Taylor! Let me get inside that fortress you have there!"_ Summer said her voice almost breaking because of the intensity in the situation.

She'd spent all those months begging her to tell her what it was. Begging her to tell her the reason for that nasty break up, the reason for her being so lost and confused… the reason why she'd changed.

And once she heard what Taylor said… it all became more understandable…

"_I had a miscarriage, Summer!"_ Taylor said in a whisper… her voice breaking and suddenly crying like a child. _"You wanted to know what I lost? You wanted to know the reason of my misery? It's not about Ryan sometimes! It's about the fact that I lost a baby ok? A baby just like the one you're carrying right now! I lost a baby Summer… I lost a baby…"_

_- To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned? -_

Summer immediately rushed to her and put Taylor's head on her shoulder, as the girl started sobbing freely there, crying finally for things that only her pillow knew the reason for.

She cried and she cried for a really long time while Summer just held on to her, trying to console her, but at the same time knowing she couldn't possibly do that…

No one could.

--------------------------

**Reviews are the reward of every writer. Honestly I just love getting them! The button is your friend... :)**


	12. Loss Is The Price We Pay For Love

**Author's Note: **_Wow... just... wow! Seriously... I mean, SERIOUSLY! you guys are the best! You topped my usual number of reviews last chapter! Seriously!!! I love you guys so much! You have no idea how tough this past couple of weeks have been for me and knowing that this part of my life is being rewarded and it's being so welcomed in your hearts is... indiscribable!_

_So, as promised, here it is... Chapter 12! And as a way to repay you, this chapter is a bit longer than the last one... hope you all get to feel what I tried to say on the screen because if you do, then I did my job as a writer... _

_and knowing I did my job as a writer is more than I can ask for... _

_So... please! Review! review review review! They totally make my day!_

_Shar_

_xoxox_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 12**

**Loss Is The Price We Pay For Love**

Time passed by, like it always does. Seconds after seconds were swept away, unknown for both of the girls who were still in each other's arms, one of them crying until her own tears felt like fire under her eyelids, while the other just loaned her shoulder for it to receive the burns of the salty liquid falling like a cascade.

It'd been that way for almost an hour now. The house was in complete silence, except for Taylor's ragged breaths that were suddenly mixed with the sound of drops of water hitting the roof. It'd been as if nature had started crying along with her… because the minute the damn of emotions welling up inside her broke, the sky had opened and had let fall tons of tears as weary as the ones that kept falling from her eyes.

She was finally letting herself go… allowing every single bottled up feeling come out. Rolling around in her mind were these countless and almost illogical thoughts she couldn't quite put her finger on. For the longest of times her head had been this huge mess trying to stay hidden behind some closet doors, and today… it'd been the time where the doors had given in, just like she'd originally thought they would.

She'd known she'd been at the verge of a breakdown the second she got up from the bed that morning. There, in her best friend's arms, she started asking in between the thoughts in her head, how was it that she'd thought she could do this. Plan her best friend's baby-shower in one piece. She'd known that being there, decorating stuff and trying to be happy for Summer would only bring her memories of sour days… days that were supposed to be the happiest in her life but were now this huge proof that life never works the way you want it to.

It didn't matter how hard she'd try, she'd known that that day, just by setting a foot in that house, she was never gonna stop thinking about what might've been. She'd known she was going to start playing scenarios in her mind whenever she'd look at Seth and Summer opening baby presents at the end of the evening, or when she'd see Seth talking to Summer's stomach saying nonsensical things you couldn't distinguish, or even when Summer would go mental and start yelling because of the hormones. She'd known she wouldn't be able to look at them without picturing what that would've been like if Ryan and her were the ones in their place: just waiting impatiently for a baby to arrive, and who knew? Maybe married even.

That would've been perfect huh?

Perfection. Something far from her reach. Something she'd aimed for every day in her life and at some point, she'd thought she'd owned. But just being in Summer's doorway that morning reminded her that she never got it. Because her perfection was Ryan and that baby and neither of them would ever be hers anymore… She'd been avoiding Ryan at all costs and that baby… that baby she'd never get back.

The moment Summer had greeted her when she got there, she'd actually felt a knot in her throat accompanied with a flicker of jealousy. Summer had gotten her happy ending… Summer had gotten her scenario, her dream… her perfection.

But the second she'd felt that destroying feeling inside her, she'd shaken it out. Summer wasn't to blame for anything… if there was someone in the planet who deserved having happiness it was Summer… and that actually was the reason why she'd forced herself to go there, even when she knew that simply being there would test her boundaries. It didn't matter how much it'd hurt to watch her in her blissful state, she'd do it for her best friend because Summer had done for her valuable things in the past.

So she'd sucked it up. She'd been arranging things there in her house, trying to keep her mind busy for it not to relive moments that were meant to be buried in her heart; trying to concentrate and bossing around into getting her way just like the old days, even if that wasn't her this time around.

And surprisingly enough, she'd been able to do it. She hadn't thought about avoiding Ryan or about the baby during the course of the day and she was actually thinking this day wouldn't be so horrible after all.

But just like she'd thought she'd been gaining a little of her personality back when Ryan had reached her, just like she'd thought things could be different this time, fate had played a trick on her and Ryan had called throwing the balls up in the air again, making her think of the same thing she was trying to avoid: their baby.

Because it always came down to that. Thinking about Ryan equaled thinking about the baby and she couldn't allow herself to think about it, about that day. Not on the day of her best friend's baby-shower.

And yet there she was, crying because of it… She hadn't been strong enough to keep it all in for just one more day. Her limits had given in because everything that was wrong in her life had decided to fuse together just to make her break down, exactly on the day she'd needed to be stronger than ever.

But she'd failed. She'd had to open up.

She still didn't understand how exactly she'd told Summer she'd lost the baby. She'd known it'd had something to do with Lindsay's visit but that was sand from another sack. She'd rather not think about her right now because that would only increase the confusion and pain inside her and she had had enough as it was, thinking about that loss… that miscarriage.

She made an effort to take a deep breath and settle down… to stop crying; but she only managed to feel breathless and end up sobbing even more than before. She was tired of crying already… she didn't like to feel vulnerable, she didn't like to feel at the expense of others but now that she'd started crying, her sobs still mixed with the thunders outside, how would she be able to stop?

"_It's gonna be ok…"_ Summer said tracing circles in her back to soothe her _"It's going to be ok…"_

Taylor ran a hand through her eyes to clean the tears. She desperately wanted to believe everything would be ok, but the truth was, nothing had been ok for the past nine months. She'd liked to believe things had been that way for a reason… that it was what it was because it was for the best… but right then, crying, she realized those had only been crutches that had supported the weight of her heavy burdens… things she'd forced herself to believe just to get through the day. Nothing was ok… she'd hoped things would be ok in the long run but everything seemed to be worse than before… how did Summer know things would be different this time?

"_How do you know?"_ she said clearing her throat while letting go of Summer. _"You said so yourself… I'm not ok…"_

"_But you're letting me in now…"_ Summer said, her voice a little heavy from watching Taylor's face… her make up ruined by the tears. _"That's a step…"_

"_But it doesn't change anything…" _Taylor said shaking her head from side to side_ "Everything still happened…"_

Summer sighed. There were few times in her life where she didn't know what to do or say. Out of the four of them, she was usually the calmed one who was able to look at things objectively and solve every problem the most reasonable way. But honestly, she was trying to digest the fact that her best friend had had a miscarriage; and being pregnant herself, she couldn't possibly imagine how torn apart Taylor must've been during all that time. For this problem in particular, nothing she could say or do would make things better… All she was left to do was just be there… listen to her and support her now that Taylor had finally given her the chance…

"_I just wish I could've been there for you from the beginning…"_

Taylor instantly felt how the look on Summer's face switched from reassuring to sympathetic and it broke her heart to see that now, not even Summer knew what to say… She knew Summer would've been at her side every step of the way without judging her or questioning her… but she couldn't tell anyone… she wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

"_I wish I could've let you in…"_ Taylor said while she looked at her fingernails nervously…

"_Why didn't you tell me?"_ Summer said in a sweet and kind tone. _"Did you feel like you couldn't trust me? Was it because I am pregnant too?"_

"_It wasn't that I couldn't trust you…"_ Taylor said shaking her head a little _"And it wasn't about you being pregnant… at least not at first. When all of that happened we didn't know you were pregnant"_

Summer realized that Taylor had gone through that almost nine months before. And on top of dealing with something as awful as that, she'd had to do it alone because that had been close to the time of her break up with Ryan…

"_Wait…"_ she said realization dawning on her.

She was able to see now that Taylor's miscarriage had at least something to do with that break up. But if it was that way… then things were a lot more complicated! Ryan wouldn't have broken up with Taylor because she'd had a miscarriage! That was just… wrong! Not to mention that that wasn't the Ryan Atwood she considered as her friend. That clashed with everything Ryan was known for! If Ryan would've known about that miscarriage, he wouldn't have left Taylor… let alone had started dating Lindsay...

Her skills for putting two and two together were paying off… but strangely, she was wishing they wouldn't have. There was only a way Ryan had broken up with Taylor, as mad at her as he'd ended up, if she'd had a miscarriage… 1° if he didn't know… and 2°… no way!

"_What did you tell Ryan__ when you broke up, Taylor?"_ Summer said, her eyes revealing a little fear because she was getting the picture of what had happened. _"I'm sorry if I'm pushing you too much… it's just that I really need to understand this…"_

It surprised Taylor how fast Summer had picked up the pace of what was going on. But what surprised her most was the fact that, even though she knew this was a painful subject for her, she wasn't pulling back… she didn't feel pushed or pressured. She was expecting her tongue to have a life of its own at any second and start rambling nonsense or making an attempt to change the subject… but surprisingly she wasn't doing it. It'd been as if her brain had sent a signal to her body saying that as much as this was gonna be tough, it was something that was necessary. For the first time in longer than she could remember, Taylor felt the need to talk about her feelings… about everything that had happened. If she'd already let the gates of her heart smash open, then she might as well say everything her heart carried inside…

So she took Summer's hand and said: _"You're not pushing me… it's better if I say it all now."_

"_I just don't want you to__ tell me because you feel obligated or because you HAVE to…"_ Summer said in a reassuring tone, letting Taylor know that she wasn't gonna push her if she still felt she wasn't ready…

But it was now or never…

"_In ways… I do have to…"_ Taylor said while she took in a deep breath. She knew this wasn't gonna be easy. She knew it was gonna be tough because she was finally going to exteriorize her reasons for acting the way she'd been acting: so different from the girl she'd once been. In levels, telling all to Summer would make this a lot more real than it already was… but hopefully it'll give her a chance to move on…

Hopefully, remembering will give her a chance to forget.

She sighed for the last time, completely sure that tears were gonna keep flowing later on, but hoping this would be the last time she'd had to cry over this.

Summer took Taylor's deep breath as a signal that she really needed to let go of her pain… but she was gonna need a lot of help to do it. She'd known that Taylor, this Taylor that was sitting beside her on the couch, wasn't good with words anymore… This Taylor was a wounded girl who'd had to go through a lot, and who hadn't said anything in this long time not because she didn't want to exactly… but because the words that she would say would be stronger than her… so strong that they could actually kill her, just like they were doing now. So she squeezed her hand a little harder to let her know that she wasn't going through this alone anymore, and that she was gonna try for her to say as little as possible in an effort to make her hurt less even if her attempts were gonna be in vain.

"_You didn't tell him about the miscarriage, did you?"_ Summer said trying to help Taylor with her sentences.

Taylor felt the thick knot in her throat increase in size. Like a slide show in her head, all this bunch of images from that night, the night they'd broken up, started playing up. How she'd been debating herself during the course of the day what to tell him… if it was best to tell him the truth, attaching him to a relationship that he didn't seem to value anymore, or lying to him in order for him to be free.

She'd remembered pacing around the room, thick tears rolling through her face incessantly while a whole bunch of scenarios formed in her head. Thousands of questions were thrown in the air, questions like: _"Does he still feel something for me, or is he falling in love with Lindsay? Would it change things if he knew I was pregnant? And if he knows I was pregnant and miscarried his child, would he stay with me because he loves me? Or because he thinks I need him?"_ But all of those questions had only been answered by the silence in her apartment, leaving her to end up in the couch, sitting in the dark. Her body and her soul had been drained from every wish to keep living… looking into nothingness like he'd eventually found her.

Suddenly, she didn't feel like saying words… and thousands of tears came springing from her eyes while she squeezed them in a hopeless effort to stop it from hurting… To answer Summer's question, she only managed to shake her head from side to side while she bit her lip and took a deep breath to stop herself from sobbing.

Summer realized this was much harder for Taylor than she'd ever imagined. She couldn't stand watching Taylor so vulnerable and so devastated. Even though she'd changed and had become a completely different person, to Summer, Taylor would always be the girl who never shed tears. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she'd never seen her cry before all of this had started or because she always seemed so centered when a problem came her way. But watching her like this… seemed so… so wrong!

She was about to stop asking questions and she was about to drop it all because it was already becoming too much for her when Taylor said the exact words Summer was dreading to hear:

"_I told him I'd had an abortion…"_

"_Oh Taylor!"_ Summer said in a sweet but at the same time, frustrated tone. _"Why did you tell him that?"_

Why…

There it was, the question Taylor had been dreading to hear. It wasn't that she didn't know her reasons… sometimes she wished she didn't know them; but she did.

Sadly she did.

She was seriously afraid of that question because, that three letter word always brought her back to the past… nine months in the past… to the moment that had actually broken her apart in a way that she would never be able to recover…

-----------------------------------------

_Everything had seemed fuzzy and blurry. She hadn't been able to recall how she'd gotten there and right then, she'd been sure that she would never be able to figure it out. Her eyes had been transfixed looking at a single spot. She remembered it was a white, clean and plain spot that she'd somehow found soothing. Maybe it had been because it was the exact opposite of how__ her heart and mind felt there… lying in that hospital bed, all alone._

_Thousands of cloudy thoughts had filled her head, her throat had been feeling constricted; and her eyes had had tears that somehow hadn't been falling just yet. _

_This had been unbelievable. It'd been surreal. It'd all happened so fast, so crazily that she'd barely been able to catch up on what had been going on. She hadn't known much except that she'd been in her apartment waiting for Ryan to go to her place for a while when she'd felt cramps… horrible cramps that had rendered her to the floor and had almost made her pass out. Again, she hadn't been sure exactly of how she'd reached the phone or how she'd dialed 911… the only thing she'd known for sure had been that someone had just announced to her that her baby… her precious baby that she'd loved in silence would never be welcomed to the world. _

_It'd felt like the day before when she'd taken the test and had figured out she'd been pregnant; and even though no one but herself knew about that baby's existence the past 5 weeks, she loved that creature above all… no matter what circumstances surrounded her with Ryan. Every time things had gotten weird and she'd felt herself cry because Ryan hadn't been with her, for some strange reason she'd always found peace on that baby… and now it was gone._

_It'd all happened so fast…_

_Suddenly, she'd felt short of breath, her heart had started beating faster and she'd felt a tear run through her cheek. It hadn't mattered that she'd only carried life inside her for 5 weeks… that had been her baby; hers and Ryan's._

_More tears had started rolling down her face and then, right then, she'd realized she hadn't been able to handle that on her own. She hadn't been strong enough to do so and honestly, she never would be. But who would she call? Summer had been on her honeymoon with Seth… Kaitlin had been in college and she hadn't felt comfortable calling anyone else. Only another name had popped to her head._

_Ryan._

_It'd felt strange because she'd never considered him as her last resort ever. Even when she hadn't known him that much, she'd trusted him enough to pull him into the "French lawyer/divorce" debacle back when they'd started dating. It'd felt weird that now, with their own baby, it'd been quite the inner battle to consider him as an option. But right then… she hadn't cared. _

_In between her pain and her devastation, she'd realized that no one would be able to support her and understand her like Ryan would. At that moment she hadn't cared that she hadn't told him about being pregnant… all she needed had been him. She'd needed him for longer than she could remember now. She'd needed him during all those 5 weeks and she hadn't been sure of how she'd managed without him… _

_For a moment there she'd forgotten about why it'd been she'd never told him about her pregnancy. All she'd been able to pinpoint had been the fact that she needed him._

_No one else but him._

_So she grabbed her cell phone, and with enormous amounts of tears still in her eyelids she dialed his number and it rang. She'd felt her chest go tighter with every ring that had gone by, afraid that he wouldn't pick up… but he'd had. _

"Taylor?"_ he'd said, his voice a little surprised that she'd been calling._

"Hi…"_ she'd said trying to sound as calmed as possible… trying to control the need to cry over the phone just from hearing his voice._

"Taylor I'm so sorry…"_ he'd said, a little agitated _"I know I'm late to come over there…"

_It'd taken Taylor a moment to realize what he'd been referring to. But rapidly, she'd remembered he'd been supposed to go to her place before all of this had happened: Two hours before. _

"Ryan… I"_ she'd said clearing her throat and talking lower than usual but he hadn't seemed to pick that up. _

_He hadn't seemed to pick anything up for the last month. _

"Lindsay, come over here and check this out…"_ she'd heard some other girl say at the other end of the line and her whole world stopped. _

"Who was that?"_ Taylor had asked now forcing herself not to cry over the phone._

"That's Lindsay's roommate…"_ he'd said taking talking quickly. _"I'm just here helping her draw some stuff she needed for a project she's working on."

"You're in Lindsay's?"_ Taylor had said… her heart breaking even more than before._ "That's why you're not here?"

"I'm sorry…"_ he'd said, his tone trying to avoid a fight or an argument_ "I'll be there in half an hour…"

_Then… she'd remembered why exactly she hadn't told him about the pregnancy. Why she'd remained in silence about their child._

_It'd been because nothing about this pregnancy had been normal. Yes, she'd been thrilled once she'd taken the test and had known she was having a baby from the man she'd loved but the normality had ended there. None of the things that'd followed after had been normal. Boyfriend spending more time with ex than with actual girlfriend hadn't been normal. Noticing boyfriend had been kinda feeling "intrigued" by the ex hadn't been normal, just like hiding a 5 week pregnancy from the man you say you love had not been normal. But… there hadn't been a choice!_

_She hadn't told him because she'd been waiting for him__ to make up his mind without knowing about her pregnancy, but the days had kept going by and she'd noticed how he'd been in-between two waters, leaning to neither side completely; and if he was leaning to one of them, it definitely hadn't been her._

_That phone call proved it._

"No…"_ she'd said against her desire of him being with her facing that situation. _"I was just calling you to say that I don't feel good… I'm just gonna go to sleep…"

_He'd remained in silence for a moment and __seemed to pick up the tone in her voice hadn't been normal. _

"Are you sure…?"_ he'd asked… concern on his voice._

"No… but that's why I'm going to sleep."_ She'd said trying to sound as perky as possible. Hoping he'd see right through her façade and realize there was more in her voice… that there had been a big knot in her throat and a void in her heart that called his name from distances unknown to mankind. Hoping he'd realize he needed her as badly as she needed him…_

"Ok… I'll just come over there tomorrow afternoon…"

_But__ he hadn't…_

_------------------------------_

She still remained looking at Summer's face through her tears while she kept replaying the conversation in her head over and over again. She remembered vividly how after she'd hung up the phone she'd ended up crying inconsolably because, whether she liked it or not or whether he knew it or not, Ryan had made his choice… and it was Lindsay.

She'd remembered thinking there, lying in that bed, knees to her chest with both arms crossed around her midriff as a way of holding on to what she'd lost, that there had been no way back about it. If Ryan hadn't fallen in love with Lindsay again, he soon would do and she couldn't stand the thought of being around for that. Not after that.

Right then, her reasons had seemed so clear… all of it had made perfect sense: why she hadn't told him about being pregnant and why she would never ever tell him about having a miscarriage. She'd known that if she'd tell him how much she'd needed him there, after losing their child, he would stick with her because his sense of responsibility would kick in… not necessarily his sense of love. She'd known all about his past, she'd known all about what had happened with Theresa practically a decade ago and how he'd been willing to forget what a promising future he could have with the Cohen's and how he'd even neglected his love at the time, just to take responsibility for a baby he hadn't even been sure had been his. And even though a lot of time had passed since that… it was still the same Ryan. She'd known he would do the same thing this time because she'd known him better than he knew himself.

She hadn't been able to accept the idea that she would tie him up like that, and worse yet, she would never accept the thought that Ryan would only be with her because he felt guilty.

She'd wanted him to be happy. She'd wanted to give him the world even when the world he'd wanted wasn't with her. So she _wouldn't_ be the one to tie him up. She _definitely_ wouldn't take that role, no matter how much she'd needed him.

She loved him too much to do so.

But how would they deal with this? How would they rise above all of this? Thousands of questions had filled her head right then; and after thinking a lot about it she'd realize they couldn't survive that…

Even if Ryan and her stayed like they were, being together and even if Lindsay disappeared from their lives once more… she wouldn't be able to pretend nothing had happened. She'd needed to find a way of him being happy away from her without asking questions…

And that's when she decided to lie to him.

That way he would be away from her and still achieve happiness without needed to feel guilty or ever minding about her…

And as much as it hurt to decide he was better off with some other girl, it seemed the best option. She'd had to push him away from her. She'd had to lose him…

She loved him enough to do so.

"_Taylor…?"_ Summer asked after a while of just hearing the heavy drops outside hit the roof.

Why…

How to answer that question…? It was simple and heartbreaking… just like her life had been during all these months…

"_Because I love him too much…"_

_-----------------------------------------------_

**_Review people! You know you want to!_**


	13. When We Dared To Stay

**Author's Note:** _I'm officially in love with everyone who reviews this story! Seriously... again, two chapters in a row, you broke your own record of reviews for a story of mine! You have no idea how happy that made me feel. I'm sorry I wasn't able to update sooner but it was because I was on finals week...and... in case you all wanna know, I was elected Valedictorian for graduation on the 17th! Still... I wanted to thank you all for encouraging my writing and for saying so many nice things about Chapter 12, which was probably the most emotionally charged chapter yet, so I came up with what I think is the best filler chapter I've ever written. But as always, you'll be the ones to judge that._

_This Chapter is dedicated to CiCi... apparently the poking with the stick worked huh? lol. I know it's not what you expected, but I **Promise**__you'll get lots of Townwood interaction on the next one... You heared guys? **lots of Townwood interaction on the next one!**_

_Scroll away my dears, Scroll away!_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 13**

**When We Dared To Stay**

Raindrops kept falling everywhere and it seemed like they had no intention of stopping. It was weird because just two hours before there had been a sun in the sky and no signs of any grey clouds up there, but all of the sudden thunder and lightning was all over the place, stopping the world from going 'round and 'round, almost as though it was predicting that something bad was gonna happen…

That's what he felt like.

Ryan almost felt a wave of nervousness and unsettlement hit his body, sitting there in his bed, rubbing his temples, while a bored Seth waited for him to go back to the living room. He usually didn't like to think of himself as a paranoid guy, because he wasn't; but ever since he was a child, he'd been perfectly aware that rainy days weren't a good omen.

It'd been raining the day when Frank first got arrested when he was a kid; it'd started raining minutes after the first time Dawn had gone out drunk and hadn't come back until the next morning; it'd been raining the first time he'd broken up with Lindsay and she'd moved to Chicago… Did he need to make it any clearer?

It didn't need some shrink with a PhD to notice that for Ryan, rainy days were always related with someone exiting his life… and instead of being afraid that the last person who'd left him on a rainy day when he was 17 would go away from his life completely again… he was afraid that some other girl with a golden, sandy hair would be the one to give up on him.

Yeah, he'd admitted it at last. There wasn't a way now that Taylor would leave his head.

Since the moment Seth had gotten there and they'd realized it was best to stay in because of the "typhoon" outside, Ryan had realized that as much as he wanted to avoid it, with just one phone call, Taylor had become the main topic his neurons were discussing inside that brain of his; and even though he would never understand what it was about her that always turned his world upside down, he completely accepted the fact that it was his fear of losing her which was the reason why, on this particular day, nothing would make him change his thoughts.

She was always looking for a way out of his reach these days. He wasn't able to remember a time in his life when he'd felt her so far away, like on the karaoke night. He still couldn't understand why she'd said goodbye to him and he still couldn't figure out why she was avoiding him the way she was. Things had _just_ started going good between them… things were looking promising and since his birthday, she'd taken like twenty steps back to the point where she was cutting phone conversations short and forcing him out of her life…

And he didn't want to be out of her life… not like this.

His eyes started scanning the room while he sighed in an effort to feel less emotionally charged… but then, as if everything around him was guiding him to Taylor, his gaze became fixated on something he had seen every day during all this time, but hadn't really looked at in ages: the red scrapbook she'd given him for their first "valentine's day".

He smiled a little to himself because the irony seemed so cliché. In the past, whenever she went to Newport to visit her mom for a holiday, or when they'd had a disagreement or when he'd just plainly missed her… he would always turn back to that scrapbook because it encapsulated everything that she would always mean to him.

Yes, he'd admitted it at last; she was always gonna mean _something_ to him.

Maybe that was the reason why he couldn't let go. Yes, he wanted to understand why she'd left him out of a life-changing decision; but even he had to admit now that those questions didn't even rise within him half the passion he felt whenever he was around her. It was more than just answering questions… it was about her.

It was about her when he got up from the bed and went looking for the scrapbook. It was about her when he flipped the pages and stopped at the page which always got to him… the page that always made him react whenever he missed her and was scared of losing her…

The page that reminded him of a time where he'd known how to act beyond the fear… and do something.

-------------------------------------

_That moment in the past had been__ almost an exact replica of the present. He'd been there, sitting on the porch's stairs of the Berkeley house, closed scrapbook on his lap, brooding about her._

_There had always been__ something about that scrapbook that just made him stare at its cover for hours and hours without his thoughts drifting from Taylor. There had been something about that scrapbook that had always seemed to make his heart clench without a particular reason. He'd never been able to pinpoint what it was or why he'd feel like that but considering from whom the scrapbook had come… he hadn't cared. In fact, it'd been because of that unexplainable effect that he'd grabbed it and had taken it with him to the porch, because right then, three and a half days after he'd gotten off the train that had taken her to New York, he'd desperately needed to hold on to her… _

_To be honest, his thoughts hadn't drifted from her since the moment h__e'd gotten off in San Bernardino. As soon as his feet had touched the ground and his hand had stopped taking her own, his heart had started missing her in a way that had been so different from everything he'd known._

_Saying goodbye to Taylor had been one of the tou__ghest things he'd ever had to do, because having her in his life always equaled happiness, just like the lack of her presence had always felt like being asleep with his eyes wide open. It'd always been like that for him and even when he'd never be able to understand it, being away from her simply pained… there had been no way around it._

_He'd let out a heavy sigh escape his body while instinctively he'd glanced at the sky. It'd had a bunch of stars, all of them dimly shining, as if every ray of light they shined had been painful… And as crazy as it sounds, he'd wondered if nature had missed Taylor's presence in Berkeley as well. _

_He'd wondered what she'd been doing, if she'd been glancing at the same stars through the window of her New York hotel room before taking the boat in the morning, perhaps wondering the same things he'd been dwelling in thought too. If she'd been thinking how they would manage to live without each other for so long if only being in the same country and apart for three days seemed like a torture. He'd wondered if she'd missed him as bad as he'd missed her and maybe for the first time in his life, he'd wished for a star to answer him… _

_Taylor had had him wishing on a star. _

_That's what she'd always done to him. She'd always managed to cling deep into his soul, so much that during those six months she'd been in France before the wedding, he'd just pretended he'd had a semblance of a life but in reality he'd just been staring at stars in the night because he'd felt that it had been the only thing connecting him to her. It hadn't mattered that a break up and an entire ocean had been setting them apart, it hadn't mattered what distance or how many miles had been separating them, the same sky had been above them… And during that time, that had been enough._

_But right then, looking at the stars he'd just felt a bigger void. It'd seemed that only that hour on that sleeper car had woken up in him parts that he'd never even known he'd had. Parts that had been just longing for Taylor to discover and once she had, glancing at the sky and feeling that it was his only connection with her would never be enough. It just couldn't be enough when he'd just had her in his arms and had felt her body; heart and mind declare her love for him in a thousand different ways… _

_He'd been dying to feel something else, to have another sign that would put him out of his misery and this heartache of missing her so__ much, when he'd opened the scrapbook and there it had been… that page that had always made things clear for him… the hospital bracelets._

_There had been something about that page that had always made his heart react even when his mind and body hadn't. Every time his eyes had landed on their names so close to each other, he couldn't help but feel that was the way things were supposed to be… but his lack of speed on reasoning, and sometimes his fear, had never let him see things so crystal clear as they'd been in that moment. _

_He'd loved her… he'd loved her__ and he couldn't just settle with missing her for so long, because truth had been he'd tasted the loneliness and misery of having her away from him and he'd known he wouldn't be able to handle that again. He'd wanted her to be wherever he was, and if at the end of the day she'd really wanted to go to France, then he'd just have to go with her… because just like that Chrismukkah where they both fell off the roof, "people who have comas together, stay together"_

_And he'd wanted her to stay._

_An onslaught of adrenaline had run through his body while he'd closed the scrapbook and had gotten into his car, finally determined to make a move and not let her get out of his reach now… finally seeing how simple things had been._

_How much time it'd taken him to convince the Bullit to lend him his jet again after only five days, or how slo__w he felt the hours until he actually got to New York, he'd never know. All he'd known and will always remember about that moment, would be the cold hands he'd gotten during the whole flight there, how nervous and excited he'd been because he'd actually do something not because she'd been expecting it, but because the exact opposite._

_Once he'd gotten to the hotel she'd been staying in, he'd taken the stairs because the elevators had seem to be too slow for him. He'd needed to get a hold of her because he couldn't stand the hole in his heart for the lack of her presence. The shorter the distance between them, the stronger the need to kiss her and to tell her everything he'd been thinking because he hadn't wanted for stars or for bracelets to tell her… he hadn't wanted to wait anymore and let her go out of his grasp before he'd gotten a chance to say with actual words and actions that he'd been unable to live his life to the fullest because there had been a piece of the puzzle missing. _

_Her._

_Once he'd gotten to the door of her room, he'd knocked on it with what had seemed to be all the strength he'd had in him… he'd felt like it'd taken her so long to finally open the door, when in reality it might've only been a couple of minutes… but when she'd finally been right in front of him it'd seemed like the whole world had lightened up. She'd looked so beautiful with just a robe, her golden locks falling over her shoulders and her ivory skin looking so pure without make up on, that he'd just had to confirm how accurate his heart had been when it had decided he just couldn't live with missing her… he'd had to have her by his side always and he wouldn't rest until fate would give him what he'd asked for…_

"Ryan, what are you –, _had been all she'd managed to say before his lips crashed into hers, his kiss and the passion in it forcing her to take a little step back, leaving her with no other choice but to guide her hands to his face while his own had just molded to the perfect curve of her waist… as if they'd been made for that spot…_

_Before the kiss had had the chance to become a road without a return, the pulsating beat of his heart made sure of telling him why he'd been there in the first place… he'd remembered that as much as he'd wanted to keep kissing her even until his own lips would start bleeding, he'd had something he'd wanted to say…_

_And once he pulled away from the kiss without letting his hands leave the spot on her waist, he'd finally said everything that had needed to be said… everything that had been necessary for taking a leap to the unknown and to reach down into her heart…_

"Stay…"

_Hazel and Blue just met each other as if it'd been the first time, neither of them daring to blink, as if afraid of blinking would make them realize all of this had been just one big dream, product of both their longings and the thousand__ of wishes they'd thrown at the sky in hope of seeing them fulfilled one day… _

_His gaze had never strayed from hers, as he'd tightened ever so slightly his grip on her waist, knowing all the way that whatever her answer would be, it wouldn't make a difference… they'd been meant to be and that had been all that mattered._

_For how long they'd stayed there… her hazel eyes swimming in his intense pool of blue, would never have mattered either, because as soon as she'd tilted her head forward and had kissed him slowly, not as fiercely as he'd kissed her seconds earlier but perhaps more intensely, their fate had been sealed…_

_That kiss had felt like home… so in ways, they'd both stayed…_

------------------------------------------------------

As the sound of the rain kept pounding on his eardrums, without realizing it, his hands had balled up turning into fists, showing to the four walls surrounding him that that memory had triggered in him something that he should've noticed a long time ago. There had been a lot of similarities between that moment five years before and the situation they were in now. Just like that night sitting on the porch, he'd resorted to the same scrapbook as a way to hold on to her, because in levels he'd felt that she'd been slipping away with every second that had gone by; just like that night on the porch every breath he drew out of his lungs was an unspoken "I miss you" and just like that night… watching those bracelets had produced a reaction in him; the only difference was that this reaction had been different from the one in the past… Now, he was angry.

During the past nine months she'd been trying to get away from him and she'd successfully done it because he'd let her… He'd just stared from afar at how she'd been taking steps back without doing anything to stop her, without him daring to break the walls she'd been building against him. Without an understandable reason, he'd just watched her turn on her heels and leave his life… just like she would've if he hadn't asked her to stay.

He knew she would've gone to France the next morning if he hadn't gone to find her in New York that night. He knew that as much as she would've wanted him to ask her to stay, she would've taken that boat because she'd been passed the phase where she'd stalked him emotionally; she'd stopped pushing him into doing stuff unless he'd felt ready or unless he'd wanted them, even when she'd wanted him to show her how emotionally involved he was in that relationship…

He used to know all of that.

But how come he'd just stood there, making no attempts whatsoever to push past her boundaries and stay with her as he'd promised himself he would? He'd used to know that when silence was the way she chose for communication, it was because something big was upsetting her and she'd wanted him to find it out.

All of the sudden, his brain started connecting dots and he realized there might've been more in common with the past and the present than he'd foreshadowed. During the last nine months she'd kept silence as a way to pull back from him, and he was able to see now that maybe the reason why she'd done it was because there had been something she'd wanted him to notice on his own. In the past he'd always tried to hear everything she wasn't saying and even read between the lines because he used to avoid feeling far from her. But somewhere along the line he'd stopped, letting his anger and confusion blind him; while she'd just taken the opportunity to run away…

From every angle he chose to look at it, he'd been the one to let her run away and that was the reason why he was mad now. If he'd sworn to himself he wouldn't live a life where he'd had to miss her, where he'd had to be afraid of losing her, then why had he just forgotten about those little things that made her the woman he fell in love with…?

The woman he was still in love with…

Mysteriously, for more than a second the sound of the drops hitting the roof was replaced with the beat of his own heart. His hands started sweating as his brain just kept repeating over and over again the last sentence he'd just thought: _"The woman I'm still in love with"._ That reasoning almost shocked him because he sure as hell wasn't expecting to come to that realization. He'd thought that he'd needed to understand her before he could admit there was something else in there, but truth was that just like that night, staring at those bracelets had made the things that were important, crystal clear for him: he still loved her…

Without really realizing it, Ryan had just come to a resolve: it didn't matter how much she'd changed, or that she wanted him out of her life… because just like that night when he'd had a firm hold of her waist while his eyes had gotten lost in the colors of her own, whatever choice she'd make to try to cut him out, would never matter…

Sitting there on his bed, just like that night, the need of reaching her at all costs started increasing and at the same time, the blindfold placed on his eyes started getting looser and looser. Looking at those bracelets, their names so close to each other, the feeling of perfection and that that was the way they were supposed to be started possessing him in a different way. Yes, he still needed to understand her and discover what it was he knew now she could be hiding, but the main and important thing was that he would stop letting her run away… because he wanted her to be wherever he was… and if she didn't want to be where he was… then he would have to go to her…

One way or the other.

He wouldn't let the rain be a bad omen when it came to Taylor… he knew he had to reach her and he made that his top priority…

Taylor Townsend was and will always be the number one girl occupying his mind… whether he chose her to be or not. And once again… he was determined to go until the end of the world if it was necessary because he wouldn't settle with just missing her…

He wouldn't let her leave his life…

He was about to get up from the bed and start taking action when the familiar buzzing sound of his cell phone distracted him.

"_Ryan? Is that you?"_ Taylor's nervous voice sounded at the end of the line, and suddenly, the adrenaline that was rushing through him because he'd just been on his way to see her, was transformed into a state of alert while he prayed to the same stars that had listened to him so long ago that everything would be ok with her…

"_Taylor? What's wrong? Are you ok?"_ he said in one breath while his heart started pounding on his throat as he sensed that the state of alarm in her voice didn't seem to go anywhere.

"_Yeah… everything's fine. I was just calling you guys..."_ she said at the same fast furious speed she used when they'd been together. It still wasn't good enough to calm Ryan's heart so he asked: _"What's going on? Do you need me to come over there?"_

"_Actually… no…"_ she said still in that nervous tone that by now was making Ryan crazy. He wasn't able to distinguish if it was now because he'd suggested to go to her or because of whatever was happening there _"I'm gonna need you guys to go to the hospital"_

As soon as he heard the word 'hospital' his senses went into overdrive. What the hell was going on?

"_Hospital? What do you mean hospital? Are you ok?"_ he said again, the worried state of his soul being obvious for the girl at the other side of the line.

She obviously realized he was worried sick about her, and that her rushing tone wasn't helping him to be calmed… so just like she'd done every day since she'd met him, she just tried to ease his confusion while she whispered softly: _"Ryan, I'm ok… take it easy…"_

As soon as he heard her melodic voice just speaking that softly, he couldn't help but reply in the same volume and tenderness: _"Then what's wrong?"_

He waited a little anxiously because she took a couple of seconds to respond his answer. But once she'd answered, perhaps for the first time during all those months, he realized why she'd taken time to compose herself before the words came rolling from her tongue…

"_Summer's having the baby…"_

Because once he heard 'baby' and remembered how much time had passed since they'd broken up… he'd needed a little time to compose himself too…

Because they could have been the one's having a baby…


	14. What Could Have Been

**Author's Note: **_Guess who??? That's right! Me! (lol)... Ok. So seriously guys!!! have I told you how amazing you are lately? Because you ARE! I loved all the reviews I got on the last chapter. It was seriously rewarding... you have no idea how much. Hope this one gets as much, (or more winks) reviews!_

_Now, This is my last post for the year. I think you all know me a little by now and you know I can't just pass an opportunity like this without thanking the people who have made this what it is... It's been such a ride to be able to share this piece of me with you guys during half of this year. Technically, I'm new to the fan fiction world and you guys have welcomed with open arms three of my projects... and that's something I can't overlook. You've been amazing, and even through my darkest hours, you've helped to cheer me up by holding this close to your hearts. I wanna thank all of you subscribers who read this chapter after chapter... and I wanna thank as well those who review faithfully... you have no idea how you've changed my life._

_Merry Belated Christmukkah and Happy Advanced New Year!!! lol... scroll away!!!_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 14**

**What Could Have Been**

Seconds were sliding one after the other. Thousands of sounds were mixed together as hundreds of people were running around from one place to the next, their features becoming blurry for the ones remaining still, turning his entire surroundings into one haze of confusion and desperation where you could hardly find peace.

It was because of that reason that Ryan had always hated hospitals. Just like the rain always brought sour memories, being in hospitals wasn't a picnic either. When he was a teenager he'd done his fair share of hospital visits, and almost none of them had brought something good into his life, and even though he was sitting there in the waiting room, expecting his brother to come out any second to give some amazing news about his niece or nephew, he was also expecting that little part of him which always got dragged by the haze and which always felt unease, to spring right out of him…

But surprisingly… it wasn't.

In the midst of all the confusion and the blurry faces of people who were going so fast they seemed to be in slow motion, there was a scene that was captivating his eyes, bewitching him in a way that was giving him so much peace as it unchained from his chest sighs that he'd never even contemplated on releasing.

He'd known that Taylor could take his breath away by hardly doing a thing. God only knew how many times he'd felt short of breath in the past by only watching the rise and fall of her chest whenever she was asleep, so he wasn't that surprised about the bewildering affect her beauty and simplicity could bring to his heart… but watching her sitting across from him with a five year old dormant Sophie on her lap was all kinds of different.

He watched in complete silence as, being careful not to move Sophie too much, she pulled her hair up a little before letting it fall completely on her right shoulder so its wavy ends wouldn't be above Sophie's face and disturb her sleep. She'd done it so slowly but at the same time so fluidly, with such tenderness but at the same time so securely, that it marveled him just as if it would've been the first time he'd seen her doing that.

It didn't matter how many times he'd seen the same scene in the past, it always astonished him too see Taylor interact with his sister. He wasn't sure of how or why, but Sophie had always looked up to Taylor in a completely different way than she'd look up to Summer or even Kirsten. Maybe it was because Taylor always found a balance between being strict and amicable with kids, or because she was always fun to hang out with, or simply because, most of the time, she was a five year old wrapped up in a woman's body; either way… every time Sophie would so much as land eyes on Taylor, the mini-Kirsten would run to her arms, her tiny face with the most giant smile and forget everyone else around her existed.

And that night, it hadn't been any different. As soon as Sandy and Kirsten had arrived with her at the hospital, the little girl had practically glued herself to Taylor, and even when it was reaching past her bedtime, the girl had completely refused to be in her dad's arms, bringing her to fall asleep in Taylor's lap like it usually had happened whenever Taylor had been in the Berkeley house hanging with the Cohen's, around the time when Sophie was just three years old.

But, sitting there watching the scene across from him, what actually put a knot on his heart and made him feel a lump in his throat was that when he saw Taylor's face… she'd been in a complete state of bliss by watching the even breaths of his sister as she slept peacefully…

Watching her there, a big smile on her face while she'd gently stroke Sophie's curls, made him realize perhaps for the first time, that it wasn't just that Sophie admired Taylor; Taylor also admired Sophie… she loved Sophie… She just loved kids.

It'd been obvious whenever she'd taken Sophie and Nathan to the park to play, or whenever she'd taken them to get ice cream, to the movies, or when she'd simply babysat them with Ryan himself. She'd always had that motherly instinct for protecting them and knowing what was right for them… and most importantly, she enjoyed being with them. The smiles those kids produced on her and the way her eyes lit up every time they'd smile because of something she'd done, had always made Ryan feel lucky when he'd been dating her… because deep inside him… he'd known that Taylor was the exact woman he wanted as the mother of his children.

But now, watching the way her eyes lit up watching Sophie just breathe in and out, interrupted immediately the state of peace he'd found himself into just a few seconds earlier. Suddenly he remembered everything… their baby, what could've been their future… she could've been the mother of his children just like he'd wanted her to be… just like he still wanted her to be; but for some reason he still couldn't pinpoint why she'd been the one who hadn't wanted that.

Suddenly the haze of confusion started enveloping him, the sounds of the rain becoming almost everything his ears could hear while the people around him seemed to dance in a whirlwind that was mixed with his long lost dreams… all because his eyes were still focused on the girl with whom he could've had, at that exact second, everything he'd wished for… just because he couldn't stop staring at the girl he loved beyond the broken dreams he was still trying to figure out.

He still loved her in spite everything… and maybe that was the reason why he just couldn't stop staring at her, no matter how dizzy and confused he might've been feeling those last hours. He just hadn't been able to stop loving her even when she'd gotten rid of their baby, even when he'd had the chance of a lifetime dating another girl who could've very well been pulled out of his dreams, even when all this time had passed… even when he'd promised himself he wouldn't fall head over heels with her again until he understood the reason of her abortion… he'd still love her and had realized just a few hours earlier that he'd never stopped…

And it was because of that, that he'd just have to find a way to talk to her that night… even when she'd told him that afternoon that they wouldn't talk that day…

Just at that second she lifted up her head and her eyes just locked with his… and staring down into her soul, he made sure of telling her that he would talk to her… not eventually, but as soon as she would stand up from that chair…

And she understood.

Her warm and calmed eyes suddenly started reflecting a hint of fear while inwardly, the whole world stopped. She knew what Ryan meant by that look. She'd learned to read his glares and glances, and even when it felt like it was a million years ago they'd been together, she just couldn't shake knowing what he meant by just staring into his eyes.

This day had been so heavy on her… a lot had happened during its first twelve hours it didn't seem to be giving any indication of ending. It'd all started by psyching herself into planning a baby shower that just brought her sadness, then a whole female power battle that had brought her to pour her heart out to Summer and revealing how she'd had a miscarriage, and now… she was just reliving what could've been her life if fate had played her cards fairly. She was in a hospital waiting room expecting news of her best friend's baby while holding a girl in her lap…

She was in direct connection with all the 'might've-been' that had been left unresolved in her life, barely coming to terms with the way her life had played out, barely handling the heartache by enjoying fleeting moments of ignorance while holding on to Sophie… and now, the man she'd desperately tried to say goodbye to because his presence just ripped her life out from within her, was there, menacing… wanting answers she just didn't feel like giving yet.

Sure, she'd told Summer… but facing the person who can be your brightest angel and your coldest demon at the same time wouldn't be that easy… and she'd just handled enough heartache for the day… why wouldn't fate agree?

Her eyes just strayed from his because looking at him would make her break. After all, she still had her eyes a little puffy for crying her life out just a few hours earlier… she didn't need to cry anymore, not in front of him…

So she thanked whoever had listened to her prayers when Seth came out to the waiting room, and at the same time, Kirsten removed Sophie from her lap without waking her up…

"_So…?"_ An expectant Sandy rushed to his son while Taylor looked at Ryan one last time as they both rose from the chairs to meet Seth.

"_It's a boy…"_ Seth said with a grin on his face, with a sigh barely audible… as if trying to make the news sink in for himself too.

"_What?"_ a grinning Ryan said while he hugged his brother and patted him on the back _"That's great man…"_

"_Another man in the Cohen family!"_ Sandy said proudly as he hugged his son too.

"_I'm so happy for you Seth…"_ Kirsten said from the chair she was sitting in with Sophie, careful not to wake her up.

"_You've successfully reproduced Seth…"_ Taylor said with a genuine but at the same time vague smile as she made her way in between Sandy and Ryan. _"But, the credit is not only yours… how's Summer?"_

"_She's in the room… you can go see her"_ Seth said pointing the way to Summer's room.

Suddenly, the panic look on Taylor's eyes was evident for everyone in the waiting room to see, and Ryan noticed it…

"_Umm… I don't think that's such a good idea right now…"_ she said stumbling with her own words and looking to all places. _"She must be all kinds of tired and I don't want to disturb her"_

"_Yeah, she must be tired but she'll be happy to see you Taylor…"_ Kirsten said with a smile while gesturing to her lap _"In fact, you can be the first one to go in there and tell me how handsome my grandson is, since I'm here with his aunt…"_

She wasn't sure why, but she immediately looked for Ryan's eyes, as if expecting him to bail her out of being the first one to see the baby. Out of all of them, he was the one who knew she'd been pregnant nine months before too, but then she immediately looked to the floor when she remembered he didn't know the whole truth… he couldn't possibly understand how painful and bittersweet it would be for her to go in there on her own.

"_Yeah, I have to fill some papers here in the reception… you can take care of her for a while…"_ Seth said totally oblivious of the look of desperation flooding Taylor's hazel orbs.

Ryan just looked at her and once again… his mind found that there was something not quite right about her reaction. Yeah, he knew she'd had an abortion… but the look on her face wasn't of someone who'd just done things coldly as he'd thought once in the past… she was scared. Completely and utterly scared…

He was about to suggest going in there with her… when she just sighed, and with a smile that no one other than him noticed to be fake, she nodded and said: _"Ok… let's see the next generation Cohen…"_ and with her arms tucked around her midriff and her head looking to the floor the entire time, he witnessed how she slowly walked her way to Summer's room… and how heavily she sighed while she rested her body in the door's frame before going in.

It was always like that with her. He could see something wasn't right. But every time he as much as thought of helping her out, of reaching out to her, she just pretended everything was fine and walked far away from him.

He let out a sigh perhaps as heavy as the one he'd seen coming out of her while he kissed Sophie's forehead before going into the reception area with Seth.

"_How surreal is this?"_ Seth said once he felt Ryan's presence leaning against the reception counter beside him.

"_What?"_ Ryan said smiling to his brother, knowing what he was talking about.

"_Dude… I'm just filling in some papers about a baby Cohen… and it's not Sophie!"_ Seth said gesturing to the paper that was right there in front of him, as if realization was just dawning on him _"I'm someone's… dad."_

"_You're gonna be fine…"_ Ryan said almost laughing as he patted his brother's back, but at the same time looking at him carefully just in case he'd have a meltdown of some sort.

"_Man… Mom wouldn't even let me go near Sophie when she was all tiny and mushy because she was afraid I would drop her! And she doesn't even let me go to the mall with her now that she's five because she's afraid I'll leave her in the grocery store! And you're telling me I'll do fine?! Dude… this is serious!"_ Seth said rambling and gesturing in a funny matter…

"_You're gonna be fine Seth…"_ Ryan said in a serious matter, as always forgetting his own issues to help his brother with his… _"You had an excellent upbringing… you had Sandy and Kirsten, and most importantly, you have Summer… that kid's really lucky…"_

"_That still doesn't compensate for me forgetting kids in a mall…"_ Seth said while he looked at the floor for a second and then at Ryan.

"_Then let Summer do the shopping…"_ Ryan said as if it was the obvious solution. _"Everything will be fine…"_

"_Thanks…"_ Seth said while he squeezed Ryan's shoulder tightly and continued writing on the forms. _"You're gonna be a great dad one day man…"_

It was those words the one's that cut deep into Ryan's heart. _"You're gonna be a great dad"_ How would he ever know that? He'd always had insecurities about taking care of somebody else's life but… just like he'd said; Seth had Summer, Sandy had Kirsten… and he used to have Taylor. The same woman who had been the mother of his child and had denied him the right of being a father… how was he supposed to believe he would be a great parent if the woman he loved had decided he didn't deserve to be someone's dad?

His eyes got lost into nothingness, into all the why's, what-if's, if-only's, and what-could've-been's that were still hanging in the balance…

"_Dude, are you ok?"_ Seth asked after a while of looking at Ryan's lost exterior.

"_No… I don't think I have been ok at all today…"_ Ryan said earnestly perhaps for the first time in so long.

"_I'm sorry… anything I can do to help?"_ Seth said as he put the pen down and gave the paper to the receptionist.

"_Do you happen to own a time machine so we can go nine months in the past and change things?"_ Ryan said… his eyes lost in the door's frame he'd last seen Taylor.

"_Ahh… the break up…"_ Seth said as he tried to figure out what was going on inside Ryan's mind.

"_No…"_ Ryan said as he did his best to swallow the knot in his throat. _"The night when she told me she'd had an abortion and instead of staying there… I walked away."_

How to look at someone who just left you speechless? How to find the courage to look them in the eyes and say things will get better when you know, in between all your happiness, you can't possibly understand the confessions they'd just made?

That's exactly how Summer and Seth felt in that exact instant… both of them handling the confessions of two broken hearts, both of them, one in the reception area and the other in her hospital room, staring at the eyes of someone who could've had what they had… who could've been living their life…

The moment Summer saw Taylor walking in, her exhausted eyes went into a state of alarm that was quite impressive considering what she's just went through…

"_What are you doing here?"_ Summer said sternly but at the same time sounding so fragile…

"_Taking care of you…"_ Taylor said with a half smile while she sat in the chair beside Summer's bed.

"_Cohen sent you… I'm so gonna kick his ass…"_ Summer said weakly but you could see the anger in her eyes.

"_It wasn't him… it was Kirsten."_ Taylor said as she sighed. _"But you can kick Seth's ass just for the heck of it…"_

"_I'm sorry…"_ Summer said but was quickly cut off by Taylor…

"_I won't have you apologizing for having my nephew ok?"_ she said raising a finger at her. _"I'm a bulldozer… I'll be fine."_

"_It's just that after all you've been through today…"_ Summer said, again being cut off by Taylor.

"_Cohen! Shut up and show me that baby…"_ Taylor said as quickly as possible, smiling all the way through her ears, trying for her heart not to feel at the verge of another breakdown just from seeing the nephew she already loved with her heart and soul…

"_He's here in his crib…"_ Summer said while she reluctantly pointed to the crib on the other side of her bed.

Taylor felt a rush of adrenaline going down her spine as she rose from the chair to walk to the other side of the bed. If there was gonna be a tough moment for her in her life it was gonna be this… but at the same time it was a pain she was willing to suffer because it implied holding the baby that would be everything she would own close in her heart as if he had been her own.

Taking that baby in her arms as she stared at his pretty cheeks and the black locks of hair he'd been born with, her lips formed a smile as her eyes formed tears… tears that her heart was still trying to figure out if they were from happiness or from yet another bleeding wound that had never scarred quite well on her soul's edges.

As Summer continued to stare at Taylor holding her son, not sure of what to do or say… Seth kept staring at Ryan as he blurted out the story of how he and Taylor would've been parents by that point in time as well; not sure of what to say either.

He'd known that Taylor and Ryan had had a nasty break up but he hadn't known it'd been because of something like this. An abortion? From the only grown up who always made sense to children and who, most importantly, thought kids made sense?

Something was wrong there… really wrong.

"_Ok… let me get this straight… you never talked to her?"_ Seth said trying to make all the information he'd heard sink in.

"_No… I just stormed off, and since Lindsay had just said __that she wanted to be with me… I went straight to her…"_ Ryan said, his voice sounding full of regret.

"_You gotta talk to her man…"_ Seth said _"that's all I'm gonna say"_

"_Why?"_ Ryan asked intrigued… he was expecting Seth to make a catastrophe of epic proportions out of this information.

"_Because well…"_ he said after a long sigh. _"She's been a friend during all this time, and you're my brother… besides, I'm someone's dad now and I think is time for me to stop meddling in other's people's business… what I do know… is that you need to talk to her…"_ he finished, hoping Ryan would understand that being there alone with Summer and his son, was probably killing Taylor in a way that was so nostalgic and so… heartbreaking.

She was there, holding the baby in her arms, gushing and awing while she felt how the baby held on tight to her forefinger. It was then when she felt a tear running through her cheek…

"_Are you ok?"_ was all Summer could ask.

"_Umm… yeah"_ Taylor said as she cleaned the tear with a wide smile on her face. _"Does this little guy here has a name yet?"_ she said in baby voice while she looked mesmerized to her nephew.

Summer just smiled absently, while she focused her eyes on her beautiful son, who looked just like his father and said: _"Well… we're naming him Samuel…"_

"_Samuel… Summer, Seth and Samuel… another 'S' to the mix…"_ Taylor said while she looked at Summer for a second with a wide smile and her eyes still covered in tears.

"_Well… we thought it was appropriate…"_ Summer said with a half smiled while she rested her head on the pillow and watched as her best friend rocked her son softly…

"_Hey there Samuel… hi…"_ Taylor said as she drifted off to a world of her own, talking to the little baby in her arms as he still had a firm grip on her finger. _"I'm your aunt Taylor… that's right… yeah… you're crazy, wacky Aunt Taylor, who happens to love you very much…"_

It was as if by looking at the baby, Taylor had had a clear sight of how things would've been like. Yeah, she knew that as soon as she'd set foot in that room, things were gonna be tough but at the same time so… so happy. There wasn't a way you could look at that baby's lips or little fingers without smiling… he was just so beautiful, tiny and defenseless that her only wish while holding him was taking care of him… protecting him in her arms for as long as it was possible…

But just like she couldn't help smiling, her eyes couldn't stop forming tears because as happy as this moment was, it was tainted with the memories of how things could change so badly… how all the things you think are safe and that will always be there no matter what, suddenly one day, are ripped out from your hands because a single person decided to meddle in like it'd happen with Ryan… or because well, life just threw you a curved ball, like it happened with her baby…

The baby she could've been holding right then…

She stole a glance at Summer, and noticed she'd fallen asleep… it was just her and Samuel for now, she thought.

"_Your__ mommy just fell asleep huh?"_ she said while she just looked at Samuel's big brown eyes that he'd just happened to open up for a second or so. _"It's just you and me now… so as I was saying… I'm always gonna be here for you… you're gonna be so loved. You have a terrific mom and a dad who's a child on the inside… and I'm gonna be here even if loving you breaks my heart ok?"_ she paused while she cleaned another strayed tear from her cheek…

"_And… if loving you hurts your aunt too much, then you'll have your uncle Ryan… who can teach you so many things…"_ she said as the knot in her throat became much thicker _"he's so smart… and you'll have a blast hanging out with him. He can teach you how to beat your dad on video games… and what's best… he'll listen to you… he's gonna love you just as much as I will…"_

She would've loved to tell him so many other things… but by that point, the knot in her throat had become so big… and the amounts of tears falling were beginning to become uncontainable. So in an effort to calm down, she sighed and glanced at the ceiling… her eyes looking so lost and so tired for the one who'd been staring at the whole scene leaning against the door's frame, pretending he hadn't been there…

Ryan.

Listening to her saying all those things about how an amazing person he'd be to that baby almost broke his heart. She still thought he would make a great parent… and even though she hadn't said it with those exact words, he knew her enough to tell what she meant with everything she'd just told that baby…

His heart broke into a thousand million pieces when he saw a sparkle coming from her eyes and noticed she'd been crying. He should've known a lot sooner that this would be a tough time for her, so he immediately walked into the room and made his presence noticeable for her…

"_Hey…"_ he said softly and calmly… trying to contain the want of holding her and also his need of talking to her like Seth had suggested.

"_Hi…"_ she said quickly cleaning her face, and standing up to leave Samuel in his crib again.

"_How's he doing?"_ he asked taking a step closer to her while she carefully placed Samuel on the crib and covered him with a blanket.

"_He's doing alright I guess…"_ she said smiling a little while she contemplated Summer's little miracle. _"He's not a crier apparently… he's been calm the whole time I've been here…"_

"_Ok… that's not Seth's kid…"_ Ryan said with a half smile…

"_Yeah… I was gonna go over to the reception to see if they hadn't __mixed the babies up…"_ Taylor said smiling too… for a second forgetting about how difficult it was being in the same room with Ryan and a baby.

"_Although he has Seth's curly hair…"_ Ryan said as he carefully ran his hand through the baby's hair and it accidentally brushed Taylor's hand.

"_Yeah… he does…"_ she said while she did her best to pretend the chemistry that had run through her veins at the slight touch of Ryan's hand on hers hadn't happened.

They fell into a silence they had a while of not experiencing… until it all became too much for Ryan. All of the sudden, everything… the phone call they'd had that afternoon, the scrapbook and the realization of loving her, seeing her with Sophie on her lap and now watching her with their nephew had become too much…

This could've been them… he could've been looking at the baby girl they'd always said they wanted when they'd been together… he could've been looking at another pair of hazel eyes that would surely steal his heart away…

It all simply became too much.

"_We would've been great parents you know?"_ Ryan said softly… almost as a whisper… but he felt her hand ball up as if he had just yelled at her…

She immediately took a step back and pulled away from Ryan… knowing all the way she wasn't ready to start talking… not there, and just like she'd said earlier… not that day. It was just too much for her to handle… everything had just piled up in her life and talking to him about this would just made things a lot harder…

"_I'm not doing this…"_ Taylor said… her voice barely audible as she reached for the door.

"_Taylor, wait…"_ He said as he reached for her in the hallway. _"Why won't you talk to me about this…?"_

"_I told you 'not today' for a reason ok? Would you just let it be?"_ she said as she half turned to face him without stopping…

"_Would you please stop and talk to me?"_ he said doing his best to catch up with her. She was just walking at an incredible speed… almost running away from him… literally.

"_Gosh… this isn't happening…"_ Taylor told herself as she neared the hospital's exit. _"First, the Lindsay thing... then the baby… now this?"_

As soon as he heard Lindsay's name, he made sure he reached her and said: _"Wait… Lindsay? What did Lindsay do?"_

"_Nothing Ryan…"_ Taylor said as she turned around and stopped for a second _"your 'girlfriend' didn't do anything…"_ and with that she turned on her heels and pushed the door open… and as soon as she stepped a foot outside… the crazy amounts of rain falling from the sky immediately made all her clothes glue to her body as if they were a second skin.

"_I'm not letting you do this again ok?"_ Ryan said as suddenly he was in the parking lot with her under the rain as well. _"What the hell happened with Lindsay?"_

"_If she's your first priority… then what difference does it make how great parents we would've been?"_ she said yelling at the top or her lungs while she made gestures with her arms to emphasize things. Her heart breaking in a thousand million pieces as those words rolled from her tongue.

Somewhere in the back of her head she knew that Ryan was concerned about what Lindsay had said to her, not because he cared for Lindsay… but she really didn't want to talk to him about the baby… she didn't. Somewhere deep inside her she still wanted him to understand, figure it out…on his own.

He immediately stopped in his tracks and began shaking his head from side to side as he yelled with the same volume she'd used _"Don't you see it? Taylor, this 'would've been' is my priority! We're here under the rain for crying out loud! This is killing me! I just need to understand you!"_

"_Then go nine months back and try…"_ she said looking deep into his eyes… hurt and anger mixed somewhere in between. She began walking again, all her hair soaked by the rain and her clothes clinging to her for dear life.

"_Don't you think I want to?! I'd give anything __to go back and to not have left that night the way I did! I'd give anything for us to have gotten a chance… I'd give anything for you to stop me from believing you killed us when you killed that baby…!"_

Taylor suddenly felt out of breath, and now… with her tears all mixed up with the rain, she turned around to face the man that she loved more than her life and who always managed to cut her deeper whenever they were in the same place together.

Yeah, she'd given him the idea that she'd had an abortion… but it all have been because she'd genuinely wanted him to be happy… not because she'd wanted to kill their relationship. And once more… her heart simply broke beyond anything that can be explainable when she realized he hadn't seen it.

He hadn't seen her pain while watching Samuel a few minutes before; he hadn't seen anything concerning her sorrow or anything past his needs for making sense out of things… he hadn't seen that everything she'd done, she'd done it to save him… not to doom them.

She let out a sigh… thinking about what to say, while the lightning just divided the sky… as if trying to divide them once and for all… Looking deep into his eyes, the rain just running through that hair she loved so much, she just knew there wasn't a way they could survive this… and he certainly wasn't ready to hear her explanations just yet.

A part of her still wanted him to figure out things on his own… and honestly… that was the part that had her feeling an indescribable pain that was almost physical… that was the part she just never could let go completely.

But as the sound of the thunder filled her ears… she knew once again, she had to let go… this was heartache enough.

He was just a few inches away from her body but it felt as if it'd been a thousand miles away… maybe he needed time to figure things on his own, maybe he needed time to forget she was ever in his life in the first place… maybe he just needed to give time, time to work its magic…

But she just couldn't wait anymore… at least not now.

She raised her head to look at the distance for a moment… and she watched how Lindsay got out from a cab with an umbrella on her hands… and her eyes immediately landed on the two of them all wet under the rain.

It'd felt so déjà vu. Every time they had a moment that defined who they were and what would be about their future… she'd just pop out from nowhere and leave Taylor feeling like crap…

She smiled sarcastically at the irony while she sighed, tears still mixing with the water falling incessantly from the sky… and she said: _"Ryan… I didn't kill us… she did…"_

Ryan suddenly turned around and watched Lindsay standing at the distance… and then he looked at Taylor not sure of what to do or say…

"_And we just let it happen…"_ she said and, once again… as she looked into Ryan's eyes… she knew this was goodbye…

They weren't ready for each other…

They weren't ready for what could've been's…

-----------------------------------------------------------

**Second Author's Note:**_ So... there are a few people who I have to thank by name, people who've been here for me during this year... and I thought a good way to do that, is through here. I wanna thank my snowflakes, Gillian and Lesley for building me up when I'm down. These two girls are the ones that, without knowing, inspire me to write everytime I do. They're amazing friends and more worth to me than anything Gilbs, Vex... "you're my sisters, you're my family, you're all I've got" You're my snowflakes and you'll always be! _

_Townwhores til the end!!! This one's for you two!_


	15. When A Chapter Ends

**Author's Note: **_Oh My Goodness! I think I have the **best subscribers** in FF! you guys are totally awesome with the reviews you leave each chapter... this story is so close to getting 150 reviews! **THAT** is amazing! Seriously, I know I may seem like a broken record because I basically repeat myself at the beginning of every chapter, but without you, this story would be nothing. You're the ones that give this the value it has, and this is **YOUR** story; not mine (since I own nothing about the OC or it's characters, otherwise it would still be on air) but **YOURS **. So keep all the amazing reviews coming! if you read, review!_

_Now, this chapter is a little shorter than my usual standards, but I'm here hoping you like it... because... and you might all hate me, or love me... this rollercoaster ride is nowhere done yet...! you'll just have to wait and see._

_Scroll away sweethearts, scroll away!_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 15**

**When A**** Chapter Ends…**

"_And we just let it happen…"_ she said as she shook her head from side to side once she noticed his confusion.

How had he ended up like this? He was standing in the middle of a hospital parking lot, soaking wet, water still rolling down his body, freezing to death because of the furious wind blowing around…and alternating his eyes between the two women standing still just like him.

How and when had he ended up standing in between two roads?

His eyes focused on the girl standing on his right side, the one who had said those last words to him and who was now shaking ever so slightly because of the cold and the wet clothes clinging to her, arms tucked around her midriff as a way to protect her wounded self, eyes squeezed shut while she bit those pink lips that once had belonged to him. This girl, who represented for him so much confusion, so much pain but who, at the same time, had become everything he'd lived for during the past six months…

Perhaps the past six years.

But then reluctantly, his eyes drifted and wandered to his other side and there she was, the other part of this triangle he'd created but hadn't wanted to see. Down at his left side, there was the girl with an umbrella… the girl who had the ability to make this rain that was flooding his insides stop. The girl who'd 'saved him' when the one on his other side had hurt him, the girl with whom he had the ability to start over and forget about the pain he'd once felt…

The girl he didn't love.

Another rumble of thunder filled his ears as he allowed himself to see all the times he'd been like this: in between two waters, never deciding which ones to sail. Standing there in the rain he was finally able to see how his life had been during these 9 months and perhaps even longer than that.

The scene unfolding in front of his eyes was one he never thought he'd ever experience. He knew he wasn't a perfect guy. Even now after all these years, somewhere in the back of his head he still thought he was a flawed guy who didn't deserve all the opportunities he'd been given. He still thought there was that Chino kid inside him that would never allow him to achieve perfection in his personality, but never in his worst nightmares had he thought he'd be that horrible.

He glanced quickly at Lindsay, then back at Taylor and he realized he'd been deliberately playing with two hearts during all this time with the subconscious excuse that he'd needed to find a way; that he needed to make sense out of everything when in reality he'd just complicated things way further than he could handle.

Taylor's words still echoing in his eardrums, perhaps louder than the thunder he'd just heard, made it almost impossible for him to stop staring at her. The view of her body remaining as immobile as the cold would let her was hypnotizing him differently than all the other times her beauty had taken his breath away. She looked exactly as Sophie looked whenever Sandy wasn't around to tell her a bedtime story: she looked so fragile, so broken and so… innocent; which strangely and wonderfully enough made her look a thousand times more beautiful. But then the lost look in her eyes when she finally dared to open them up again made him freeze for what felt like a lifetime because he'd never thought he'd see her so devastated; after all this used to be the girl who always got her way.

Used to…

He felt a shiver go down his spine when he remembered that the girl who always had the answers and the beaming personality hadn't been inside her for so long now; and he finally opened his eyes up to see that her losing her way had been because of exactly what she'd just said: whatever had come their way, they'd let it happen.

He always used to think they were unbreakable, untouchable and unmistakable. He used to think once upon a time that there wasn't a thing in their whole world that could tear them apart. He wasn't one to exteriorize these thoughts because he was supposed to be the introvert in that relationship and quite honestly he liked it that way; but he'd been sure nonetheless that nothing and no one would stand a chance of getting in between them.

But someone had.

As a reflex, his eyes went back to the redheaded beauty standing in the distance, head tilted to the side as her shoulders just fell down, just as if they'd been carrying a big weight upon them as her perfectly red lips drew a heavy breath out… her whole body seemingly exhausted… kind of lost in a picture where she didn't belong.

As his mind drifted back to the memories, the one's when he'd been seventeen as well as the ones from earlier that year, he still couldn't put a finger on the factor that had brought him to her. Maybe when he'd been a kid it'd been because she was an outsider, lost in a world where almost everyone was fake and in between her books and insecurities she'd been just trying to find a way… much like him. Most likely it'd been that endearing insecurity mixed with innocence and the desire of belonging that had made his heart race in an inexplicable way when he'd been a teenager just learning to love; but now that he was older… what the hell had it been that captured his attention?

Sure, she was amazing. She was a smart, beautiful and funny girl who was perfect for him. He knew that for a fact because that had been what he'd told himself while being her boyfriend all these months… but before that?

As the raindrops kept falling down and hitting his body he did his best to come up with a reason, a really good reason, to why he'd set his eyes on her again, and just like the night when she'd asked him to say the 'why's", he'd come up empty handed. As his eyes drifted to Taylor once again he realized that as horrible as it was, he'd taken Lindsay because of what Taylor had told him about their baby… and even before that, it'd been his own stupidity, the one that had made him take Taylor for granted during that month…

Thirty Days…

Their relationship had died in just thirty days all because _he_ had let it happen.

In between the thin sheets of rain that persistently kept falling on that dark hour he was able to confirm that what had been said was completely true: she hadn't killed them… Even with the abortion, he'd been the one to walk out that door. Confusion or not, he'd been the one to bail out…

How the hell had he ended up like this?

It wasn't until he realized Taylor's eyes focused on his left side as well that he figured out Lindsay had walked up to them, her umbrella still in her hands and her eyes looking towards her feet as she slowly took one step after the other.

"_Hey…"_ she said once she was close enough, but still a little distant in comparison to how close Taylor was to him.

He felt how Taylor focused her eyes on the floor for a second before lifting her head again, trying to seem as tough as possible for whatever was gonna happen there. Then he felt how she looked at him and tilted her head to the side as if giving him a clear opportunity to say hi as well…

"_Hey…"_ he said weakly... for the first time kicking himself for talking to Lindsay in Taylor's presence…

"_I'm just gonna go now…"_ Were Taylor's next words while she cracked a vague smile and put a chunk of her wet hair behind her ears. _"I don't have anything else to say here…"_

She took a few steps back as she ran her hands over her face in an effort to shake the tears that were mixing in the rain but kept staining her soul. There were few times where she'd wished her tears were thick enough for her to stop seeing what was in front of her, and right then, she'd hope for anything to not seeing Lindsay standing next to Ryan… She was tired of all of this, of being in this constant state of confusion and anger where she couldn't bring herself to be strong enough. Once upon a time she'd been a different girl… a girl she'd been determined to gain back, but she had realized that as long as Ryan could see at least a glimpse of her pain, that girl would never make a comeback… and she missed that girl…

She missed being the brave girl who cracked jokes and who was neurotic enough to drive people crazy… she missed herself… and in order to ignite that personality back she needed to get away from this pain… from the sight of Lindsay's hand practically brushing Ryan's now… as if the redhead was trying to rub it in her face.

She closed her eyes as she took a big breath and turned around, her arms on either side of her body with her hands balled up instinctively for the obvious reasons…

"_Taylor__, wait…"_ he said it just like he'd said it earlier that day on the phone. The same tone of voice, desperate…and guilty. He wasn't sure of what he was going to say once or if she stopped, but he just wanted her to wait… wait for him to realize what was going on, what she was not telling him.

Because now with what she'd said he'd realized that the love of his life wasn't telling him something.

The love of his life…

She turned around without stopping and said from afar, locking eyes with him and Lindsay _"I can't wait anymore, I really _need_ to go."_

And then it hit him. It was that 'need' that had come out of her mouth, the one that made him sober up from this 10 month drunkenness. Him being with Lindsay had been the factor that had made her _need_ to get away… He'd hurt her enough to make her _need_ to escape him.

Right at that moment he wanted nothing more than run to her and kiss her in the rain. Tell her that as vague as it was, he was sorry… that he loved her, abortion or not, he wanted to be with her and his heart clenched once he realized she'd kept on walking because she desperately needed to be away.

He actually flirted with the idea of running to her and hugging her from behind, turn her around and kissing her just like he'd done when he'd asked her to stay, but then he quick-glanced at Lindsay and realized it wasn't fair.

During all this time, it hadn't been fair.

Finally he saw crystal clear why he hadn't been able to tell her how he felt, because as much as he cared about her, Lindsay didn't own his heart and quite honestly never would. After all that had happened with Taylor and the way things had ended, she'd still been imprinted in his heart and had never left. Moreso, it'd been wrong of him to take advantage of Lindsay's feelings just out of rebound…

He saw himself through his own memories like someone would look at his reflection in a mirror and he noticed how wrong he'd acted. Towards Taylor and towards Lindsay; he realized that the only way of mending things was doing two things that weren't going to be easy...

One was letting Taylor walk away to her car… and the other was to stay there with Lindsay and lay things out in the open once and for all.

He wasn't sure if that was enough for Taylor to take him back again… he knew things weren't going to be the same with them for a really long time, but at least this way he would stop hiding behind the excuses he'd created and face all this mess…

This chapter had to end…

So as Taylor got in her car and drove away, he was faced with Lindsay who had now covered him with her umbrella and was staring deep into his eyes as if knowing what was just about to happen.

"_So?"_ she said her voice revealing sureness but at the same time a hint of exhaustion. _"A part of me wants to believe you stayed because I am your choice, but that's not how this is gonna play out is it?"_

"_I'm sorry Lindsay"_ he said softly still looking at her in the eyes…

"_No, you're not"_ she cut him off calmly but firmly. _"You've wanted her… I saw it before you did. That's why I went to talk to her"_

The second he heard that his blood started boiling up. So this was what Taylor had meant by "the Lindsay thing"!

"_You did what?"_ he asked a little menacing as he moved his head forward for a second. _"What did you say to her?"_

"_I asked what you couldn't dare to ask"_ she said wrinkling her eyebrows as she raised her voice a little. _"…which is the same question I can't bring myself to ask you"_

He looked at the floor before raising his head up again, a thousand thoughts going through his head as he did his best to imagine how the showdown had played out once those two personalities had clashed together.

How had things ended up like this?

"_Which is what?"_ he asked coldly. He didn't mean to sound like that but he was feeling a thousand times worse now for everything that had happened that day.

She sighed before putting a stray hair behind her ear and said, her vulnerability clear in her voice _"Do you love her?"_

"_You had no right to ask her that"_ he said shaking his head from side to side as he narrowed his eyes in anger.

"_Do you love her?!"_ Lindsay asked her voice firm and mixed with frustration and devastation.

For a second or so he stopped himself to see how much he'd hurt, not only Taylor, but Lindsay as well. She was usually a girl who although vulnerable, had confidence and seeing her so upset only increased his guilt.

But he had to be honest… she deserved at least that.

"_Yeah…"_ he said softly. _"I do…"_

"_At least you told me…"_ she said as she took a little step back almost in disbelief of what she'd just heard. _"… just wish it would've been a lot sooner…"_

"_Lindsay…"_ he said trying to reach her and she just held her hand up telling him to stop.

"_You're not sorry so stop trying to say you are"_ she said slowly.

"_You have no idea how sorry I am…"_ he said a little annoyed that she was trying to read what he was feeling when for the first time she had no idea of how horrible he felt.

"_But you're not sorry because of how I feel…"_ she said slowly and tenderly… seeming a lot more vulnerable than before. _"You're sorry because of how she feels. You shouldn't try to relocate your guilt to her towards me. With us there's always gonna be the ex-factor. It was there when we were kids and it's here now…"_

"_You deserve more than the ex-factor"_ he said in a really low voice, not sure if he'd said the right thing…

"_And here I thought I deserved you…"_ she said smiling sarcastically _"After all this time I thought this had a chance. After all you came to me…"_

"_I know…"_ was all he could say. After all she was right. He'd let her believe that he'd chosen her…

How had he ended up being this horrible person?

"_I was the rebound, wasn't I?"_ she said almost whispering as she stopped looking into his eyes and looked to the floor.

He looked at the floor again not sure of what to say, or if any answer that would come into his head would be appropriate. His mind was blank and all they could both hear was the sound of falling rain around them as the wind just kept on blowing carrying with it whatever it was they'd had during all those months.

"_It's ok, you don't have to answer that…"_ she said once she noticed his silence. _"Sometimes we say more when we say nothing at all…"_

"_If it's any consolation"_ he said sarcastically smiling _"I wish there was something I could say…"_

"_Me too…"_ she said slowly and barely audible as she closed her eyes and looked to the floor.

"_I know you don't wanna hear it and honestly I don't blame you"_ he said sternly _"but I am sorry… for all I've put you through…"_

She barely smiled and just looked over her head as she released a broken sigh and said _"Well, I'm not gonna be one of those hypocrites who say 'I hope you work things out with her and that you get to be happy' I'm just gonna cut my losses and go home"_

"_Sounds fair enough…"_ he said giving her a half smile while she took a few steps back and let all the drops of water hit his body again…

She was a couple of steps away from him when she turned around and said: _"Don't you wanna know?"_

"_Know what?"_ he said a little confused.

"_What she said when I asked her if she loved you? You haven't asked…"_ she replied from afar… wrinkling her brow…

He looked into her eyes and his curiosity ignited. He would be lying to himself if he'd say he didn't want to know if Taylor still loved him enough to give it another try. But on the other hand he felt that wasn't fair.

"_No…"_ he answered, a genuine smile plastered all over his face. _"I wanna find that out for myself…"_

She just simply smiled… a smile that could match his own and said: _"You're a good guy Ryan Atwood…"_ as she cleaned a stray tear from her cheek… and with that, she walked away from his life, getting lost in the darkness…

And all of the sudden, the rain stopped.

-------------------------

**Now Hit the purple little button and share your thoughts!**


	16. Another One Begins

**Author's Note: **_Hey Guys! I must say I'm really happy with all the reviews I got in the last chapter. Before chapter 15 the story only had 148 reviews, and now look at how many it has! And it's all because of you! You're all amazing people and hearing what you have to say about my writing always makes my messed up chaos of a life seem a little brighter. Sometimes I write to escape reality and it's really wonderful to know that my cathartic process is loved by people out there. I've noticed that, there are new people who have subscribed to this story in the past couple of weeks, and to all of you I wanna say, Thank you for taking this into consideration... it means more than you'll know. _

_Now, I leave you all off to read, and to give you time to escape your own reality if you feel like it... much like I escape mine :)_

_Scroll away!_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 16**

…**Another One Begins.**

Out of all the wrong ways she'd played the scenario of this day in her head, she never thought it would end like this. She was tired of reminding herself that she'd known this day would be a bad one in the Taylor Townsend history the second she'd gotten out of the bed, and still, she'd wanted to go through with it. Maybe it'd been because she thought the second this day would be over, things were going to get a lot better; maybe it'd been because she needed to remind herself of how strong she was… she didn't know anymore.

Out of all the reasons, she'd thought this day was going to be hurtful but still a much needed process, she really hadn't stopped herself to see that maybe she was just a masochist. Someone who had lived in pain for so long that she just didn't know how to shake it out of her life…

She was there, sitting in a bar, her head down with her eyes closed for a second, trying to find peace in the dark inside of her eyelids. Sometimes it was funny for her to look back and remember she was a girl who didn't sleep more than four hours a night. She used to say it was unproductive, and to be honest it was, but in the deeper context, it was actually because she hated to think that she would lose so much time with her eyes closed, hearing nothing… just present but not there at all; but now, now that things had changed so badly, she actually found comfort in looking at the darkness, and she spent so much time wishing she could sleep this off.

But as she took a deep breath in, she felt a little drop of water falling from her locks of hair and hit her hand; and again, flashing before her eyes were the events of the night, all of them going in fast-forward and still they weren't passing quick enough. She could still hear his words and her own clashing in the rain, every syllable pronounced like a knife in her gut; an endless pain she'd felt during this entire time and as it increased day by day, it still wasn't enough to kill her…

It was as if life was just trying to push her over the edge and see how much she could take; and as much as she waved her hands and kept raising white flags saying she was done, destiny just kept finding a way to hurt her more… and instead of falling down and surrender for real… she just kept standing…

She was a masochist… that was for sure.

She opened her eyes and let go of the breath she'd taken in once her gaze came to rest on the ink-filled pages of her diary; all the words that had she'd written just minutes earlier were dancing in front of her eyes as if they were mocking her; and for the first time she actually felt stupid for thinking that writing everything in the diary _he'd_ given to her would make it all go away.

At the beginning it'd started with the desire of stopping this denial and deal with the loss once and for all. During these past nine months she hadn't written anything in that diary about having a miscarriage or about how it had made her feel because writing that would make things a hell of a lot more real than they already were, if such thing was possible. So she thought that now the worst storm of her life had occurred, it was time to hit reality and realize things couldn't get any worse.

The second she'd gotten inside that car and had started driving away, she'd known that this was rock bottom for her. Every thread on her body had felt that night just how painful and unbearable it was to love Ryan Atwood and be reminded of the way things could've turned out if suddenly Earth started spinning in the other direction. She needed to get away from him, she needed a fresh start… so when she found the diary with a lily in the cover tossed somewhere in the back seat of her car, she knew that writing there would surely help her do at least a little bit of catharsis.

She'd pulled the car over in some random bar and had taken the diary with her, not hoping to drown her sorrows in alcohol, but to bury them writing away…

She wasn't sure if she'd decided it, or if her consciousness had taken on a life of its own the second she grabbed the pen, but she'd started writing out everything, from the second Lindsay popped back to that very cruel night, as if she'd been writing to him. As if she'd been writing to him a letter containing all the words she'd known she'll never say…

But now that she'd written everything she could possibly think of and she raised her head to take in her surroundings she couldn't help but feel how small she was in comparison to how much he still could hunt her.

It felt like everything, her wet clothes, the drops of water still falling from her hair from time to time, the damn diary…nothing was helping because everything was just connected to him and she just couldn't shake it out. How had she let things change her that much? Who was this girl who was sitting in a bar with an open diary in front of her?

She couldn't tell anymore…

Once again her eyes landed on the last couple of paragraphs she'd just written and for a second or so, she thought it'd all had been a lie… that she hadn't meant it… but things had changed…

Dreams change.

"_Sometimes I wish you could see me in a different light Ryan; that you could at least remember a little of how life was for me__ when this all started so you could maybe see why I lied to you clearly._

_I tried to talk to you back then, but oddly enough, I didn't know what to say. I was afraid you didn't want me to say anything, so I didn't. But inside me, there were words waiting to come out to tell you how I felt… It's funny how you can miss someone who's there everyday, because you were, I'm not saying you weren't. But it wasn't the "you" I fell in love with. It was as if it was only your shadow and never you the one I woke up to… and I wish you could just see how much I missed you. If you could only remember a moment when you had at least a glimpse of how much I wanted you in spite of my broken heart and how I needed you in my life… Especially how much I loved you. _

_But those words may forever stay in my heart, locked inside. How much is it going to take you to see things, if you're ever going to see them? I don't know. I waited for you when I lost our baby, a teeny little part of me waited for you to know me enough to see through my façade and stay, instead of going back to Lindsay when I lied to you, and I know it's not fair but I did… I waited for you… hell, I guess part of me still does… but just like I told you tonight…_

_I can't wait anymore."_

It was that last line the one that always brought tears to her eyes, because she wished with her whole heart it wasn't true. She would give anything for her soul to have at least a little bit more patience, but she was also tired of her past holding her back… of this love becoming her greatest misery.

She didn't want Ryan to become something she'd regret in her life. Ryan had been a blessing because he'd calmed her eccentricities well enough for her to show to the world a different side of her… but all the sour memories of how things can go wrong, and the fact that she didn't seem to move on were starting to make her feel like Ryan shouldn't have been in her life in the first place… and she definitely didn't want that.

So she had to back off. Give herself time to forget… time to be alone, and to gain back a little of how she used to be…

She sighed as she put her elbows on the bar and rested her head in between her hands, the diary still opened, and the pen just on one of its sides. She wasn't sure if she would write anything else because she was tired. She'd lived through enough drama for the day.

It was then when she felt a presence beside her, leaning against the bar so he was facing her, his gaze becoming intense enough for her to know he meant business.

She took another big breath and let it out in annoyance. She was tired; she wanted to be alone… She'd had enough things in her head, which was still resting in her hands, sitting in that bar to be worrying about some random dude trying to hit on her. In some other occasion, she would've been flattered, but right now? She just needed a break.

"_Hey…"_ the guy said, a bit of a husky voice. If his eyes checking her out so hardly hadn't given away what he wanted, the tone in his voice most certainly did.

"_I'm not interested…"_ she said without even lifting her head to see him, her voice sounding as tired and annoyed as she felt.

She was able to sense the guy was slightly taken aback by her response, almost as if he was in shock of her rejecting him. Why would men like that always think that girls would just jump them, was beyond her. Sure, she understood when the girls were looking for some fun, but she was all wet, water dripping from her hair, writing in a bar instead of drinking, with her head in her hands… did she look like a girl looking for a hook up?

"_Wow… I don't think anyone has ever rejected me that quickly…"_ he said almost stuttering, his voice sounded a little less husky than before _"And without even looking at me? That's quite impressive…"_ he said and she could tell he was smiling from ear to ear just from hearing his voice. It felt good to know there were people out there who could still smile… genuinely.

"_There's always a first time for everything…"_ she said and strangely, her voice sounded a little like his. She still wouldn't turn up her head to look at him, instead, she just closed the diary and started looking somewhere else, practically turning away from him.

"_Geez__, you're gonna be a lot tougher than I thought…"_ he said mostly talking to himself, but once Taylor heard that sentence, he gained her complete attention and turned around to face him.

"_Excuse me?"_ she said facing him, wrinkling her brow and her tone still slightly annoyed, but revealing more curiosity than aversion.

Once she took in the sight of the man in front of her, she could only pull her head back a little in pleasant surprise. The sight of the stranger standing there was one she hadn't expected. She'd thought he could be a good looking guy, since he'd been standing beside her for quite a while now and when she wasn't staring at him, she could smell the scent of his manly cologne; but now that she'd actually looked at him… The guy was fine!

He was wearing something simple: a pair of black jeans with a white shirt that gave away the fact that he worked out regularly. He had green eyes and a beautiful smile… a smile that she thought was familiar, out of the ordinary familiar, but still couldn't help to stare at. In a way, the smile he was giving her reminded her of Ryan, but oddly enough, Ryan was the last thought on her mind right now.

For the first time in six years, it wasn't him the one on her mind.

"_Well…"_ the stranger answered getting a little close to her and pointing at the distance with his forefinger _"you see that bunch of guys over there?"_

"_Aha…?"_ she said still wrinkling her brow and a little freaked out about the closeness between them. It was weird…

"_I bet 50 bucks to all of them that by the end of the night, you would kiss me"_ he said now moving his head a little to face her, his green eyes staring deeply into her hazel ones… something she hadn't felt in a really long time.

The thought of someone betting her out both disgusted her and amused her in a strange way. It amused her because you would think that a guy like that wouldn't just approach a girl and say he was betting for her to kiss him that straightforwardly, but he had. And he was still staring at her eyes as if what he'd just said was the most normal thing in the world. Who was this guy?

Instinctively, her lips parted just a little bit as they let go of a breath she was still trying to remember when she'd taken in, the furrowing of her eyes turning into a deep expression of intrigue as her stomach did one flip flop thingy, as if reminding her of how disgusting this was supposed to be…

… In theory.

She simply gave him a fake half smile, disconnecting her eyes with his for a moment while she said sarcastically, moving her head slightly to emphasize her words: _"Charming…what are you, in eighth grade?"_

He snorted at the comment and again flashed a smile, all as he moved his arm a little to be more comfortable leaning against the bar. Was he not taking the message… or was she sending a different one?

"_That depends if where you grew up eighth graders bet 50 bucks for a kiss"_ he said, again his tone sounding severely confident, especially since by that last word he'd tilted his head forward so it was closer to hers and deliberately began staring at her lips.

Once she heard his comment, she bowed her head for another moment as she smiled, thinking about the eighth graders of Harbor School, her train of thought going to that place where she'd grown up in and which she hadn't thought of in a long time.

Thinking about the infamous Newport Beach felt like an entire different world. It was a place full of people who were just trying to pretend they led perfect lives and where everything could be fixed with just a day at the spa. In spite of being born and bred there, she'd never thought she'd actually fit in. She'd always thought that Newport was for people who were carefree, people who were comfortable with living a life where the main preoccupation was if the infinity pool was larger than the neighbors. Where kids just liked to party and 'bitch' was just a way to say 'honey' or 'sweetie' and where all most guys could think of was in ways to get into girls pants. She'd never belonged there… This guy, on the other hand? Newport and he seemed like a match made in heaven.

"_Oh believe me, you have no idea__. If you would've been born there you would've bet a hundred bucks just so you could feed your egotistical selfish being"_ she said while she stared at his eyes and was utterly shocked when she realized she couldn't help but smile.

She was smiling.

He pretended he was hurt by her words by putting a hand on his chest dramatically but with a pearly smile plastered all over his face, to which she could just squirm a little. It'd been such a long time since she'd fallen into this type of banter with someone. It was like her heart had been just feeling pain, that now that the feeling had switched to something… different… it almost felt… wrong.

Delightfully wrong.

"_I'm gonna let that__ one slide because…"_ he said after he took a sip of the glass she now realised he was holding this entire time and then put it in the bar. _"I did my fair share of betting when I was in eighth grade… and I did…"_ he said smiling even more, as if he was about to laugh _"bet way more than required…"_

"_Shocker__…"_ she said feigning to be surprised but still smiling… and she felt her heart skip a little beat when his laugh settled down, and his deep green eyes locked with hers another endless time.

She gave him a half smile when he kept staring at her, the expression of his face interesting enough for her to study his features more carefully. She'd noticed by now that when he smiled, not laughed though, just when he smiled, cute little dimples formed on his cheeks and his dirty blonde bangs of hair tend to make his eyes stand out. All of the sudden she felt… weird. What was she doing studying this guy's face? And especially checking out little details like those?

Maybe it was because he seemed… familiar. From the second she'd landed eyes on him she'd thought about it. Maybe it was because, growing up, she'd seen one too many guys like him, tall, blonde and… why not? Hot. Maybe it was because that straightforwardness, that confidence and… goofiness, reminded her of Ry-

No. He wasn't like that.

Maybe it was because of that why she was studying him.

"_Ask…" _she was cut of by his voice. _"You seem to want to…"_ he gestured with his hands _"ask something…"_

Had she been staring at him that much? For some reason she didn't wanna know…

"_Have I seen you somewhere? I think I've seen you somewhere…"_ she said carefully, putting another chunk of wet hair out of her forehead.

"_In your dreams maybe…?"_ he said shrugging his shoulder and faking innocence in his question.

This time, it was her, the one who broke into laughter.

"_Oh My God!"_ she said doing her best to settle down and putting her hand over her mouth. _"That has to be the most ridiculous line ever!"_

"_Hey…"_ he said smirking a little _"had to give it a try right?"_

"_Does that even work on girls?"_ she asked, the tone in her voice still revealing a lot of amusement _"'Cause if I were you mister, I would be taking out my wallet and looking for those 50 bucks…"_

"_To be honest I don't know…"_ he said leaning forward to get closer to her again. _"I'm just hoping it works with the girl who was writing on a bar, soaking wet and still manages to look beautiful"_

For some reason her smile wore off and was replaced with a more tender expression. What was this guy doing to her?! She could feel the chemistry welling up because of his ridiculous attempts at pick up lines, and because he seemed so sincere… which was weird because he didn't seem like one of those guys who were honest. The first impression he gave was the idea of being a player, like someone who played hot and cold with other people hearts and her heart was bruised enough as it was.

That boldness seemed to be like the one's she'd witness in the young Newpsie dudes her mom used to date when she'd been in high school. Like those guys who were twenty-something and were still stuck in adolescence… that was the first impression this guy gave… but the second words came out of his mouth… it was… different.

He was different.

Different enough to make her forget she'd been in misery a couple of minutes earlier.

"_And now you're trying to be insightful"_ she said pointing a finger at him, smiling again while tilting her head back in an effort to lighten up the heavy atmosphere that was building up earlier.

"_Would it be that horrible?"_ he asked, taking another sip of the glass.

"_You're just doing it because you don't wanna pay the money"_ she said in a serious manner.

"_Well…"_ he said backing up a little _"I said it because it was the truth… What I've got, you're not biting… so I guess I'd better take out my wallet"_

"_Nice boy…"_ she said mocking him, managing to do it with a straight face.

"_At least…"_ he said after he took another step away from her _"I got to talk to you…"_ and then he turned around and kept on walking on the bunch of guy's direction… leaving her again like she'd just started: staring at the diary Ryan had given to her, the diary that she'd just poured her misery into.

The contrast of bantering with a bar stranger and the loneliness and sourness of remembering how her life had been, was one that made her slightly angry.

Why did Ryan mess up with her so bad? Why had she let him?

She wasn't sure of why she opened the diary again, if she felt like everything she'd needed to write was already out there in the open… but she had and just the second she was about to start re-reading her whole epistle to a guy who would never read it, the stranger's voice got her attention one last time.

"_Whoever he is… he's not worth it"_ he said turning around, moving his hand to emphasize his words.

"_What is it with you guys thinking that every time a girl's soaking wet, writing in a bar and looking like__ the she-wolf that is her mother had just yelled at her for the nth time, why is it you think is one of your fellow friends from the opposite sex the one that's to blame?"_ she said and she saw the look of amazement in his face, surprised that she'd said that without taking a breath.

"_What is it with what?"_ he said, again the same magic smile plastered on his face.

"_Never mind…"_ she said once she realized she'd been just rambling randomly…

Wait… let's back up the bus for a second… she was rambling?!

Holy crap when had that happened?!

He must've seen the look of panic in her eyes once she began staring at the floor and then at the book now opened in the bar because he said _"Are you ok?"_

"_Peachy…"_ she answered absently, looking at the last sentence she'd written 'I can't wait anymore' ingrained in the sheet of paper, destined to be there for only God knew how long… no one was ever gonna read that. No one was ever gonna figure out anything…

This guy, as ridiculous and random as he was, had given her the opportunity to be herself, as small as it had been. This guy had made her feel alive even if it'd been only for fifteen minutes! She'd forgotten how good it felt when someone devoted their whole attention to you, and when everything was just smiles and laughter…

For fifteen minutes, he'd given a little of herself back to her…

She never even realized she'd stood up from the chair, hell, she didn't even realized when she started walking up to him… the only thing in her mind was the fact that she wanted herself back… and this guy seemed to bring in her that personality, as small as the glimpses were, of that 'hard to get' girl she'd once been…

So she reached for him and went closer…

"_What are you doing?"_ he said as a whisper… almost in shock that she was about to do what he thought she was gonna do.

"_Saving you fifty bucks…"_ she said and with a smile… her lips touched his.

And then time stopped.

She brought her hands to both sides of his face as the kiss remained sweet and slow. His hands had by now wrapped up in her waist, and her cold wet clothes were touching his… but neither of them seemed to mind. You would think that by kissing a guy you didn't even know the name of, would have a little bit of awkwardness, but that kiss… at least to the expectants who were yelling stuff like 'way to go man', appeared to be something that felt like a habit…

A kiss that was sweet and easy with no need of presumptions or lies.

When air became an issue, they both pulled apart, his hands slowly removing themselves from her waist, as if trying to give her space in case she wanted to just run and leave. But once he saw she smiled and stayed there for a couple of seconds, he found himself taking another step forward, as if hypnotized by the kiss she'd just given him, and he placed his lips on her forehead… slowly and warmly. With a passion and tenderness she'd almost forgotten existed.

Once he pulled away completely, the look in his eyes stopped revealing confidence and straightforwardness and now showed nothing but bewilderment… he was astonished by what she'd just done… but… surprisingly enough that wasn't stopping him from taking action…

She just gave one last smile and returned to her seat at the bar to look for her diary and pen, and instead of saying to herself the line she'd written with the hopes that she could actually wait a little more… she found herself repeating in her mind 'I can't wait anymore' with a satisfied tone. It still made her sad to think about it, but now, she'd just realized there could be more to life than being like this.

This guy had showed her, in his own twisted way, that she could be herself again… it wasn't as impossible as she'd thought.

And she was leaving satisfied with that… when he called out for her.

"_Wait! Would you at least give me your name?"_ he said waving a hand at her.

"_Why would you need my name? It's not like you're gonna see me again…"_ she said, the satisfaction still showing in her face.

"_You never know right? You just kissed me! Things could happen!"_ he said in a sarcastic tone that she couldn't help but laugh at.

"_It's Taylor…"_ she said as she nodded from afar. _"Taylor Townsend…"_ and with that she kept on walking, almost reaching the exit of the bar.

"_Dorksend?"_

And then she stopped. Dead in her tracks.

There were only three people in the world she could recall at that moment who'd called her like that growing up. One of them was Summer, and Summer was in a hospital with her newborn son so that definitely wasn't her; the other one was Holly Fisher and that girl completely belonged in Newport! There wasn't a chance in the world that girl would set a foot in Berkeley! And the other one was…

No way!

She turned around to face him again, and all of the sudden, dormant memories from elementary school, junior high and freshman year of high school started flooding her mind. So that was the familiarity!!!

"_What's your name again?"_ she said… panic flooding her insides as she spoke. Scared that she'd just kissed one of the most obnoxious kids in high school; but terrified at the fact that she'd actually liked kissing him… and that he'd liked kissing her back…

"_Luke, Luke Ward"_


	17. The First Step Towards Getting Somewhere

**Author's Note: **_Ok... so echoing one of my friends who you must know, CiCi... I've already slapped my wrist for the lack of updates in this story. I was trying to update the new fic, "The Memory Will Never Die" and "Show Me What True Love Is" and next thing I know, bam! This one was on the back closet... and I apologize since is my main story. _

_But I have some news for you before leaving you off to read. CiCi and I are planning to write a story together... CiCi's working on "It could've been perfect" and you know my projects already, but we're gonna launch a new story we're writing as partners, and of course, it's RT! YAY! It's called **"The Way Around Love"** and it's season 1 AU... so keep in the look out for a new story in the next week or so... _

_Now, I know most of you wanna kill me for the surprise on last chapter... I know, I know, bad Sharon (lol) but I hope you feel like sticking with this story because, it may appear that something is going wrong, but then again, the hours before dawn breaks are the darkest of the night. I'll leave you with that poetic thought... read and review!_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 17**

**The ****First Step Towards Getting Somewhere. **

"_Yay for you! You've reached Taylor Townsend's… answering machine! Either I'm not here, or I simply don't feel like talking… I know! Shocker! But maybe when you're in better luck you'll reach me. You know how the drill works so… wait for the beep…."_

"_Oh My God…"_ Taylor breathed out complaining to herself and the loneliness of her apartment as she simply ducked her head on the table and ran a hand over her face. _"Make it stop!"_

This had reached a boiling point! Taylor Townsend was beginning to feel annoyed by her own voice!

She wasn't sure of how much time this had been going on; maybe it'd been a few days after Sam was born or maybe it'd started that same night… she didn't know and she wasn't sure she wanted to know, because as much as she will always treasure her nephew's birthday, in her personal life, that was a day that had complicated things way further than they already were.

But at some point in between those two scarce weeks, this routine where _he_ kept calling was just making things more… confusing.

She hadn't felt the need to go out of the house just because she was annoyed in a really long time. But right now, even going to Newport to see her mother was proving to be appealing and Veronica Townsend, despite her little change of character, was always gonna be someone scary for her.

That's how bad she wanted to get out of the house!

"… _Taylor… it's me again… please… just… I need to talk to you ok? I don't know how else to say it…__"_

And there it was: Ryan Atwood's voice.

She felt her stomach tighten at the sound of the words rolling off his tongue; so pleading. She quick glanced at the phone and she immediately pictured his face wet in the rain just like that painful night two weeks ago. His eyes revealing the same depth and desperation they'd showed the night when she'd broken up with him but still with a tenderness of their own… as if begging her to set him straight, to tell him what the truth was in all this mess… and she'd simply walked away.

She'd had to. It was impossible to stay there and watch him probably make peace with Lindsay and see them leave like a couple about to get married someday. She had to stop waiting for him to come back to her, because that obviously wasn't about to happen. She'd seen herself how Lindsay's hand had been brushing his own and how he hadn't even flinched or tried to get her back once she got into her car.

It was always that way with him. He never chased, he never fought, he never figured out things on his own, he just let go… and at some point, she'd stopped holding on too.

She'd surprised herself when she'd heard the first message from him saying he wanted to talk to her and realized she didn't feel like talking to him. She wasn't sure if she needed time for herself, to let go of all the heartbreak and bring herself together again, or if it was simply because she was done with him for good.

The first two days she liked to think it was the latter, but once she'd seen his persistence and the fact that at least every four hours he called and left a message, she always had the sinking feeling in her gut of picking up the phone and talking to him.

She'd fought with herself to just pick up the phone and dial his number, but every time she so much as thought about it, the image of Lindsay covering him with her umbrella in the rearview mirror was enough to make her back down. She'd been there, done that… and it wasn't fun. It was painful.

But still, during the first three days, there was this little thingy in her heart whenever he called and she heard his voice through the machine; and even if she was ignoring him, his constant calling became symbolic for her: he was always gonna be there, his voice merged in the loneliness of her heart, his pleading eyes imprinted all over hers, his slight touch and the way it felt to touch him scarred in her skin… but she would never pick up the phone. Picking up the phone would mean try and go back… and she needed to go on…

She sighed and pulled her bangs out of her field of vision and kept on writing in her diary like she'd had _that_ night, everything she was thinking, filling up the pages without even reasoning it. After all, that was what had made her feel better that night…

Right?

There it was… the other unsettling feeling she had in her gut whenever she thought about the events that had occurred in a bar that same night. She wasn't sure of the exact thing that made her want to turn the contents of her stomach out of her body: if it was the fact that she'd kissed Luke Ward… as in one of the most self absorbed water polo players in the whole High School, or the fact that it was this "stranger" that was the one who had made her feel whole again. Either way, it had ended as soon as it had started.

The second she'd known his name, she'd stormed out of the bar and had gotten in her car without looking back. She'd felt a little mad at herself because she always ended up running from this or that situation but when it came to _Luke Ward_ there was no other way to go!

Sure, the guy was… fine. All broad shoulders, a whole lot of confidence, the breathtaking smile, the sexy voice, the muscle built up body. No girl in her right senses would skip a night of rough and tumbled fun with a guy like that… but then again, not all girls knew what kind of… misled paths the figure of Adonis had walked for himself in the past.

For starters, he was a stuck up kid. Sure, she was a stuck up girl once too, but she liked to think she had a reason for being that way… her mother always made her feel like she didn't deserve a thing, so she had to at least pretend she had some self esteem. But him? He'd actually thought of himself as better than everybody else. He'd seemed to have the vague illusion that he walked on air because the floor wasn't good enough for his feet! He was one of those kids who maneuvered themselves into girls' pants as a hobby, cheating on every steady girlfriend and toying around with hearts like theirs was untouchable.

She'd seen him grow up and become this "acceptable" monster everyone bowed to just because he was called "popular"; and he never once changed his ways; at least until they were 16, when Ryan came along into his life.

It'd been that exact thought which had been the one to make her run away that night. The fact that he knew Ryan… he was linked to Ryan. He'd even been friends with Ryan once they'd gotten past their rivalry and testosterone-filled kind of behavior. So she couldn't just date a friend of Ry-

Wait a second… date?

And that was reason number two why she didn't like to pay attention to the sinking gut feeling she got whenever she thought about that night.

But, it was inevitable. As the days slid away one by one, without even seeing him after that or even heard his voice, she'd found herself intrigued by what _Luke_ had made her feel, what he could do for her if she'd just let herself go… like that night…

Ok, sinking gut feeling again…

This was confusing; she needed to get out of the house!

She immediately pulled her hair up in a ponytail and left the diary, the pen, everything in the table, grabbed a jacket and headed to the door.

She was way too old, she'd thought, to be thinking about two guys at the same time, and way too stupid to hope it wouldn't end in broken pieces this time again, so she swung the door open and there was…

"_Seth?"_ she asked wrinkling her brow making a grimace slightly disappointed.

"_Oh I'm sorry, were you expecting someone?"_ he said as he put down the hand he was gonna use to knock on the door and trying to read her frustrated expression.

"_No..."_ she began but was cut off by Seth pushing her aside and entering the apartment.

"_Ok, Good… 'Cause I need to talk to you."_ Seth said taking a few steps in and turning back to face her; making gestures with his hands telling her to shut the door.

She really didn't feel like dealing with Seth Cohen right now. She loved him and he was a good friend, but whenever he made house visits, it was because someone had told him to… and the only two people who could've asked him to visit her were Summer, and that probably was about having Sam's first scrapbook ready, or Ryan… for the obvious reasons. She had the feeling it was the latter.

"_Seth…"_ she said motioning the door, hoping he would take the hint, either to leave or to continue this somewhere outside of this apartment. Apparently he didn't.

"_I've__ been trying to come up with some kind of foreplay…"_ he said gesturing with his hands and seeming kinda nervous and preoccupied.

"_I did a sex therapist job with you and Summer a long time ago, and I already gave you the Kama Sutra…"_ she said, her grimace wearing off a little and smiling a little coyly to him.

"_And I'll always thank you but this is not about sex. I __meant the intro for the third degree I'm about to spring on you…"_ he said still gesturing with his hands and, she actually began wondering how come Seth and her weren't related somehow… they were too alike.

"_There's a third __degree?"_ she raised a hand to him to stop him from continuing, both of them speaking at an unbelievable speed. _"Who sent you?"_

"_But I haven't come up with any chit chat whatsoever so I'm just gonna start right away"_ he said, ignoring her question and taking a brief breath before talking again.

"_Seth… who's the third degree-er?"_ she asked talking fast again, saying that in the brief second he inhaled a breath.

"_Did you have an abortion?"_ he asked plainly… staring into her hazel eyes that evidently had switched from confused, to hurt and pained.

Seth looked at the perplex expression of her face and for a second he regretted ever going there. He wasn't even sure of why this was bugging him this much, but ever since his brother had told him about the abortion and even when he'd told Ryan he wouldn't meddle, he'd found himself asking the question in his head because it seemed plain wrong. Taylor was good with kids in spite of her being raised by the ice-queen bitch of her mother. He would trust Sam with her without thinking it twice… and the thought of her breaking her own heart, and Ryan's heart by default, by _not_ having a kid of her own was just… out of character for her.

So he needed to know. Not because he wanted to tell Ryan, or Summer, although he wasn't that dense to think Summer didn't know what was under that rug by now. She'd been a little calmed these two weeks about the subject of Taylor and Ryan and he could only think that had something to do with her knowing the whole story; and even when he could probably try his chances and ask Summer for the truth now that he had Ryan's version of the facts… he needed to know from Taylor's mouth if that was the truth or not.

"_How did- When" _she said while her eyes started looking in all directions and her brow began to furrow in complete disconcertion.

Ryan had told Seth about her abortion story? He'd seriously had Seth come over to ask her _this_? She stepped back a little in shock and her brows hit up her forehead and her mouth gaped open just a little bit in complete and utter surprise.

He took a step closer to her and said: _"Did I go too fast with the questioning?"_

"_A little yeah…"_ she said while she nervously smiled at him, and she did her best to try and shake the feeling of hurt that had washed over her by now.

It was for reasons like this why she needed to move on from Ryan to the next thing. Because he was always haunting her and making her live in the past, and even though she would probably always love him, it wasn't fair to her to keep hurting like this… not when there were possibilities out there of being herself again.

"_He told me the night Sam was born…"_ he said his voice cutting through the silence like a stab in Taylor's body. _"He was pretty upset that night…"_

"_You don't say…"_ she snorted in sarcasm at his comment, remembering that she'd been really upset as well because of all the things happening that day… and Ryan had still ambushed her with more in the end.

"… _at the risk of you going Summer on me"_ he said protecting his body while taking a step back from her, panic in his eyes _"I still need to ask again… did you?"_

"_If Ryan wants to know… he should come and ask me that plainly himself"_ she said, her voice with a hint of anger and desire to get this conversation over with…

"_I'm not here because he sent me…"_ he said shaking his head slightly _"I'm the one who wants to know"_

"_Why?"_ she asked cut and dry grimacing and raising her voice as she did so.

"_Because that story doesn't sit well with me."_ Seth replied and he saw how her features softened.

"_You don't think I had__ an abortion?"_ She said, pausing ever so slightly as she said the word 'abortion', but Seth caught it.

She wasn't sure of how or why Seth had seen right through her lie without even having to be in the situation himself, contrary to Summer and Ryan, but her chest was filled with this reassuring feeling that for once, for once, someone had seen beyond her protective attempt to save Ryan's conscience.

"_No…"_ was his only response. And she let her shoulders fall, relaxing completely under his gaze.

"_I didn't…"_ she said plainly too, without thinking it too much and without going into detail.

The fact surprised her because she _was_ having a conversation with Seth after all, and even though they'd started things off talking fast and furious, now, he'd become someone that just didn't seem to need more explanation than the one she'd just said. Just from looking into his eyes she knew he wouldn't ask anything else.

And from that point of the conversation on, Taylor felt like she was talking to a different Seth… a different person than the one he'd been a few months ago when he'd gone to her same apartment in an attempt to make her talk.

It felt good that, for once; the truth was just what it was…

"_You know you need to tell him… right?"_ he said, moving his head and looking at her through his lashes as if trying to see if she reacted angrily again, but this time, his body language didn't seem to be willing to give in that easily.

"_What's the point?"_ she asked, throwing her hands in the air exhaustedly, looking at him defeated while she sat on a chair next to the table.

"_Maybe there isn't one…"_ he said sternly and still looking at her _"but he needs to know"_

"_I did what I did for a reason Seth…"_ she talked, but was cut short by his voice, soft but steady above hers.

"_And I don't need to hear it__. But telling him will untie this tangled web or whatever it is you've got going on"_ Seth said still looking at her.

"_Or__ it will make things harder on both of us in the long run"_ Taylor said in a low voice, afraid that her words would come true someday if she ever decided it was time for Ryan to see he hadn't been there when she'd needed him the most.

"_I don't think they can__ get harder than the path you're going down right now…"_ Seth said, a bit sarcastically.

It was then when they heard the phone ringing, as if what Seth had just said had jinxed the situation even more, and Taylor was reminded of why she wanted to get out of the house in the first place.

Having Seth listening to whatever possible message Ryan could leave wasn't the best idea right now, because Seth's attitude, if slightly scared, gave away the fact that he was willing to make her talk to Ryan at all costs; and right now, she didn't feel like being pushed towards Ryan.

Now that she looked at things stone cold, it'd always been like that… like she'd either been pushed towards Ryan or Ryan had been pushed towards her. As the ringing of the phone just flooded the apartment and her eyes remained staring into Seth's brown eyes, she had a flashback to all the times in the past when things had been "forced" between them. The sleep therapist scheme, how she'd almost invited herself to that first Christmukkah with the Cohen's if it hadn't been for the ladder incident, how she'd stalked him around when she'd told _him_ she needed time to gather herself together… She actually began wondering if Ryan and her would've gone as far as they'd had if it hadn't been for everyone around them meddling in… and as much as she would always love all the people who were supportive of them, right now? She didn't feel like forcing things anymore…

She wanted to feel something that didn't need to be chased… and she knew that if she went and picked up the phone like Seth would want if he knew it was Ryan the one calling, it would feel once again like she was chasing him… even if he'd been calling nonstop for two weeks.

"_Aren't you gonna get that?"_ Seth said and she barely heard him.

She didn't want Seth to listen to the message but she didn't want to pick the phone up. She tried to ask her legs to move so she could drag Seth out of the house but she couldn't do it… and somewhere in the back of her mind she knew it was because she wanted to hear Ryan's voice again… even when she hated herself for it.

It was for that reason that when the machine picked it up, her hands began dripping sweat and her heart began beating as if it would literally break free from its cage. Her whole system began battling against the adrenaline of the anticipation, but it was inevitable, no matter how much her reasoning would tell her this wasn't healthy. It was the legendary head versus heart battle everyone experiences every once in a while…

"_Hey Dorky…"_

Huh?

She noticed Seth's puzzled face and how he tore his gaze away from hers to look at the answering machine, as if looking at it would immediately give him the face of the person leaving the message. He wrinkled his brow and looked at Taylor once again in complete confusion, as if trying to place the voice calling somewhere in his memories... and all of the sudden, something inside Taylor snapped.

"_Oh God…"_ she muttered under her breath and she was almost positive her eyes will break out of their sockets.

"_Dorky?"_ Seth said looking at the ceiling, still trying to place the voice and the nickname somewhere. _"That sounds so… Newpsie"_

Why weren't her legs working?!

"_Sorry I didn't call sooner. When you kiss a guy in a bar and forget to leave the number, it makes it a little hard to track down__ the girl, Townsend…"_ his voice was smug and strangely endearing… and like a spell, she would've smiled if it hadn't been for Seth's voice…

"_What the… hell?"_ Seth muttered now as his eyes wandered back to Taylor's and he shook his head slightly, still confused and trying to place the voice!

"_That's right… I remember your name. But in case you go kissing random guys every night you're soaking wet… this is Luke…"_

And that's when her legs began to work.

She immediately rushed to the answering machine and in one quick fluid motion; she pulled all the cables and cords she could find until finally, she successfully made it shut up. How the hell had he gotten her number? And… couldn't have he picked a worse moment to call her?!

She turned around and looked back at Seth, trying to pretend she hadn't intentionally ripped all the cables she could find, her face all flushed and breathing quickly, as if she'd just ran three miles without stopping. She stopped for a second to look at Seth's features and she realized he still had his brow wrinkled, but it wasn't in confusion anymore… it was bordering in disappointment now that he'd placed the voice entirely…

"_Oops?"_ she said grimacing a little while she shrugged her shoulders a little scared, and took a misplaced bang from her field of vision.

"_Tell me that was a Star Wars reference…"_ Seth mumbled, closing his eyes _"Make me believe the guy was gonna say Skywalker"_

"_Yep. He's my long lost brother and my name is Leia"_ she said trying to sound confident but the shaking quality of her voice never resonating louder on the air.

"_Then you have some serious issues with the family line!"_ Seth said a little louder while his grimace grew more intense. _"You kissed Luke?? As in, Luke Ward?"_

"_I'm sorry ok? He was in a bar that night after Ryan stayed with Lindsay and he was being nice…"_ she began explaining.

"_Nice? With a girl? Luke Ward?"_ Seth said, narrowing his eyes, his sarcasm evident.

"_You lived with him for a summer!"_ she said, her tone higher than usual.

"_Contrary to what Summer might tell you every once in a while, I'm not a girl…"_ he said, trying to prove the point that the Luke he knew sucked at relationships with the opposite sex. _"Luke Ward can't hit on me!"_

"_Would you stop saying his name like that? It creeps me out!"_ Taylor said throwing her hands in the air and turning around from him.

"_Well good! It should!"_ Seth said sternly and locking his eyes with hers again. _"What's he doing here anyway? Looking for the missing chicks of Harbor he didn't screw?"_

"_Way to think I'm a whore Seth!"_ Taylor said a little shocked and hyper but not that mad at him.

"_Sorry."_ He said after he took a big breath in. _"Look, I liked the guy as a buddy. But Luke Ward"_ he raised his left hand with his palm up._ "… Taylor Townsend…"_ he raised his right hand with his palm up too and began balancing them, while he grabbed her left hand momentarily with her palm up also _"…The part I don't know anything about at the moment, Lindsay Gardner…"_ he grabbed her right hand too and he balanced her hands with his _"… and Ryan Atwood?"_ he looked at her with a grimace of genuine fear _"… do you see where I'm going with this?"_

"_That was the first time he called…"_ Taylor said taking her hand back and moving her head as she spoke _"… and I have no intention of going out with him…for now"_

"_Ok… that's not giving me peace T"_ he said shaking his head violently. _"He's gonna complicate your life more. What you need to do is talk to Ryan"_

"_Who might be with Lindsay right now for all we know…"_ she said and shook the thought immediately, not even letting her brain remind her he'd been calling for the past two weeks! _"…and with Luke… you might not understand it right now, but he might be what I need to untangle this web you say I've weaved…"_

"_Townsend…"_ Seth said reluctantly.

"_Right now? I'm not interested…"_ she said her tone a little reluctant too. _"But I'm done waiting…"_

"_Damn you are stubborn"_ he said _"I'm not gonna change your mind if the opportunity comes and you like him huh?"_

"_Only someone can, for a short period of time I guess…"_ she said her voice framed with sadness. _"But even with him, I'm done waiting…"_

"_Look, I'm gonna go…"_ Seth said after he sighed and looked around the place _"I have to figure out a way of not showing the information overload I have from this visit to Summer…"_

"_That should go well…"_ Taylor said, smiling at him a little.

"_I'll do my best…"_ he said as he approached the door. _"But if you're really, really done waiting… then do something about it Townsend… you have the key in your hands… talk to Ryan"_

"_See you around Cohen…"_ she said while she opened the door for him to leave, and very uncharacteristically, he leaned in and place a kiss on her forehead.

"_Talk to him…"_ he said one last time, and then he walked away, leaving her to close the door and rest her body against it… trying to figure out and process this whole thing.

Was it really that easy? Just, pick up the phone, listen to what he has to say, let him ask you if you had an abortion, tell him you had a miscarriage in his absence and he never knew about it, let him feel guilty for the rest of his life and somehow manage "happily ever after"?

Seth had said being with Luke would make things complicated, but really… this was what had her life so complicated.

Somehow along the road, the bruises had been so many, the wounds had bled so much, the tears had run dry so slowly, that it seemed completely unrealistic to expect things with Ryan to ever be resolved by just a few exchange of words… and even if they could be fixed that way… she still thought the timing was off.

She was still shaken by Sam's birth…by Lindsay's words, by the fact that Ryan couldn't figure out things on his own no matter how much she wanted that… she still thought she needed time for herself, to be who she'd been…

She was willing to gain whatever piece of herself was left and this time, it was for real. She wasn't sure if Luke was the key to that door but she was sure that for now, Ryan wasn't.

For the first time… Ryan wasn't.

She closed her eyes and stayed there, her back glued to the door for longer than she could register, trying to come to terms with everything… trying to come afloat and breathe a little of fresh air… when she felt a knock on the door.

Her first thought was that it was Seth again, coming to convince her or because he'd forgotten something in her apartment, it wouldn't be the first time. So she didn't reason it much when she swung the door open and he was there…

The look on her face got deeper and somehow, her shock wore off immediately as she saw his smile spread across his face, as smugly as he'd sound on the phone.

"_You…"_ she muttered staring at him deeply, not a trace of a smile on her face.

"_Me…"_ he replied, smiling at her and looking at the floor as if he was nervous.

"_Are you__ trying to stalk me now?"_ she said, feeling her stomach clench a little in annoyance while she felt a déjà vu on those words… once directed to another someone…

"_You make it sou__nd like I'm some kind of pervert, Dorky…"_ he said leaning a little forward to be closer to her face.

She snorted at the comment and shook her head a little while she watched him rest his body against the door's frame.

"_Ok, let's lose the Dorky…"_ she said while she raised a finger at him and found herself smiling, she didn't even know why. _"How did you get both my home number and my address Luke?"_

"_Why? Are you impressed?"_ he said as he leaned a little closer to her and she pulled back, but still with a smile she couldn't seem to wear off.

"_Of your neediness? Totally"_ she said, narrowing her eyes with the wicked smile still on her lips.

"_Ok, I see the passive-aggressive thing we've got going on but I'm gonna answer your question"_ he said, his expression serious, but his eyes flickering with a sentiment she wasn't able to read. _"Do you know something called… "The phone book"?" _

"_Oh…"_ she said as she looked down at the floor and smiled while she felt her whole face flush.

"_I mean, you're not the only Taylor__ Townsend in there, I'm pretty sure I left a message to every Taylor Townsend in Berkeley, and luckily you were the first one I decided to visit because of the voice message"_ he said as he gave her a weak smile.

"_Wow, I wouldn't have __picked you as persistent…"_ she said, a mocking tone in her voice.

"_From needy to persistent…"_ he said again accommodating his body to the door's frame. _"I'd say we're making progress. Might as well ask you out right now before we take another step back"_

"_And there's your step back…"_ she said as she literally took a step back and looked at him with a playful expression on her face. _"I'm not going out with you Luke…"_

"_Why not?"_ he said slightly taken aback by her response, just like he'd felt that night when she'd told him she wasn't interested.

"_Ah let's see…"_ she said sarcastically as she narrowed her eyes and put a finger under her chin dramatically _"because you're a self centered spoiled brat who cheated on Marissa, may she rest in peace, and subsequently had a torrid affair with her mother while she was dating Newport's version of Donald Trump, may he rest in peace also."_

"_Hey…"_ he said embarrassed and slightly annoyed by her bringing up his past _"that was high school…"_

"_A leopard __can't change its spots…"_ she said as she shrugged her shoulders slightly in faked innocence _"Sorry."_

"_You seemed to have changed… you were an overachiever and freakishly weird bitch as I remember you"_ he blurted out and witnessed how her mouth gaped open a few millimeters, and then she proceeded to close the door…

"_Bye Luke!"_ she told in a loud tone but was stopped by his whole body coming between the door and the door's frame.

"_Ok, Ok, Ok, I'm sorry… that was completely inappropriate"_ he mumbled as the door kept pressing on his chest.

"_Geez I'm surprised your brain cells worke__d fast enough for you to get that…"_ she said again in the mocking tone she'd used earlier.

"… _but you can't just bring up my past and expect me not to bring up yours. And just like you don't like me telling you what you did wrong when you were a teenager, I think I have the right to let you know I don't like you bringing up my mistakes either. You're different and even I can tell that… why won't you see I'm different too?"_

It'd been a long time since she'd been left speechless like that. Again, she began feeling that knot in her stomach and that adrenaline rushing through her veins… that sense of clarity that she'd felt the last time she'd seen him. He _was_ different, she'd caught that two weeks ago with his straightforwardness and his smile and his goofiness… he seemed vulnerable, even when he tried to cover up that quality when he acted so smugly… He was someone who could make her smile… and she was just realizing now that this was someone she couldn't stay mad with for too long.

"_I know you're different…"_ she said vaguely while she loosened up her grip on the door so he could breathe better. _"…but"_

"_Just one date with me Dorksend… and if it's a total failure, I'll never show my face around here again…"_ he said, catching her hand in his for a brief second…

At the vague touch of his hand in hers, she suddenly forgot why it was she'd been telling herself she couldn't have anything with him. Right now, the possibility shining in front of her behind those peaceful and secure green eyes seemed so attractive… What was the harm in allowing herself one opportunity? She ignored the fact that those words sounded way familiar and got lost in the hopeful expression in his eyes, accompanied with the smile she was beginning to anticipate every time she looked at his face.

It marveled her how much he could make her forget of all the pain she'd been feeling, of all the excruciating pain those nine months had marked her with and she found herself wanting more… wanting to feel this magic spell forever…

She'd decided that she was done with the heartbreak; she'd told Seth that an hour earlier… it was time to move forward…

"_The firs__t step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you're not going to stay where you are…"_ she mumbled absently, looking at his hand on hers and smiling a little as she did so.

"_Is that a yes?"_ he replied, his smile getting bigger and even more beautiful

"_One date…"_ she said looking at him with a smile that could match his.

"_Then let's go…"_ he said, not letting go of her hand and dragging her out of the apartment.

"_Are you serious? Now?"_ she said giggling but never stopping.

"_Oh come on! Like you didn't feel like getting out of your house before I got there…"_ he said, and she smiled… not really remembering why she was feeling so frustrated when this felt so good…

But as she went out of the building, her hand never letting go of Luke's, she barely remembered she'd left her cell phone upstairs…

She had no idea there was a voicemail in her cell phone waiting to be listened:

"_Taylor… it's me. Look, I'm not good at doing this. You know that better than anyone__, but I guess I'm gonna take my chances now. I've been calling you for two weeks because… there's something I need to tell you. I broke up with Lindsay. I'm not telling you because I'm expecting you welcome me with open arms or anything, I just thought you should know that I love you. And I'm sorry for everything I've put you through… I'm sorry for never appreciating what you were in my life. You've always been the one in my heart Taylor… and I've realized, it doesn't matter what's happened in the past, that's water under the bridge now… you're the one. There is no other "you" out there for me… _

_I just thought you should know that, please, call me back"_


	18. When The Wrong One Loves You Right

**Author's Note: **_Please don't hate me. You all know I usually don't take this long to update my fics but... It's been really weird this past few days. Although I have to admit it's not just my fault (hides) I'd already had this written but, I blackmailed CiCi. She takes an awful time to review this story and I told her, I wouldn't post until she reviewed! (lol... again, please don't hate me, her, you can hate her!) I was waiting on her review because... Last chapter, "The First Step towards getting somewhere", with her review included, was the chapter with more reviews so far!!!! You guys are awesome!!!! Completely made of awesome!!!! Now, I know some of you have your thoughts or are apprehensive about Luke... but please, don't lose your north... and please, give the story the chance to develop itself before you decide to hate me (lol). I know exactly where I'm headed with this story. _

_As always, Especial thanks to my best friend Lesley. Thanks for betain this sweetie, ''you cut me open and I keep bleeding love", "even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear..." thanks for everything sweetie. _

_now, off to read. _

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 18**

**When The Wrong One Loves You Right**

"_So…"_ Taylor said after a while of silence while she fidgeted with her nails. _"Where are you taking me?"_

"_Relax, I'm not going to kill you"_ Luke said after briefly taking his eyes off the road to see her face. _"Although if you ask that same question again, I can't make any promises"_

"_Come on already! I wanna see what the "Great Luke Ward" has up his sleeve"_ she said in a mock smug tone and using air quotes at his name.

"_I have things up my sleeve now? Cool."_ He said as he began looking at the road and furrowing his brow a little in confusion _"But… you'll see when we get there"_

"_Oh My God…"_ she said in mock horror _"You have no idea where we're going!"_

"_What?"_ he said, his tone on a higher pitch _"See? Now you're delusional"_

"_You seriously went by my place to ask me on a date, you took me right into that date and you have no idea where we're going"_ She said laughing.

"_So what?"_ he said once the car stopped on a red light, throwing his hands in the air and hitting the steering wheel _"So what if I decided to be spontaneous?"_

"_Luke…"_ Taylor said, a condescending smile on her face as she shifted in her seat to look at him _"This is your one and only chance with me, the girl who you tracked down for two weeks because she had no intention of ever, ever, ever bumping into you again… I'd say you picked a wrong time to be spontaneous"_

"_Geeze woman, uptight much?"_ he said as the light turned into green and he kept on driving.

"_I am not uptight"_ she said looking at him through his lashes, taking offence at what he's just said.

"_Suits, the tie, fancy restaurants, dinners at candle light…"_ he began listing while he tilted his head sideways _"lots of pretentious wine"_

"_Hey!"_ she cut him off while pointing a finger at him _"you're pretentious too"_

"_Endless hours of cooking and preparation for a single meal__?"_ he ignored her comment and kept on driving, his eyes on the road. _"To me, that is being uptight"_

She wasn't sure of what exactly inside of her broke off. Maybe it was the fact that the words coming out of his mouth sounded so… familiar. It reminded her quite a lot of herself. She was the girl who believed in romance, in creating the perfect scenario for things to work out. Because if you could create perfection for a date… for just one night, why wouldn't you right? There were so much stuff going on out there in the real and painful reality that just couldn't be fixed so maybe inside of her psyche she related being able to plan the things you could control to knowing where you would end up. Maybe, being 'uptight' gave her certainty at some level, because there were other things that went far from her hands… things she had no say in. Like, how your boyfriend's almost-aunt/ex girlfriend would pop out of nowhere just when you'd found out you were pregnant with his child, which you subsequently lost a month after that, turning the boyfriend into ex boyfriend who hated you and then after time who became friends with you and… from there on everything was just one big blur? Yeah, kinda like that.

"_There's nothing wrong with planning stuff!"_ she yelled at the top of her lungs while she put her hands in front of her chest when Luke twitched a little in his seat. _"There's nothing wrong with creating perfection while you can do it. The 'hours of preparation' give you probability, and probability gives you hope, and hope leads to confidence right? And confidence leads to success. And we all wanna be successful in… everything! Our jobs… love. And when you don't think things through, and everything that's not on your plan, meaning the spontaneous crap of life, waltzes into your timeframe and destroys everything you've worked so hard to create and salvage throughout the years, you don't know where you're going and if you don't know where you're going then you're stuck! Because it doesn't matter how much you love the hope, everything's just ruined because you never predicted what was gonna come next! So if being uptight means being protected from the stuff you don't know… then I guess I am uptight!"_

By the time she'd said all of that, and her heart was doing its best to settle back into a normal rhythm, just like her breathing pattern, the car had come to a stop which she'd barely even realized. Her eyes glazed over as the words she'd just said, and the meaning that ramble had for her, started to sink in driving her back to the past… back to _him_. When would it stop? When would _he_ stop marking her like this? She hadn't been _his_ in a long time, _he_ hadn't even kissed her for months and yet, it felt like traces of her skin and worst, her mind, had a seal with _his _name imprinted… like an indelible ink plastered all over her saying that she was not hers nor _his_ either… but stuck somewhere in between.

When would it stop?

Would it ever stop?

"_But… when the hours of preparation are everything you think about"_ his voice was soft and low. _"And you forget what it was you were preparing for? That's when you need to be spontaneous"_

His hand was over hers now, softly… securely… and as she snorted a little in relief, she was overwhelmed with this sense of admiration for this stranger that had walked into her life. Any other man except for _him_ would've thought she was crazy, or worse, wouldn't have even understood all of that ramble let alone the subtext lying beneath it. But he had, she could see it in his eyes and better yet, he didn't mention it or addressed it… he just played along.

When the questioning hazel met the soothing green, he pointed out the window and she realized they'd reach their destination… even if she still didn't know where she was going.

She got out of the car and saw the parking lot flooded with cars; expensive cars. The sound of teenagers laughing combined with the music of a lot of the rides, the sight of colorful lights everywhere and the smell of candy all over the place brought her back to those times… he brought her back in time…

"_This looks just like Harbor"_ she said while she raised her head and saw a Ferris wheel at the distance.

He brought her back to high school.

"_I know…"_ he said as he closed the door of the car and caught up with her.

"_You seriously brought me to a carnival?"_ she said in disbelief. _"A Berkeley Private high school carnival?"_

"_Yes I did."_ He said as she looked at him with her mouth slightly opened, her eyes confused and amused all at the same time.

"_Ok…"_ she said placing herself in front of him and raising a hand to him _"I understand the spontaneity point but how are we gonna get in there? It's a high school, and not to say I look old, but I can't pass for an eighteen year old"_

"_Coach Ward!"_ a random boy yelled from afar, to which Taylor smiled, at least until the boy eyed her up and down and smirking… yelled _"Way to go Coach"_

"_Hey!"_ Luke yelled back in a serious tone, and then he slid up an arm above Taylor's shoulders _"Get your own!"_ to which she replied by slapping his arm.

"_Coach Ward?"_ she replied as they kept walking to the entrance and Luke showed the tickets to get in.

"_Good evening Coach"_ the brunette girl in the booth receiving the tickets said with a genuine smile across her face, much to Taylor's surprise since this school looked just like Harbor.

"_Good evening Helena"_ Luke replied nodding to the girl _"Do you have what I asked you two days ago?"_

"_Actually I have them here"_ the girl began looking for something _"Oh! Silly me!"_ the girl looked at Taylor _"You must be Miss Townsend right?"_

Taylor shook her head in surprise and looked sideways to see the smirk on Luke's face, and after a second of silence she said, astonished _"Yeah! That's me!"_

"_Well, here are your tickets to get on all the rides and you can eat anything out of all the food carts in the fair… Welcome to our Carnival"_

"_Well thank you"_ Taylor said with a smile as she moved her head to glance at Luke and said _"My pleasure to be here"_

"_Thanks Helena"_ Luke nodded at the girl, who smiled back and he guided Taylor inside the fair.

"_How much did you pay that kid?"_ Taylor said almost laughing when they were away.

"_Helena?"_ he said turning his head back to see at the booth and then back at Taylor _"Nah. I just offered to put her boyfriend on the water polo team"_

"_Newport taught you well"_ she smiled. _"So you're a water polo coach"_

"_And a soccer assistant coach"_ he replied as they both kept on walking without a specific destination.

"_Soccer huh?"_ Taylor said the smile fading away for a brief second.

When would _he _stop doing this to her?

"_Yeah"_ he replied simply, looking at her.

"_But wait…"_ she said after a few minutes of silence and walking side by side. _"You said you hadn't planned anything, but according to the girl you bribed for these tickets and to say my name, you ordered these, two days ago. Two days ago you didn't even know where I lived! You didn't even know I was gonna say yes to… this!"_

"_First of all… I didn't bribe her"_ he said as he placed himself in front of her. _"I just… made a deal with her"_

"_It's just semantics and technicalities"_ Taylor said as she narrowed the space between her thumb and forefinger to an inch, her voice filled with sarcasm.

"_Second, I never said I didn't have something planned. You just assumed that and I never corrected you"_ he said.

"_Ha! You're a __liar by omission of facts!"_ she said accusing him.

"_Thirdly__"_ he ignored her comment. _"I know my audience"_

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_ She asked folding her arms in front of her chest in a defiant tone.

"_You're a girl of plans"_ he said softly… staring her intently.

"_How do you know I'm a girl of plans?"_ she said a little confused, her voice more serious. It felt weird… to be the one being read for once.

"_The instincts up my sleeve"_ he replied a little cockily. _"And the outburst in the car pretty much gave it away too. I know a lot about you Dorksend…"_

"_Oh really? Try me"_ she said, not sure if she was starting to get annoyed by the fact that he thought he knew everything about her when he couldn't possibly have an idea, or if more intrigued by what he had to say.

"_You deserve more than plans. But you deserve more than spo__ntaneity too. You're a girl who's had too much of both lifestyles; so you deserve for someone to think outside the box"_

"_See? Now you're just shooting blanks"_ she said, not trying to give him the satisfaction of saying he was right. _"You have no idea…"_

"_And last but not least…"_ he cut her off by raising a finger to her lips. _"I knew you were gonna say yes"_

He stared at her for a few seconds longer, his fingers on her lips for a little while because she'd suddenly tuned out from the real world. What was happening to her? When had she let her mask fall off and let someone read her liked this? It felt… weird but at the same time safe. Like for once in her life, she didn't have to spell things out for everyone to know what she was thinking, but still… she couldn't just… open up. Not now anyways.

"_Oh! Cotton candy!"_ she murmured as she walked behind him almost running to one of the candy stands in the fair.

He just smiled at her, knowing that maybe the moment had been too much for her. That, considering their whole dynamic so far, this wasn't something she thought was ready for. So he just played along… and he would play along as much as it was necessary…

He wasn't going anywhere.

---------------

Taylor Townsend was positive she hadn't laughed so hard in a really long time. When she was a teenager, all wrapped up in her mock confidence and bitchy existence, she'd never considered carnivals and amusement parks something worth the effort. To her, carnivals meant organization, details, booking rides, finding a way of doing damage control if someone was dizzy after being on the rollercoaster, headaches and time gone to waste into something she never really enjoyed because she didn't have any friends. She'd always been busy trying to climb the social ladder to even consider the possibility that, going into the tea cups or the bumper cars was actually… _fun._

It was as if he'd known… as if he'd wanted her to see life from a different perspective, to relive her high school life from another angle; and the most interesting part was that he hadn't known her enough to see her misery when they'd been kids.

He'd made her laugh, he'd made her feel comfortable… he'd made her feel happy… and that was quite an accomplishment.

They were on their way to his car now that the evening was over, the both of them in silence, except for the sounds of laughter echoing behind them. They were walking side by side, her eyes momentarily stealing glances at him to see his expression while she finished eating the last cotton candy of the night.

"_So…"_ she broke the silence, as usual _"How did you end up being a water polo coach here in Berkeley?"_

"_Ah well…"_ he said as he opened the passenger door of the car to let her in. _"It was because of a girl really…"_

"_Are you trying to be cute again__, hinting I'm the girl? 'Cause really… that one's not gonna work"_ she said once he got into the car.

"_No, I'm serious…"_ he said as he started the ignition and began backing up.

"_How did a girl manage to make you move? That doesn't sound like you. "_ she asked confused.

"_Well, I had my Portland whoring days, but when I was in college I met her. Her name was Alicia and she was pretty much a hard to get, which at first I found as a conquest…"_ he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and she was reminded again of one of his virtues: his bluntness.

"_That's more like it.__"_ she said nodding emphatically.

"_But later on, I fell in love with her. We had a relationship… and she was moving states because her father died and I decided to follow her. We lived together for about six months… and then it just… ended. By that point I'd already gotten a job here, and I was closer to my mom and the twins, so I thought why move back?"_

"_In a nutshell of course…"_ she said half sarcastically.

"_What about you? How did you get out from the Newport Bubble?"_ he ignored her comment, briefly taking his eyes off the road to see her.

"_Me?"_ she said innocently putting a hand over her chest.

"_No, the fairy sitting in the back seat"_ his sarcasm made her smile.

As soon as the smile faded away, she began dwelling into thought the answer she would give him. It didn't matter what she said, what she didn't say, or what she would just hint for him to figure out for himself, the subject of _him_ was gonna come out eventually. It was the way things were supposed to be. _Ryan_ would always be a huge part of her life and there wasn't a way she could answer Luke's question straightly without remembering she actually stayed in Berkeley because of _him_. She'd stayed because _he'd_ asked her five years ago, and even when _he_ chose someone else over her barely nine months before, she'd stayed there in Berkeley because she didn't know any other way.

As she looked down to her fingernails, the stinging feeling that always came hand in hand with the memory of _Ryan_ began filling her from the inside out. _He_ was there buried in her soul and it didn't matter how great the night had been without her thinking about _him_, _he_ might as well be sitting in the back seat of that car for how strongly she felt _his_ presence. For a second or so she hated herself for this, for carrying _him_ with her wherever she went, for holding _their_ history and _their_ five years of happiness up high on a pedestal that made the happiness of this night shine dimly in comparison to _him_. Luke was a nice guy, a nice guy who was obviously interested in her.

And in order to try and be fair with him, she had to tell the truth, the only truth she knew in spite of her pain.

"_It was because of a guy actually"_ she tried to put casually.

He looked at her briefly and kept on driving in silence. She wasn't sure if it was because he was expecting her to continue without saying another word, or because he was dreading her answer, just like she was.

"_I was moving back to France and he asked me to stay here. We had a long term relationship filled with great moments and it just… ended when he unconsciously chose an ex over me. By that time, I'd already gotten a job here, a job which I__ don't like by the way, and everybody who'd learned to love me was here. So I thought why move back to France now?"_ she said as quickly as she could, and as normally as the lump in her chest could allow her for Luke not to notice the breakdown she was having internally. Gosh, _he_ was there…

_He wasn't going anywhere._

"_In a nutshell… of course"_ he said, his voice careful, as if a louder tone would make her break.

They fell into an awkward silence all the rest of the ride home, partially because she felt that if she tried to utter another word, she would start crying and Luke was technically still a stranger. And something in the air told her he knew that.

She had to hand it to him… he was a really perceptive guy.

"_Luke…"_ she said shifting in her seat when they reached her building

"_Hey…"_ he said looking at her _"I knew you had some issues. And I know there's more history in that truck than the nutshell version. But I'm not going anywhere ok? And I'm getting involved in this at my own risks. I'm a big boy… I know what I'm doing."_

He was really perceptive. Just like _he_ used to be.

"_I just don't want you__ to end as a scapegoat."_ Her voice was soft and low, still staring into his eyes.

"_If a scapegoat's what you need to be the girl I saw tonight__ with the infectious and ridiculous laughter on the rollercoaster, and bumper cars, and the Ferris wheel, then that's what I'll be. I am not giving up on you. Not like _that_ guy"_ he squeezed her hand and for a second, a smile traced on her lips.

He wasn't expecting more from her than she could give, and he wasn't expecting her to do anything. For the first time she was getting involved into something where someone could heal _her_, not the other way around. She unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car silently, a weak smile plastered on her lips.

"_Thank you… for everything."_ she mumbled as she closed the door and began heading to the building without looking back. Her mind completely disjointed, far from reality…

It was funny how a night could change with just one question.

Every step she took up the stairs was filled with his last words: _"Not like_ that _guy"_

When had _he_ become _that_ guy? When had _he_ become an unspeakable name? When exactly had _he_ turned from being her prince Eric, to _"he who shall not be named"?_ If only _he_ could be the one she needed _him_ to be. If only _he_ could act like the good guy who'd just dropped her off. She opened the door to her apartment and she tried to remember the last time when _he'd_ dedicated his undivided attention to her before the whole Lindsay storyline; but the more she began to dig into her memory, the more she realized that hadn't happened in a really long time. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd kissed _him_ with the intensity that had characterized their encounters, or the last time _he'd_ squeezed her hands just like the guy who was trying to find his way in her life now.

_He'd_ used to be like him and more. When had _he_ become _"_that_ guy"_?

She crashed her body on her couch, feeling all drained of energy from the exhausting thinking process that had started since Luke had asked that question. In the shadows of her home, she barely distinguished the torn cables of the answering machine from earlier that day, and she snorted silently at the memory. Her mind quickly put two and two together and she began looking for her cell phone to see if more of his insistent phone calls had taken place in her absence…

… She was too tired to admit that she just wanted to hear his voice again.

But what she didn't know… was that what she was going to hear was gonna send her senses into overdrive for the amount of… something her heart produced sitting in that couch.

"_Taylor… it's me. Look, I'm not good at doing this. You know that better than anyone, but I guess I'm gonna take my chances now. I've been calling you for two weeks because… there's something I need to tell you. I broke up with Lindsay. I'm not telling you because I'm expecting you to welcome me with open arms or anything, I just thought you should know that I love you. And I'm sorry for everything I've put you through… I'm sorry for never appreciating what you were in my life. You've always been the one in my heart Taylor… and I've realized, it doesn't matter what's happened in the past, that's water under the bridge now… you're the one. There is no other "you" out there for me… _

_I just thought you should know that, please, call me back"_

By the time his voice stopped filling her eardrums, a tear was rolling down her cheek. She'd wished with all her heart that it would've been a tear of happiness or maybe even rage. After hearing that phone message she desperately wanted to feel angry at him for just leaving that without… without even daring to show up, but instead, her whole soul and every thread of living cells in her body was just full with… weariness.

She didn't know what to do right now. Maybe, if _he'd_ called right in the middle of the date, she would've told _him _it was too late. There was someone else out there trying to mend her heart because _he'd _bruised it, whether _he'd_ chosen to see that or not. But now, after having ended a date with a guy who had a lot of resemblance to how _he_ used to be once, and after having spent the last twenty minutes with_ him_ inside her head, she was too tired to fight back the feeling.

Right now, she didn't want to think about her future with Luke or her past with _him_. She didn't want to analyze it, she didn't want to cry about it, she didn't want to go straight into Luke's arms now because that would made her like _him _and she didn't want to run into _his_ arms because that would make things… why not? Easier.

She knew _him_… and right now, she wished she didn't.

She didn't want to do anything…

The phone rang about twice before he'd picked it up with a numb and sleepy _"hello?"_ that almost chilled her heart. If she hadn't felt so tired and so numb, she would've probably be cursing herself for letting _him_ do that to her… reeling her over the edge with just one word, and not being there at the bottom of the cliff to catch her.

"_So I called…"_ her voice was hoarse and weaker than she'd anticipated. It was then when she noticed the knot pushing its way up her throat.

"_Hey__"_ he answered certainly. For how sleepy he'd sound just seconds ago, she would've thought he'd have a tough time knowing who was talking… but he didn't.

"_Now what?"_ her voice came out exhausted and low.

Apparently he picked up the difficulty on her tone and in a matter of seconds, his voice turned alert and he said: _"I said I wasn't expecting anything…"_

"_Good."_ Her voice came across hallow. _"Because I'm not doing anything."_

For a second there was silence in the line. The void of sound must've only taken just a second, but that was enough for her to corroborate he wasn't ready for the answer she'd just given him. The silence ended the moment when he cleared his throat and mumbled a vague _"Ok…"_ that it wouldn't have been audible for any regular human being. But she knew him…

Sometimes she wished she didn't.

"_I was on a date tonight."_

He'd never thought he'd feel someone ripping out his heart more vividly. He felt his breath catch in his throat, never getting to his lungs as he sat back down on the bed, his free hand on his knees, completely numb now. The simple thought of her going on a date with someone else just made his stomach want to throw its contents out of his system, the sensation being too dizzying and suffocating than he'd thought was humanly possible. For a second his mind drifted its thoughts to nine months in the past… and now, just now, he was able to comprehend a little of how she'd felt when he was around with Lindsay.

Just now.

"_Good to know"_ he choked out and immediately kicked himself. Good to know? Why was he choosing to be sarcastic now?

She was confused by his answer for a second, but she kept on talking because this was a conversation somewhere in her heart she wished she didn't have to have with him.

"_By the end of the night, he knew I'd been hurt before and he still said he was getting involved with me at his own risks. _He's_ not expecting anything from me Ryan"_

Her voice turned into a barely audible whisper, and he actually pressed the phone unto his ear to hear her words, because he was aware now that the entire future of his life was hanging in her voice. He found the pitch of her melodic voice pick up an octave as she said that last sentence… and somehow, he got a clue of where this conversation was headed. She thought he wanted something from her… and she was right.

"_Whoever this guy __is and us…" _his voice had a hint of anger_. "It's completely different."_

"_I know…"_ she said in a really long sigh _"And I know you… don't say you're not expecting anything from me…"_ her voice was sooo exhausted, but so resolute. _"You want answers."_

"_I want you…"_ he didn't care if he sounded pleading… he didn't care if he sounded needy, if it was too corny or too girly or… too much like Seth… he wanted to make sure she knew that was the truth.

"_For now"_ her response took him out of his reverie. It brought him back to reality _"But how long until, your words, not mine "the water under the bridge", as in our baby, sums back into the equation?"_

If it hurt more for her to say that sentence, or if it hurt more for him to hear it, was something that would never be known. Both sides of that line where just aching in the silence left by that question… as if she was begging for him to never answer and he was begging to whoever was listening to turn back time and undo this whole mess.

But he had to answer… he had to.

"_I can't help but want to know that…__"_ He didn't lie, and she was grateful, even if it broke her heart a little _"but I don't love you because I wonder…"_

"_Please stop… I can't do this if you do that."_ her voice was soft and hurt, and he immediately did what she said. This conversation had a point… even if he couldn't see it yet. _"The thing is Ryan, that you want something you haven't even asked. You haven't asked what happened with our baby, you haven't asked why I did what I did… a lot of people have asked me Ryan but none of them have been you. You've just told me you want to 'understand' things… and somewhere under there… you're expecting me to give you what you need without you needing to come to me…"_

"_I can't just… ask…"_ oh wow… he was the one with the knot now… a bunch of tears threatening to fall at any second.

"_I know…"_ her voice was a soft sob; she wasn't even trying to hide the tears now. She cut him off before he could hurt more because of the reality of their situation. _"Just like I can't tell you without you coming here. You think I owe it to you to give you answers… just like I think you owe it to me to figure it out on your own…"_

She couldn't have said it clearer than that. It was true. He'd never asked her why she'd had an abortion, or if she'd had an abortion because subconsciously, he was still mad and hurt by her doing something without his approval. All the pain and anger he'd held against her the four months succeeding their break up were still there lying underneath the surface and his heart thought she should be the one to answer everything… she was the one mistaken to his eyes.

And for her… well, the pain she'd went through was a lot more tangible. She'd felt she'd always spelled things out for him the last year they'd been together… and having so many people around who'd seen she wouldn't even think of hurting him so badly by having an abortion and him not figuring that out was like an indicator of the fact that he'd never known her… She knew that wasn't entirely true… she knew he knew the workings of her mind inside and out… but still… she thought he owed it to her…

"_When did we become a bargaining deal?"_ his voice was rough and dry…

"_When did you become _that_ guy?"_ was her numb response.

"_I don't know…"_

"_It doesn't matter… it still hurts"_ she choked out.

He didn't dare to say anything right now. He was afraid a wrong word, a wrong sound would make the pieces of his heart breaking audible… or worse… it would make the breaking of hers evident for him now. How much had he hurt her? He wasn't sure he wanted to know. When had he become the guy who'd played with her heart, who'd damaged her? When had he become her torture… because for the sound of her voice and the still remaining sobs on the line… he realized that's what he was… her torture.

In a second, he immediately remembered how she started that conversation. There was someone out there who was willing to get involved with her… someone who could possibly steal her away…

He wanted to punch something… now.

"_This guy reminded me a little of you…"_ and her words weren't helping. _"Of how we used to be if we took away the crazy ex girlfriends in every corner."_ She laughed sarcastically and that's when he knew the biggest punch to his heart was gonna come: when she was using dark humor to get by.

"_And if he can hold in comparison to _you_ even if only a little, even if he's not expecting me to fall for him… _

_I can't say I won't"_

_----------------------------------_

**_Oh btw, I got accepted on the English/Literature program in Uni!!! YAY for me!!! make me even happier by reviewing!_**

**_xoxoxo_**


	19. Underneath It All

**Author's Note: **_(sigh) So, I'm sorry! I'm sooooo sorry for the delayed on this chapter. This chapter just took me sooo long to write, and I guess I was just so wrapped up on making it be great, nothing I wrote was something I liked... in fact, I still consider this isn't one of my best chapters of this story. But it was necessary... and hopefully it fulfills its purpose of leaving you wanting for more. Special Thanks to my amazing best friend beta'er Lesley, this wouldn't have been possible without you, and special thanks to Gillian, who was also super supportive... Anyways, Read and review! _

_OH!! BTW... I decided to continue "The Dawning Day", the feedback I got was sooo awesome, and that one's gonna get updated once I update one of my other two stories. Love you all bunches! xoxoxo_

**Chapter 19**

"**Underneath It All"**

The pounding sound of his knuckles hitting the hard wood of the new-Cohen-family's door reached his brain at an unbelievable speed, and he felt a surge of adrenaline start coursing through his body. It was as if for the past two days, his senses had been enhanced almost in an abnormal way, making him feel everything around him sharper than it had been for the past nine months.

The lack of sleep produced by her final words: _"…even if he's not expecting me to fall for him, I can't say I won't",_ had made something inside him break off, sending him into a catatonic state, much like the one he'd lived when Marissa had died almost six years ago; only worst and much more doomed.

Back then in those days when he'd thought he'd been robbed of the love of his life, his heart had been damaged and broken but he'd created a wall, the same fortress of solitude and pain he'd lived in when he'd first arrived to Newport, to try and shield himself from the guilt of not having been able to save the girl he'd fought three years to keep alive. And ultimately, back then he'd accomplished it.

He'd raised the wall up so high he'd lost touch of reality… Everyone else had thought he'd had a death wish when he'd gotten into the cages night after night just to get beaten up, but the truth was he'd just wanted to remember how the world _felt_ like.

But in this catatonic state produced by his own doing and not an unfair move of fate, he could feel. Oh God… he could feel.

Even the sound of the line going dead after Taylor spoke those last words made him squirm and twitch in agony because he knew that if "_this guy"_, whoever _he_ was, got her to fall for him, she wouldn't be robbed or snatched away from him like Marissa had…

This guy would win her fair and square.

Endless hours of staring at the ceiling, the darkness enveloping his eyes while brooding, had made him taste the bitterness of the words he'd never said, touch the harshness of the very palpable void inside his heart that had been there since the second he closed the door of her apartment, listen to the deafening sobs he was sure had come from her body on more than one occasion and see the ugliness of the undeniable truth: he'd taken her for granted, he'd hurt her, and he was well about to lose her.

He didn't even remember why…

What on Earth had caused all this mess? He wasn't sure… all he knew now was that whatever it had been, it had been his fault. Not hers for having an abortion, not hers for breaking up with him, not hers for not telling him what he wanted to hear… but his, for not being there, for not fighting back, for leaving her for another girl, for never chasing the only soul wandering this world who was worth chasing.

He hated himself for having lost so much time, he hated that it took another _guy_ being in the picture for him to finally snap out of it, get up off his ass and do something. He'd always thought that if there was something going for him, it was his quality of being a fighter, of always rising from the ashes and never losing sight of the things that really mattered… but now? He'd definitely let himself down. And worse, he'd let _her_ down.

He hadn't done the one thing, the only thing her heart had wanted during all these months: he hadn't figured things out. Just like she'd said two nights ago on that defining phone call, he owed her at least that much… and more.

That was the reason he was here in the first place.

He knocked on the door fairly hard, soon feeling the rush of blood forming around his knuckles, giving him a stinging feeling that resembled a little how his heart was racing. He definitely needed to talk to his sister-in-law. Now.

A few seconds later, seconds that walked by as endless hours, she opened the door, her hair slightly messy and running a hand over her face while her eyes adjusted to the light. If he hadn't been racing so much to catch up with his thoughts, he would've felt guilty and horrible for coming over so early in the morning, but he figured he couldn't possibly feel worse and guiltier than he already felt.

So the second she opened the door, he practically forced his way inside, almost knocking the petite brunette over while saying a harsh and hoarse: _"I need to talk to you"_

"_Aren't we __in a happy mood this morning"_ Summer said, her sarcasm really noticeable while she closed the door and recovered from almost being knocked over. _"How many cups of coffee have you drunk already?"_

"_My motivation comes from other places. Listen" _he said as quickly as his Atwood tongue allowed him. He couldn't bear losing more time and he had the feeling Summer wasn't going to be a happy camper with this issue. But she was all he had, at least right now.

"_What do you want Atwood? Because as far as I can remember, you're all koala bear depressing without coffee in the morning"_ Summer said adjusting her hair in a band while she began walking to the kitchen to make herself some of the black liquid followed by an anxious Ryan.

"_I need your help"_ was all he mumbled, practically breathing down her neck while she began pouring water into the coffee machine.

"_It's way too early in the morning for my wisdom, especially __caffeine-less wisdom. This better be good."_

"_It's about Taylor."_ His voice came across as if he was screaming at her. And perhaps he was; God only knew how frustrated he was with himself at the moment, looking for whatever outlet he could have to make things better.

She stopped what she was doing for a second, and without looking at him, he already felt a rage-blackout beginning to form. He was normally scared of her wrath, but again, he really needed her help in order to make things right with Taylor… and for Taylor, he'd do anything.

So he simply inhaled sharply when she said, without bothering to look at him _"Oh I'm sorry… I was expecting this visit nine months ago"_

"_Would you just save the speech for later? I already know I'm an idiot now would you focus?"_ he practically barked at her.

"_Oh I'm sorry; I thought you wanted my help. Well, Summer's help comes with a speech included so suck it up!"_ She looked up at him and he swallowed hard at the dark quality in her eyes. Yeah, she was pissed off already. _"I told you once she has a big heart and that she's super forgiving, but guess what? I'm not Taylor! I'm the rage blackout bitch who hasn't slept through a single night in two weeks because her newborn son, who you just happened to wake up in the few minutes when her baby is sleeping so… excuse me if I feel the need to tell you you're an ass who takes an awful amount of time to actually seek the help and guidance he needs when it comes to matters of the heart."_

"_She went on a date two nights ago"_

"_She did what?"_ Summer's face fell in shock as she took a little step back.

"_With a guy with whom she could possibly fall for if I don't do something"_ he replied nodding while Summer's face was just still in shock and anxious.

"_Then what are you doing here dumb-ass? Go to her place and smack some sense into her!"_ She said slapping him fairly hard on one of his arms.

"_I can't just go over there empty handed…"_ he breathed out exhausted now.

"_If you suggest a quickie mart, Ryan I swear to God…"_ Summer said closing her eyes and shaking her head from side to side.

"_I need to figure out what happened to us without her telling me. Without anyone telling me…"_ he cut her mid sentence running a hand through his face.

"_Oh…"_ Summer said, the image of him going from haywire to just defeated, moving her heart in a lot of ways. He was doing that thing where he sighed and the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He definitely looked like a defenseless baby kangaroo and just like back in the past… she liked to save nature. _"That's what you need me for"_

"_I'd ask Seth, but if he knows something about it_ he tilted his head sideways; still seeming all burdened and tired.

"_He would tell you in a sec because he's a Townwood shipper"_ she said slowly, finally catching up with what was happening here. She could be so slow sometimes early in the morning.

"_A what?"_ he asked confused, and it was then when she realized what she'd said.

"_Oh. You know? Brangelina, Bennifer, Sethummer…?"_ she giggled for a second. _"Seth and I thought it was appropriate to name you guys too since Taylor had named us"_

"_Right… focusing please…"_ he arched his eyebrows, the racing quality back again in his eyes. It was the first time Summer had seen him so resolute about something… so determined to do things fast and save what was left of his relationship with Taylor. And in some way, it made her happy.

"_Look Ryan, I love you… in a completely non-creepy way"_ she stated gesturing between them. _"But I don't see why you're here. Everything you need to know, it's already inside you."_

"_I thought psyching me was Taylor's job…"_ he snorted and let his shoulders fall for a moment.

"_You want my help or not?"_ she glared at him, narrowing her eyes.

"_Fire away."_ He gestured with his hand as she straightened her posture a little.

"_Just for the record… I'm gonna prove to you that you already know everything there's to know because, unlike you and Coop, who I'm sure has wandered your thoughts at some point, you and Taylor are not a disaster when you're together. Only when you're apart"_ she said that last sentence quickly before putting her hands together and taking a deep breath. _"Now"_.

"_Ok…"_ he began relaxing his shoulders as if he was gonna run for a marathon or something.

"_You remember five years ago, when we had a conversation like this one, __in a kitchen like this and I tried choking you?"_ she said staring at his eyes.

"_Yeah…"_

"_Remember why we were having that conversation in the first place?"_ she asked briefly.

"_Because I was gonna lose her if I didn't tell her how I felt."_ He said absently.

"_Do you think she wanted you to tell her how you felt back then?"_ she asked accentuating the tone in her voice a little.

"_Of course she wanted me to tell her..."_ he answered a little annoyed because he didn't see the point to this yet.

"_Did she ever tell you that?"_ her voice lingered for a moment in the silence until he spoke a single _"No."_

"_Why didn't she?"_ Summer asked again.

"'_Cause she thought she was asking me to do something unfair…or something I didn't want to do, or wasn't ready to do."_

"_What happened when you wrote her the poem Ryan?"_ her tone was beginning to sound more insistent with every question.

"_She left. She asked for space. She pulled away"_ his tone was a little more insistent now.

"_Why?"_ it was like a controlled scream now.

"_Because that's what Taylor does! She… keeps stuff in when she thinks she's being too pushy or forcing people to love her."_

"_Exactly!"_ Summer's voice was matching his.

He actually saw the slightest trace of a smile form on Summer's lips when he yelled that, and he felt how a piece of his broken heart fell back into place, when she screamed back. The more she asked, and the racy his answers got, the more it all was starting to be clearer. The more all the fuzziness and blurriness of these nine months began fading away…

The more he learned to breathe.

"_Do you love her, Ryan?"_ her voice was back to being a soft whisper that forced him to look into her brown eyes again.

"_Of course I do…"_ he answered firmly and softly.

"_Do you think she loves you…?"_ her tone was still soft and her eyes began piercing into his.

"_A part of her still does…"_ he answered, a cold white pain running through his veins because he knew he'd lost a little of her love with all this… hiding from what was destined to be.

"_Ok. Then I'm gonna say this one thing"_ she stepped forward and grabbed his hands in hers and gripped them tight. _"People don't change. We might change our hobbies, our clothes; we might get more environmentally friendly cars. We might become successful people, we might grow up. But underneath it all, we're the same scared people we once were. Inside of us, we are at eighty who we are at eight. People don't change. We might change tactics… but our reasons remain the same…"_

It'd been as if every word spoken by her had been said slower than normal, every syllable registering in his brain in a different way, as if it'd been the first time in his life when he'd used his sense of hearing and his reasoning at the same time. He wasn't sure of how Summer did it… and to be honest, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know, all he cared about now was how he hadn't see it earlier.

With the first "people don't change" said by his sister-in-law, the first obvious question that should've been answered a long time ago, began blinking insistently a warning shade of red inside his head: _"Why had she waited until the last moment to tell him she was pregnant?"_

She loved him. Nine months back in the past when all of this had started, Taylor loved him; and for someone like her, the normal way to show that love was through communication. For him, it was always more the underestimated details like sweeping that strand of hair away from her forehead, or rubbing his thumb over her hand the ways he chose to remind her how much he cared, but for someone who chattered her way through life because she couldn't stand uncomfortable silences, it wasn't difficult to understand that most of her ramblings and sharing every thought that went through her head was because she desperately wanted him to get to know her… and everything about her life.

It'd been because of that, that when she'd first realized her ex husband's book was in Newport, she'd come clean at the first chance she'd gotten, it'd been because of that, that whenever there was the slightest change on her schedule when they were in college, she'd tell him immediately and it'd been because of that, that now, he didn't find it right that she hadn't told him about something so big, like a pregnancy up until when nothing could've been done.

There had to be something. There had to be a reason and an even bigger explanation as to why she hadn't disclosed that information to him. If they'd been fine and their relationship was so stable not even the passing years and the inclemency of time had worn them down, then there had to be a game-changer, a factor, a detail, that had made her think that something as big and exhilarating as having a baby together would've been, _had_ to wait.

And it didn't matter how he cut it, because there wasn't any other way to cut it anyway, the reason was Lindsay.

All those times when he'd spent more time with Lindsay than with Taylor started playing up in a wide-screen with surround sound in front of his eyes. All the times when he'd unconsciously chosen to hang five more minutes with this seemingly vulnerable girl with a broken past that for a brief space of three months had been joined with his, over being with the girl that should've had his future, started making it clearer and clearer to him that Taylor had just felt vulnerable… and most likely alone as well.

Summer's words still lingered in the air: _"underneath it all we're the same scared people we once were"_ and with every sound that came out of her tongue he was able to realize he'd made all the insecurities hidden by a bunch of facades, resurface in Taylor. Even when she'd never said it out loud, not ever, he'd known she'd felt intimidated by Marissa's memory and that her poor heart was afraid that she wouldn't live up to a ghost's memory. But with Lindsay's presence, he was starting to realize now, it'd been way more different. Lindsay wasn't dead, she'd been suddenly back in their lives, and him, instead of reassuring Taylor like he'd done whenever Marissa's name had been mentioned earlier in their relationship, he'd just paid more attention to the other girl… leaving God only knew what kind of thoughts inside his girlfriends head…

His pregnant girlfriend's head…

She must've thought he was happier with Lindsay than with her; that he'd been longing for a past she couldn't give him and God forbid that he'd been realizing slowly he'd made a mistake by making her his girlfriend. The more Summer's words wandered in the air, the more he started seeing things with the eyes of the woman he loved more than life itself, and his heart began crushing at the thought of knowing what he'd put her through. She must've thought there wasn't place in his life anymore for her, let alone for a family, so she'd waited to see which one was his choice, to see if he loved her…

And he never once came through.

She must've felt he was forcing himself to love her, and that if she randomly told him about the baby, he would force himself to love them both, and considering she knew from his own mouth the whole Theresa situation, she must've thought she would rob him from happiness with _Lindsay._ God, how much he wanted to go over there now and beg for forgiveness on his knees for screwing up so bad the best thing that had happened in his entire life.

A flashback to a scene in the past started going through his brain, her perfect silhouette framed by a red dress he'd never be able to forget with the words _"And I just want you to be happy"_ echoing in his eardrums as if it was her the one in front of him. All she'd ever wanted was for him to be happy… so if he was happy with her, she'd stay by his side, but if she so much as thought he was happy with someone else, she would step back… baby or no baby.

Because that was what Taylor did. She kept stuff in whenever she thought she was being too pushy or forcing people to love her.

So that'd been why she'd never told him she was pregnant… and by the time Summer's speech ended with _"We might change tactics, but our reason's remain the same"_, his body went cold as he understood at least a little of how it felt like to walk a mile on her shoes.

But it still didn't feel like it was enough.

The more the thoughts and the pain revolved in his head, the more he felt a bunch of walls closing in against him, still trapping him in something that just didn't feel right. It didn't matter how he reason it or how much he twisted it; it didn't matter if he understood why she hadn't told him… because he did, and he was sorry for putting her in that place and if there was ever a way to go back in time and fix things, he would… but it still didn't explain the abortion.

Memories of two weeks ago with her and Sophie and with Samuel afterwards started confusing him because the face she portrayed during both times, was the same face she'd shown when they were together and they'd take the kids to play… it was the same girl who, someday, wanted to be the mother she never had. The presence she showed and the aura she wore were of someone sweet and kind who knew how it felt to be in pain and all she wanted was to save everyone from the same heartache; Ever since they'd broken up, she'd seemed to be this wonderful and innocent brokenhearted beauty whose dreams had gone far away from her reach because they'd been ripped away. Whenever he was around her he never once felt a smothering air of regret or a coldness that would justify her decision of having an abortion.

And it finally dawned on him that nothing would.

If there was something he'd learned from his time with Taylor was that she never did things out of the blue. Even when you felt like she was just being crazy or overreacting, with just the right amount of time and a good set of eyes that could see right through her heart, you'd realize everything had a reason for being the way it was. If she'd stalked him it was because she wanted to be near him, if she gave him a scrapbook with a ton of pictures that other people would've found creepy, it was because she cared, and if she hadn't told him about being pregnant from the start it was because she was afraid of being pushy. With her it was always the essential paradox… give and take, push and pull, action and reaction… and if he couldn't see an underlying reason by _now_ as to why she'd had an abortion…

It was because she hadn't done it.

And all of the sudden, her having an abortion seemed less poisonous for both his soul and hers, than the alternative.

Which was, that she'd had a miscarriage…and he hadn't been there.

She wouldn't have lied to him about being pregnant to break up with him; that was just not an option; he couldn't explain it or reason it but that was just not her… _lying_ was not like her. She'd always been straightforward with him about anything good, bad or worse; and the other option, that she'd lied about having an abortion to make things more bearable for him, just made his heart race in between rage and guilt at the thought of her _having_ to do that for him.

He'd never thought clarity could hurt so much. It never had… at least not any truths or realizations he'd come to know about her. Every new detail he'd perceived, every reason behind her attitude had just made him love her more at the end of the day, and even when he knew her intentions well now, it didn't stop him from feeling guilty with that drop of betrayal on it.

He knew he wasn't in his place, all things considered, to feel betrayed because she hadn't told him. After all if he hadn't been so slow to show her how much he loved her or if he hadn't needed to come here and listen to a speech to remember her how the love of his life was wired, she would've told him herself. If he hadn't been such an ass none of this had happened in the first place… but still… he felt a little mad. At himself, at her, he didn't want to know right now. All he needed was to see her, and make sure by the look in her eyes if there was hope still to make things right, because he really wasn't sure if there was any.

He'd just realized how his whole fairy tale with her had become an obscure nightmare that you couldn't escape no matter what. Was there a way to fix this? Was there a light at the end of the tunnel after all, and if there was… did that light at the end guide her to him? It hit him hard to remember what was the whole point that had guided him here… there was _another guy._ Another guy who could give her a clean slate, a life without a past filled with broken pieces she'd never know how to glue back together, a new beginning open for possibilities and free of this… drama he'd put her in; a guy who could save her much like she'd done the saving back in the past… but if there was one thing he was sure, for better or for worse… was that it didn't matter if this guy turned out to be Superman, he was gonna have to fight like Kid Chino to keep the girl.

Suddenly he could've cared less if the odds were on his side or not, he knew he'd screwed up, he knew the damage he'd caused and that there was a big chance she might not ever let him get near her again… but he wouldn't just take anything for granted anymore. He was gonna work his ass off to get her to open up to him once more because a life without her, like the one he'd lived these past months was not an option.

He just wouldn't lose her… not without a fight.

Without another word, he let go of Summer's hands and began walking to the door, and just like many years before when he'd raced to her hotel room to ask her to stay, he began driving to her apartment, not even sure of what to say or what to do… but just with the aching need of making things better… of telling her that he was sorry, and even when that didn't make up for anything, at least doing what she had wanted him to do all this time could start the healing…

He just couldn't fathom losing her, no matter how bad he'd acted, no matter how horrible he'd been… he just couldn't lose her.

Because underneath it all, he was the same guy who had loved her even before their first kiss and the guy who would fight his way back into her life to make sure she knew that _no one_ else in the world, could ever love her like he did.


	20. I Never Saw It Coming

**Author's Note: **_So this one will be brief. I'm sorry for taking so long to update, if you've been keeping track of my other stories you've known I've updated others and I'm planning to be updating those more often too. There are parts of this Chapter that I feel are a little rough, because to be honest I thought I'd lost the groove of this story (shocker, I know) but apparently I'm back on this horse baby! It's been a while, but this story's here to stay. Thanks to all of my reviewers. You all know I'm a review-whore so please please please... share your thoughts at the end. _

_Oh! The sore throat/nausea thing happens to me, don't know if I'm alone on that one lol. _

_Scroll away. _

* * *

**Chapter 20**

"… **I Never Saw It Coming"**

He parked his Rover in the middle of the parking lot and raced as far as he could to the gates of the building. He knew there was a slight chance she wasn't there, he knew there was a big possibility of him never even getting inside the apartment… but he was sick of just not trying. Pain tore right through his soul but more than that, there was a big need of making things right.

Yes, he was frustrated, hurt and angry both at himself… and as much as he hated to admit it, at her too. He understood her reasoning behind the lie, most importantly he understood the whole thing… but he'd learned during those brief hours that knowing the facts and understanding them _doesn't_ make things easier, and since he was face to face with the fact that he'd screwed up, it made it a little bearable to blame it all on her not telling him.

It was childish, it was wrong… but it just hurt.

It'd always been hard for him to detach pain from anger. For the longest time, since he'd been a kid, anger was far more reliable than being vulnerable, not to mention it gave one hell of a survival weapon. Maybe it was his temper… maybe it was those traces of his personality that would never go away, but he just couldn't avoid feeling that surge of burning fire rising up within him as he got inside the building.

But still it felt… weird. Usually anger clouded his judgment, making him lose sight of what he was seeking, but not this time. If only, being angry just made him remember that, more powerful than the deception he was feeling… she was the factor that ran through his veins.

It was her.

He didn't understand how exactly his reasoning was working… he was confused to say the least but still, for once the confused state of his mind wasn't preventing him from acting. He needed to see her, and his legs seemed to agree as he kept running up the stairs and finally stood in front of her door.

He bent the weight of his upper body as his hands came to rest on his knees while he took big calming breaths from running so much. He wasn't sure if it was the lack of air going to his brain at that particular moment, but something inside of him snapped, and a new sensation, completely different from the one he'd been feeling, began taking part of his heart: Fear.

But it wasn't the kind of paralyzing fear that would make him turn around and walk away, and it wasn't the kind of fear that would suddenly make him mute and throw all the progress of this day down the drain. It was a distinct fear… one he realized he hadn't had with Taylor ever before.

'What if _he_ answered the door?'

She'd gone out on a date two nights ago, and not that he thought it was common for her to have someone spending the night after only one date, just imagining someone else with her, taking his place and giving her all the promises he'd made and had failed to fulfill, reminded him that he had something to lose…

Just like anger usually related to pain, fear was always related to having something to lose…

And he couldn't lose her.

Only she could trigger in him feelings so opposite, such as fear, anger and love all at once. It was her and her alone, and he would make sure it would remain that way.

He straightened his body up and with one last sigh; his eyes came to rest on the brown strong wood he'd crashed nine months ago. It was funny, he was about to knock on the same door he'd closed and expect for it to open and give him a fresh start.

The memories played out quickly, it was unrealistic to expect otherwise, but he wasn't here to dwell on the past… not anymore… he was here to give the past some closure and focus on a new future… like it was intended to be.

So he knocked on the door, loud and clear, praying all the while that she would open up.

But she didn't.

After about five minutes of knocking hard on the wood and not getting an answer, instead of his anger picking up the pace or giving up like he would've done months ago, he began worrying.

He knew she was there because he could hear the faint sound of music coming from a radio inside the apartment. After all this time, it was still part of her routine. Her alarm clock would blare some random radio station at exactly 7:00 am _every single_ morning and she would only turn it off when she was leaving to go to work, and on weekends, the same random station could play all day long, depending if there was something interesting to watch on TV or if she was going somewhere with him.

That last realization of the past almost hurt to remember, in fact, it hurt to remember how much he knew little stuff like that, but he immediately shook the pain aside and focused on the present.

The radio was still on.

It wasn't such a loud sound that could prevent her from hearing his insistent knock on the door, and he would've heard some steps or something if she was trying to pretend she wasn't there. But it seemed like inside the apartment there were no signals of life; and that didn't play well in his head.

An unsettling feeling began taking the best of him and soon, joined with his fists pounding at the door, were calls for her name, that even though they weren't screams, it was still fairly loud for her to hear… and still she didn't answer the door.

Had she fallen asleep again? No, she was one of those people who, unless they were drunk, were woken up by a pin dropping to the floor. It was impossible she could be asleep with his voice calling, his knocks on the door and the radio inside…

There had to be something wrong.

His breathing grew ragged and shallow, for a second he even contemplated on breaking the door enough to get inside, the need of knowing if she was okay growing bigger by the second. But just like he remembered her little quirk when it came to the radio, he remembered another thing she used to do.

In spite of being organized when it came to files, pictures and cleaning, she could never seem to remember where she left stuff that should be of vital importance. He always used to tease her about it, telling her it was impossible for the great Taylor Townsend to be so absent-minded about something like _keys_: car keys, office keys, drawer keys (he never understood why she locked some of her drawers), and of course, her apartment keys, were always going missing; and after one too many times being locked out of her car and home, she'd decided to give Ryan a spare set of her car keys and to stash, very generically, a spare key to her apartment under the rug.

So he quickly leaned down and removed the rug, and there it was, the silver key shining lazily in the hall. He hesitated a little as the keys began rattling on the lock but very bizarrely it felt… normal. Like all the times he'd used that same key to get into her apartment when they'd been together; way before things went wrong.

Once he found himself inside, just like he'd been listening since he'd stood outside her front door, there was a girl in the radio saying how it was supposed to be a sunny day today. But still Taylor was nowhere to be seen.

Stacks of books were thrown on the table, a few leftovers of some take-out still resting on the kitchen counter. There was fresh coffee in the pot which confirmed his theory of her being there. The more he wandered slowly, the more he got agitated wondering where she was and expecting her not to be okay all the same. The fear he'd felt earlier began reigniting again in the top of his stomach as he softly but worriedly called out her name, and it wasn't until the third time he did, that he heard a sound coming from the bathroom.

As quickly as he could, he ran over there guided by the sounds of her coughing, only to find her sitting on the bathroom floor, her back against the wall, knees to her chest, arms resting on top of her knees and her head on top of her arms. During the car ride from Summer's to her place, he'd created a thousand different scenarios of what would happen the second he saw her, what would he say, what would she say, how would he react, if his anger would rule his judgment; but now that he finally saw her, he seemed to be able to do nothing else than stare at her, leaning against the bathroom's door frame.

On some other occasion he would've blamed it on her breathtaking beauty, or the way she seemed to knock the air right out of him with just a smile, but right now, the spell she'd cast on him was something different… something he couldn't just avoid.

It was weird… to see her so… vulnerable. He hadn't even looked at her face yet and she seemed to be so… fragile. He could only imagine how she must've looked when she'd had a miscarriage and he hadn't been there to hold her hand because he'd been doing God knows what.

The same anger and ache was making his breathing become deeper and he only seemed to control himself once he saw her back moving roughly as he heard rasped coughs escaping her mouth.

And then he reacted.

As controlled and quickly as possible he took a seat next to her on the cold tiles. She was still coughing dryly and severely and she didn't seem to want to turn up her face. From the way she leaned softly to his side, he knew she was aware of his presence and for now, she didn't seem to mind it. Her coughing became more and more insistent and louder; what happened next was instinctive for them both.

He found himself tracing soothing circles around her back wordlessly, and even though it still didn't calm her enough to stop coughing, she understood the intention as she pretty soon, ended with her head on his chest and her arms looped around his waist.

As her breathing calmed down, his practically stopped. There were moments where he wondered if raising his chest too much to allow a deep breath to travel to his lungs would break the timelessness of her embrace. It felt simple, like the day of old… like when he had yet to break up with her, when she had yet to lie to him, when he had yet to pick Lindsay over her… it felt like nothing of that had happened as he breathed in slowly, the smell of lilacs coming from her hair invading his nostrils. All rage, all fear melted away… and it was only her left in the universe.

It was her.

He ran a hand through her hair, the skin of his palms softly brushing her forehead for a second, and it was then when he realized another detail, coming out of his haze; but before he could address it, a barely audible whisper unleashed itself from the dark blonde beauty.

"_Thank you"_ she whispered voicelessly.

"_Shh. __something tells me you shouldn't be talking"_ he responded, and he felt a void when she straightened herself and sat next to him, breaking their embrace.

This encounter was playing out so differently than any scenario he could've created inside his head.

She raised her face and for the first time since he'd been there her eyes met his. There was a chemistry that zapped the short space between them, but they both chose to ignore it, and instead, even if her voice was hoarse and broken she was the one to break the silence.

"_I'm fine"_ she stated as she nodded emphatically closing her eyes. If he hadn't heard her cough and if he hadn't heard how damaged her voice was, he would've believed she looked cocky and confident… just like always.

And he chose to address what he'd noticed before.

"_You have a fever."_

She opened her eyes abruptly and all of the sudden looked as if he had insulted her, and again, if she didn't look so pale, her skin having a sick grayness to it, he would've thought he had just in fact insulted her.

"_I don't have a high fever"_

"_I didn't say it was high, I said you had a fever"_ he retorted.

"_But it's not high…"_ she said as hard as she could and it seemed as if she was about to start coughing again but she looked down and swallowed. He assumed it hurt to swallow since she closed her eyes hard and tore her face away from his.

"_Taylor"_ there it was, the same alarm he'd used to say her name infinite times before seeing her sitting there.

She swallowed and breathed in deep breaths to stop herself from having another coughing fit and when she finally thought she'd managed it, return her face back to his, her hazel eyes revealing a vulnerability that again tightened his stomach unsettlingly.

"_You really shouldn't be talking like that"_ he said whispering, as if he was sick too just so she wouldn't try to match his voice.

"_I can't stand silences"_ she whispered breathlessly and shrugged flashing him a vague and sick smile.

"_What are you doing here?"_ he whispered again, gesturing the bathroom and mainly the bathroom floor.

"_Shouldn't I be asking 'you' that__ question?"_ she said quirking an eyebrow and tilting her head.

He simply bowed his head and accommodated himself in the floor, raising up a knee to his chest and letting one of his arms hang loosely on top of his knee. How to answer that when he didn't even remember himself what he was coming here to fight with her about? He wasn't mad anymore… or scared… what was he doing here?

"_You really shouldn't be talking"_ he replied showing a vague smile as well.

"_You just asked me something"_ she furrowed her brow, still whispering and looking confused.

Busted. Okay… how to answer what he was doing here. His mind went blank even though he remembered the real reason he was here: to tell her he'd figured out the truth and that he was an ass and he wouldn't lose her; but right now, he only wanted to take care of her… nothing else mattered, other than taking care of her.

"_I let myself in with your spare key"_ Okay that didn't exactly answer the question but he was hoping she wouldn't push it, at least not right now.

She shrugged, not at all satisfied with his answer but she was willing to let it pass, as she gave him a confused nod.

"_I suppose __it's your turn to whisper, note the word 'whisper' please, what you are doing sitting here…?"_ he asked, whispering again.

She snorted and rolled her eyes for a moment. He wasn't sure if it was his presence, but even though she was sick, this 'Taylor' resembled a lot the 'Taylor' he'd fell in love with. Suddenly, he found himself wishing it was his presence and not her new found love interest the one who had her slightly happy.

Still she took a deep breath and did her best to whisper an answer.

"_Well, I went out two nights ago"_ his heart kind of stopped at the memory of that fact. _"And I went out without a jacket. The night was kind of… cold? I guess. I didn't think much of it, but yesterday when I woke up, I could barely speak, my throat was killing me and I had a fever. So I went to the doctor…"_

"_You… went to the doctor? And no one forced you?"_ he forced a smile at her while remembering how stubborn she was whenever she got sick when they were together.

"_As I was 'whispering'"_ she used the air quotes _"I felt pretty bad so I went to the doctors and apparently in record time I developed pharyngitis… which is just a name for a cold's throat infection without the runny nose. Apparently is both a viral and bacterial thing combined…"_ she made a grimace and touched her throat with her hands.

"_Okay, I think you should stop talking"_ he said tilting his head towards her.

"_Unlike you, I AM __going to answer your question"_ she replied and he let her speak, before she started pushing the question he hadn't answered. _"So it hurts to eat and having a sore throat has always made me nauseous…"_

"_I know"_ he whispered. That was another quirk he wouldn't ever forget about her.

"_So I've spent the last two hours alternating between throwing up and coughing a lot. I figured it was best to sit here…"_

"_It's okay…"_ he whispered and he held her gaze for what felt like hours. It wasn't a lusty or vibe-y kind of gaze; it was a gaze that pretty much said nothing… it was just silence and unspoken words they knew they weren't telling and somehow still… it felt like… romance.

For how long they would've stayed like that sitting there was such a mystery. They could've lasted for a day, an hour… or even only one more minute… but they would never know because she started coughing raspy once more and he looked at her in her whiter shade of pale beautifulness.

"_See, that's what happens when you go out__ on a date without a jacket"_ he felt her glare at him because of the comment but she was coughing too much to actually respond. It was making it a little harder for her to breathe and he decided to take action. _"First thing we need to do is get your fever down. Once we're done with that, you should stop coughing so much"_

"_Did you start med school and not tell me?"_ she quirked a teasing eyebrow at him.

"_It's just common sense, plus it works every time with Sophie"_ he said that sentence so… low. It was almost like he knew that sentence would create a stuffy air in the room; filled with how it would've been to take care of some other life product of their love. If only…

And just like before, she seemed to be letting everything pass 'unnoticed' and she was the one to break the silence.

"_And how are we __going to do that Mr. Atwood? It's not like I can take pills, I haven't had breakfast and I just drank a cup of coffee and I was puking… my guts out… what are you doing?"_

By now, he'd practically carried her to the edge of the bathtub, his body half kneeled in front of her removing the flip flop sandals she used to wander around the apartment.

He didn't say a word, and besides their previous embrace, it was the first time where she really noticed him. Like really, really noticed him. He had bags around his eyes that suggested he hadn't slept for at least two nights in a row, she knew that slight lines around his eyes… the ones that formed when he'd been brooding too much over something. She wasn't dense… she knew it was her that had deprived him from sleep. She knew it'd been their last phone call and all the issues they'd left sitting below the surface the ones that had been living under his skin. She knew that because in between her sick state, those same issues had been hunting her too.

She'd thought he would've asked her what he wanted to know by now… and maybe he would've if she hadn't been sick. If it was because she was sick or because he couldn't will himself to ask her yet, she would never know because sadly, in life there was no room for 'what if's' as hard as it was admitting it, having for ever something to wonder herself.

He removed both her flip flops so slowly and he then raised his face to meet her eyes. She kept on looking at him, her expression dull and amazed, mixed with the haze caused by the fever, as he brought the rest of his body up, his face just a scarce inch away from hers. Both his hands were gripping the edge of the bathtub at each side of her body, practically trapping her in the process. It felt like a whole new sensorial experience, to breathe the same air as him when it'd been so long since something like that had happened.

She'd almost forgotten how intense those blue orbs could get when they'd stop and stare at her in fascination mixed with some sort of… heaviness… the heaviness and conflict she could see eating away at him. It wasn't lust… but it wasn't just chemistry what was so electrifying about the way he slowly, oh so slowly, raised one of his hands and delicately put it on her neck and then her forehead… it was a sense of true concern; it was a glimpse of the guy he'd been.

It hurt so much to not be able to turn back time.

The haze was broken by him this time… she wasn't sure why, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to know what would've happened if he hadn't tore his gaze from her, especially considering the issue still hanging in the air; and for once she was grateful he wasn't ready to know either.

Breaking all possible contact with her, her forehead feeling lonely once he removed his hand, he just whispered: _"It is a high fever"_

She gave him a breathless smile as he got up and began walking to the other side of the bathroom; her eyes helplessly following him… as he said, his back to her: _"So you should take a shower…"_

"_The towels are…"_ she murmured.

"_In the third cabinet, I know…"_ he said without turning to face her as he opened the cabinet. He found a towel fast but he still took at least two seconds to turn around, she assumed he was composing himself from the same indescribable sensation she'd just felt.

"_So you're gonna take a shower…__"_ he repeated, finally turning around and giving her a nervous smile as he handed her the towel _"That should get your fever down for a while. In the meantime, I'll be outside organizing the stack of books you have on the table and turning off your freaking radio"_

She released a short breath at his attempt to lighten the mood and nodded as he stopped for less than a second to watch her before closing the door.

Of all the possible turns this day could've taken, he never once imagined it would be like this.

After she'd gotten out of the shower, which had resulted into being one of the longest showers in history, he'd already searched through her kitchen supplies and he'd made her something to eat. As he'd predicted, her fever went down for a while, at least enough for her to cough less; and even though it was still hard for her to swallow without feeling nauseous, she'd been able to take all her medicines without them falling on an empty stomach.

It'd felt so good for him, to have this time; this parenthesis where he'd been able to clear his head before saying all he had to say. She was sick and that reminded him of how much he cared for her, no matter what had happened in the past. He wasn't worthy of taking care of her, and to be honest there was a part of him that wondered why she'd let him stay… Sure, she'd asked him what he was doing there another time when they'd began watching a movie, her lying on her couch while he was sitting on a chair at the table, and he just said Summer had told him she was sick and he'd decided to stop by; which wasn't true at all but she didn't seem to read much into it. She'd let the issue of why he was there die without another word… She didn't seem eager to show him the door and part of him wondered if it was because there was hope for the two of them.

But at the same time, this feeling always pushed his heart telling him that as amazing as this interval was, there wasn't a way they could be the same people they once were. There was just too much water under that bridge…

And as he sat there brooding, looking at the floor as she read a book still lying on the couch, he remembered something else that happened during the day, almost six hours ago now.

She'd asked him for a blanket that was in her room, and he'd gone looking for it; and while he'd gone in there with no other intention than to help the woman he loved, his eyes landed on the same lily diary he'd given her way back in the past, as a promise that she could fulfill all of her dreams… and that he'd be with her every step of the way.

The bitter sweetness he'd felt as his eyes touched the black notebook was so powerful, as powerful as her, that he didn't even notice when he began flipping through the pages… and as a work of destiny… his eyes read:

"_Sometimes I wish you could see me in a different light Ryan; that you could at least remember a little of how life was for me when this all started so you could maybe see why I lied to you clearly._

At the sight of that last sentence, the slight anger and the tight knot was back in his throat… and still, he willed himself to keep reading.

"_It's funny how you can miss someone who's there everyday, because you were, I'm not saying you weren't. But it wasn't the "you" I fell in love with. It was as if it was only your shadow and never you the one I woke up to… and I wish you could just see how much I missed you."_

He swallowed hard at the words that she never said, plastered inerasable in that hurtful ink… seeing all the moments flash in front of him, watching helplessly all the moments that slowly turned him into another person… someone who'd stopped choosing her and had stopped being the guy she'd fell in love with.

"_How much is it going to take you to see things, if you're ever going to see them? I don't know. I waited for you when I lost our baby, a teeny little part of me waited for you to know me enough to see through my façade and stay, instead of going back to Lindsay when I lied to you, and I know it's not fair but I did… __I waited for you… _

_I__ can't wait anymore"_

She wasn't waiting for him anymore… and it doesn't matter what you do, if someone stops waiting for you to come back to how you were… you're pretty much doomed… He had broken her… so much… she'd waited for him to show up when she lost the baby and… he never did… how do you recover from something like that?

All of that stuff, as he watched the floor lost in his thoughts, were making him think that there probably wasn't much hope of them being together. Maybe all he could do was bring her closure… and help her move on…

It was then when he raised his head to look at her, and realized she was asleep.

He smiled vaguely at the sight of her slightly ragged breaths, similar to how he'd first found her that morning.

He wouldn't move on without her… he needed to tell her that.

He gently and softly stood up and walked towards the couch, placing one arm behind her knees and another careful arm under her neck. She began stirring softly but absently, her hand found a home in the front of his stomach, as he lifted her from the couch and carried her to her bed.

Her fever was back…

From all the possible ways this day could've played out, he would've never imagined this.

It felt like it was such a long time ago, and in ways it was, since he'd carried her to the bedroom and had watched her sleep. Even all those years ago after he'd told her he loved her and she'd told him about Berkeley, he'd still been able to watch her sleep for a few more minutes; and as he sat at the edge of the bed… he wanted nothing more to watch her for as long as he could…

"_I love you"_ he said softly, more to himself, and he really wasn't expecting her to reply something.

She fluttered her eyes open slowly and whispered, just like she'd done all day _"What are you doing here Ry?"_

"_Shh…"_ he pressed a finger on her lips, and she grabbed his wrist, the hotness of her skin cutting deep inside him. _"You should really try to get some sleep; you're fever's back so I'm gonna go get you some ice or something to cool you off"_

She kept a firm but weak grip on his wrist not letting him stand up. _"What are you doing here Ry? Summer doesn't know I'm sick… I haven't told her"_

Her eyes were insistent, and so was her grip on his wrist.

"_Okay…"_ he breathed out _"I came here to tell you…"_

"_You came here to ask me something"_

"_No… shhh"_ he put a finger again on her lips _"I came here…"_ Memories of the page of her diary, of all the realizations he'd come across during this day; memories of his rage, of his fears that she'd slipped away from him were all vivid in his mind now… and still… he could only mumble _"…to tell you I'm sorry…"_

In between the sleepiness and her fever she still managed to look at him confused.

"_I'm sorry you had to lie to me about the miscarriage."_

"_Ryan…"_ she closed her eyes tight for a second… the information that he knew the truth now sinking in.

"_It's okay… I understand. I'm sorry you had to wait so long for me to unders__tand it. I was horrible to you and I understand… that I hurt you too much to deserve the truth. I never meant to do it, and… there's not a day that goes by when I don't wonder how it would've been like if I had chosen you like I promised myself I would."_

"_It's not that you didn't deserve the truth… I just didn't want you to pick me__ over her because of the baby at first…"_ she stopped

"_And after that you didn't know if I'd stick with you because of us or because of…"_

"_Yeah…"_ she cut him off before he could finish that sentence.

"_I get it… I wish I hadn't pushed you to that decision"_

"_Why's that?"_ she mumbled closing her eyes and struggling with exhaustion.

"_Because you wouldn't be sick right now…"_ he forced a smile…

"_I'm failing to understand that reasoning…"_ she rubbed her eyes.

"_Well,"_ he tilted his head a little, sadness going through his voice _"You wouldn't have gone to a date with a guy who would let you out without a jacket…"_

"_You were always good in the jacket department"_ she forced a smile, the same sadness going through her.

"_Even that doesn't compensate for what I put you through"_

"_Ryan…"_

"_Shh… Taylor, all I know… is that I love you, and I won't ever lose you. I'm gonna make sure of that. I'll find a way back into your heart."_

"_Ryan…"_ she whispered once again, sleep over taking her.

"_Taylor… I love you"_ her eyes fluttered close and he felt a tear struggling a way out of his eye.

If only he could turn back time.

Thousands of thoughts just began struggling for his full attention and all he could do was stare at her; her whole body relaxed, even if she was still a little feverish, like the weight of a closure had been lifted from her very existence. As his blue eyes just roamed the anatomy of the woman he'd always be in love with, no matter the consequences or the costs to get her back, he found himself absently leaning into her… his lips ghosting over hers as the air she breathed was all he could feel.

He didn't know what the future would bring, if this was gonna start the healing of who they'd been or if this was the final chapter of what had become their tortured story. Perhaps it was because of that that he found himself unwillingly pressing softly his lips to hers… the warm sensation just breaking his heart more than it already was.

But what actually made him feel like he'd died just to be brought back to life, was the fact that she seemed to respond ever so lazily to his kiss… her lips capturing his lower lips ever so softly, making him wonder if she'd ever been so bewildering than right now.

Maybe it was a reflex, he wouldn't know, her hand came to rest on his cheek, and right then he knew he could live to be a hundred and travel around the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when he'd brokenly kissed the girl of his dreams and knew that his love would last forever. Their lips only met twice, and he found himself pulling back as she accommodated herself back down on the bed, her eyes still closed, still wrapped up in her sleep. It wasn't that rare for her… to respond to a kiss when she was half asleep. He remembered when he used to kiss her in the mornings and it wasn't until he'd met her lips five times in all when she would completely wake up, but still, something in the back of his head knew that she was aware of what had just happened, and that she was aware that she mumbled vaguely _"I love you too…"_ before he lifted himself from the bed to go get something to get her fever down and had stopped dead in his tracks at what she'd said.

He was able to just smile… wondering if she'd meant it, wondering if she knew what she'd said and knowing all the same that perhaps it'd been a reflex… a by product of how weird this day had been. Going from anger to all the other possible emotions that had taken him aback, to confirming once and for all that he couldn't lose her… that he wouldn't lose her.

Hours later, when nightfall began to settle in, he made sure she was really asleep and provided of everything she needed before even considering going out the door. He took in one last glimpse of her sleeping form, making sure her fever was going down… feeling like he was scared and still broken all the same, but hoping he could heal with her…

But all of that went out the door… once he literally opened it and a blast from the past stood in front of him.

"_Luke…"_ he said furrowing his brow, a little in shocked and confused… the information not sinking in…

"_Chino… hi"_ he seemed to be confused too. _"What are you… doing here?"_

It was that question that triggered his reasoning ability and connected the dots once and for all… he quick glanced over his shoulder to the bedroom at the end of the hall and his heart came to a stop…

"_You're…? No way…"_ Luke's voice said trailing off, trying to look inside the apartment and looking at him in disbelief. Yep, his brain had begun to reason more quickly than it had done in high school apparently.

"_You're the other guy…"_ Ryan's tone was filled with firmness, the confusion wearing off and leaving space for anger and blood boiling up to take its place.

From all the scenarios he could've pictured inside his head… this day had turned out _completely and absolutely_ different.

* * *

**It's 37 C degrees in here... I'm sweating horribly. Be kind and give me a review, that'll cool me off lol. **


	21. Two Roads

**Author's Note: **_Well, it took me long enough! lol. I've been writing this chapter for well over a month... and if I'm being totally honest with you, I'm not sure I like this. I had planned to do this chapter a lot differently and to include a lot more in it, but since I was suffering from a bit of a writer's block, I thought it was best to get this going rather than to make this too overwhelming with details. There are only a few things you need to know here, so hopefully you like it. And the facts I included where tough as hell to write... I think I've never had so much trouble with a chapter in my life!  
_

_I know I can't ask much, since I went completely MIA with this story, but... I have exactly 37 people on the alert list for this story... it would really mean a lot to me if all of you can read this and tell me what you thought about it. I really need to feel I'm getting the groove back of this story, and if you've been reading SMWTLI, you know I'm very very very insecure. I'm not pushing it, I just hope you can tell me what you thought._

_Oh also, Don't hate me! Try at least lol. _

_Going Unbeta'd once more. I'm sure there are A LOT of mistakes lol. _

* * *

**Chapter 21**

"**Two Roads****"**

"_When heartache came over my life, a lot of the romantic poems I use to read and translate began making sense. Most of the best love poems are about tragedy… about this beautiful pain that goes away once everything clicks into place. But there was always one… a single Spanish poem I loved because of its perfection… and even when it applied to me, to him and me and the anguish was consuming me, it still occupied a special place in my heart… it probably always will. It went something like this. _

'…_Sometimes I wish I could say goodbye for good, erase you from my memory and drown you in my pain, but... if everything's in vain and my soul won't let you go, what do you want me to do, piece of my life? What do you want me to do with this excuse of a heart?'"_

XOXOX

Twinkles of stars reflected in her eyes as she kept looking straight ahead, mesmerized by the mansion just a few feet away from her. A big breath escaped her body as if her lungs were checking how well they functioned, seeing if they could manage big quantities of air. Turns out they did… but with a little bit of effort.

It'd been so… long, for the lack of a better term even though sometimes it still felt fresh, since she'd felt this… nostalgia; this sense of wrongness or non-fulfillment that crept from within her and threatened her fleeting sanity. But most of all, it'd been so long since she'd been… here, in Newport.

In between the sentiment that still overwhelmed her, that "lack" of something she didn't dare to name, a strangled smile marked her face and for a minute or so the nostalgia was gone. Standing outside of what was now Kaitlin's house, she was taken to a time when she'd been standing in front of a mansion that looked a lot like this one. After all, all Newport houses were the same, weren't they? But standing there, looking… the past played up and for once, she didn't stop it.

* * *

_Instead of being under the nighttime sky, a dull heated sun forced her to furrow her brow because of the glow that reflected on the mansion's windowpane. Her heart raced, fast and steady and adrenaline rushed through her as her stomach rose and dropped inside of her. This wasn't the end of the world, not at all. She'd done more outrageous things in the past, like thinking she'd found love on top of the Eiffel tower and getting married to a French-smelly guy about twice her age, just to run away from him the second the hangover faded; all of it done in a space of two weeks while she should've been studying in college. This, in comparison, wasn't that bad. _

_Sure, so she'd divorced the guy and she'd gone back to France for six months, and now she was dropping out… again, because she thought she'd found love… again, in the arms of a guy known as "the kid from Chino" for the Newpsies. Breaking the news to her mother, a well-known she-wolf of a Newpsie, that she was staying and leaving college… again, because she was in love… again, with a "thief"… no that was a first… should go well… _

_She swallowed hard and felt her palms sweating. This was not the end of the world. _

_The end of her? Most likely… the end of the world? Definitely not. _

_She looked at her right side and that's when the smile broke from the corner of her lips. Ryan was standing right beside her, looking as terrified as she was, or at least she thought so because it seemed like he wasn't breathing much… _

"_Ryan?" she asked a little amused, a bubbling funny feeling taking over her stomach _

"_Yeah" it came out strangled __and the bubbling intensified. Oh, she recognized the bubbly feeling. It felt like… laughter. She was having a panic attack._

"_Breathe" she was full on giggling and he glared at her, quirking an eyebrow and he looked so damn hilarious. _

"_This is not funny" he tried to defend himself._

"_I know!" the giggles became stronger. She felt blood flooding her cheeks. She was having hysterics. _

"_Then what are you laughing about?" he almost screamed but he was smiling, amused and about to laugh himself. _

"_I don't know" it was barely understandable and it looked like she was about to drop to the floor and begin rolling in it. "Gosh, I'm so scared!" it looked like she was going to jump up and down in a minute._

_Her infectious and nervous laughter had reached him by now and he was laughing as well, even if he looked more composed. She was completely out of her mind. And it was not only because of the obvious reasons (laughing about her execution); it was because of her decision to be here in the first place! Did her mother care about her being in France? No… So if she didn't care… should she care about what Veronica had the say?_

_Her eyes landed on his, a brightness she'd rarely seen, glistening making his eyes seem like blue diamonds as a soft breeze blew strands of his hair and his pearly smile took her breath away. Sooner, sooner than she'd expected, without him needing to touch her or without even needing to say a word, her panic attack and nervous laughter began to settle as she remembered that this man, this wonderful, sexy, smart and hot guy standing next to her had asked her to stay by his side, to be with him… and she'd said yes. Did anything else matter? _

_When she gained her composure again he was just smiling and she drew out a heavy breath flashing him an equal smile. That smile was enough. _

_This was not the end of the world. _

"_I'm sorry" she mumbled covering her mouth; her cheeks blushed from laughing so hard but still smiling at him. _

_Without tearing his eyes away from her or without stopping his smile, he took a step closer and draped his arm around her shoulders and planted a soft kiss on top of her head. She knew she could read him, but sometimes, it seemed like he was better at it than she could ever be. _

"_Ready to do this?" he asked, sounding like he was trying to convince himself of going in there. It made her heart wrench in joy because even if he didn't want to be here, he wanted to be with her. _

_She sighed and golden met blue. "As ready as I'll ever be". _

_And simply, his fingers intertwined with hers and they began walking to the door of that big Newport Mansion._

* * *

She stared at the floor and a few chunks of hair fell from her ear. The smile faded away as she watched that past move from her grasp. It felt like a completely different lifetime ago. It felt like their lives had taken different paths and had no other way of merging together once more. How could they when there was so much on that trunk? The nostalgia translated into a heartache she'd known a little too well six months before… heartache that she had over six months of not dwelling into thought. She was trying to move on, she was trying to live her life, and she was trying to be okay.

So she shook the feeling away and looked straight ahead, a few cars parked and the sound of music blaring from the house, as it was Kaitlin's Birthday.

"_Ready to do this?"_ she glanced to her right side and it felt too déjà vu-ish. Sandy blonde hair, deep colorful voice, muscle toned body, and a pearly white smile on his lips.

Luke was the reason why she was okay. She had six months of not dwelling into heartache and being happy because Luke was in her life. But tonight, there was a sense of nostalgia, of non-fulfillment and breakability that made her heart race way more than it had over half of a year. She knew Ryan was most likely going to be there. She knew she would see him after six months of no contact because he and Kaitlin shared a brother and it was her birthday. But just like that didn't matter, did it? This wasn't the end of the world.

She glanced to her right and Luke couldn't have looked more gorgeous. His stare gave away understanding and innocence and the same kind of love she felt towards him. She was okay because of him and tonight _wouldn't_ be the end of the world. She wouldn't allow it. She'd gone through worse nights and she'd done it alone.

She quirked her head to the side and smiled, the same strangled smile filled with conflicting emotions she'd had two minutes ago, her eyes locked on his lips…

"_As ready as I'll ever be"_ the smile was still on his face and even if she couldn't admit it, there was a part of her that was waiting for his smile to wash everything away. But, strangely, it didn't work like that.

The fear and nostalgia were still there in her, because the smile wasn't the same.

* * *

Ryan was hiding in the kitchen. He hadn't done that since… when was the last time he'd attended to a party in Newport? That long. He sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at the white marble of the kitchen counter.

To be honest, it wasn't like he was all thrilled to be here. He knew she would be there and he knew she would be there with _him_. As sad as it sounded, the only reason he was here was because of his little brother… he was here so Nathan could be with Kaitlin on her birthday because Julie and Frank weren't coming. Why weren't they coming? Because –he mentally gritted out his name – _Luke_ was coming, and of course, being Newport, the land of cursed parties, Julie Cooper and Luke Ward in the same place at the same time was the recipe for disaster.

At least, in that sense, he felt that someone (he never thought it would be Julie Cooper though) had sided with him in all this mess, remembering what _Luke_ had been in the past and how he'd fucked things up before. Everyone else who knew about Luke dating Taylor had pleaded the fifth and had decided to make no comments… probably to give him space and not make things worse than they were for him. But really, they'd picked the wrong time to learn how to _not_ meddle.

It was _Luke_, for God's sake. How could they have _nothing_ to say if, Taylor, someone they'd consider family, was dating someone who could play with her at any moment?

He wasn't too thrilled to be here.

"_Having__ a sullen party of one there?"_ Kaitlin got in and opened the fridge next to him to retrieve a bottle of water.

"_Hey"_ he tried to force a smile. It wasn't fair to be here on Kaitlin's birthday just moping around, but it wasn't like he could help it.

"_God, you're so depressing"_ her shoulders fell in mock drama. _"What are you doing here?"_

"_Having a sullen party of one?"_ he colored his voice with sarcasm as he tilted his head towards her.

She rolled his eyes and for a fleeting instant, he was reminded of Marissa. It was freakishly weird how alike they were at times.

"_I mean, why are you being the only person who's not having fun on a party in honor to _me_? I'm awesome!"_ Now he was the one rolling his eyes. _"You're being extra-broody Chino, and I wanna know why"_

Endless possibilities played in front of him. He knew he could talk to Kaitlin, she was mature enough to understand him and she wasn't going to judge him wrongly. But then again, it was Luke… having studied a little of statistics in college, he mentally calculated all the ways opening up to her could go wrong… especially if the guy was most likely coming. But wait, if he was coming… she was going to find out eventually wasn't she?

Oh what the hell? Let's make hell break lose, he thought.

"_Okay, but you asked"_ he aligned his position in her direction and she definitely moved her head forward expecting the information.

"_Consider it my birthday present. Good gossip does it better than the tank top you bought me"_

"_Well… how much do you know about the Taylor situation?"_ he was probing the territory first. He figured he wanted another ally in this mess, so if she didn't know much, she might be on his side and not think he was a jackass.

"_Enough to know you're an ass"_ well, that ruined that possibility.

"_Crap. Okay. Brad and Eric have told you Luke lives in Berkeley right?"_ he really didn't want to say, actual words, that Taylor was in a –he cursed mentally – relationship with _Luke_. He was going to try and map it out for her.

"_Yeah, what about it?"_ Kaitlin, moving her head quickly and shrugging a little.

"_Well, he met Taylor…"_ he trailed off, waiting for the loud click of her neurons once thing fell into place.

"_Oh…"_ she made it sound like two syllables. _"Yeah, you're a total ass"_. Okay, how did Taylor being with Luke translated into him being an ass? Well, he actually knew that answer.

"_How long have they been together?"_ he was actually surprised with how "okay" with it her tone sounded. _"Oh, don't give me that look. She's a freak-show, but she's hot… and Luke's well… Luke, that's not a surprise"_

"_What's that supposed to mean? Luke's… Luke?"_ he hated saying his name. It made him wanna throw punches. And he was talking to a guy that was once a friend… once a very long time ago, his mind reminded.

"_I mean, I've lived a great deal of my life with the twins and they have sort of a Luke altar__ and a ritual where they both shave their chests in front of his picture or something. Totally freaky, but point is I've known about his life here and there…"_ she said nonchalantly.

"_And what exactly do you know about his life?"_

"_Well, you're not the same person you were at sixteen. Neither am I… so don't expect him to be the same kid who's going to screw up and cheat on Taylor with my mom… gross by the way"_

"_Great"_ he pursed his lips and cursed the fact that his one "hope" was out the window. He was hoping she would "side" with him and have something good to say.

"_I can hate him if you want to. But I still think you're an ass un__less you step up your game. And please, think of something better than a quickie mart bear. This isn't some frenchie… it's a water polo player"_ she whispered the last words as if it was a secret and even though it was classical Kaitlin sarcasm, it still made him want to throw punches.

"_Now stop whining! Come outside"_ she grabbed his body and pushed him out of the kitchen, but the second she did, his whole body stiffened.

"_What are you doing? Move your ass out there Ryan!"_ Kaitlin's voice was a scream and she moved slowly to the side and finally, her eyes landed where his had.

"_Oops… speak of the devil…"_ she locked eyes with him for a second and again, his eyes wandered back to where Luke's arm was gripping firmly Taylor's arm. He couldn't remember a time where someone else had linked arms with _his_ Taylor… not even back to the Henri Michel days… But it had to be Luke huh? The guy who he'd opened up the door to (he knew that phrase had a much deeper meaning than he'd intended) and hadn't gone away since.

* * *

_It hadn't taken long for him to figure out that Luke was the __other guy that could give him a run for his money once he opened the door of Taylor's apartment that day. It did, however, take every ounce of self control to make himself say "You're the other guy" without punching Luke's water polo face._

_He'd lost too much already, but he never thought it would be to Luke. _

_Silence ringed in the doorway for the next brief instants until Luke's low chuckle reached Ryan's ears and it made his stomach twitch in anger. _

"_I can't help but feel the déjà vu here"_ _he mumbled as he gestured in the –very scarce – space that separated Ryan's arm from his stomach, still smiling and laughing sarcastically._

_He knew what Luke meant. The déjà vu feeling. __It felt oddly familiar to be here, standing in the gray areas for the sake of one girl. It was like instinct when he felt the cartilage of Luke's nose crunching around his knuckles, the adrenaline pulsing through his fists and stomach, punch after punch…_

_It took him a minute to realize he'd imagined it. _

_It wasn't the lack of desire to make that one epiphany come true what held him back, it was the fact that he remembered he wasn't the same kid that had 'lived' this same experience before on a beach party. He wasn't the same boy of back then even if, from what he could judge, Luke was still the same plastic jock. But most importantly, the girl sleeping in the room down the hall was not the same girl of old. She was better… and after all he'd put her through, she deserved for him to take the high road. _

_The high road, he hadn't taken that route in all these months when the situation required it, and now he was taking it when it felt like he should fight._

"_It's not the same situation" it was a lame comeback and he knew it. But it was the only thing he could think of that wouldn't trigger a fight with Taylor sleeping in the next room. _

"_Says you" Luke put in casually, and the anger became bigger, and all of a sudden it kind of blew over. _

"_Ryan…?" a soft voice called _his_ name – and a part of him wanted to throw that on Luke's face – and he was forced to turn around to find a groggy Taylor standing against the doorframe of her bedroom, down the hall… _

_He saw her eyes glisten__ softly and the vague twitch on her lower lip that always threatened to make a smile… his smile. But he also saw how she became more alert in the blink of an eye as she took in the sight of what was happening, Luke standing behind him smiling back at her. _

"_What are you doing here?" her tone was ragged and surprised but not annoyed. _

"_I… just decided to swing by to see how you were doing after our date" he was sure Luke used the word intentionally and he tightened his fist so much that his knuckles became white. _

"_Oh" she said waving a hand at him, the gesture more affected than necessary and it was only then when he noticed she was nervous. "I just have a sore throat and fever, no biggie. I don't need anyone taking care of me… A big girl can fend for herself."_

"_Sure?" Ryan gritted out, somehow hoping that she would ask him to stay, somehow hoping that she would r__emember that _he'd_ been taking care of her for the last hours… _

"_Yeah I'm okay"_

"_Okay" Luke said, not a trace of awkwardness in his voice. "Call me when you're ready…"_

_It was then when he realized that the conversation had some other meanings beneath it. _

"_I'll let you know" she eyed both of them, half pleading, half determined… to someone else it would've seemed like she was talking about business, not about two roads, two paths… _

_Two hearts. _

_Because he could see it. He saw it the second he opened the door, and the second they both walked out of the apartment. The way Taylor and Luke talked to each other with him standing in the middle, making him feel like he was looking from outside the fence, made him notice… _

_Luke was falling for her, if he hadn't already._

* * *

She wasn't sure of what was she expecting really. Did she honestly think that by coming into the party, her arm linked with Luke's, it wouldn't make a statement? A pretty clear "she's with me" kind of statement?

Because she was with Luke. Luke was her boyfriend and she loved him.

She wasn't a teenager. She knew better than to toy around with hearts and make indefinite love triangles that only tore lives away. She knew a thing or two about being in that position so she knew better than to get herself involved in a relationship where someone could get hurt as bad as she'd been hurt before.

Love could break you. It could turn you into a different person; one you'd never thought you'd be simply because it gave someone else the power to overrule your judgment. Love could make you vulnerable… it could make you sacrifice everything you owned, and it could carry with it the biggest of losses… the hardest of roads.

And that's what she and Ryan had become. After that day when she'd been sick six months ago, when reality had hit her and she'd seen with perfect clarity the kind of path she was leading… the kind of crusade she was going to have… she'd taken at least a month for herself to think things over. And after thorough list processes, after dealing with Summer's anger once Seth told her about Luke, after weighing her options and picking up the pieces… She'd come to the conclusion that she needed a fresh start… that life wasn't supposed to be this miserable.

* * *

_She didn't dare to do it in person. Some coward she turned out to be. _

_As she held on tightly to the phone in her ear, there was a part of her that asked frantically if this was what she wanted… the part of her that would always be his and the part that would always remember she'd lost a little bit of both their lives… not just hers. That small part that kept begging her to stop writing the death sentence of their relationship, that now that he knew about the baby they could maybe have a fresh start, kept growling inside her chest in protest… but for once, she didn't listen to her heart. _

_This was best. Ryan and her were not meant to be together, there was too much pain there, too much history… too much loss and vulnerability. And the fact that he'd finally figured out that she wasn't a monster that would have an abortion without consulting with him first, didn't change the pain she'd gone through. Nothing changed that. _

"_Hello?" his voice answered the phone._

_A__ month after seeing him for the last time, she mumbled in the receiver: "I'm so sorry"…sealing their fate, sealing a future she'd dreamed of and could be no more._

* * *

She didn't remember exactly what she'd told him, her memory couldn't stand another pang of bittersweetness just for the sake of memorizing how she'd told him she 'needed to be away from him' or how she managed to choke out 'I'm dating Luke'; all she knew for sure was that he hadn't fought back, and there was a part of her that was thankful for that. She didn't want to fight this war anymore… this heartache…

With time, it worked. She gave herself a chance with Luke and the heartache began dulling its intensity and the memories of Ryan were farther and farther in between. She stopped seeing Ryan's eyes in Luke's and began realizing that he was the kind of guy that could save her, without comparing him to a ghost from her past.

But the second she'd entered the house, his face had been the first one she'd spotted in the crowd and an impulse within her told her to retreat her arm from Luke's reach.

Hadn't she made a choice six months before? Hadn't she decided that Ryan was not her perfect match anymore? That he couldn't be…? That he'd once been but now too much had happened?

Then, why did it feel while she stood there, Luke beside her and Ryan across the room, like she was still in the same crossroad? Why was her heart beating like this when she'd experienced six months of… happiness?

"_Oh Taylor!"_ Kaitlin's voice caught her off guard, and she spotted her moving through the people, followed by Ryan behind.

"_Kaitlin!"_ she tried to make her voice sound chipper. _"Haven't seen you in a while"_ she wasn't sure why her eyes drifted to Ryan's when she said that.

"_Tell me about it"_ she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear _"I see you've found yourself a_ _new boy toy"_

She felt her blood turn cold. Ryan's eyes went to hers, and hers went to Luke's, searching for some good way to handle this very uncomfortable situation.

"_Um…"_ she attempted, but Luke stopped her.

"_Good to see you too, Mini Coop"_ Luke said to her and gave her a brief hug.

"_No one calls me that anymore"_ Kaitlin's frown creased a bit.

"_Sorry, I guess. I still see the small kid who was obsessed with horses__ when I see you"_ he amended with a smile.

"_Yeah, Kaitlin. Sometimes our views of people don't change__… at all"_

It felt like silence had taken over the house when Ryan spoke those words. She was the only one who noticed the pain behind the anger of his voice.

"_Ookay…"_ Kaitlin said as she looked to both boys who were having a glare contest. _"I'll leave you two with that…"_

"_Kaitl-_ Taylor's voice was weary and scared.

"…_while I take Taylor away"_

"_Kaitlin…"_ this time it was Ryan.

"_Have fun!"_ and without letting her protest, Kaitlin dragged Taylor away and both boys were left alone.

He could've bolted. He could've just lost himself in between the crowd and never face either him, or her during the rest of the night. He could've decided to take "the high road" once more, but instead, he kept standing there, in front of him… both of them having an icy blue fight through their eyes… frustration flaring more intently from his side.

It angered him even more how cool Luke seemed to be about all of this. He couldn't possibly be the only one worked up about this whole situation. During these six months, Luke must've noticed that Taylor was distant, that there she'd been broken and that there was a part of her that he would never have. Luke _must've_ noticed that… then why was he so calmed… so different from the old 'friend' he'd once known?

A lot of the possibilities that rumbled through his mind were unreasonable, but the only one that made sense, was the one that hurt the most.

Luke was calmed because she was happy. Because all he'd seen was a reasonably happy Taylor during these past six months. She was reasonably happy.

"_It does get to you, doesn't it?"_ Luke said with a settled expression on his face, not mad… not frustrated.

"_What?"_ Ryan was sucking at hiding his annoyance.

"_Knowing that a girl might actually _be_ okay with someone else"_

"_You don't know anything about the situation…"_ Six months later and it still was a lame comeback.

"_Um…__ you basically traded her for someone else, while she had a miscarriage?"_

He wasn't expecting Luke to know _the whole deal_. She'd spent _months_ without disclosing that secret to _anyone_… and just after six months she'd told him what must've been the most horrible experience in her life? He knew her, or so he liked to think, and he knew she avoided topics that could open old wounds. And still… she'd told him…

"_So tell me, what is it about the situation that I don't know?"_ Luke tilted his head sideways and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"_You son of a-_ It took him everything he had in him to not connect his fist with Luke's jaw.

"_Look I told you this was pretty déjà vu back then. It still is… only, this time it's reversed. You're the one who doesn't deserve the girl."_

And with that, he was gone… leaving him standing there, a deep sinking feeling in his gut that told him it was true. It was… true.

* * *

She'd been standing on her own against a wall in a secluded room for a while now. It had taken her a little bit of effort to get away from Kaitlin and her constant interrogation about how she'd managed to bag both 'Newport Rivals' and turn them against each other like _someone _else had done in the past.

Marissa was Kaitlin's sister, but it appeared like that comparison, the mention of the sister that had died, didn't affect her as much as it affected Taylor when the comment left Kaitlin's lips.

She wasn't Marissa. She never would be. She wasn't as popular or as beautiful… but there, resting her back against the wall of the den, standing in the shadows looking for some clarity, she wasn't comparing herself to Marissa in those terms. She was comparing herself in the way that she was in the middle of the same two boys…

_The same two boys._

She tried to settle her breathing as she straightened her weight on both feet, trying to prevent herself from hyperventilating. How had she gotten here? How… how had things turned out to be so… different than how she'd pictured them?

She loved Luke. She'd been telling herself that the whole hour she'd been here in this party. She knew she loved him because he was sweet, and hot, and smart… and best of all, he didn't want something she couldn't give him. She'd been honest with him from the start, and he still opened up his heart for her. _No one_ in the world had done that, not even Ryan… partly because she'd never been honest with Ryan from the start, but partly because she knew she couldn't have been honest _with_ this particular subject. She'd never wanted to give him an ultimatum… to make Ryan be with her just _because_ she'd lost their baby, so she'd lied. And yes, maybe it had been wrong… maybe that single lie had caused more damage than the miscarriage itself… but it had been what she'd thought was right…

Just like right now she felt that loving Luke was the proper thing to do.

Then, if she'd chosen Luke… then how come her heart kept going someplace else?

Ryan was not for her anymore… it didn't matter the nervousness and anxiousness she'd felt once she'd gotten inside the house and had seen him after six months… after he'd taken care of her and had made her feel like the last year hadn't happened… That simply didn't matter… Ryan was _not for her anymore. _

She had to choose… she couldn't be playing with _the same two boys._ She couldn't do to one of them what _Ryan_ had to done to her.

She took in another big breath and settled for knowing what was right and what was wrong. She had to be cold on this one. She had to use her judgment and _not_ her heart. Her heart was tricky and flawed, and pained and broken… she had to use her judgment.

But would it really matter? Would it matter what her judgment could say, when, one of those two boys… those two roads, two hearts, was fidgeting right now with a black velvet box in the pocket of his jacket?

Would it matter?

* * *

_Oh... the cliffhanger! lol. Review please...!  
_


	22. Nobody Wins

**Author's Note: **_So, here's the next chapter of this story. I wrote it in the blink of an eye because I'm going through a few emotions I had to deal with. I'm sure it has tons of mistakes, but I'm posting this unbeta'd. I'm guessing you're wondering why I've been dissapearing from FF lately. Well, here's my explanation. As much as I love writing Fanfics, I realized because of something in my life, that I don't own The OC! lol. Believe me, it came with a shocker... lol, but my point is, that I don't own this characters, I love them, yes, but I think I owe it to the writer in me, to create my own love stories, my own characters, their own personalities, their own surroundings, their own quirks... I owe that to the writer in me. I've been working on writing two of my first original stories, and that's one of the main reasons why I've detached myself from FF a little. However, I do plan to finish this story, especially since it has like two or three chapters left. _

_Also, I'd never written something purposely making it heartbreaking. This chapter, I did write it wanting to make it as heartwrenching as possible. lol. So, it's angst. If you wanna feel the groove of this chapter, I suggest you download the song "Nobody Wins" by The Veronicas and have it on repeat as you read. The first line of the chapter and the last one are taken from that song and it just reflects the mood of the story so well. _

_On another note, My Birthday's today! Sept 9! So review me!. _

_Shar_

_PS, OH! I hope you understand who is who... 'cause I didn't use names with the boys on purpose also. Hopefully you know by the end, who's who. _

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**Nobody Wins.**

"_Maybe there's beauty in goodbye…"_

She rested her elbows on the edge of the bridge, letting another pebble sink in the water with an audible plop. Her eyes began searching for the easily formed circles, first small waves that got bigger and bigger until they finally disappeared in the clean surface.

The sun was low in the sky, tainting everything with an orange glow while the air moved the stray fallen leaves here in the park, her favorite place in all of Berkeley.

For once she picked up a place that wasn't her usual spot. Maybe because she knew that using "her" spot would make it impossible to go back there in the future seeking solace and peace. A part of her missed the shadow of her favorite tree, the place where she usually sat down to write… the place where _someone_ always would know how to find her.

Maybe that was why she didn't want to use that sacred spot for this. It wasn't fair.

She turned her eyes down to the water once more, just in time to watch the little pebble find a place in the bottom of the river, stopping all the waves it had created and settling the river back into the pristine mirror it had been before. She could see her face in the reflection, her clear hazel eyes and her bronze colored hair as it moved with the wind.

At least she thought it was her reflection, everything was so blurry and shaky.

She inhaled a fresh batch of air, her lungs clinging to it like they never had before. It was then when she realized she had stopped breathing, and before she could find the reason, she heard the steps.

He was coming.

* * *

_She'd decided she would use her reason. Her reason was the one thing that had never failed her. Every trouble that she'd gone through had been because her heart had made her vulnerable. Well, that was going to stop. __He was not going to make her vulnerable. _

_And as her way to prove it, she got out of the den and began to mingle._

_Her plan backfired. _

_Faces got mixed up in the waves of "hi", and soon, pretty soon, the voices and the conversations began to clash into one another, making it hard for her to distinguish who said what. Her eyes and her concentration where elsewhere, busy even, searching for _his eyes_ during the whole night. _

_Soon, pretty soon, hazel stared to blue as it came into proximity one step at a time, a little too close for comfort. _

"_What are you doing?" she said as she felt the strong set of arms dragging her by the elbow to a secluded place, far from the crowd. _

_It was dark, the lights of the party were dim and the bass of the music barely thumbed through the walls. They were as alone as they could be… and for some reason, her heart began thrumming in the inside of her ribcage. It was a hammer, breaking every bone inside of her, piece by piece… _

_When he turned to face her, his expression set, she waited for the onslaught of blue to begin running cold through her veins. _

_It never did. _

"_I need to talk to you" the voice all but hissed. _

_Blue kept staring and a pang of disappointment crept from within her._

* * *

The steps were slow, steady. She forced her body to exhale as she turned her face to the right, shifting her body to meet the person that was coming at the end of the bridge.

Her stomach throbbed as she smiled, her eyes landing on his sandy colored hair and breathtaking presence. She could tell by the way his hands were in the inside of his pockets that he was wary, scared even. She searched for a trace of insecurity but couldn't find it.

Maybe she was too dazzled by the warm feeling that struggled with her resolve to gain her attention. She didn't know.

"_Hey"_ the rough voice whispered. She understood the reason for the cautiousness. The scenery was so beautiful, the wind blew in complete synchrony with the rays of sun… it seemed so dreamlike that maybe a louder voice would make it all fade away.

She hoped to God it would never fade away, knowing all the time it would.

"_Hi"_ she replied, her voice small.

"_Should we walk?"_ the wariness was there but there was a smile on his face; a smile that didn't belong to the features… to this "game of love" they were all part of.

"_Of course"_ her voice was still small but there wasn't any doubt in her words. He extended his arm and she looked at it warily. Was it wise to make a connection? Was _this_ wise?

Her hand fell into his without her brain registering the movement, her heart screaming that there was no reason for her to deny this… this one last walk.

* * *

_She kept staring at blue and the same disappointment kept roaming her insides no matter how much she tried to control it. __This was right, and it felt so wrong… But it was right. It had to be. _

"_Okay" she frowned a little, the disappointment making it hard to breathe, clutching her diaphragm while making the word smaller than it should be._

"_I can fight for this but you have to fight with me" the expression was still set, jaw clenched fists tight. Something she'd seen one too many times and never quite got used to. _

_The disappointment was even bigger, but confusion won over the battle. _

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

"_Are you happy?" her soul felt as if a train had tackled it and had smashed it against the rails. This attack was direct, with no preamble, no excuses._

_For once she thanked her lucky star that this place was dark so maybe he couldn't see the way her mouth opened and closed, showing signs of a vulnerability she was trying her best to escape. _

_She should not be vulnerable. She should think coldly. _

"_As happy as I've ever been in a long time" it was true, but it ringed in her ears as the darkest kind of blasphemy known to men. _

* * *

She stared at the floor, her feet falling into a pattern with his. His steps were slightly longer, maybe due to the difference in height, but still, he kept a firm hold of her that got them walking side by side.

The rays of sun were lower. The orange tone in the atmosphere intensified and so did the familiar thrill in the flow of her veins. Silence zapped between them, every nerve ending touching his skin becoming a livewire that was meeting water.

Chemistry and physics doing their job.

Disaster.

It was all there was to this. A peaceful, beautiful disaster.

"_I take it you like this whole place"_ she smiled. The question already had an answer and was unnecessary, but he was making an effort here. She just… smiled.

"_It's… peaceful"_ she replied. _"Especially this time of year"_

"_Yeah, especially this time of year"_ he echoed her sentiment. It was over a year since she stepped foot on this place, and she came to the realization that it was over a year too.

A twisted anniversary. Her heart skipped another beat… and pain like no other shot like a comet in front of her eyes. As perfect as this was, no one could save her from that shooting pain. It would _always _be there.

She sighed.

She guessed that he felt her body stiffened under his arm because so did his.

"_Are you okay?"_ his voice was choked, as if the comet had also passed in front of his eyes. She'd screwed everything up.

"_Yeah"_ she forced her eyes to search for his as she stared at her right side, gripping him tighter in reassurance. _"Just… water under the bridge"_ she said, remembering the pebble she'd stared at before.

"_You sure about that?"_ he voice was rough, a combination of guilt, anger and embarrassment.

Her stomach dropped. She remembered how the pebble settled on the bottom of the river once it had stopped making waves.

Maybe their pebble was still making waves. Maybe it would _always_ create waves in the form of shooting pain.

* * *

_He took a step closer to her; her body took a step back. She wasn't quite sure why__ but her brain was reminded of magnets with the same polar sign. One repelled the other… _

_Chemistry and physics. _

_She shook the thought and anchored her feet to the ground so she wouldn't move. Physics wouldn't create a disaster on her life again. _

"_Good" his voice was undecipherable. She couldn't read his features, so she wasn't sure if he'd bought it or if this was just part of his wrong-used sarcasm. She found herself smiling at either outcome. _

"_It is" her tone was firm. If her stomach hadn't been punched towards her spine she would've bought it herself. _

_She felt a strong but soft pull towards a very dim trace of light that drowned the space where they were. The music was still blaring somewhere in the distance. Her hand began to shake where he drag her to the light. _

_It was as if her hand had been one step ahead of her body with the shaking, because when her eyes landed on the black small box that he pulled out of his pocket and placed in front of her on a table, the velvet shining a little in the scarce light, she felt her knees shaking uncontrollably, and instinctively, hazel chased coldness once more. _

_She would've taken the crushing disappointment she'd felt earlier when she'd stared into the blue now, just to avoid the unadulterated and pure fear that took its place when her eyes met his again._

* * *

"_How's your writing coming along?"_ she should've known that would be one of his first questions. This was her _writing_ park. It seemed oddly obvious.

"_Of all the questions you could ask, that's the first thing you wanna say?"_ her tone was playful, and he beamed a smile.

Her mind went blank for a moment and then she saw it. A park like this, her sitting in her favorite tree, savoring the shade it provided while her pen wrote away with the light that ran through the branches. In the vision, she stared ahead… and there was not only one sandy hair-colored boy at the distance, beaming the same smile she'd just seen… there were other two. Two Smaller, defenseless blonde boys that _he_ played soccer with. Before the vision dissipated, she could've sworn she heard someone call out "mom".

She shook her head and inhaled so sharply, that her throat almost burned.

His hold stiffened once more, and before he could speak, she said _"I'm okay"_

She exhaled once more and took solace on his arm. Chemistry and physics: disaster.

"_Writing's coming along fine" _she answered simply.

"_That's good"_ he answered back.

"_Anything else you wanna ask?"_ she prompted, not sure if she wanted him to follow suit.

"_Why we're here?"_ yeah, she regretted prompting it instantly.

* * *

"_What is this?"__ she was convinced her voice hadn't sound so panicky in her whole life. _

_She kept staring, waiting for an answer in the endless pool of blue, and instead she had none. She just watched him fumble with the box, and even when her heart kept screaming "NO!" in the highest pitch ever, her brain kept restraining her, making her stand there. _

_This was right, and it felt so wrong. _

"_Taylor, will you marry me?"_

_Her whole life flashed in front of her eyes, trying to find a way to go out of this one unscathed. Did she want to marry him? The part of her that was governed by her reason said that it was the__ thing that made most sense. Did she love him? Yes. Did she see a future with him? Yes…_

_Was that enough? Her heart threw right in her face. _

_She'd dreamed of this day, she'd dreamed of the day when she'd stared at blue and the very same question she'd heard would be like a symphony in her ears. She'd dreamed of a thousand tomorrows, or a thousand futures and possibilities, of an endless love… _

_A love that had ended. _

_Because it had. She reminded herself of that pain, and even though she knew that it was her fault as well… that she'd been the one to screw this up, a comet with its blistering fire burned from within her and destroyed her from inside out from the millionth time. _

_It was hard to move past that pain. _

_She never answered. She never did. But maybe it was the lack of response in her lips and the way her left hand just seemed to reach for that soft palm of his, wordlessly, what he took for a "yes" when her brain couldn't think of it. _

_She stared at blue the whole time after that, every inch of her existence screaming that this blue was wrong… it was the wrong shade, the wrong brightness, the wrong feeling. _

_For once, her heart and her reason begged for another shade of blue. _

* * *

Tears ran swiftly across her face, and she didn't stop them. He detached his arm from hers and the second he did, she felt a void even bigger than she'd ever had. She was losing a future she'd always dreamed of, always craved for…

She tried to reconcile her heart with her brain but her heart was too bruised. If she did as her heart begged, she would always be tied to a pain that would probably never fade, but if she did as her brain wanted, just like she was about to do now, her heart would always be scattered into small pieces.

If she did as her brain wanted she could have it all but it would never be enough; if she did as her heart wanted, the pain would never stop…

She concentrated on his eyes, that immense pool of blue, the right shade of blue as she cleaned a few tears with the back of her left hand.

She'd experienced pain, the worst kind. The kind that makes you wanna be dead and buried. The kind that makes you wanna run away as far as you can… but still, that word took a whole new meaning as she saw realization dawn on his features… his gaze following the diamond ring in her left hand, his heart breaking evenly for her to see.

If only he knew her heart was breaking too.

"_I guess I know why we're here now"_ his voice was set, angry…

The perfection of the scenery broke as he turned away, leaving her standing there, watching the beauty of the void he'd left.

No one was winning in this game of love.

_"Living like this... Nobody Wins"_


End file.
